


Strong at the Broken Places

by Dillian



Series: Whittier Hospital [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: 1930's, AU, But you might not agree, Happy Endings Found in Strange Places, I Am Not Good at Happy Endings, I still say the ending on this one is happy, M/M, Mental Hospital, hopefully
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-09
Updated: 2014-06-30
Packaged: 2017-12-26 01:44:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 57
Words: 95,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/960118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dillian/pseuds/Dillian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU.  Tony is an ex-flyer, on-again/off-again mental patient, at an expensive private hospital in Massachusetts.  Loki is the new patient he befriends.  I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, I just wanted to give the control to the patients, and see what they did with it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. New Patient, Mr. Loki Odinson

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.”  
– Ernest Hemingway, _A Farewell to Arms_

**_The Avengers_ , _Iron Man_ , and _Thor_ , and all situations and characters thereof, belong strictly and solely to Marvel Comics. This is a fan-work, meant for enjoyment only, and not for any material profit.**

 

So this is his third time here, and usually he'd be out by now. He's behaving himself. It's been over a month since he's been on any ward lower than Three – It's been five weeks. He knows it's been five weeks. That ought to count for something. Normally they're pretty big on keeping track of time here. – This time around, they seem determined to keep him, though. It's like they're looking for reasons. Tony's keeping his nose clean. He's not saying anything about the War; he knows they don't like that. So they're on him about Jarvis instead. Every time he turns around, it's Jarvis this, Jarvis that, Jarvis-Jarvis-Jarvis (he hadn't even told them Jarvis was here). They're embarrassed, that's what it is. Because he wasn't cured the last time, or the time before that. Or the time before that.

The truth is, he's probably incurable. Crazy, they call it. – Maybe some people have to be crazy. There are messages, and someone has to hear them. Wilson... – It's still Wilson, right? Or Roosevelt. Last time he asked, they said it was Roosevelt ~~(But the voice sounds like Wilson's)~~. The President – President Somebody. – He spoke through him when it looked like another war was coming. There can't be another war. They're too damaging. People get hurt. Peoples' bodies ~~(minds)~~ get damaged and they never recover ~~(and they end up stuck in Whittier, and they won't let you out)~~. – ...Tony's incurable. He's going to be crazy here, or he's going to be crazy outside, whichever (he'd just really like it to be outside for a while; this place gets boring really, really fast).

It's not as bad on Three, though. ...And when you at least have grounds privileges. And Tony's past that, even. He can leave the hospital with a visitor (if anyone ever visited him), or in a group with just one orderly. – Clint's a good fellow to go with, or Bruce (when he isn't having an episode), and Steve. And it's usually Happy that takes them. – It's never going to substitute for a vacation in Havana, but it's bearable. A fellow at least has some dignity.

And then someone new shows up. Someone really new. Tony hasn't met him on any of the wards, not this time, nor any of the other times he's been here. And none of the other fellows on Three know him either. Loki. “Mr. Loki Odinson,” Rhodey says. “You fellows be nice to him.”

And Clint gives him one of his grins with too many teeth showing. “Welcome, Mr. Loki Odinson.” Clint's already thinking how many cigarettes he can fleece off him, playing Hearts.

And Steve pulls out a chair for him. “Sit down. We won't bite.” But New-Loki just ignores him, and goes over and sits on the floor and wraps his arms around his knees.

New-Loki is really sick. You can tell by how he just sits there and doesn't even smoke. How he doesn't look at anybody else.

Clint says, “He's too sick for Three.”

And Tony says, “I'm surprised they put him here.”

“They're trying him out,” Steve says.”Because he's new. They're finding out where he fits in best.”

“He doesn't fit in here,” Clint says. But Tony's not so sure. New-Loki's interesting. He's not like anybody else, anyway, and frankly, the others were starting to get boring.

New-Loki has dark hair. A little too long. He's a... A what do they call it? A hepcat? A jitterbugger? Used to be Joe College. Tony was a Joe College. ~~He was a fly-boy too, but that didn't work out. Because of Wilson. Because when you're up in the air, is when they give you the messages, and you have to pass them along. There's too much blood on your hands already.~~ All that was a long time ago though, and things like that change. They said “swell” in the '90's when Happy was young, that's what he says. As in, “That fellow sure is a swell. That fellow and his... Whatever they drove back in the '90's. Nowadays it's hepcat, or maybe it's something else by now. He'll have to ask Rhodey sometime. Rhodey knows these things.

...New-Loki is also really thin. Really, really thin. He's thin like they never let you get at Whittier, thin like if anyone here got like that, they'd have a tube down your nose pronto. And Tony asks him how he got thin like that, and he doesn't say anything. And he offers him a cigarette, and he still doesn't say anything.

“You'd best watch out,” Rhodey says. “Certain people are _very_ irritable.” And by “certain people,” he means New-Loki. But Rhodey doesn't get it. How many weeks can a fellow sit around, just playing Hearts with Clint, and Steve? Bruce is the only one on Three who's interesting to talk to, and Bruce is in seclusion right now (or maybe they've moved him to a different ward).

“Bruce is irritable,” Tony says. “Sometimes. Most of the time he's not.”

“Yeah, well you just watch yourself,” says Rhodey. “You've been doing a really good job of keeping your nose clean, Tony.” – “Keeping your nose clean” means not being irritable. It means not fighting ~~, not talking about it when Wilson ... _Roosevelt_ gives you messages~~. – “I wouldn't want to see you lose privileges.”

But Tony doesn't listen (or maybe he does, but he doesn't pay any attention, because he's fed up to the teeth with sitting around Ward Three and playing Hearts). And he goes over to New-Loki, and he puts his hand on his shoulder. New-Loki starts. And Tony jumps back. – Shell-shock, they used to call it, but that's probably got a new name too. Can there still be shell-shock, when there haven't been any _shells_ in 20 years? – 

“Watch yourself,” says Rhodey again. Rhodey doesn't understand: Jumpy people make Tony jumpy.

New-Loki looks up, and Tony feels... ~~Feels the feelings start. The War feelings. If there's going to be a fight...~~ And Jarvis says, “Tony, he's all right,” and he hears that. Doesn't hear Rhodey. And Jarvis says, “He's all right. He's really sick, but he's all right. Like Bruce.” Tony smiles.

And New-Loki smiles back. And now he hears Rhodey. Rhodey says, “Well,whaddya know about that!” Clint's over at the table with the cards. Clint says, “Hey Tony, tell your new friend I want a game.” Steve says, “Be quiet, Clint. Isn't it enough you're fleecing all of us?”

And New-Loki says, “I am Loki of Asgard. How came I to this realm?” New-Loki is delusional. “Delusional” means he thinks things that aren't real. Not all people who are delusional are dangerous, though.

Tony says, “Want a cigarette?” And he holds out the pack of Lucky Strikes (Lucky Strike means fine tobacco) he got at the store in town on Saturday. And New-Loki takes one.


	2. Loki Has Visitors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki's visitors are his family. They cause problems.

See, Jarvis is Tony's best friend. He's always been his best friend. In Howard's house, in La Jolla, Tony couldn't sleep some nights, and he'd come downstairs, and there Jarvis would be. He'd be polishing the silver, glassful from Howard's brandy decanter on the table next to him. And he'd say, “So, Small Fry, you can't sleep?” And he'd get Tony a glassful of hot milk with brandy in it, and he'd tell him stories. Stories, about growing up in Pennsylvania. “Snow up to your ass,” he'd say. “Black snow, it's coal mining country, Tony.” And he'd polish the silver.

Tony probably wouldn't have survived flight training without him. And going to France? Never. Because he knew... Knew about... ~~About the blood, he knew about the blood by then. He'd seen it on his hands. “Out, damned spot.” And, “None of the perfumes of Araby will whiten this little hand.” That's Shakespeare.~~ ...Tony _knew things_. Already, when he started flight school, he knew things, that you don't want to think about ~~(but you know they're there)~~. He knew, and he wanted to do things. _Bad_ things, to himself, ~~things that will get you damned to Hell~~. Would have done them too, probably, if it weren't for Jarvis.

Because he was up in the air. He was in the air one time, first time in his own plane. Curtiss JN-4. Jarvis is a biplane, but Jarvis is a _soul_ , because first he was major-domo in La Jolla. Transmigratory... Trans-something. It's a Buddhist concept. Someday Tony will give Jarvis a better body, someday, probably after he gets out of Whittier. There are some really nice new aircraft models out there. There's an issue of _Life_ at the Nurses' Station. – Or was that on Ward Five? – Passenger flights. Transcontinental. Tony is going to give Jarvis a shiny passenger aircraft body. A Boeing 314 Clipper. 

...It was during flight school, that he found out Jarvis was in his plane, and was he ever glad, because he was so lonely. And Jarvis has been here ever since (even though he's supposed to pretend he's not). First thing in the morning, he's there, and last thing at night (when the formaldehyde they give you to sleep here is supposed to be working, only it never does). And in the dayroom. ~~And when the War's there. When it's in his head.~~

In the dayroom, Jarvis says, “Look, there are your friends. They're playing cards.” And Tony says, “They're always playing cards. Cards are boring.”

And Rhodey looks at him. Can't let him see him talking to Jarvis. “Who're you talking to, Tony?” he'll say. And Tony can't say “Jarvis.” There was a Doctors' Hearing, yesterday. Steve got out. He came and got his things. Packed 'em. Said, “Maybe I'll come back for a visit and I'll bring you something, fellows.” Might be Tony's turn next, if he keeps his nose clean.

And Tony looks at the table, and he says very loud, “I don't think I'll play cards with you today, fellows. Cards are boring. I think I'll talk to Loki.” 

Loki's sitting on the floor with his arms around his knees like he always does. Back to everyone. Face toward the window (but he can't see out the window, because it's up too high). Can't see his face with him turned away like that, but there'll be a frown on it. There's always a frown on it.

Loki's good to talk to, though. He talks about poetry, and art, and music. Things Tony would have learned about in school, if he'd been paying attention. – Jarvis says, “See, Tony? You only get one chance at culture.” And Tony says, “Yes, well here's Loki, looks like I'm getting another chance.” And he laughs. And then Rhodey looks at him, so he stops right away. – 

Even when he's delusional, Loki's interesting. Then, he talks about German mythology, and his father Odin-Allfather, and his brother Thor. And he's a Creature of Chaos, because he's a Giant, and someday he will lead an Army of the Dead in the Battle of Ragnarok. (And Tony wishes he'd paid better attention when Howard took him to the Bayreuth Wagner Festival, in 1911. And Jarvis says, “I told you so.”)

And Tony sits down, and he says, “How's Asgard?”

And Loki looks at him, and he's not delusional. It won't be Asgard today. 

Tony holds out the Lucky Strikes, and he says, “Want a cigarette?”

Loki takes one. – Loki's a cigarette-hog. He can smoke a pack a day, and he never has any. It's always Tony's, but that's okay. Tony can go to town. And he smokes them down to the butt. Sometimes he burns his fingers, and he doesn't notice, and Tony will take them and he'll throw them on the ground and squash them. – 

Tony gives him a light. And it's music today. It's opera. Tony says, “Well, I saw _The Chocolate Soldier_.” And Loki says, “Operetta?” And he snorts, very snooty and cultured. “That's not opera. Opera's Mozart. Bizet.”

Tony says, “ _Carmen_?” Thinks about Howard, whistling the Toreador Song, while he shaved. In Nantucket, that was. At the beach house. And then Nanny would take him down to the shore, and he'd bring his pail and shovel...

And Loki says, “Very good Tony, I see you're not a total dunce.” And he smiles, and Tony smiles (and Jarvis is watching, and he smiles). And Loki whistles a song with a lot of high notes in it, that he calls “The Habanera”.

Tony says, “Oh, that is very good, Loki.”

And Loki leans back against the wall and smiles. “I know a lot of songs,” he says. “I used to, before...” He doesn't say before what, and Tony doesn't push him. You push people, that's when they start getting irritable.

And then suddenly Rhodey's there, and he says, “Oh Loki look, you have a visitor!” 

Rhodey says it's Loki's family. Family's a fat man with glasses, lady with a German accent. Loki sees them, he goes stiff, his eyes narrow. Tony doesn't want to be there. He hears _it_ starting. Starting in his head. Voices, a lot of voices. Jarvis is just a little whisper, he can barely hear him ~~over the War~~ and he says, “Certain people are getting irritable, Tony.”

“Certain people”, yes. And the... ~~And the trenches are in the way, the muddy trenches. And the bodies, and even from up in the air, he can _smell_ the bodies.~~ ...And he sees Clint and the card game, and it takes a long time, but he goes over to him. And his hands are shaking, but nobody says anything, and Tony pulls out a chair and he sits down. “Deal me in,” he tells Clint.

And Clint says, “Sure, next hand, Tony. Got any cigarettes?”

And Tony has (because Loki didn't get a chance to smoke them all) and he puts the pack on the table.

Bruce is looking over at Loki. At Loki and his family. And Loki is moving very stiff. And jumpy, he's very, very jumpy. Fat-man with the glasses says, “Talk, talk, talk.” Lady with the accent says, “Nephew.” Something about “My dear nephew.” And, “Your parents, Loki.” And nobody can hear what Loki answers, but they can all hear his voice. They hear the sound of it. Whine of metal tearing apart, scream of shells. You always hear the one that's going to hit you, the one that's got your name on it.

Bruce says, “Gonna get noisy. Someone's upset.” Bruce is always poking his nose where it doesn't belong. 

Tony says, “What the hell are you talking about? Stop looking over there, it's none of your goddamn business.” Tony gets up. Body makes him get up.

Bruce says something. “Something-something, I've got a right... Who are you to tell me...” Whine of metal and the shrill of the shells, and all God's children are going straight to Hell. And Bruce gets up. 

And somewhere in his head, Tony can just hear Jarvis, and Jarvis says, “He's getting up. Something-something... Other Guy, Tony.” And Other Guy's dangerous, Other Guy's bad. Other Guy _smashes_. Tiny little voice that might be Jarvis's voice, says, “Tony, get out...”

Get out where? Get out how? No Man's Land? No _Man's_ Land? No _Where_ Land. No _Hope_ Land. And the scream of the shells, and the crump-crump noise of them hittinghittinghitting. And there's blood on his hands, there's **blood** , and everyone sees it, and they laugh, they say, “WEALWAYSKNEWHEWASNOGOOD.”

And somewhere... Somewhere... – Where's Jarvis? Overhead, he's overhead. – ...And somehow Tony sees what Jarvis sees, just for a moment he sees it, and he says, “Bruce, don't. Just don't Bruce, please.”

But there's no Bruce, there's the Hulk. And Hulk says, “Hulk SMASH!” And he's loud, but it's just one more noise, and the noise is all around, and the War. And then there's something going through the air, and it's a shell. And he hears Rhodey, far and wee (like the balloon man), and Rhodey says, “Tony, not the table.. Tony...” And then nothing. And nothing, and nothing, and nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's paraldehyde, not formaldehyde, that they used to give psychiatric patients to make them sleep, back in the 1930's and '40's, when there weren't very many effective medications out there. -- 
> 
> "Paraldehyde (Oral Route, Injection Route, Rectal Route) Description
> 
> Paraldehyde is used to treat certain convulsive disorders. It also has been used in the treatment of alcoholism and in the treatment of nervous and mental conditions to calm or relax patients who are nervous or tense and to produce sleep. However, this medicine has generally been replaced by safer and more effective medicines for the treatment of alcoholism and in the treatment of nervous and mental conditions."  
> http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/drug-information/DR601071 -- 
> 
> The confusion of the one name with the other, comes out of _The Snake Pit_ , by Mary Ward, where her main character makes the same confusion.


	3. On Thin Ice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After what happened, Tony and the others really should have been moved to a lower ward, but Nurse Potts has decided to give them another chance.

Tony wakes up, and there's cloth under his face. There's striped mattress-cloth, and it's lumpy, and it's scratchy, and it smells bad. And he lifts his head. – Neck hurts. – And he pushes himself up. – Arms hurt. There are bruises on his arms. Finger-marks. And he sits up, and he's on a mattress, and there's walls close around, and brown smears on the walls. And everyone knows what kind of things people smear on the walls in here. Did he do that? But he looks at his hands, and no, it's blood. It's dried blood from his fingers. And he knows where he is. “Seclusion,” he says. Seclusion is where they put you when you're irritable.

And there's a face in the barred window on the door. Happy's face. “So, you're back in the land of the living, are you?” he says.

Tony thinks about asking “Where was I before?” But he already knows that, doesn't he? He knows, but he can't talk about it, he can't even think about it, because he's on thin ice. He's on thin ice, and he can feel it under his feet, hear the crackle-crackle of it, right about to break if he pushes too hard. So he gets up instead. And it _hurts_ : Sore arms, sore-sore-sore. Sore places, where his fingernails are broken. His whole body's sore. And he goes to the door, and he looks out.

Happy's sitting on a folding chair, in the long, empty corridor. “You're watching me?” Tony says.

“Tell Jarvis I'm disappointed,” Happy says. “Usually he takes better care of you.” 

Jarvis. Tony licks his lips, his dry lips, with his dry tongue. “You don't know about Jarvis,” he says.

“Sure, Tony.” What does he know about what other people know? He doesn't even know what he knows, most of the time. “You just keep telling yourself that,” Happy says. “Listen, you want a drink? Something to eat?”

Tony looks down at his hands. Broken fingernails, broken, hurty fingernails, and all that dried blood. “Can I wash my hands?” he says.

But he can't. Can't leave Seclusion. “Not until Nurse Potts comes,” Happy says. “You know that. Sure you don't want something to eat? You been in here a long time. Missed supper. And breakfast.”

Supper, and breakfast. Only one day? A year maybe? (It feels like hundreds.) But Tony's not hungry. The War took his appetite, and now it's back inside the walls, or wherever it goes when it hides. He sits back down on the mattress. Lies down. The War left him very tired. After a while, he closes his eyes, and Jarvis is there. “Tony, you're sure on thin ice,” he says, and he picks Tony up, and they're in the air, up above the ice. And then there's nothing underneath but darkness. 

And then the door opens, and Nurse Potts is there. “You feeling better, Tony?” she says.

And he's only wearing his underwear. This is when he notices it. It's horribly indelicate for him to be like that in front of her. He doesn't even have a blanket. It's different with the orderlies, but Nurse Potts is a lady. “I'm sorry,” he tells her, and he tries to cover himself.

“Tony,” Nurse Potts says. “You're not showing anything I haven't seen before,” and she puts out her hands, and helps him get up.

And Tony comes out. And he looks up and down the hallway, and it looks just the same, it looks like a Ward Three hallway. But he knows what happens to people who are irritable. “I'm still on Ward Three, right?” he says.

“You're lucky you are,” Nurse Potts says. “After how you acted yesterday. You and your friends really tore up the place.” – His friends. Bruce and Loki, she means. – “I'm giving you another chance, though. Try not to mess it up.”

She doesn't tell him if Bruce and Loki are still on Ward Three or not, and Tony doesn't ask. He can still feel the thin ice under his feet, and he doesn't want to risk it. He just wants to wash his hands, and put on some clothes. Just wants to go into the dayroom, and have things start being normal again. So he goes down the hallway. – Happy goes with him, and at first he doesn't even notice. – He washes his hands very, very carefully (and Happy's in the bathroom with him), and he puts on some clean clothes (and Happy is right there too). 

“Sorry to do it Tony,” Happy says. Tony's sitting on the bed, tying his shoes. – He's still got the laces, so that's a good thing. Means they haven't taken away too many privileges. – Happy's watching. “One-on-one,” he says. “Nurse Potts put you back on one-on-one.”

One-on-one is when you have to have an orderly with you everywhere you go. “That's all right,” Tony says. He doesn't know if it's all right. It could be worse. There are worse things than having an orderly with you. There are much, much worse things, and he has been where they were, and it wasn't very long ago, he can still feel them, still smell them (if he lets himself), and if he's not careful, the thin ice will break, and he'll be right back there. “You're just doing your job, Happy,” he says.

And then he's in the dayroom, and it's empty. No, Loki is in there, Loki and Rhodey. And Loki's sitting at Clint's table, and there's a box on the table in front of him. White, pasteboard box. A dented box.

And Tony sits down with Loki. And he says what he always says, he says, “Want a cigarette?” But then he remembers he doesn't have any. What happened to them? It was the War. They got lost in the War. ...They were on the table... – There was a table, wasn't there? – ...And then something happened to the table. And it feels ...Feels bad, to think about what happened after that... So he says, “You're on one-on-one too?”

Loki looks up at Rhodey, and he doesn't say anything. 

And Rhodey says, “You and him. Nurse's orders. And your friend Bruce, when he gets out of pack. You fellows should be damn grateful you're still on Ward Three at all, after what you did. If we didn't have enough orderlies... If we hadn't just hired Coulson...”

And now Tony can feel it, now he feels glad. Because he thinks about coming into the dayroom and everything being different, and not even Loki there to talk to. ...And him not knowing where he was. And he looks up at Rhodey, and he says, “Where's everyone else?”

Rhodey says they're in town. “It's Saturday Tony,” he says. “Remember?”

Tony remembers that it was Friday when... When the things happened, the _bad_ things. That was a long time ago, but apparently they have made it be Saturday again somehow. Someday maybe he will find out how they manage to control the time.

“I remember,” Tony says. “Sure.” He looks at Loki, at the box in front of him. “What's in the box?” he says.

Loki pushes the box over to him. “It's cake,” he says. “Here, you have it, I certainly don't want it.”

You don't get very much cake at Whittier. And this smells good. Tony takes a piece. He holds the box out for Rhodey and Happy.

“Loki's aunt brought that,” Rhodey says. – Loki looks at him. – “Honey cake,” Rhodey says. “For the Jewish New Year.”

Loki looks at him, and his face is angry. Certain people are getting irritable again. “Can we talk about something else?” Tony says.

Rhodey says, “Sure Tony, sure. Don't want your new best friend going right back to Seclusion again, do we?”

“Yeah,” Tony says. They're both on thin ice, he thinks, him and Loki. He wonders if Loki knows how thin the ice is, but that's not the kind of thing you ask people. “What do you want to talk about,” he asks him instead.

And Loki wants to talk about Art. He wants to talk about Dada, and the Expressionists, but then when Tony doesn't know any of them, he talks about Rembrandt and Vermeer instead. And after that, things start to feel very normal (and the ice feels like it is getting a little thicker). 

And then Rhodey brings them coffee from the nurse's station, and they never do this, they never bring you food in the dayroom (because some people will throw it). “Just this once, fellows,” Rhodey says. “Because you missed breakfast.”

“Because you didn't get to go to town,” Happy says, and he has coffee too, and a slice of honey cake. And even though this is all very unusual, it feels all right (and Tony can feel the ice getting thicker some more).

And then that's when Bruce comes in, and he is very pale and tired-looking, because he's been in pack. – Pack is for people who are _very_ irritable. They wrap you in wet cloth. In very cold wet cloth, and it's tight, and you can't move, you can't move in any direction. Tony's been in pack a few times ~~(bad times, bad, bad, _terrible_ times)~~ , but he hasn't been for a long time, because he's been keeping his nose clean. – Bruce comes over to the table and he sits down, and New-Orderly Coulson is right behind him. New-Orderly Coulson looks all right, just a little quieter than Happy or Rhodey.

Tony pushes the box of cake over to Bruce. “Here, have some,” he says. Then he looks at Loki, and he asks, “Is it all right?”

Loki gives a snort. “I don't care what you do with it.” 

“Sounds like permission to me,” Rhodey says. “Go ahead Bruce, take some. You must be hungry.”

And Happy says, “It's good cake. Certain people just aren't very appreciative.”

Bruce doesn't even look at the cake, though. He looks at Loki instead, and he says, “ _He's_ here?”

Loki looks at him, and he says, “I have a right.” (And Tony feels the ice getting thinner.)

And Tony hears Bruce say, “After all the trouble you caused before?” Tony can kind of hear him, over the noises that are starting again, over the War-noises,and the crackle of the thin-thin ice.

And Rhodey says, “Listen, both of you settle down.”

And Happy says, “Bruce, I'm surprised at you. Do you want to get moved? Look, you're upsetting Tony.”

And Tony says, “No!” – And his face hurts, fingernails dug in his face on both sides, and it hurts, but it's the only way to keep the noises out. And far and wee, he hears Jarvis say, “Tony, you can put your hands down,” but he can't-he can't-he can't. – “I'm not upset. It's because Bruce is jumpy,” Tony says. “Jumpy people make me jumpy, you know that.”

Happy says, “Yeah Tony, we know. You're trying to keep your nose clean, and you're doing a good job. Come on, let's get you out of here.”

And Rhodey says, “Certain people could take a lesson. Bruce, you just got out of pack, do you want to go right back again?”

And Tony hears Bruce say, “It's not me, it's the Other Guy,” but he's not very close any more. He's going to the nurse's station with Happy to get something to read. And they go out into the hall, and he can just barely hear Rhodey saying, “Loki, you don't seem to appreciate being on Ward Three. Stop all this God of Thunder crap.” And Jarvis says, “God of Chaos, Loki's the God of Chaos.” (Jarvis knows this, because he was there when Loki told Tony, one day when he was being delusional.) And Tony says, “He sure is causing a lot of chaos,” and now he's far enough away from the War-sounds, and the thin-thin ice, that he can laugh a little.

Happy says, “Yeah Tony, he sure is.” And a new _Life_ just came, and he gives it to Tony. “There's an article about airplanes,” he says. “Maybe you can find a new body for Jarvis.”

And Tony looks, but they're warplanes (and he can't look at those, not now, not with the ice still so thin), so he closes his eyes and gives the magazine back. “Is the other one still here?” he asks Happy, and it is, so that's all right.

And after a while the other fellows come back from town. And Clint's brought Tony a pack of cigarettes. “You'd better play cards with me this week,” he says. “I'm going to win all these back from you. Tony.”

And Tony looks at them. “They're Phillip Morris,” he says. “You know my brand's Lucky Strike.” And Clint calls him an “ungrateful bastard,” but it's all right, he doesn't mean it, that's just how he talks.

And after a while it's supper time, and Happy goes to the cafeteria with Tony. And Bruce and Loki are there too, so apparently they haven't gotten moved yet. Hopefully they've decided to keep their noses clean.


	4. Past is Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a Wednesday morning, and Loki gets very upset about something.

It's Wednesday. Tony's been keeping track, and it's Wednesday (unless they've changed the days again). And breakfast was scrambled eggs. They make them out of powder, Clint says. “Powdered eggs, you heard of those, Tony?” And Tony says, “Yeah, sure, of course.” Tony ate the powdered eggs. Bruce ate them too. Loki didn't. You have to eat what they serve you, that's part of how they decide who's well enough to leave, but apparently Loki hasn't figured that out yet.

And now they're in the dayroom. Clint's playing cards with some new fellows. “Whole new crop of suckers,” he says, “I'm going to take 'em for everything they've got. Since you fellows won't play with me any more.” And he looks at Bruce and Tony. Tony's going over to talk to Loki. Bruce is coming too.

“You mad, Clint?” Bruce says.

“No,” Clint says. “I just don't see the attraction.”

But Bruce understands: Loki is interesting. He talks about interesting things, not just cards and winning, and cigarettes. So they go over, him and Bruce, and they sit down with him on the floor, over in his corner. And Tony doesn't have any cigarettes, but Bruce does... He has tobacco, anyway, and rolling papers, and it's better than nothing. And Rhodey gives them a light when they're ready. And Loki wants to talk about past history today, maybe because he doesn't know Bruce so well yet.

Loki says, “Where were you before you came here, Tony?”

And Tony says, “Which time,” because this is his fourth time at Whittier.

And Loki looks at him. He gives him a look. _Bad thing_ look, Tony-you-did-a-bad-thing. How does he know what Tony did? He's only been here a month. Who told him? Loki says, “What do you mean 'this time', Tony?”

“It's okay,” Jarvis says. “You can answer, Tony,” but he can't. “You-did-a-bad-thing-Tony-Tony-I'm-always-cleaning-up-your-messes.” Someone is saying it? Who is saying it? How does Loki know what he did? Can he see inside Tony's head?

Bruce says, “Tony's been here before, Loki. He's been here... How many times, Tony?”

Jarvis' voice? Tony's voice? _Someone's_ voice says, “Four times.”

Loki looks, Tony-you-did-a-bad-thing again. Looks, I'm-always-cleaning-up-your-messes. (But there are no messes. _None_. He's been keeping his nose clean.) “Really?” Loki snorts. He looks at Bruce, gives him the bad look. “How about you,” he says. “Have you been here before too?”

Bruce says, “Twice. And before that there was a place in New Mexico.” Bruce can say this, because he's not the one who did the bad things, it was the Other Guy. But Tony did them, he did all of them. He's done nothing but make messes all his life, and that's why Howard and Maria won't live in the same state with him any more (and why he will probably have to spend the rest of his life in Whittier).

“I couldn't stand coming back to _this place_ ,” Loki says. “I'd rather die.”

“Die” is not a good word. People shouldn't use it if they don't have to, but Loki uses it. “I'd rather die,” he says. And, “Don't worry Tony,” Jarvis says. “There's nothing here to worry about,” but Tony closes his eyes. He takes a breath and think about other things, quiet things, safe things. ...And when he opens his eyes, Loki's saying something. “Asgard,” he says. “Something-something Asgard.”

Loki is being delusional again, apparently. He wasn't before, but now he is. He changed while Tony was... ~~While Howard was there, and Maria. While Tony did the bad things.~~ He's delusional, but maybe they can still have a good conversation.

“I was in Asgard,” Loki is saying. “And frankly, I can't wait to go back. I have seen enough of Midgard to last an eternity.” “Midgard” is what Loki calls Earth, when he is being delusional. “I want to be among my own kind. We are immortal, and cannot die. Have I told you about Idunn's apples?”

Bruce says. “I was in New York, before I came here. I had a job with WHN 1010. Manager said I'm the best radio technician he's ever seen. He said as soon as I get out, I can have my old job back.”

Loki says, “Golden apples, as fair as the sun. And the gods partake of them, every day. It keeps us young and beautiful.”

Jarvis says, “Danbury, Tony, remember?” Tony doesn't want to remember. It was '36. He remembers, it was '36. November. And everybody was saying, “No second term for Roosevelt. Lodge and Landon. Defeat the New Deal.” And Tony said he wanted to live in New York, but Howard said no. “I'm getting you the apartment in Danbury,” he said. “That's better. You can live there. And try to keep your nose clean for once, Tony. I'm tired of cleaning up your messes.” Tony tried. He remembers it, and he really tried. But then the War was outside, and it started to get in, started coming in through the walls. And the wet toilet paper was the only way to block it out. And he couldn't go downstairs, because the War was there, and the garbage started to pile up. Jarvis says ...something. Tony says, “I don't want to remember, you can't make me remember.”

Loki says, “Something-something... The Giant Thiassi... Of course, deprived of the apples, my people soon showed signs of old age...”

Bruce says, “I've been practicing. What I don't know about radios isn't worth knowing...”

Howard says... – Jarvis says, “Tony, you don't have to listen to him, Tony, that's the _past_.” – Howard... ~~”Tony, what was it this time? Tony, I'm at the end of my rope.” Maria, Mother, where is she? Why won't she even visit?~~ Howard... Jarvis... No, Bruce, _Bruce_...

_Bruce_ says, “Of course it's different working with the sets here. Not much of a challenge. Tony, remember,” he says...

Remember what? What does Bruce want him to remember? Bruce can't hear Howard, can he? Because Howard's in the past... But with the way people change the time around here, who knows?

“Remember when I adjusted the frequency,” Bruce says. “We got Chicago, remember? WGN, 720. And Clint pitched a fit, because 'Little Orphan Annie' came on an hour early.” Bruce laughs. ~~Laughs at him. “Tony,” Jarvis says, “that's the past. It's _over_.”~~

Loki says, “They were near death, Father... Mother... I was at Thiassi's castle, searching for Idunn...”

Bruce says, “Tony, remember...”

And someone's voice... Happy? Rhodey? ...Someone says, “Bruce, why don't you cool it? You're getting Tony upset.” Someone says, “Irritable... You think he's gonna...”

And Bruce says, “Sorry, Tony. I was just saying... Gotta keep my skills sharp, I want to get my job back.”

Jarvis says, “It was funny, Tony. Nurse Romanov ran around, remember?”

“Like a chicken with her head cut off,” Tony says. Not all memories are bad. There are good ones, and you can remember them. “And she checked all the clocks. And Clint said they were gypping us, he said...”

“Gotta keep my skills sharp,” Bruce says.

And then Loki says... No, he screams... He stands up, and he screams, “They didn't die. My people are immortal...”

And Jarvis puts his hands over Tony's ears. “You don't have to listen,” he says. “Tony, it's okay, you didn't do anything.”

And Bruce says, “Not right now, no. Everything was going so good.”

And then Happy and Rhodey are there. And then Loki's not, and the noise is fading down the hallway. And Jarvis doesn't take his hands off Tony's ears until it's gone. Jarvis is a good friend.

And then the new guy, Coulson, is saying, “Well, that sure came out of nowhere. Tony, Bruce, are you all right?”

And Tony looks at Bruce, and he's all right, no Other Guy, no Hulk. And he looks around, and Howard is gone (back into the past), but Jarvis is still right there, just like he should be. And Clint says, “Told you fellows. You shoulda played cards with me.”

Bruce says, “Maybe we will now, only we got no cigarettes.”

And Clint says, “That's okay, I'll spot you.” Spotting them means he'll loan them some cigarettes (only they'd better be sure and lose them right back to him, or he'll pitch a fit).

Then Tony gets up, and Bruce gets up, and they go over to the table. Clint slides some cigarettes over to them. Lucky Strikes. And Tony says, “Mind if I smoke one of these?” And Clint says, “Sure, but just one. Gotta have some stakes if you're gonna play.”

And then Rhodey comes back in, and he says, “Everything copacetic?”

And the new guy, Coulson says, “Everything is just fine. We've got no problems in here.”


	5. Bad Things at the Drugstore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you are not friends with angry people, who is there left?

After a while, it's Saturday again, and Saturday is the day they go to town. This week no one's in Seclusion, so they all go, and Rhodey and Happy and Coulson go with them. They go to the drugstore. And Tony wants to get a magazine, but all the magazines have... They all have pictures... ~~War and uniforms. Bombsbombsbombsbombsbombs... “No Tony, there is never going to be another war,” Howard says, “because we have the League of Nations now.” Howard is not _wrong_ about things.~~ ...Tony was going to look at the magazines, but Jarvis says, “Tony, they are not very interesting this week.”

And Tony says, “I wanted to get you a new body.”

And Jarvis says, “Tony, I believe I will be happy with this body for quite a while longer.” So Tony gets four packs of Lucky Strikes instead, and he gets a Tarzan book to read. And then he goes over to the soda fountain, where the others are. And Happy says, “Tony, what do you want?”

And Tony says, “There's never going to be another war.”

Happy says, “You want a hot dog? You better have a hot dog, Tony.” 

Jarvis says, “Tony, remember, the League of Nations? Howard says there's never going to be a...” ~~A war.~~ ~~_(But what's the noise outside, then?)_~~

And Clint says “Of course there's going to be a _war_. We have to stop Hitler.”

And Bruce says, “Who is Hitler?”

Loki says, “You mortals are always killing each other. Something-something,” he says, “pathetic mortals.” 

Clint says, “Hitler's boss'a Germany. Something-something... Kill the Jews.”

And the noise is outside, the ~~war~~... The noise is outside, and the noise is inside, and _Tony is not going to make another mess._

Bruce says, “Jews, you mean the religion?”

And Loki says something. He says, “Something-something mortals, something-something, Asgard.”

And there's bad noise. Bad noise outside ~~(inside)~~. Jarvis says... Tony says, “Rhodey, I am not... I am keeping my nose clean.” 

And Bruce ~~(Hulk)~~ says, “Why are people getting angry? Idon'tlikeitwhenpeopleareangry.”

Not angry, not angry, not angry. Is it his fault there is a war in here? “Jarvis,” he says, “make it stop.” Jarvis says, “Tony.” He says, “Tony...”

“Pathetic...” Somebody says, “Pathetic mortals.” Loki says. Someone is going outside, and then they are all outside. And the drugstore man says something, he says, “Don't come back... You said they'd never...”

Happy – Happy? – says. “Tony...” He says, “Tony, it'll be all right.”

Noise of explosions, smell of of dead bodies. Dead bodies in the trenches, you can smell them from up here. What's going to be all right? “I am keeping my nose clean.” Does he say it? “Iamkeepingmynoseclean.”

And right before something happens, he hears Clint talking, and he says, “I still say, Hitler...” And he hears Rhodey saying, “Clint, where's your common sense?” And Clint says, “I gotta right ...my opinion.”

Car noises. And Coulson is driving. And Clint says, “I never got to eat my hamburger.” And Rhodey says, “Clint, you're just as much a part of this as anyone.” And Loki says, “Pathetic mortals. Something-something Asgard.” And Rhodey says, “You fellows better be grateful you're not all headed for Seclusion, right now.”

And Tony says, “I am keeping my nose clean.”

Loki says, “Pathetic... Delusional mortals...” And Clint says, “Who ya calling delusional, Asgard-boy?” And Happy says, “Settle down, all of you!” And there's noise, there's angry noise. And Bruce says, “Angry... Don't get angry... Something-something Other Guy.” And Tony takes out the Tarzan book from his bag, and he opens it. And then there are two pieces in his hands, two ripped pieces. ~~And he's made another mess for Howard to clean up.~~ And he can hear Jarvis, he can hear him far and wee: “Tony, it's all right. It'll all be all right.”

You better be right, Jarvis.

And then they are back at Whittier. Happy says, “You musta drove 100 miles an hour,” and Coulson says, “It seemed necessary.” And then they are upstairs in Ward Three, and Happy says, “Okay, all'a you, go to your separate corners.” And Clint says, “Don't look at me. You think I'm part of this?”

And after a very long time, things are quiet again. And Loki is over to his corner and he won't talk to anybody. And Bruce says, “I don't want to talk to him anyway. Loki is angry, and angry people... ...Angry people,” he says, and, “Something-something, Other Guy.”

Tony says, “Well, I wasn't angry. You can't say I was angry. It's not my fault there was a...” ~~_(...Was a war.)_~~ ...Tony won't say what there was, but Jarvis is there, and It's-okay-Tony.

Clint says, “Well don't you pin none of this on me. It was that friend of yours, it was Loki. That friend of yours is sick. He's what you call delusional.” And then he says, “You fellows wanna play cards?”

And then they are sitting at the table, and Clint is dealing the cards. And it's just them, and Clint says, “No stakes today. Fellows, I'm offering you a deal here.” And it is very, very quiet, just the cards moving. “Something-something,” Bruce says. “New Mexico... My Mamma ...in New Mexico.” And Clint says, “Bootleggers. Long Island...” (Only he calls it Lawn Guyland.) “Gonna be a bootlegger with Pa, in Lawn Guyland.” And Bruce says, “There aren't any bootleggers. Something-something, '33. 21st Amendment.” And Clint says, “Not my Pa. My Pa's big.”

And then it is suppertime. And it is okay, it is very quiet. Just the sound of eating, and the smell of the food. And where is Loki? Is he having any? And Jarvis says, “Loki is very angry, you had better stay away from him, Tony.” And Tony says, “If I'm not friends with angry people, who is there left?” And Rhodey says, “You got that right Tony.” And supper is chipped beef on toast. “Shit on a shingle,” Clint says, and Bruce says, “Funny.” Chipped beef on toast is not very good, but they're watching, they're always watching you here, so Tony eats some of it. And then it's _Little Orphan Annie_ time, and then it's time for medications.

And then Tony is in bed, and Bruce is in the bed next to him. And Bruce says, “Me and you, we're friends, right, Tony?” And Tony says, “Yeah. And Loki too.” But Bruce says, “I don't know, Tony. I don't like angry people.”


	6. Loki's Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki has been very angry, and very delusional, ever since their trip to the drugstore, so when his family visits Ward Three, they talk to Tony and Bruce instead.

Well the thing is, there is definitely a war. The magazines would _not_ lie about it, and Clint... Well sometimes Clint knows things, and maybe he knows about this. Anyway, Rhodey says there is a war, and Rhodey doesn't lie. And Rhodey says, “The war is in Europe, Tony, you don't need to worry,” but that is him being delusional. Wars never stay in Europe, Tony remembers that from the last time. First it was in France, but then when he went back stateside, it came with him, and first it was in the hospital with him, and then it was... ~~Was everywhere. Was in his head.~~ ...Then, it did not go away. But it's another war now, right? That's what Rhodey says. He says, “They're fighting Hitler this time.”

And Clint says, “Yeah, because he wants to kill all the Jews.” Clint doesn't want all the Jews getting killed, but what he doesn't get is that once the war gets in, _everyone_ dies. ~~It's just dead, stinking corpses, and you can see them, you can smell them, even from high in the air, and the noises start, the bombs and the crashing.~~ Wars are not for saving people. Wars are a mess.

You don't talk about that stuff, though. You don't talk about it, and you pretend not to notice it. They will see you, and they'll say, “Tony is sure keeping his nose clean this time,” and maybe you'll get to leave.

These are the thoughts in Tony's mind: He is thinking, “Well, there is a war outside, and someday it is going to come here, but it's not here now, and meanwhile, I am keeping my nose clean.” And then Jarvis says, “Maybe you don't want to leave Whittier, Tony, because that war sure is a big mess, and this way Howard can't blame you for it.”

And Tony says, “Well he can't blame me, because I was right here the whole time.” But then he wonders: Is this one his fault too? Maybe his soul traveled? Or his body, while he was asleep, maybe? Maybe it _was_ him, and he didn't even know he was doing it ~~, and one day Howard will come. He'll say, “Tony, I am at the end of my rope. I'm tired of cleaning up your messes. Now all the Jews are dead, and it's all your fault.”~~

And Jarvis says, “Stop it Tony. Tony, you're making yourself crazy. And anyway, if anyone caused the war, it was Bruce. His Other Guy is always so angry.”

But then some things happen (and he doesn't have to think about it for a while). And first, there is a Doctor's Hearing, and they're transferring Clint to Ward Two. And Clint says, “Well, so long fellows. I'll bring you something from the outside.”

And Happy's there, and he says, “Don't get a swelled head. I seen fellows that was on Ward One, now they're on the back wards.”

Clint says, “Huh, that won't be me. He says to Bruce and Tony, he says, “You fellows hurry up and be transferred. And bring lots of cigarettes when you come, so I can win 'em offa you.”

Then Bruce says, “Clint's sicker than me. When do I get transferred?” 

And Happy says, “You gotta get that anger problem under control first.”

And Tony says, “I am happy here. I don't want to leave.” But he thinks, maybe he's already leaving? His soul, or maybe his body? In his _dreams_? Maybe he is going to Europe, and he's making this whole mess ~~and Howard will come, and he'll say, Tony-you-did-a-bad-thing~~?

Happy says, “Well I'm glad you're happy here, Tony.” And then he says something else, he says, “You're happy and I'm Happy. Hey-look-Tony-I-made-a-funny.”

And Tony can't say what he's thinking, he can't, he won't. That is crazy-talk, it is _not_ keeping your nose clean. And then Clint says, “Well fellows, I'm leaving.” And he goes, and he is gone, and Ward Three is very quiet without him.

And Bruce says, “Well, now what'll we do?”

And Tony says, “We'll talk to Loki,” but Loki is being _very_ angry, and _very_ delusional, ever since they went to the store and found out about the war, and he won't talk to them, he won't talk to anyone. He just sits in his corner, and if you try to talk to him, he fights you, and then he goes to Seclusion (and Rhodey says, “Just-one-more-fight-and-he's-gonna-be-transferred.”).

And so they talk to each other instead. And Bruce talks about radios. He says, “Just let me get into the nurse's station, Tony. We'll take the radio apart, I'll show you how it works.”

And Tony says, “That is delusional talk. You know they keep the nurse's station locked.”

And Bruce says, “Delusional is a bad word. You want to talk about delusional? How about Jarvis?”

And Tony can see the angry starting. He looks at Bruce, and he sees his Other Guy. There are _bad_ things this way, bad, bad things, so when he talks again, he is very nice to Bruce. “You sure know a lot about radios,” he says. “Where did you learn it?”

And Bruce talks about his first job. And he was living in New Mexico, and he worked at a station. He worked at KGGM 610, Albuquerque, and he was the technician there. “First radio station in the state,” Bruce says. “And we played mostly records, we played cowboy records.” And he says, “I don't like cowboy music. All that twangy stuff. Me, I am glad I'm in New York now, and I listen to jazz.”

And Tony says, “We're not in New York, this is Massachusetts.”

And Bruce says, “Yeah, that's what I meant. And I'm going back to New York when I get out of here. I got a job waiting.”

And then some more time goes by. It is Friday again (unless they are changing the days). And Loki's family comes for a visit, and it is his aunt and his uncle, just like the other time. And Loki has been angry and delusional all week, and he gets more angry and delusional when they show up.

“I will not see those pathetic mortals,” he says. And, “They are not my family, they are nothing to me. My family is in Asgard.”

But Loki's family does _not_ leave right away. They stay and talk to Bruce and Tony instead. And Loki's uncle says, “We are very glad that Loki has friends here,” and his name is Uncle Theo.

And Loki's aunt says, “Here, I brought cookies. Would you fellows like one?” And her name is Aunt Josie. 

The cookies are very good, and they have raisins in them, and Happy takes one too, and then he brings coffee for everyone, even Bruce and Tony, and they drink it, and eat more cookies.

And Loki's aunt and uncle talk about Loki. And Aunt Josie says he went to college, he went to Princeton. “And he will go back,” she says. “He'll go back after he gets over this breakdown.”

Tony went to college too. He went to M.I.T. And Howard said, “Harvard. All the Stark men go to Harvard.” But Tony went to M.I.T., only he doesn't tell Aunt Josie about it, because he never went back ~~(after the War got in his head)~~ , and it would just make her feel depressed.

And Uncle Theo talks about Loki's parents. Apparently they are ~~dead~~... Apparently they will never be coming back, not his delusional parents in Asgard, but his real parents. They were in Europe, and they died, and it wasn't the war that killed them, it was Hitler.

~~Maybe it was Tony doing it... Maybe when his soul goes to Europe (or his body), and he makes a mess. ...He makes a mess, and maybe he killed Loki's parents?~~ Tony is thinking things, he is thinking things that don't feel good (and Jarvis says, “Don't worry Tony, they are not real.”). And while he is thinking, Uncle Theo says something. He says, “Something-something. ...Army, Tony?”

And Bruce says, “He doesn't like to talk about that.”

But it's okay ~~(It's the least he can do, since he probably killed Loki's parents)~~. “I was a flyboy,” Tony says. “I flew a Curtiss JN-4.”

And Uncle Theo says, “That's very interesting.” And he is interested in planes, and then he and Tony talk about planes for quite a long time. 

And before Loki's family leaves, Aunt Josie says she will make Tony a pair of socks. “Because it's cold in the winter,” she says. “They will be your Chanukah present.”

And that's when they leave, and Loki never came back the whole time. It was just Bruce and Tony, as if Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo had come to see them. And they still have what's left of the cookies, and that is quite a lot of cookies. And Uncle Theo says he'll send Tony a letter, so now he's going to get mail, as well as a present for Chanukah. But what if... What if his mind can travel (or his body)... ~~What if he made the mess in Europe... _He made it_. Howard says, Tony-I'm-tired-of-cleaning-up-your-messes.~~ And what if you are why someone doesn't have their parents, and so they had a breakdown, and now you are taking away Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo as well? What about that, Tony ~~, what will Howard say~~?

And Jarvis says, “Loki doesn't treat his family very well, Tony. You'd treat them better.”


	7. The Bad Thing That Happens to Tony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did you know you can live in the air? Sometimes that is the only place you can live, when people come, and they say things... And then that's not the worst thing that happens.

Well more days go by, and at first it's just the usual. It's just him and Bruce on Ward Three, and Loki won't talk to them, Loki is always angry and delusional any more, and he won't talk to anyone. And then something bad happens, something very bad: One day, and it's in October, Tony is very sure it is October: One day, there is a fight. And it's not Tony and Bruce, because they know Loki, they know better, and besides, they're keeping their noses clean, thank you very much. It is one of the new fellows, and he tries to talk to Loki. He tries to talk to him, and then Loki says to go away, and then he doesn't.

And after that, noise, noise, a lot of noise. And after that, “You don't have to be in the dayroom, Tony, you have a grounds pass,” Jarvis says, and Bruce also has a grounds pass. After that they are outside. It is October, and the leaves are falling, and it is very cold (and Tony's coat is in the cloakroom on Ward Three), but it is quiet outside.

And Bruce says, “Loki is very sick, Tony.”

And Tony knows why. He knows, but he can't say, because it is crazy-talk. It's the kind of thing you don't say even to your friends.

Tony says, “It's only a breakdown, remember, Aunt Josie said?” But he doesn't believe it, he really doesn't. And he has to walk very fast after that, to keep... ~~Keep Howard out of his head, keep him from saying, “This mess is your fault too, Tony.”~~

Well then more days go by. And at first, some good things start happening. First, Bruce gets transferred to Ward Two, and then Tony gets transferred too. And Clint's not there, but Steve is. And Steve says, “This is just a minor setback, fellows. That's what my doctor says.” And Bruce says, “Yeah, those things happen.” And Steve doesn't play Hearts, but he is very good at Bridge (and he doesn't make you bet cigarettes to play), and so a lot of the time on Ward Two, they play Bridge.

And the orderlies on Two are not as nice as the ones on Three, but here's one good thing about them: Unlike on Ward Three, these fellows let Bruce work on the radio in the nurse's station. They say they like having a fellow here who is good with gadgets, and they let Bruce work on the radio, and they let him show Tony how as well. And he shows Tony how to replace a blown tube, and how to fix a break in the wires, and how to put the set back inside the cabinet, after one of the other fellows pitches a fit and knocks it loose. And one night when no one's paying attention, Bruce and Tony adjust the tuning, and they pick up a station from Canada. They pick up CKVD 900, out of Val d'Or, Quebec. And all afternoon, it is dance music, so they don't get caught, but then after supper, when _Little Orphan Annie_ comes on, it's in French, and the charge-nurse pitches a fit.

Those are the good things that happen. After that... Well, after that...

After that: Did you know you know that you can actually _live_ in the air? Maybe you've never done that, maybe you've always lived on the ground. Tony had always lived on the ground, but then... Well then, some things happened, and then Jarvis said... Well he said, “Come live with me in the air, Tony. I will carry you.” And Tony went and lived with him. He lived inside him.

And what happened, was that first... Well, first it was November. It was late November, almost time for Thanksgiving. And then something strange happened. Then someone visited, and they visited for Tony...

It was Maria ~~(Mother)~~. It was Maria, and... Maria came, and she looked very old, but very, very beautiful. And she said... And she gave him a hug, a tight hug, and she smelled like she always smells. She smelled like Quelques Fleurs, which is a toilet water, imported from France.

And she said, “Tony, it's been too long!” And she was very happy to see him on Ward Two. She said, “Tony, you've made so much progress. I think this time it's really going to stick.”

And he said... He said... And he was very delusional. Tony said, “I'm coming home for Thanksgiving, right Mother? Because the charge-nurse said I can get a weekend pass.” And Maria said... She said... And she was crying, he saw her turn away, and there were tears. And she said, “Oh, Tony, Tony...” ~~She said, "Tony, we are moving... Moving to California."~~ And she said, "I-just-came-to-say-good-bye, to say good-bye, son." And Howard said, he said, "This is all too much... ~~- _You_ are too much, Tony. - ~~ Your mother is not getting any younger." And after that...

After that, some things happened, and Tony is not exactly sure what. After that, Maria ~~(Mother)~~... After that, she was gone. He remembers her being gone. After that, Howard was... He doesn't remember where Howard was. ~~...Remembers, Tony remembers. He remembers the noise of it, and the _smell_... The smell of it, and the crump-crump-crump of the shelling. And Howard's voice, his voice louder than the shells, and he said, “Tony, I'm always cleaning up your messes.”~~

And there were some other things that happened. There were some crashing noises, and the sound of men screaming. And it was the war, the war, the war. It was back again, or it had never left, and _it was all Tony's fault._

And the feel of big hands on him. Big hands, from both sides, and voices... He doesn't know whose voices. And then nothing, for a long time, nothing. And nothing, and nothing... And then pictures. And the mattress... Stained mattress. And the walls... The close-close walls. And there are stains, there are fresh stains, and they are _not_ blood, and they are there because Tony made them.

And the smell of it is the smell of death, and it's all over him, it's all over. And it goes on for a long time, and there's no end to the sound, and the noise, and the _smell_.

...And then after a long time, there are more hands. Big hands. There are more voices. “Something,” they say. “Something-something, this one...” And, “He's rough,” says the other voice. “Don't let his size fool you.” And then there's icy cold water all around him, and there is cloth holding him in place, so he can't escape. Tony knows where he is. He's seen the trenches, seen them in France. And they'd fill up with water. The rains would come, and they'd fill up... Heavy shelling. Bomb fell in the trench. And the dead bodies, the dead, stinking bodies. He is down there in the trench with the bodies, with the dead, stinking bodies all around him...

_He is dead_ , because look at the winding sheet. He is dead... Tony looks at his hands, he looks, when the big hands take him out of the trench for a little while, and _they are bloated_ , and he can smell the death all over him.

And then that's when he sees Jarvis. It's just like the last time, he's there right when Tony needs him most. And he says, “Tony, you sure did pitch a fit.”

And Tony is inside of Jarvis. He is inside him, and they are in the air. And the smell is cool and fresh, and you can hardly smell the death from up there, you can hardly see all the dead bodies. And it is very quiet, and Tony lives in the air. He lives up there. And things happen down below. _Something_ is taken out of one trench. Two men take it out, two big men. They put it into another trench. Sometimes they put a tube down its throat, and they force something down the tube. It is _not_ Tony down there. It is a dead body, and Tony is up in the air with Jarvis.

The air is very nice, and very peaceful, but you cannot stay up there forever unless you are an angel. And after a while Tony returns to Earth. Maybe he is reincarnated. He returns, and the big men are just orderlies. And they say, “Well, fellow, it looks like you're getting transferred.” They say, “We won't be sorry to see the back of you, you sure know how to pitch a fit.” And they say, “You better keep your nose clean on Ward Fifteen, or you'll be coming right back to tubs.”

And that's how Tony knows he is on Ward Fifteen now. And at least they give him trousers to wear, and shoes (without laces). And he goes in there, and at first he thinks he is not going to know anyone (and Jarvis says, “Tony, at least you have me.”). But then he sees Coulson, and apparently he is working on Ward Fifteen now. And then he sees Loki.

And Loki looks just like always (only thinner than ever). And he is sitting over in a corner all alone, and smoking a cigarette right down to the butt. And Tony goes over there, and he says, “Loki, I'm sorry.” (I'm sorry I killed your parents.)

And Loki looks at him, and he says, “Tony, what happened to Ward Two?”

And Tony says, “Sometimes things happen.” (Sometimes you pitch a fit.) And he feels in his pocket, and there are cigarettes there, and maybe they are his cigarettes. (From before he was dead?) And they're Lucky Strikes, so whoever put them there, at least knows his brand. And he takes them out, and he offers one to Loki.

And Loki takes it, and Coulson gives them a light. And Tony sits down with him, and they talk. And it's not delusional-talk, it's the other kind. Loki talks about paintings. He talks about landscapes. “Turner,” he says. “Have you heard of him?”

And Tony hasn't, so Loki talks about Andrew Wyeth instead. And he talks about Monet. “The impressionists, Tony. Are you familiar with them?” And it's hard conversation to follow. It is not easy keeping track of things, when you've just been dead. But it's good conversation. It's good, quiet, friendly conversation.

And after a while it's suppertime. And suppertime on Ward Fifteen means metal plates. It means forks and spoons, but no knives. And Coulson is the orderly that takes them, and he says, “Tony, I heard you were being transferred here.” And he says, “Good man, I know you, you'll keep your nose clean.” And he pats Tony on the shoulder, and then he goes to pat Loki. But Loki glares at him, so he pulls his hand back, and then he says, “Maybe you'll be a good influence for your friend here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of explanation is necessary here: In most of the histories and memoirs I have read, wards in mental hospitals used to be ranked, with the smallest-numbered wards housing the most nearly convalescent patients, and numbers getting larger, depending how sick the patients there were. That is one thing I am using here. Ward Two is better than Ward Three, and Ward Fifteen represents a big setback, for Tony and Loki as well.
> 
> Another thing: After Tony finds out that his parents are leaving, and has a meltdown, he's taken for hydrotherapy. This was a standard treatment in the 1930's, and consisted of confining the patient in running water for most of the day. It was generally used in conjunction with a wet-pack, or a sort of a restraint, made of icy wet cloth, in which they would be confined during the night.


	8. Ward Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ward Fifteen is a very low ward, and all the fellows there are extremely sick. But Tony is _not_ going to stay there forever.

Well apparently, Thanksgiving is already over. It happened while Tony was... ~~_While he was in the trenches..._~~ ...It happened while he was in tubs. Christmas is also over, and Chanukah. Chanukah, actually, comes before Christmas, by the way. Coulson tells him that, and he says it is the holiday when the Jews celebrate being rescued from a horrible oppressor.

When Tony finds this out, it makes him think about Hitler. And Hitler makes him think about... About how he... Probably... You know, he knows for sure that he was flying, all the time his body was in tubs, but does he know for sure _where_? Or what he was doing while he was flying? ...And Loki... Maybe his family... Even though they were already dead when he went to tubs... Because maybe his soul can also time-travel?

And Jarvis says, “Tony, you know I wouldn't let you do anything like that.”

Oh, Jarvis, Jarvis, there are things you can't do.

...But anyhow, Chanukah is over, and it turns out that Aunt Josie has been thinking about him. Tony comes to Ward Fifteen, and there's a package from her waiting. And it has the socks that she promised, and also a bag of chocolate coins, and a little wooden thing called a dreidel. And Tony puts the dreidel in his pocket. Sometimes he'll put his hand in there, and he'll touch it, and it makes him think of Aunt Josie.

It is _very_ good, knowing someone is thinking about you, even if they're not your real family (and you probably killed some of their loved ones). It makes you smile. Sometimes on Ward Fifteen, you need something to smile about very much.

Ward Fifteen isn't a bad ward. It isn't, really. The fellows there are mostly _very_ sick, because that's why they're there, but they're just fellows, just like on any ward. Sometimes they throw things at you, and sometimes they shout, but they mostly just sit and play cards, or they sit and talk, just like any other fellows. But it is a very low ward. And being there means you have _no_ privileges, none at all. And Tony's been at Whittier _how_ long, this time? Two years, isn't it? Or more? 

It's probably been more, because he remembers the calendar. He had a calendar, at the apartment in Danbury, and it said 1937 on it. It said 1937, and then... Well, he remembers turning some pages, but not _all_ of them. And then the War came, it came through the walls... But he still had that same calendar up, and it had a picture of a girl picking apples. And it said, 1937, it said, September, 1937. And now it's 1940, Tony knows that for sure, because he's been keeping track. It's January, 1940, and the calendar at the nurses' station has a picture of a boy and a girl ice-skating.

And he's probably _never_ going to get to leave this time. He's going to stay at Whittier forever, for the rest of his life. (And where would he go if he did get out? Who is there for him? Howard and Maria are gone, they've left ~~, and Tony is all alone~~.) But if he's got to stay, he wishes it didn't have to be on Ward Fifteen.

If you've got to stay in a place like Whittier, it's easier if you're someplace where they at least let you have laces for your shoes. Your shoes don't stay on without any laces. You have to shuffle to keep them on. And sometimes Tony can find Aunt Josie's socks to wear with them, but sometimes people have taken them. One time another fellow took them, and he stuffed them both down one of the toilets in the bathroom, and it overflowed, and the orderlies blamed Tony. He did _not_ have to go to Seclusion for that, because he wasn't pitching a fit, but even Coulson thought he did it, and he said, “Tony, I am disappointed in you.”

It would also help if he could get grounds privileges. On Ward Three, Tony had a grounds pass. He could go outside any time he wanted to. Any time that wasn't mealtime, or after lights out, he could go outside all by himself, or he could take Bruce with him maybe. Here, he's got no grounds pass (and Bruce isn't here anyway, even if he did). Sometimes they take big groups of you outside all at once. And they get your coats, and they put them in a pile, and sometimes you get your coat, and sometimes another fellow takes it and you have to wear somebody else's. They take you outside, and it is very, very cold (and when it's somebody else's coat, there's never any gloves in the pockets), and you just stand there. You just stand, and nobody talks, and after a while it's time to come inside again. That is _not_ going outside, that's worse than being inside.

And you don't get to go to town. Nobody on Ward Fifteen ever goes to town, not even with an orderly watching them. Once a week they will come to you, and if you have store credit, you can order some things. Tony always orders Lucky Strikes, enough for him and Loki, and they will go to town and bring them back to you. But they are always the ones that get to leave, and you have to stay.

Tony has spent more time just sitting in a dayroom since he got to Ward Fifteen, than he ever spent anywhere, in his whole life before. There is _nothing else_ to do here, nothing except just to sit in the dayroom. The fellows who play cards don't understand the rules very well, and so he doesn't play with them. And there are no magazines at the nurse's station, because the fellows here pitch fits and tear them up. And Tony asks for books from the library, but they keep forgetting to bring them to him. And so all he does, it seems, is just to sit in the dayroom. And he sits here, and he talks to Loki. He does when Loki will let him talk to him, anyway.

When Loki is in a good mood, he can be very interesting. And he talks about art, and music, and sometimes books, just like he always did. And Tony will sit with him, and he will share his cigarettes, and it is like it used to be, Loki will smoke them right down to the butts, and you have to watch so he won't burn his fingers.

And he'll talk about things, music maybe. And it's very cold outside, usually snowing. And it's not much warmer inside. Tony wishes he had his sweater, that he used to wear in Danbury. He doesn't know what happened to that sweater. He wishes he had his coat, or at least a long-sleeved shirt. But he doesn't have any of those things, and Loki sits very far away from the radiator. 

Loki talks. “Opera,” he'll say maybe. And, “You've heard about Beethoven, Tony?”

And Tony has heard of Beethoven, and he'll say, “Oh yes,” even though he is not one for classical music, and give him a good dance band any old day.

And then Loki says something. Maybe he says, “Most people do not know that Beethoven wrote opera, they only know his symphonies, but his opera _Fidelio_ is very beautiful, and I saw it when the opera house opened in Berlin.”

Berlin is in Germany, where Hitler is. Apparently, it's not just Loki's family that used to live there, but Loki too (and Tony is very, _very_ glad that what happened in Germany, that he maybe caused, did not happen to Loki also).

But Tony does _not_ talk about that. He doesn't want to make Loki angry and delusional again. Tony says, “Well I know opera. I went to Bayreuth one time, and I saw the Ring Cycle.”

And Loki says, “Oh, _Wagner_.” He holds out his hand for another cigarette, and he says, “ _Wagner_ is so middlebrow. Although I saw Flagstad in _Die Walkure_ at the Met,” he says, “and she was quite good.”

And Tony says, “I went to the Met one time.” But he does not say that he went to see _The Merry Widow,_ because _The Merry Widow_ is probably quite middlebrow.

Then Loki says, “Culture is very important.”

And Tony says, “Yes it is.” 

And at least he has Loki, even here on Ward Fifteen, and Loki very good for culture. He is as good as getting the rest of his college education, that Tony missed... ~~When the War got into his head.~~ ...That he missed, when he had to leave. But Tony is _not_ going to stay here forever. He is going to leave. He'll keep his nose clean, and he'll follow all the rules, and they will have to let him leave someday. And he will probably go to Arizona when that happens, because the weather there is awfully nice this time of year. Or maybe he will just go back to Ward Three. That place wasn't so bad, at least he knew people there, and they let him go to the store on Saturdays.


	9. Loki's Psychoanalysis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well Tony knows why Loki is still on Ward Fifteen, but he is not quite sure why he hasn't been transferred yet. Perhaps it's for public safety reasons?

Some more time passes, and after a while the calendar in the nurses' station says February (and it has a picture of a little Dutch boy, kissing a little Dutch girl on it). And Tony and Loki are _still_ on Ward Fifteen, but whenever Tony wants to talk about it, all Loki says is, “All parts of this accursed realm are the same, to an Asgardian like me.” Loki had better be careful. If he keeps being delusional like that, he's going to end up spending the rest of his life on Ward Fifteen.

And there keep on being Doctors' Hearings, but they are always for someone else. And Tony asks Coulson about it. He says, “I'm keeping my nose clean. Why haven't I been transferred yet?”

And Coulson says, “Well, we're just being careful.”

(And Jarvis says, “Careful about what? There were three fellows transferred already this month, and they were all sicker than you,” but Tony does _not_ answer him, not while anyone is watching. The people here don't think Jarvis is real, and they count that stuff against you.)

Then one good thing happens, anyway. And Tony is not sure what day of the week it happens on, because frankly all the days are pretty much the same on Ward Fifteen, but it's February 10th. It happens on February 10th. Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo come to visit Loki. And he doesn't want to see them. And Coulson seems to have forgotten that he never wants to see them, because he asks him anyway. He says, “Loki, here's your _family_ , don't you want to talk to them?”

And Loki says, “Get those pathetic mortals away! They are nothing to me.”

And you know, one thing about Ward Fifteen, is there is really noplace you can go when someone pitches a fit, because you can't go outside (and frankly, wherever you go on the ward, there is usually someone pitching a fit there too). And so Tony stays where he is. And Jarvis is talking, and he's trying to listen to him, and not to Loki ~~(or the War)~~ , but it's difficult, and he probably misses some of what Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo are saying.

Uncle Theo says something. “Something-something, and _how_ long has he been here?” he says. Also, something about, “...More than six months,” something's been happening for more than six months.

And Loki is being _very_ loud. And thump-thump-thump, that's the sound of the orderlies' feet, as they run to get him. And Jarvis is waiting for Tony, but you can't always get up into the sky whenever you want to, sometimes you have to stay on the ground.

And then there's a hand on Tony's arm ~~(Hun's hand)~~. And there's someone right behind him ~~(the Hun, the enemy)~~ , and he turns, and he's going to hit them. But then it's Aunt Josie, and she says, “It's good to see you again. Tony, how do you like the socks?”

This is actually when Tony remembers that he has _not_ written Aunt Josie a thank-you note yet, which is horrible manners. One should always acknowledge one's gifts promptly. And he says, “I'm sorry I didn't write you a thank-you note, Aunt Josie, it is somewhat difficult to get stamps here.”

And Aunt Josie says, “Oh, that's all right, Tony,” and she smiles. And he tells her that the socks have been most appreciated, although sometimes another patient has taken them and it takes a while to find them again. And then she says she'll make him another pair.

And all the time behind them, Tony can hear Uncle Theo, talking to Coulson. And he is saying, “...Treatment,” and, “Something-something... Can I talk to his doctor?”

And Coulson is saying something about, “...Been gone,” and, “Whittier is a very good hospital,” which is what they always say. They always say, “Oh, Whittier is the _best_ mental hospital in the state,” and no one ever seems to understand that you don't want to be in any mental hospital, not even the best one in the state. And then Coulson says, “Nurse Hill is free. She can talk to you about Loki's treatment.”

And then he and Uncle Theo leave the dayroom, and after a while Aunt Josie leaves too. But before she goes, she says she is definitely going to make Tony another pair of socks, and this time when she sends them, she will send stamps as well, in case he wants to write her a letter. And she also says, “Well, here is some fudge. Since my nephew doesn't seem to want it, would you like it, Tony?”

And Tony does, because fudge is something you get even less than cake, here at Whittier. And there is quite a lot of fudge, much more than he can eat himself. And he knows Loki won't want any, so he shares it with another fellow on the ward named Parker, who is reasonably good company, when he isn't talking about spiders.

After that some more time goes by. A day goes by, maybe two days. And Loki comes back out of Seclusion (which is good, because that fellow Parker was talking nothing but spiders-spiders-spiders, and it was frankly getting a little tiresome). And Loki doesn't want any of the fudge, of course, but at least he is not being too angry, or too delusional, so that's someone else besides Parker that Tony can talk to.

And after that it seems that Loki spends more and more time off the ward. And Coulson will come in, and he'll say, “Loki, it's time for psychoanalysis.” And then Loki is always gone for quite a long time, and Tony had better hope that Parker is not being too delusional to talk to while he's gone.

And then one day something interesting happens. And this is how it happens: Tony is sitting with Loki in his usual spot, right under the window with the crack in it, that always lets in the cold air from outside. And then Loki says, “Tony, what do you know about psychoanalysis?”

This is probably the first time Loki has ever asked Tony about something, and it's quite nice that it should be something he knows about. Tony read an interview with Dr. Sigmund Freud once, in _Colliers_. That was probably in 1923 or '24, when he had the apartment in New York. And he had some magazine subscriptions. He had _Colliers_ , and _The Saturday Evening Post_ , and _The Literary Digest_. Magazines can be quite useful for keeping up with the world. There was an interview with Dr. Freud, and he talked about psychoanalysis, and so Tony knows quite a lot about it. And he tells Loki, “Psychoanalysis means curing insane people by talking about what happened in the past. Dr. Freud invented it, when he was living in...” And then he stops himself because he was about to say, “Germany,” which would have been rather insensitive, considering.

Loki doesn't seem to notice, however. Instead, he says, “Insane? Are the people here under the illusion that I am insane?”

And Tony says, “Well most people in mental hospitals are insane, Loki.”

And this time Loki does notice, and he gets quite angry (but not angry enough to pitch a fit). “I suppose you think you're not insane?” he says.

Tony does not dignify this with an answer, because in his case the truth is obvious. All you have to do is follow the news, to know that it is a public safety measure to keep him here, because of what's happening in Europe. So instead, he says, “Well if they are giving you psychoanalysis, that means you're curable. They only give it to fellows who are curable.”

And Loki says, “Did _you_ ever have psychoanalysis, Tony?”

And Tony did. And it was a long long time ago, right after he was fired from the job at Woolworth's, where he worked the night shift ~~(and he used to hear the Huns preparing to attack in the morning; a fellow can get a little crazy, listening to that, night after night)~~. And the doctor used to ask Tony all sorts of disgusting questions, all about how Nurse fed him when him was a baby, and whether she caned him when he soiled his drawers.

And Loki says, “This doctor makes no sense. He keeps asking about my past, but not my past in Asgard, my past when I lived in Berlin.”

And Tony says, “Did your nurse cane you when you soiled your drawers?”

And Loki says, “Fritzi used a slipper.” And then he says, “I _will_ get out of here, Tony. I am _not_ going to stay in Whittier Hospital for the rest of my life.”

And Tony says, “You have a family that loves you. You could stay with them.”

And Loki snorts, and he says, “Huh, those mortals.” But he doesn't start talking right away about Allfather-Odin and Thor. He just sits there, and he stares at the wall across the room, and Tony hears him sigh. And then he says, “My home is so very, very far away, Tony, and I can never go back there again.” And Tony doesn't know if he means his home in Asgard, or the one in Berlin, and he doesn't want to ask, there are just too many ways for a conversation like that to go wrong.

So he stares at the wall too. He just stares at the wall, and after a while he starts thinking about Howard and Maria, who are in California now, and he couldn't even go to them when they were in New York (because Howard didn't want his messes anyplace around), and now they are further away than that. And he thinks about having his own apartment again, just his own place, with a door and he'd have the key to it, and maybe he would subscribe to some more magazines. It could be very good ~~(frightening)~~. It could be peaceful ~~(lonely, very very lonely. Jarvis is _not_ very much company, and he doesn't keep you safe when the War comes in)~~. And then Tony sighs. And he says, “Well of course I can't leave here. The President has intervened personally, to make sure I'm kept here. It's for everyone's safety, really.”

And Loki says, “You're delusional, Tony,” but what does he know? That's just his ignorance talking. And so they sit there for a while, and they are both quiet. And the noises are other the fellows on the ward, talking to themselves, or off somewhere pitching a fit maybe. And after a while it's suppertime (and supper is stew, because you don't need a knife to cut that), and then after that it's time for medications and _Little Orphan Annie_. And maybe tomorrow there will be another Doctor's Hearing, and maybe this time it will be for Tony (and possibly even for Loki too), and they can get off this ward where everyone is so crazy. It's going to happen sometime. It has to, if he just keeps his nose clean.


	10. Tony's Transfer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ward Seven is still one of the lower wards, but it is still an awful lot better than Fifteen. ...And it is not until much, much later, that Tony realizes he misses Loki.

Well it is very _cold_ on Ward Fifteen, especially if you sit where Loki always likes to sit, under the window with the crack in it. They use glass with wire in it here, so when it breaks, it doesn't break all the way, just some little pieces fall out and the rest of the window is still there. That's probably why they haven't bothered to fix this one yet, and the wind blows through it, and it's always a very cold wind. And Tony sits there even when Loki's off-ward doing his psychoanalysis, and when Loki's not there, Parker usually sits there with him.

And Tony always offers him a cigarette. Parker's brand is Chesterfield, but he runs out sometimes, and Tony usually doesn't, because he's gotten in the habit of always getting enough to share. So maybe Parker will take one, and maybe he won't, but he'll always go get Coulson, so they can both get a light. And then he'll sit down, and usually he talks about spiders.

And he'll say, “You know, it is only the larger species of spiders that are even capable of biting a human being. It's their chelicera they bite with, and most species don't have chelicera long enough to penetrate human skin.” Parker is like this: He talks about things you've never heard of, and he always uses a lot of long words. Sometimes you have to really work, to have a conversation. 

So Tony will say something like, “Well spiders can be quite interesting, and they make beautiful webs.” And he'll say, “Governess used to show me the webs. She'd take me outside right after breakfast, before the dew had dried, so I could see them.”

And Parker will say, “Those were orb-weaver spiders. They're the ones that make that kind of web.” And maybe he wants to tell you the names of all the orb-weaver spiders that live in the United States, but maybe you can get him to be more interesting. There are some quite interesting spiders in the world, such as fishing spiders, and trap-door spiders, and the spiders in South America, that are so large they catch birds for their prey, and sometimes Parker will tell stories about them.

Parker is not always interesting, but at least he is somebody to talk to when Loki is not around. Then at the end of February, Parker gets transferred. And that's when Tony really starts to wonder if there's any reason to keep his nose clean at all. And he starts to think that if he pitched a fit, at least that would be more interesting than just sitting around every day and doing nothing.

And Jarvis says, “Tony, be careful about that kind of thinking, you won't hurt anybody but yourself.” And Tony says, “Jarvis, does that even matter?” And he doesn't care who sees him talking to him, because if they're never going to transfer him anyway, what's the point of _not_ talking to Jarvis?

But if you wait long enough, something good is always going to happen. And after a while February is over, and the calendar at the nurse's station says, “March” (and it has a picture of an Irish girl, dancing a jig, on it). And on March 1st, that's the day when Tony finally gets transferred.

And he says, “Hopefully it will be a pretty high ward, because I certainly have been waiting long enough.”

And Coulson says, “Well I know you've been trying hard, Tony, and who knows why doctors make the decisions they do.” And he gives Tony a pair of laces for his shoes, before they even leave Fifteen, and he says, “You won't give these to any of the other fellows, will you?” And he laughs. But Tony doesn't laugh, he is putting the laces in, so finally his shoes will stay on when he walks again.

And Tony's new ward is Seven. It's not one of the highest wards at Whittier, but after Fifteen, anything is an improvement. And here's a good thing about Seven: Tony gets there, and he finds out that's the ward Parker is on now, and besides Parker, Bruce is also on Seven.

Bruce has been having troubles with his Other Guy again, and apparently he has been all over, even on some wards that are lower than Fifteen. And he says, “I was in tubs. I think that was sometime in January. When my Other Guy decides to pitch a fit, it certainly is a doozy.”

And Tony says, “I was in tubs too, and I'm pretty sure that was in November.”

And Parker is there talking with them, and Bruce says, “How about you, Parker? Were you ever in tubs?”

And Parker says yes. He says, “My doctor is teaching me about anger-management, but it's difficult. People are not very reasonable, not like spiders.”

Tony's been on Seven before, and it is a good ward. It's very close to the library, for one thing, and once a fellow's got any kind of privileges at all, he can go there by himself, any time he wants, and get a book to read. There's also a town-trip once a week. They always send an awful lot of orderlies along to watch you, which is something of a nuisance, but after having spent months and months on Fifteen, and not getting to go off-ward at all, Tony is not in a mood to be picky.

They also have a newspaper on Seven. They get the _Cambridge Chronicle_ every day, and they keep it at the nurse's station, and if you want to read the headlines, or maybe look at the funny papers, you can go get it. And Parker says he is in charge of the newspaper. He says it's his job to make sure the fellows on Seven are careful, and he always watches to make sure they put it back neatly. They would anyway, Tony knows, because everyone always did when he was here before, but that's one of the things you don't say to Parker, because it would be insensitive (and maybe he would pitch a fit). You also have to be polite, when he talks about being a newspaperman when he gets out of Whittier, and you don't say that he'll have to write about something besides spiders, because newspapers don't usually have a lot of stories about spiders in them.

So, at first, most days on Seven, Tony either talks with Bruce, or he talks with Parker. Or sometimes all three of them talk together, which can be quite confusing, because Bruce always wants to talk about radios, and Parker always wants to talk about spiders. And then some time goes by. And there is a movie night, and Tony goes (and it's _Destry Rides Again_ , and a Porky Pig cartoon). And then a week later is Easter, and they have services at the chapel, and Tony goes to the Protestant service. 

And the main orderly on Seven is a fellow named Fury. And Fury is a colored fellow, very organized, and very good keeping an eye on what's happening on the ward. – Howard is a Republican, and he always says segregation is probably a good thing, because Negroes are childish, and need to be told what to do, but when Tony sees someone like Fury, sometimes he wonders. Fury does not seem to need anyone to tell him what to do, in fact he is quite good at telling other people what to do himself, and maybe if it weren't for segregation, he would be a nurse, or possibly even a psychiatrist. This is one of many things Tony does not agree with Howard about, and probably when he gets out of Whittier and can vote again, he won't be a Republican. He'll be a Democrat, or maybe a Socialist, and perhaps he will vote for F.D.R. – 

Fury is the main orderly on Seven, he's the one who seems to tell all the others what to do. And he also tells the patients what to do, and he is only a little bossy sometimes. And then one day, he comes over, and he talks to Tony. And he says, “We need some fellows to tidy the psychiatrists' offices, and I think you'd be a good fellow for that.”

And Parker and Bruce are there, and Fury says he wants them for the job too. It's called Occupational Therapy when they give you jobs like this, and it is always the most trustworthy patients on the ward that are chosen. Fury says, “You fellows have been doing a pretty good job of keeping your noses clean.” And Tony says, “You can trust me, sir,” and Bruce and Parker say the same thing.

Well, the psychiatrists' offices are downstairs, and Tony and the others go there three times a week. They go down right after breakfast, and usually it's just one orderly that goes with them. And their job is to empty the wastebaskets, and run the carpet sweeper in the offices, and clean the bathrooms at the end of the hall, that the psychiatrists use. And it's not very much work, but sometimes they have to wait, because the offices are being used, so it usually takes all morning. And afterwards, they go to lunch with the fellows from Ward One, which means breakable plates, and you get a knife to cut your meat, and you can pour your own coffee, and have as you want.

And one day Tony and the others are working. They've already cleaned the bathrooms, and Bruce is emptying the wastebaskets, and Parker is running a carpet sweeper in one of the offices, and Tony is running the other one, in the waiting room. And one of the office doors is half-open, and Tony can hear voices coming from in there.

And he hears the doctor saying, “...Parents? ...Something-something,” he says, and then, “...Your parents?”

Then Tony hears Loki's voice. And he can hear Loki talking to the doctor, and he says, “Asgard... Something-something Asgard,” which makes Tony feel a little sad, because apparently Loki is still being delusional.

But then the doctor says, “No, not them. Levinsons,” he says, something about, “The Levinsons,” and, “Your real parents.”

And Loki says, “...Mere mortals.” He says, “...Helpless,” and, “I would not brag about being descended from such.”

And then the doctor says, “Loki, we can't choose our parents.” And then Tony hears something that sounds very much like Loki is crying. 

And you know, it's funny, because Tony hasn't even thought about Loki lately, probably because so many other things have been happening. But now that he is thinking about him, he wonders if he's still on Fifteen. And he wishes Loki would get transferred to Seven (even though he might not get along very well with Parker, because Parker can be _rather difficult_ ). Loki needs someone around who cares about him, and not just a lot of doctors asking questions, and making him unhappy.


	11. Another Transfer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April 15th, and Tony gets some good news and some bad news.

Well, April is springtime, and it's getting so you can really see it, now. For instance, Tony will go into the dayroom. and Parker will always call him over to his spot, which is two wicker chairs with a table in between, where he puts his newspapers (Parker will always make Tony sit in one of the chairs, and he gets the other one, and if Bruce wants to join them, he has to go get another chair). There's a window right behind Parker's chair, and there's a tree branch outside that window, and when Tony got to Seven, it was brown and dry. Now it has leaves on it. 

And the sky used to be grey, but now it's blue, and the clouds are little, and white, and fluffy. And whenever Tony looks at that sky, he thinks about flying high up there. And he checks with Jarvis, and Jarvis wants it just as bad as he does. And Jarvis says, “Yes, Tony, I would go up there so fast. If we could get away from Whittier,” Jarvis says, “I would take you up there, and we'd play hide-and-seek among the friendly clouds, and look down on a world that's not at war, for once.”

That's how Jarvis always talks, and then Parker will get mad. He'll shove Tony, and he'll say, “Pay attention, I was talking about the _news_.”

Parker always talks about the news. He is very interested in the news right now, and at least it's more interesting than spiders. And he's found a newsstand in town, that sells papers from all over, and Fury will let him buy one sometimes, when they're in town. “If you've been behaving yourself,” Fury always says. And then, when they're on Seven, if Parker even _looks_ like he's going to pitch a fit, Fury will say, “You watch yourself, Peter. You want to get your paper.”

Parker always reads his papers very carefully, and he always wants to talk about them with Tony afterward. And he'll say, “Tony, I see where the Russians have broken through Mannerheim Line.”

And the sunshine will be shining in the window. And it's making Tony's head warm, and he can see the shadows of the leaves on the tree outside, and they're dancing on the page of the newspaper. And Jarvis is saying, “If we could just leave here.” He's saying, “You've been keeping your nose clean. How much longer do you think, before we get released?”

And Tony will tell him, “You better not count on a release, Jarvis. Howard wants us here. Remember what happened in Europe?”

And Jarvis will say, “ _Nothing_ happened in Europe, Tony. That was a dream, remember?” And, “I would never let you do anything like that.”

Jarvis always talks like he's the one in control, but... Here's a question for you: Who is in control? It's certainly not Tony, because there are locked doors between him and freedom, and talking to Jarvis always makes Tony think about those locked doors, and what he can and cannot do. And then Jarvis says, “The papers say it's just a Phoney War anyhow. Nothing's happening in Europe, so there's no need to keep you here now.”

And Tony says, “Wars don't end this easily. You can bet Hitler's planning something.”

And then _Parker_ says, “Yes. The latest I heard, is he's planning to invade Norway.” And he looks at Tony, and says, “I'm glad to see you're paying attention.”

It's quite rude to tell someone you're not paying attention, even if you aren't, so Tony stays quiet. And he picks up another piece of the newspaper. He picks up the Sports section, and there are pictures of baseball players in there. And he reads, “Spring Training, Fort Myers Fla.,” and something about, “Number 9, Ted Williams.” It's sunny in Fort Myers, Fla. too, and Ted Williams has to squint a little, because of the sun, and he walks over to Home Plate, because Ted Williams is a hitter, he has to practice his batting. Tony used to play a little baseball, back when he was Andover. He was an outfielder, like Ted Williams, but he never was so good with the bat. That was an awfully long time ago, and probably he couldn't even catch a ball any more, but it would be nice to try. It would be nice to be outside, maybe at Fort Myers, Fla., with the sun on your back, and nothing to do all day except practice baseball. And then afterwards, you could go where you wanted to go, and there wouldn't be anybody telling you where you had to be, and then locking you up after you got there.

...So this is April on Ward Seven. And the sunshine comes through the windows, and sometimes you can see trees outside, and they have leaves on them. And sometimes you get to go outside, but it's always the whole ward, and the orderlies don't want to walk around. They say, “Stay here in the courtyard. You stay here, Tony, so we can keep an eye on you.” There's a path right past the gate, and it takes you to the flower garden. Last year, there were chrysanthemums there. They were orange, and gold, and almost brown-color, and their leaves smelled spicy when you rubbed them between your fingers. But when Tony tries to go over there to see the flowers, the orderlies all act like he just pitched a fit.

And Fury says, “You have to be patient.” He always says, “You have to be patient, Tony, you'll get that transfer you want.”

And then one day, it happens. It finally happens, and Tony gets transferred, and to a decent ward for a change. He gets transferred to Three, which is quite a high ward. You can get grounds-privileges there, and some fellows even get a weekend pass (but Tony won't, because Howard and Maria are in California ~~, and they don't want him any more anyway~~ ).

It's April 15th when he gets transferred... – And the doctors ask him, they say, “Can you tell us what day it is, Tony?” And he says, “It's April 15th,” and they look at each other, and they nod, and say, “Hmm, he's showing a good orientation with reality.” Showing a good orientation with reality is always important, if you want a transfer. – And April 15th is another very nice, warm day, and Tony gets transferred, and Fury walks him across the courtyard to Three after the Hearing. And then Fury says, “Listen, Tony, why don't we walk over to that garden you like so much?” 

...He says, “I have a some extra time, why don't we walk over to the garden?” And Tony says yes, and so they go. And there aren't any chrysanthemums, but there are other flowers, some little, purple kinds of flowers. And it is awfully nice, just to be out there, just to be alone for once, without a lot of other fellows around. 

Then Tony asks a question. He asks Fury, “When do you think I'll get released?”

And Fury says, “Oh, soon, Tony.” He says, “Soon, Howard will come get you, and you can go home.”

Fury is _not_ being delusional. He does _not_ really believe what he's saying. But this is not the first time when the people at Whittier have looked Tony in the face and lied to him, even about really obvious things. Howard is never going to come get him, because Howard doesn't want him. Howard stopped wanting Tony a long time ago, after he found out how many messes he was going to make. And somehow he has made Maria not want him any more either, even though she's his... ~~His _mother_... Mama, why? And she used to look so beautiful, and she smelled like Quelques Fleurs, and her kisses left a red smear on his cheek, when she came in and kissed him good-night.~~

...Howard doesn't want him. And maybe it's for the best. After all, whatever Jarvis says, nobody knows for sure _what_ happened in Europe. That might have been Tony ~~(probably was, Howard says it was)~~ , so really, it's a public safety measure to keep him here.

Anyhow, there is _nothing wrong_ with staying here at Whittier, nothing at all. There are some good fellows here, and some of the rest of them aren't bad. And the staff has your best interests at heart. And the food is fine, and there is quite a good library, and if you're on a good ward, you can go to town once a week, or maybe get a grounds-pass. ~~Tony is never going to have an apartment. He's never going to be able to go where he wants, when he wants, and then come home and close the door and lock everyone else out. He is never going to have a job, and get a paycheck, and spend it on whatever he wants to. And Jarvis...~~ Jarvis is _so_ close-by, like he thinks Tony might be upset, and need to go up in the sky for a little bit. But what is there to be upset about, really, when this is all for the best?

And besides, here he is now, on Three, and Three is _quite a high ward_. A lot of fellows would be _glad_ to be on Three.


	12. Ward Three, Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, Tony is back on Ward Three, and there are some people he knows there: Loki is there, but he is acting _rather_ crazy. Fortunately, Clint is there as well.

Well, Tony goes over to Three, and there's Rhodey, just like he used to be. And he says, “Tony, long time no see.” He says, “How you been keeping yourself,” but Tony has _not_ been keeping himself, Whittier has been keeping him, so he doesn't answer that one. Then Rhodey shows him his bed, which is right next to Clint's, in the dormitory. And Tony looks at his bed, but there's not much he can do about it. He doesn't have any things to put away, because the hospital keeps those for him, and he already has his shoelaces, and his belt. So he puts his book down on the pillow, and then he goes into the dayroom.

And Tony goes into the dayroom, and he sees Clint, and he's got his old place at the table, and he's playing Hearts with some fellows Tony doesn't know. He looks over at Tony, and he waves at him, and he says, “Hiya! Want me to deal you in on the next hand?”

And Loki's in there too, and it's good to see Loki, because it's been a long time since Tony's been on the same ward with him. The closest he's come is to hear him talking to his psychiatrist downstairs, and then he always leaves before Tony's done cleaning. And Tony's been wondering if the psychoanalysis is doing him any good, because he always seems very upset when he's talking to his psychiatrist. It has to have been though, doesn't it? Because at least he's here on Three now, and not on one of the low wards. 

Loki's in his old place too. He's sitting over in the corner just like he always did, with his knees up, and his arms wrapped around them, and he's not looking at anyone. And Tony goes over there. And he hears Clint behind him, and Clint says, “You better watch him, Tony. _Your friend_ has been acting pretty crazy lately,” he says, but Tony goes over there anyway. And he holds out his pack of Lucky Strikes just like he always did, and he says, “You want a cigarette, Loki?”

And Loki looks up at him, and he frowns, which is also not so different from how he always was. But then he says, “Why do you do that? Why do you always give away all your cigarettes? You know you're going to run out, and you won't be able to get more until Saturday.”

And this is a question Tony has never been asked before, and it is a very strange question. Because Tony has _quite a lot_ of cigarettes right now, he has almost a full pack. And he always shares his cigarettes with Loki, and Loki smokes them down to the butt, and you have to watch to make sure he doesn't burn his fingers, and they talk. And Tony says, “Well, I want a cigarette. Don't you want one?”

And Loki makes a very irritated noise, and he says, “That's not the point.” He says, “Is that all the cigarettes you have left? You do remember, store-day's not until Saturday? Tony, do you even know what day it is?”

And Tony _knows_ what day it is. Didn't he just finish telling the doctors at the Hearing? It's Monday, April 15th, and they looked at each other, and they said, “Yes, he's showing a good orientation with reality,” and that's how he got his transfer. Loki isn't making much sense right now, and what's more, he seems to be getting somewhat upset.

And Jarvis says, “Clint's right. Loki is acting crazy, are you sure you want to talk to him?”

And Tony says, “Loki's my friend, of course I want to talk to him.” And he says, “We'll talk about art, or maybe music, Loki is very interesting.”

But when he looks back at Loki, there is a _very_ strange look on his face. ~~(Howard look.)~~ And Loki stares at Tony. ~~His eyes say, “Tony, what is wrong with you? Tony, the Armistice was _three years ago_ , the war is over. Tony, start living in the real world, I am tired of cleaning up your messes.”~~ Loki's eyes are Howard-eyes, and he frowns, and he says, “I don't want to talk to you, Tony. Go away, go talk to someone else.”

Loki is still the most interesting person at Whittier, even when he is acting crazy. ~~(Even when his eyes are Howard-eyes, and they say, “Tony, stop living in a dream world, Tony, stop being delusional.”)~~ And then Jarvis says, “Maybe Loki doesn't want to be your friend any more, Tony.”

And Tony says, “Loki is still my friend, he's just acting crazy right now. Everyone acts crazy sometimes.” But Loki is acting crazy right now, and Tony is not going to stay there and be looked at (with Howard-eyes), he has better things to do, now he is finally back on Three. And he goes over to Clint, and he says, “Can I join the game?”

And Clint says, “Got any cigarettes?” just like he always does, and Tony puts his pack on the table. And Clint says, “These are my friends.” And his friends are Ben, and Logan, and Remy, and apparently they are the fellows he plays cards with now. They say they are quite good at cards, but they still seem to be losing all their cigarettes to Clint. And Clint deals Tony in on the next hand, and pretty soon he has lost all his cigarettes too, but that's okay, because Clint spots him some.

And Clint's friends are all right. They are somewhat boring, but if you are playing cards, that doesn't really matter. And Clint is all right. Sleeping next to him is all right, because at least when he is not playing cards, he will talk sometimes, and he can be pretty interesting.

And Clint talks about the liquor business. He says, “Pa's the biggest bootlegger on Lawn Guyland.”

And Tony says, “Clint there is no more Prohibition.” Tony knows this from when he was on Seven, and he'd see the liquor ads in the papers. And they'd say, “Ballantine Beer, get a six-pack,” or they'd say, “Serve Canadian Club to your discriminating guests.”

And Clint says, “That so?” He says, “Well Pa had a little saloon, back before Prohibition. That's really the way to go, Tony, not all this violence, and mobsters shooting at you.” And he says, “Me, when I get out, that's what I'm gonna do. Gonna get me a little saloon, gonna serve a free lunch, and get my beer from Pabst, or maybe Schlitz. What you gonna do, Tony?”

And Tony doesn't say anything, because Tony is _never_ going to get out. Howard doesn't want him, nobody wants him (and probably it's better for him to be here anyhow, for public safety reasons). Tony is probably going to be in Whittier for the rest of his life. And Jarvis says, “Clint's not going to get out either, he's just being delusional, Tony.”

Jarvis says, “Clint's been here as long as you have, Tony. If he were going to get out, he'd be out by now. It just helps him to be delusional about it, it's a coping mechanism.” Coping mechanism means it's something you pretend, that makes you feel better. Tony's psychiatrist used to say Jarvis was a coping mechanism (that was back when he was getting psychoanalysis, and they still told him he could leave Whittier someday), and that's how Tony learned you get transferred faster, if you don't let people see you talking to him.

But it's just him and Clint right now, and Clint is being delusional anyway, so it doesn't matter. So Tony talks to Jarvis, and he says, “You're probably right.” And he closes his eyes, and he thinks about Clint's saloon. And it will be on a crowded street, and he'll serve the beer in glass mugs, and all the fellows inside will be lifting their mugs, they'll all be smiling.

And Clint says, “You come by any time, I'll give you one, Tony. On the house,” he says. “My friend Tony's money won't be any good, at my place.”

And Tony thinks about Clint's place ~~(that will never be real)~~. He thinks about a sunny afternoon, and you go in, and you get a nice, cold beer. And then maybe you eat some sardines, or some peanuts, and that makes you thirsty, and you can have another one. It is not as good as talking about art or music, with Loki, but it's not bad, it's kind of interesting. And it makes him sleepy enough so the formaldehyde starts working, and after a while he falls asleep.

And it is April, 1940, and this is life on Three. And it's not bad, if you're careful who you talk to (and if you know not to expect too much). And Tony is going to keep his nose clean, he's going to get a grounds-pass, so he can go outside anytime he wants. And pretty soon it will be Saturday, and he'll be able to buy more cigarettes, when they go to town, which is a good thing, because he is completely out.


	13. Tuesday Morning, on Ward Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I edited the last bit to make Loki a little more approachable (because the author realized I can't show what's happening with one of my characters, unless he talks some with the other one). This is what comes next:
> 
> Happy says Loki is having trouble adjusting to reality, but there are _quite a lot_ of people who have reality to adjust to, at Whittier, and it does not make all of them so judgmental.

Well, the next day is Tuesday (April 16th), and on Tuesdays, Tony does not go to OT, he spends the whole day in the dayroom with the other fellows. And after breakfast, he goes over to the corner where Loki is. Tony can't give him a cigarette today, because he doesn't have any, so he just says, “Hello.” He says, “Hello, Loki, would you like to talk today?”

And Loki looks up at him. He is frowning, but his eyes are not mean, they are not Howard-eyes. And he says, “I suppose you don't have any cigarettes left?” And he reaches into his pocket, and he pulls out a pack of Chesterfields, and he says, “Here, you may have one of mine.”

Chesterfield is not Tony's brand, but these will do in a pinch, they're better than nothing. And Tony takes one, and he goes and gets Happy to give them a light, and then he sits down, and he says, “Thank you, Loki.” And Tony says, “Maybe you want to talk today? We could talk about music, or maybe art. I read an article about Salvador Dali when I was on Seven, and it was quite interesting.”

And Loki smokes his cigarette, and he stares at the wall, and he doesn't say anything.

Then Tony says, “We could talk about music instead.” He says, “I also read a very interesting article about Leopold Stokowski. It said he is making a movie with Disney, and there is quite a lot of music in it.”

And Loki still doesn't answer, but he gives a little snort, and after a while he says, “Tony, you are always so middle-brow.”

Middle-brow is something you do _not_ want to be. Tony remembers this from when he used to talk to Loki before. And if Tony had known he was going to have to be the one who thought of things to talk about, he would certainly have paid a lot more attention to the Arts and Culture section in the newspaper. And he just sits for a little while, and he smokes, and after he finishes his first cigarette, Loki gives him another one.

And after a while, Loki says, “You know I don't really want to talk. Why don't you go do something else, Tony?”

And Tony could go play cards with Clint and the other fellows, because Clint would certainly spot him some cigarettes for stakes. Or he could go read the book he got the last time he was at the library, which is _Of Mice and Men_ , and he is only 40 pages into it so far. But Loki is his friend, and he would really rather talk to him, and so he says, “You're interesting, Loki.”

And Loki says, “I don't feel very interesting.” Then he says, “You talk to me, Tony, if you want to talk so much.”

And Tony says, “Well, I could talk about airplanes, but perhaps you would find that boring.”

And Loki looks at him, he looks at him and he frowns, and he says, “Go away then. Go play cards, see if I care.”

Tony does _not_ want to play cards. He already played cards, all Monday afternoon, and it was not bad, but it was not very interesting. Talking with Loki is better, and so he talks about airplanes. And he says, “The Curtiss JN-4 is quite a good plane. That's what Jarvis is,” he says. “Not his soul, but his body.”

And Loki looks at Tony, he looks at him with Howard-eyes. And Jarvis says, “He's judging you, Tony, he thinks you're crazy. Do you want to talk to someone who thinks you're crazy?” But if you don't talk to people who think you're crazy around here, there really isn't anyone left to talk to, and besides, Tony is pretty well fed up with playing Hearts.

And so he says, “The JN-4 is very maneuverable, and we used to go up, and we'd do tricks. We'd do loops, and barrel rolls, and the C.O. said it was all right, he said we needed to learn to out-maneuver the Hun.” And they trained at McCook Airfield, which is in Dayton Ohio. And it was very hot in Dayton, it was so hot you couldn't think. And Jarvis used to say, if he saw another mosquito he thought he'd go nuts, and he'd say, “Are you all right, Tony, are you all right?” Tony does _not_ tell Loki about this though, because Loki already thinks he's crazy, and instead, he says, “The Engineering Division is located at McCook. That's why they sent me there, because that was my major at M.I.T., and they thought...”

They thought he had a future with the Air Corps. That's what Howard said, he said, “Flying is a young man's game, Tony. With your brains, and your flying skills, you can go a long way.” But Tony didn't go a long way. He almost didn't go to France, because the President was already giving him so many messages by then. He'd say, “Go down, Tony,” he kept saying, “Go down, it is better for one good man to die.” And Tony remembers being in France. They were near Picardy, and the C.O. kept talking about Pershing, and he'd say, “General Pershing's orders,” and, “Something-something, meeting them at Amiens,” they were meeting someone at Amiens. But it was hard to make out, because the President would get to talking, and then Jarvis would talk too. And he's not sure what happened after that. He was up in the sky, and the President was saying, “GODOWNGODOWNGODOWN,” and then something happened. And his head hurt, and his arm hurt, and one of his legs. And there was quite a lot of blood, and it was all around Jarvis, because he was on the ground, with his front end smashed in.

And Tony said, “I'm just glad you survived, Jarvis.” It was a long, _long_ time later that he said that, and they were in a hospital then (not Whittier, but another hospital). And Jarvis said, “It's you I was worried about. You really had me scared there for a while, Tony.” Jarvis is a good friend.

And Loki's saying something, he's saying something about “The new models.” And he says, “Something-something, the new models," and, "do you think you could fly it, Tony?”

And Tony thinks about flying. He thinks about flying _again_ , and he says, “I don't know.” And he thinks about planes, about new planes, and he says, “They've changed a lot. For instance, metal bodies are standard now, and it was canvas, during the war. And of course it's mostly uniplanes, nowadays.”

And Loki says, “Well, a plane's a plane, right?”

And Tony says, “I don't know.” He says, “If it was Jarvis, I could fly it.” 

And Loki looks at Tony. (He looks at him with Howard-eyes, looks, “You are delusional, Tony, what is your problem?”) But he doesn't say anything, and after a while he looks away.

And Jarvis says, “He is judging you, he thinks you're crazy.” He says, “Tony, you don't have to stay here and put up with this.” 

But really, there isn't much else you can do in the morning on Three, it's either this or play cards with Clint and the other fellows. So Tony stays with Loki. And after a while, he says, “We could talk about Asgard, if you want.”

And then Loki gets extremely angry. And he looks at Tony, looks at him with _very_ angry eyes, and he says, “Go away! You may be content to live in a dream-world,” he says, “but I am not.”

And Tony goes. – And he can hear Jarvis, and he's saying, “I told you so.” Jarvis can be a little bit of a know-it-all sometimes. – This is _not_ a good time to talk to Loki after all, apparently, and if he doesn't want to play cards with Clint and the others, maybe he should read his book. 

And Happy says, “ _Certainly_ you can go to the dormitory and get your book, Tony.” He says, “that is quite a good idea, and don't mind Loki, Tony, he is just having trouble adjusting to reality right now.” And he says, “Maybe you wouldn't understand about that, huh, Tony?”

You would think Happy would know better than to say such a thing. You would think he would understand that being locked up at Whittier is _quite a lot_ of reality for anyone to adjust to. But when you're a patient at a mental hospital, people tend to think that you're crazy, and they always think you don't notice these things.

There is no point saying anything though. And Tony goes and he gets his book. It is rather sad, but quite interesting, and he reads it until lunchtime. And lunch is Tuna Wiggle on Toast, and the toast is soggy by the time you get it to the table, but Tony eats it because it will make him look good, and help him get a grounds-pass. And after lunch, he plays cards with Clint and the others, and sometimes he looks over at Loki. And he is always sitting there alone, just staring at the wall. And he does not look happy.


	14. Loki's Visitors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony has seen Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo visit before, and before, it was always Loki who made a scene. Today, for a change, it is somebody else.

Well on Wednesdays, Tony has OT. He always has OT on Wednesdays, and just because he's moved wards, that doesn't make it any different. And he goes downstairs right after breakfast just like he always does, he goes to the psychiatrists' offices, and Rhodey goes along to unlock the doors. And Parker's already there when he gets there. 

Parker is there, but Bruce isn't, and Parker says his Other Guy has pitched a fit. Bruce's Other Guy is always pitching fits, and this time it's gotten him sent to pack. Pack is when they wrap you in extremely cold, wet sheets, and every time you start to get even a little warm, they will come and put new sheets on there. They send you to pack if you are very, very sick, and usually they transfer you to one of the low wards afterward.

And Parker has someone different with him today. He's brought someone else to help with the cleaning. And he says, “This new fellow isn't worth much, he is very delusional.” Delusional is _not_ a good word, but Parker doesn't have much tact, and he uses it anyway, and he says, “I told them we could do it all by ourselves, Tony, but they made me bring this fellow along.” 

And the new fellow's name is Reed. He is a pretty good worker, but he does talk a lot. And most of the time when you try to get a word in edgewise, he will be talking about his enemy Dr. Doom, who is somewhere at Whittier, but he doesn't know where. And Reed says, “You fellows had better be careful.” He says, “Dr. Doom could be anywhere, and I do not think he would stop at hurting you to get to me.”

And Tony tries to be nice to him anyway. And he does the cleaning, him, and Reed, and Parker. And Fury says, “You fellows had better hurry up.” He says, “It's almost lunch time, and you're not half finished.” But they were working as hard as always, it's not their fault Reed was new, and they had to train him. And then after they're done, they go upstairs to lunch. You get a knife when you eat with the fellows from One, which is nice, because the meat they serve at Whittier can be _rather_ gristly. And Tony is always very responsible with his knife, and with the breakable cups and plates you also get to use when you eat with One. And Parker and Reed are quite responsible too, even though they are on one of the low wards. 

And after lunch, Tony goes back to Three, and he goes into the dayroom. There are visitors, Loki's family is there. They are Uncle Theo and Aunt Josie, Tony remembers them from before. And the orderly would always tell Loki they were here. He'd say, “Do you want to see your family today, Loki,” and then Loki would always pitch a fit.

Tony comes in, and he sees them all together, Loki, and Uncle Theo, and Aunt Josie. And Uncle Theo is saying something. He is saying, “...Good news. Something-something, such good news today, Loki.”

And Aunt Josie is saying, “...Just a few more weeks,” she is saying something about a few more weeks.

Loki is _not_ looking at them. He has his arms folded, and he is looking at the wall. And Jarvis says, “He is getting ready to pitch a fit, are you sure you want to stay here, Tony?”

But Loki does not look like he's going to pitch a fit. He just looks a little angry, and he says, “What do I care about that?”

Then Aunt Josie says, “Loki, you can spend summer with us, and perhaps go back to Princeton in the fall.”

And Loki turns his back on her. He turns his back completely, and he says, “That's assuming I want to. Maybe I want to stay here.”

And Jarvis says, “He is not making sense. Why would anyone want to stay at Whittier?” He says, “There's going to be a scene pretty soon, Tony, are you sure you want to stay here?”

But Tony does _not_ want to leave. He remembers Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo from before, and they are quite nice people. And he tells Jarvis, “I would like to say hello to Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo, before I leave.”

And Jarvis says, “Well don't say I didn't warn you.”

Uncle Theo is saying, “Loki, watch what you say.” Tony hears him, and he is saying, “After what your parents sacrificed to get you here, you better watch what you say.”

And Aunt Josie says, “Theo...” She says, “Remember what the doctor said, Theo.”

And Loki turns around. He says, “My parents were fools. Do _not_ talk to me about my parents, they deserved...”

And Uncle Theo begins shouting. He says, “Loki, you ungrateful...”

And Aunt Josie says, “Theo remember...” She says, “The doctor said we have to be patient.”

Then Rhodey tells them to go. He says, “Perhaps you had better leave, you are upsetting the patients.” And he says, “How about you, Tony, do you want to leave?”

And Tony says no. He says, “I would at least like to say hello to Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo.”

And then Loki looks at Tony, and he says, “Fools,” and that is all he says. And Uncle Theo storms out of there, but Aunt Josie stays. She stays, and she says, “Hello, Tony. It's good to see you again.”

And he says, “Well I got the new socks you sent. They came in very handy this winter, and I just wanted to say thank-you.”

And Aunt Josie says, “I'm glad you liked them, Tony.” She says, “That's good to hear,” and there are _tears_ in her eyes. _There are tears in Aunt Josie's eyes._ And she turns, and she says, “Loki...” She says, “Loki, how could you say such a thing?” And she runs out of the dayroom.

And Jarvis says, “This is Loki's fault. Loki made a scene,” he says. “Are you sure you're all right, Tony?”

And you know, Tony does not really know if he's all right or not, because he doesn't really know what happened. And he says, “Are Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo moving? Were they here to say good-bye? Was that why they were here, Jarvis?”

And Loki looks at him. He looks at him, still somewhat angry, and he says, “Tony, what are you talking about?” And then he goes back over to his place, and he sits down. And he takes out his pack of Chesterfields, and his hands are shaking. Tony sees his hands, and they are shaking, and he can't get a cigarette out.

And Tony takes the pack. He gets one out for him, and he goes over to Rhodey and gets a light for it. And he says, “Howard came one time. He came, and Maria came.” – ~~( _Mother_ came.)~~ – “And they said good-bye, they said they were moving to California.”

And Loki doesn't say anything. He just sits there, and he smokes his cigarette down to the butt. And after a while, he says, “You really want to leave here, don't you, Tony?” And he takes out his pack of Chesterfields again, and this time his hands are not shaking. He gets a cigarette for himself, and he gives one to Tony, and then Rhodey comes over and gives them a light. 

Tony says, “Don't you?”

And Loki doesn't answer for a minute, he just shrugs. And he says, “I might leave, just so you'd have someone to stay with, Tony.”

He says it, and then he laughs a little, and Jarvis says, “He isn't serious.”

And Tony says, “I know it.” He says, “It was just a joke, but it was still a nice thing for him to say.”

Then Loki looks at him, and he frowns. And he says, “You're talking to Jarvis again, aren't you?”

And Tony says, “Was I?” You're not supposed to let people know Jarvis is there.

And Loki says, “Don't do that. It makes you look crazy when you do that.” And after that, he's quiet for a little bit. He just smokes, and he stares at the wall, and he's quiet. Then he sighs, and he says, “I suppose you may talk to Jarvis if you want to. A fellow has to have something to make him happy.” 

And then he takes another cigarette, and he gives another one to Tony. And they sit there in Loki's spot and they smoke together, and Jarvis says, “I guess Loki is not such a bad friend.”

After a while, it's supper time. And supper is shepherd's pie, which is stew with mashed potatoes on top (only they're all mixed together by the time Tony gets some). And after that, it's time for _Little Orphan Annie,_ and then medications, and then bed. And Tony is in bed, and he says, “I still don't know, is Loki leaving or not?”

And Clint says, “What's that?” He says, “Are you talking to me, Tony?”

And Jarvis says, “I don't know either, Tony. Why don't you ask him in the morning.”

And Tony says, “I wasn't talking to you, Clint, but we can talk if you'd like. What would you like to talk about?” But Clint doesn't want to talk. He says he is too tired, and they can talk later. 

And Clint goes to sleep, and after a while Tony goes to sleep too, and that is the end of Wednesday. And maybe Loki is leaving. Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo are very good people, they would _not_ make someone stay at Whittier for the rest of his life. Tony thought he heard Loki say he didn't want to leave, but that's impossible, who _wouldn't_ want to leave? He must have imagined that.


	15. A New Arrival on Ward Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new fellow gets transferred to Three. Reed gets transferred, and although he is Tony's friend, this causes problems.

On Thursday, Tony asks Loki, and he says _of course_ Uncle Theo and Aunt Josie aren't moving. He says, “Whatever made you think that, Tony, you can be awfully delusional.” 

And Tony asks him, “Are you leaving? Are you leaving Whittier, Loki?” 

And Loki doesn't say anything. He's quiet for a minute, and then he says, “You wouldn't want me to go, would you Tony?” 

This is a question people don't ask you. They don't say, “What do you want,” because that is _not_ how things get decided at Whittier, that is never how things get decided here.

And Loki says, “We're friends, aren't we? Do you want me to leave?”

People don't ask you this question, because _everyone_ wants to leave Whittier, and you are not a very good friend if you want a fellow to have to stay here. People _never_ ask you this question, but Loki has never really acted like everyone else, and he is asking it.

And Tony doesn't know what to say, but he says, “Well, people leave.” He says, “People leave, and Uncle Theo and Aunt Josie are awfully nice people, Loki. I think they would let you stay with them.”

And then Loki looks away. He doesn't say anything for quite a long time, he just looks at the wall, and he doesn't look at Tony. And then when he does look at him, his face is wet. And was he crying? Was Loki crying? Why was he crying, why would he be? It doesn't make any sense, but it is _not_ good to see it happen, and Tony doesn't like the way it makes him feel.

And then Loki says, “You're _so_ delusional, Tony.” And delusional is _not_ a good word to use, but here is the strange thing: It feels less bad to hear him say it, than it did to see the tears.

Well that's how it is with Loki, and he is acting very strange. And he does not want to talk much, and when Tony gets a grounds-pass (on May 2nd, and it is a Thursday), he doesn't want to go outside with him (even though he has a grounds-pass too). And Happy keeps saying, “He is adjusting to reality, Tony, Loki is adjusting to reality.”

And Jarvis says, “Don't worry about Loki, Tony.” He keeps saying, “Don't worry about him, you just keep your nose clean, and you'll get more privileges.”

And privileges are awfully good, and Tony is getting more of them now. He's got a grounds-pass, and he can go outside anytime he wants to. He can go by himself without an orderly, and he is pretty sure he could get a weekend-pass if there were anyone who cared to have him to visit. And he'll go outside, sometimes. And the weather is getting warmer, and there are an awful lot of flowers blooming in the garden. There are some yellow ones in there, and some white ones that are awfully fragrant. And Tony will go out there. He'll walk around in the garden, or perhaps he will just sit on a bench in the sun and smoke for a while. 

He'll go out there, or he'll go off-ward to go to the library sometimes, but when he comes back into the dayroom, it seems like he'll always see Loki. And Loki will be sitting where he always is, and he won't be talking to anyone. He'll just be alone, and he will look unhappy, and Tony does _not_ feel good when he sees that.

And some time goes by. And it's the middle of May, May 17th. It is a Friday, and something interesting happens. And Tony goes to OT just like he always does. And then after lunch, when he is going back to Three, Fury says, “Reed, you'll be going to a Doctor's Hearing this afternoon.”

Reed is still quite delusional, and if you let him, he will talk your ear off, about his enemy Dr. Doom, and the sabotage that left his body stretchy as rubber, but apparently he is getting a transfer anyhow. And then Tony goes back to Three, and he is in the dayroom, and Reed comes in, and apparently he is being transferred to Three.

And Rhodey says, “Tony, here's Reed.” He says, “You two fellows are old friends, aren't you, Tony?”

And Reed comes over. Tony is sitting with Loki, and Reed comes over there. And he says, “Hello, Tony. It's awfully good to know a fellow when you come to a new ward.”

And there are an awful lot of things you can talk about with Reed. Reed is quite an interesting fellow, and he was a flyboy during the War, and he trained at McCook, just a few months after Tony was there. And he'll say, “Tony, do you remember Sargent Bridges?” He'll say, “Do you remember how Sargent Bridges used to shout if you didn't drain the gas out of your plane, after training?”

Reed will say, “Do you remember the mess hall? Tony, do you remember the food they used to serve?”

And Tony will say, “The food was awful, wasn't it?”

And Reed will say, “It was Southern food.” He'll say, “They like their ham salty like that, and they never put sugar in their corn bread, that's just how they like it, Tony.”

Reed and Tony have talked an awful lot, together. They used to talk, while they were doing their OT, and now that Reed is on Three, it is quite easy for them to start talking again.

And Reed says, “Did you ever go to the Colonial Kitchen, Tony?” He says, “It was right off-base, and I used to go there whenever I got a pass.”

And Tony has been there too. And the chicken-and-waffle special was quite good, and very reasonable, at 25 cents, although Tony doesn't really care much for Southern cooking.

And Reed says, “Remember Old Sam'l?”

And Tony says, “He was quite a character, wasn't he? And the fellows used to say it was good luck to leave a tip for him.”

And Reed says, “Yes, I always left a tip for Old Sam'l if I knew I was going up the next day. All the fellows did.”

And they're talking. He and Reed are talking, and all of a sudden, Loki says, “Aren't you going to introduce me?” And his voice sounds angry, and he says, “Aren't you going to introduce me to your _friend_ , Tony?”

And jumpy people make Tony jumpy. He is not saying it's right or wrong, that's just how it is. And when Loki talks with that angry tone, that is pretty much all he hears.

And then there's Jarvis, and Jarvis is saying, “Tony, you know how Loki is. You know how he is, and sometimes he loses his temper.” And he says, “Are you all right, Tony? Do you want to leave?”

Tony says, “I'm all right.” He says, “Jumpy people make me jumpy. I know Loki gets irritable.”

And Reed is saying something. He's talking to Loki, and he says, “Pleased to meet you... Something-something, and we can get to know each other.”

And then Loki is saying something. He is talking to Tony, and he says, “...Have to act so strangely.” He is saying something about acting strangely, and then he says, “Go talk to _your friend_ , Tony, see if I care.”

And Reed says, “We could go outside, Tony.” He says, “Tony, you seem upset. Perhaps we should go outside, and I am sure one of the orderlies would go with us.”

And Loki says, “He has a _grounds-pass_...” Something about, “Tony has a grounds-pass.”

And Reed says, “We should go outside, then. And we'd better go together, because Dr. Doom is sure to strike if you go out alone.” He says that, and Loki gives an angry sounding snort.

And then something unusual happens, because then Jarvis says, “Perhaps you should stay here, Tony.” He says, “Your friend Loki seems to need you.”

And Jarvis has _never_ liked Loki. He has never liked him, the whole time he's known him, and Tony says, “ _You_ want me to stay with Loki, Jarvis?”

And Jarvis says, “He's your friend, Tony, and I think you should stay.”

And so Tony stays. And he says, “Thank you, Reed, but I think I will stay here for now.” And after a while, Reed goes away, and he goes and plays cards with Clint. And Tony takes out his last pack of Lucky Strikes, and he says, “Would you like a cigarette, Loki?”

And Loki says, “How many times have I told you? Tony, don't give away all your cigarettes, you still have two more days until store-day.” And he takes out his pack of Chesterfields, and he takes one, and he gives one to Tony. And after that, they sit together, and Loki does not say anything about what happened. He doesn't say anything at all, and when they finish their first cigarettes, he takes out two more, and he goes and gets Happy to light them for them.

And after a while it is dinnertime. And dinner is stew, with some awfully gristly meat in it, and Tony takes some (because he knows the orderlies are watching), but Loki does not take any. And Tony says, “You have to eat.” He says, “Loki, you have to eat, because that's how they decide if they'll give you privileges.”

And Loki says, “Be quiet, you talk too much. Do you think I need you to take care of me, Tony?”


	16. An Unexpected Invitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Reed has been on Three for a while, he gets a grounds-pass, and it is awfully nice having someone besides Jarvis that you can go outside with. Then one day Tony and Reed are outside, and they come back in, and something unexpected happens.

Well one thing about Whittier, is it does not smell awfully good here. There is an _odor_ near the kitchens, and there is another _odor_ in the wards, and there is another one in the bathrooms as well, and none of them are particularly good odors. Even the psychiatrists' offices have an odor about them, and a fellow really wants to get outside sometimes, where he can smell some fresh air. Well now that he is on one of the high wards, Tony has a grounds-pass, and he can go outside when he wants to. This is quite an advantage, especially this time of year, when it is getting warmer, and the _odors_ are really too strong to ignore. And he used to go outside with Jarvis, and sometimes they would walk over to the garden. The yellow and white flowers are all gone now, but the roses are starting to have buds, and pretty soon they will all be in bloom. Or sometimes they would stay in the courtyard. You don't have to go too far away, just over by the gate, and then you smell the garden, and not too much of the indoor-odors.

Well Loki has a grounds-pass too, but he never wants to use it. He says he's not interested, and all the places at Whittier are the same anyhow. And Tony used to go outside with Jarvis. He went out with Jarvis, when he was not inside keeping Loki company. But then after Reed's been on Three for a couple weeks, he gets a grounds-pass too. And it's _two_ weeks after he gets there, it's May the 31st, and they're coming back from the cafeteria after lunch, and Happy says, “Say Reed, I don't guess you'd like a grounds-pass, would you?” And then he says, “Tony, I guess you'll like having a friend to go outside with, or is that going to make Jarvis jealous?”

Happy is _very_ humorous sometimes, and he is not always very respectful. Tony does not say anything, and he certainly does not say anything about Jarvis (because it doesn't look good when you let the orderlies know he's still there). But Reed says, “I certainly would like a grounds-pass, thanks awfully, Happy.”

And Happy says, “Well, you've been keeping your nose clean.” And he says, “I won't have to worry about you finding Dr. Doom under all the rosebushes, will I?” This is him not being respectful again (although Reed really is still awfully delusional), and Reed ignores it, and after they get back to Three, he and Tony go outside.

And they go over to the garden, and it is very nice outside, sunny and with just a little bit of a breeze. And Reed says, “See here, Tony...” He walks over to the rosebushes, and he says, “See here, Tony, see how dark-colored the buds are? That is because of the high copper-content of the water here.” And he says, “Of course I studied Engineering in college, but Botany has always been a passion.”

And Tony says, “That is awfully interesting.” (Although it isn't, not really.) And after that, they talk about Botany, and then they find a bench with some sun on it, over near the roses, and they sit there for a while. And first Reed talks some more about Botany, and then he talks about being in the Air Corps. And he says, “Say Tony, remember all the plans they had for the Engineering Division? Remember Tony, they said we were the future of the Armed Forces?”

And Tony says, “I remember.” And he thinks about Howard, and how he used to say, “Flying is a young man's game, Tony.” He said that, and then he would say, “With your brains and flying skills, Tony, you can go a long way.” And Tony says, “They certainly talked an awful lot about us being the future, didn't they, Reed?”

And Reed says, “They certainly did. I wonder if they still talk like that.” And then he's quiet for a little while. And he takes out his pack of Philip Morrises (Philip Morris: The Doctor's Choice is America's Choice), and he offers one to Tony, and they light them from the butt of Reed's last cigarette, so they won't have to go inside and get one of the orderlies to light them. And after a while, Reed says, “That was a long time ago. Do you ever think about what went wrong, Tony?”

And Reed means, “What went wrong with _us_?” He means, “How did we end up here? What happened, Tony? Where is the future that Howard promised you?” And just for a moment, Tony can see it, he can see the future the way Howard said it was going to be, and he is wearing an officer's uniform, he is wearing a uniform with bars on it. That's how you show your medals now, you wear bars on your chest, instead of the actual medal. Howard has a medal, he has a Dewey Medal, that he got for work he did for the Navy before Tony was born, and it is a real medal, and very showy. It's more dignified just to have the bars. And Tony thinks about that, he thinks about himself wearing a uniform like that, and what... What happened, Reed? Jarvis, what happened? _What happened to my future?_

But you don't get anywhere by talking about things like that, and all that was an awful long time ago. And they used to say “shell-shock”, that is probably what is on Reed's discharge papers too. But what do they say now, when it's been so long, since the shells stopped falling? And what are they going to say again, if ( ~~ _when_~~ ) this current war gets here? Will it be shell-shock again, or will they have a new name for it?

And Tony doesn't say anything for a while, and then finally he asks, “Do you think about it, Reed?”

And Reed says, “Well sometimes I wonder a little, but I know it was probably Dr. Doom's fault. It was his scheming that got me here, but Tony, I have nothing but pity, because he's here too. His schemes didn't do him much good.”

And Jarvis is there, and he says, “Reed is being delusional again. I suppose a fellow needs something though.”

And Tony says, “I suppose so.” 

And Jarvis says, “At least you have me, you always have me, Tony.” And that is something, because being at Whittier (and not having the future that Howard promised him) would be an awful lot worse if Jarvis weren't here with him.

And Tony says, “I suppose you're right, Jarvis.”

And after a while, Reed talks some more. He talks some more about Botany, and then he talks about being at McCook. And he says, “Tony, do you remember the Bijou Dream? My goodness, that place was fancy. I used to go there when I had a pass. I've always enjoyed a good movie now and then.”

And Tony says, “Well sometimes I'd go to the Bijou Dream, and sometimes I went to the Criterion, on Valley Street. I used to look for the Doug Fairbanks pictures and watch them. He was quite the swashbuckler.”

And Reed says, “I liked the comedies myself. Remember Fatty Arbuckle, Tony? Wasn't he an awfully funny fellow? I wonder what happened to him.”

And they stay out there for a while longer. They stay until they can't get their cigarettes to light from the butt any more, and then they come inside. And there are visitors in the dayroom, when they go in there. Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo have come to visit Loki.

And lately, it seems that Loki is not quite as angry when his family visits. Sometimes a whole visit can go by, and there are no raised voices at all, and sometimes Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo will take Loki, and they will go someplace with him. Loki never wants to talk about what he does when he's with his family, but probably they go to town. There is an awfully nice cafe in town, where you can get a hamburger and a piece of pie, or perhaps just a cup of coffee. And you can sit there, and you can talk with whoever is visiting you... – And it was usually Howard, but one time it was Maria, and she took his hand, and she said, “Tony, you know I'll always love you.” – No one will even look twice at you, and you're just like everyone else, and that can be rather pleasant for a change. Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo are probably taking Loki there, or perhaps they are going to the drugstore, so he can get more cigarettes, because one thing that hasn't changed about Loki, is he still goes through an awful lot of those.

Tony and Reed go into the dayroom, and there are Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo. And they are talking to Loki. They are talking, all three, with their heads close, and Rhodey is over there, and he has his head close too, and they are all talking in low voices. And then Loki turns away. He turns, and his voice is loud enough to hear, and he says, “No. I suppose I can make my own decisions, can't I?”

And Uncle Theo raises his voice too, and he says, “Loki, your decision makes no sense.” And he turns, and he says, “Josie, will you talk to him?”

Then there is Aunt Josie's voice. And she speaks very low, Tony cannot hear what she's saying, and then everyone's head is together again, they are all talking in low voices.

And Reed says, “I feel somewhat de trop. This is quite awkward, I wish your friend would take his personal conversation elsewhere.”

And Tony feels a little de trop as well. A fellow does not like walking in and hearing someone else air their dirty linen in public, but of course it happens all the time, at Whittier. They do not give a fellow much chance for privacy here.

And Reed says, “Perhaps we should go back outside, Tony?” 

But the breeze is getting a little _cold_ out there, and Tony does not fancy going back out, and he says, “Perhaps we could go to the library.”

And Reed says, “That's an awfully good idea, Tony,” and they are turning, they are going to go to the dormitory so they can get their books. They are about to go, and that is when something very unexpected happens.

Rhodey comes over, and he says, “Tony, can you come here for a moment?”

And Tony goes over. He goes over, and Loki is looking at him, and Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo are looking at him. And Rhodey says, “Tony, I'm only going along with this because you've been doing so well lately.” He says, “I'm still going to need Nurse Potts's okay, but I think she will be all right with it, Tony, you have been doing a good job of keeping your nose clean lately.” And he says, “Mr. and Mrs. Odinson have invited you to stay with them for the weekend. Tony, do you want to go?”

And Aunt Josie says, “Will you go?” She is standing right there, and she puts her hand on his arm, and she looks up into his face, and she says, “Tony, will you go? I would take it as an awfully big favor.”

And right away, Loki says, “Tony, go with me.” And he looks at his family, and he says, “You know I'm only going if he comes.”

And Uncle Theo raises his voice again, and he says, “This is ridiculous. Loki, you can't be serious.”

And after that, there are more raised voices. After that, everyone is talking at the same time, and it is hard to make out what is happening. And Tony hears Jarvis, he hears him over the raised voices. And Jarvis says, “Tony, why don't you just walk away?”

And Jarvis says, “Tony, just walk away. Reed is right there,” he says. “Just go to the library with with him, Tony.”

And Loki and Uncle Theo are arguing, and their voices are raised. And then Rhodey raises his voice too, he is trying to be heard over the others. And Jarvis is saying, “Just go to the library with Reed, Tony. Tony, you don't need this.”

And then Aunt Josie is putting her hand on Tony's arm again. She is saying, “Tony, we will make sure you feel welcome. Tony, you don't have to do anything you don't want, but I would take this as an awfully big favor.” And she says, “Tony, haven't you ever wanted to get away from Whittier, just for a little while?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "de trop", which I think was originally a French idiom, meaning "too many", used to be common slang among the upper classes in the US. I understand from _Our Hearts Were Young and Gay_ , by Cornelia Otis Skinner (http://www.amazon.com/Our-Hearts-Were-Young-Unforgettable/dp/1579124364), that the stylish thing was to pronounce it "dee tropp," to be clever.


	17. Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo's House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo live in Connecticut. They have an awfully nice little house, with a very comfortable guest bedroom, and it is quite peaceful in there. They could be arguing, or _anything_ could be happening in the rest of the house, and a fellow would never know.

The grey flannel suit was a gift from Howard. Howard bought it for him in the fall of 1936. He bought it for him after Tony left Whittier the last time. And Howard came and got him here, and he took him to the apartment in New York. It was an awfully lovely apartment, and he and Maria were staying there. Howard said, “It doesn't pay to open the brownstone, not with _that man_ in the White House raising the taxes on honest businessmen,” and he and Maria had that apartment, and there were vases full of white flowers, and the guest bedroom where Tony slept, had a window with a view of the park.

And Howard said, “Your clothes are in _rags_ , Tony.” He said, “What did you wear in that hospital, because these are all in rags.” And he took Tony to Brooks Brothers, and he got him a suit, and a blue rep tie, and another red tie, with a foulard pattern. And here's the funny thing: Tony never used those clothes much. When he found a job in Danbury, it was clerking at a bookstore, and there was quite a casual atmosphere at that place. And then after that, he was back in Whittier again, and a fellow doesn't take much care with what he wears here. 

And Rhodey takes Tony into a dressing room. And he brings out the grey flannel suit that Howard got him, and really, it looks as good as new. And Rhodey gives him a nice white shirt with some starch in it, and he gives him the red tie. And he helps Tony polish his shoes, and they really look very nice when they've been polished (and still in good condition, when he's had them since 1937, or maybe '38, and that is a sign of quality). And Rhodey brushes Tony's hat off for him, and he gives him his overcoat, even though he probably won't need it, it's been so warm lately. And he says, “My, you certainly look snappy, Tony.” He says, “Those are some fine threads, you've got the zoot suit with the reet pleat, and all you need is a carnation in the lapel.”

And Tony is wearing the suit that Howard got him. And he goes into the dayroom, and Loki is there. And Loki is wearing an awfully nice pair of flannel trousers, and a tweed jacket and a soft shirt. And his hair is combed, it is _rather_ long, but it's been combed nicely. And Tony says, “You look awfully nice, Loki.”

And Aunt Josie is there, and she says, “Tony, that is a nice suit you are wearing, Tony.” And she says, “I'm awfully glad you could come.”

And Tony says, “Thank you, Aunt Josie.” And Aunt Josie takes him outside, she takes him and Loki out to the front of the hospital. 

And it is always shady in front of the hospital. It was _very_ shady the last time, in the fall of 1936, when Howard came and got him. And the driver brought the car around. And Howard and Tony waited in front of the hospital, and it was _rather_ cold, and Howard said, “Where's your overcoat, Tony? Tony, haven't you got any sense?” Today it is not so cold, and the breeze, which was coming up earlier, seems to have died down. But it may become cold later. It's a good thing Tony has his overcoat with him this time.

And Uncle Theo brings the car around. Uncle Theo drives a dark green Chevrolet sedan with white sidewalls. And he parks it at the curb, and Tony goes over, and he runs his hand over the hood of the car, and it is smooth and warm. It's an awfully nice car, much nicer than the one they take when they go into town every week.

And Uncle Theo says, “You like the car, Tony?” He says, “It is not new, but I try to take care of it, and I think it is holding up pretty well.”

And Loki is opening the car door, he is getting in, and he says, “It looks exactly like all the other cars in your neighborhood, but then you were never one for originality, were you, Uncle?”

And Uncle Theo says, “Rude...” He says something about being rude, Loki is being rude. Tony is getting in the car himself, he does _not_ hear all of what he says.

And Jarvis says, “They're arguing, Tony, Uncle Theo and Loki are arguing.” 

And Tony says, “I don't care.” He says, “I brought my book along. If they argue, I will read, and I _don't_ have to listen.”

And Jarvis says, “Go back, Tony, go back inside now.”

Jarvis thinks he knows everything. Tony is _leaving_ Whittier, and he does _not_ have to be back until Monday. And it is the first time he has left Whittier since 1936, and everything is going to be fine.

And Uncle Theo's car is upholstered in white leather, and it's very, very clean inside, and it smells very nice. And up ahead, there is a sign. It says, Route 2, Southbound, and they turn there, so apparently Uncle Theo and Aunt Josie live south of here. 

New York is south of here, and Howard drove Tony south to New York, after he left Whittier in 1936. And it was quite a long drive, and they stopped for lunch on the road. They stopped at the Old Dutch Inn, in Hartford Connecticut, and Tony had a club sandwich, and Howard had a hamburger. And Howard said, “You had better be careful, Tony.” He said, “Your mother's been through a lot with you, she isn't as strong as she looks, Tony.” And Tony said he would be careful, and he did try awfully hard. And afterward, Jarvis said, “It wasn't your fault, Tony. _It_ was trying to get in, what were you supposed to do?” But it _was_ his fault, it was _all_ his fault. It was... ~~( _another mess_ , you made another mess, Tony)~~ He did... ~~(he _broke_ things again, he is always causing trouble. TONYIAMALWAYSCLEANINGUPYOURMESSES.)~~ Well really, if you think about it, that's probably why Maria went with Howard to California ~~(and left Tony behind)~~ : It's because of what happened after he got out of Whittier the last time.

And Loki is saying something. He's saying something about a Jew-suburb, something about, “...that Jew-suburb of yours.”

And Uncle Theo says, “Show some respect.” He says, “Your parents _died_ because they were Jews, show some respect, Loki.”

And Aunt Josie says, “...a good visit.” Something about “...a good visit, can't we just have a good visit?”

And Jarvis is saying, “Didn't I tell you, Tony,” Jarvis says, “Tony, you shouldn't have come.”

And Tony takes out his book. He brought _The Grapes of Wrath,_ which is by John Steinbeck, the same fellow who wrote _Of Mice and Men_. That one was awfully good, although it was _rather_ sad, and the librarian said, “Tony, I'm glad you liked _Of Mice and Men_ ,” and she held _The Grapes of Wrath_ for him when it came in. And it is quite a long book, and should take a while to read, but Tony does not open it right away. Uncle Theo and Loki are not talking _too_ loudly, and he would like to enjoy the scenery. And he says, “Jarvis, you worry too much. Everything is going to be fine.”

And outside his window, Tony sees trees, he sees an awful lot of beautiful green trees. And there are quite a lot of billboards too. It seems like every time they pass a clear area, there are billboards there, and the billboards say, “Ballantine Ale, it Took 100 Years to Make it as Good as it is Today.” They say, “Standard Gasoline, Unsurpassed,” and, “Union Pacific: Travel While You Sleep,” and, “Don't take curves at 60 per, we hate to lose a customer, Burma Shave.” And the car goes past all those trees and billboards, and it goes past towns, and there are town signs that say, “Framingham,” and “Southbridge,” and “Glastonbury,” and “Meridian”.

And Uncle Theo and Loki are talking. They are arguing, but Tony is _not_ listening to them, he is enjoying the scenery. And he is thinking a little bit about when Howard took him to New York, the other time, and after a while he thinks, “Perhaps Uncle Theo and Aunt Josie live in New York?” And he wonders if they have closed up their house, because of _that man_ in the White House, and whether their apartment overlooks the park ~~(and whether he will make a mess and they will be angry with him)~~. And he says, “I don't believe I caught where you live, Uncle Theo.”

And Loki is saying something. He is saying something about, “...stupidity. They knew what Hitler was planning, why didn't they leave?”

And Uncle Theo is saying something about, “...disrespect,” and he doesn't stop when Tony talks to him, he just keeps arguing with Loki.

But Aunt Josie says, “Milford, we live in Milford, Tony.”

And Loki says, “Jew-suburb,” again, and Uncle Theo gets very angry. And Jarvis says, “I told you, Tony, didn't I tell you?” But Tony has his book, he does not have to listen, he was only asking a question. And he says, “Thank you, Aunt Josie, and are we going to get there soon?”

And she says, “Pretty soon, Tony, we will be there in time for supper.” And Uncle Theo and Loki keep on arguing. And Jarvis keeps saying, “Tony, I told you so, Tony, you shouldn't have come,” but Jarvis worries too much, _everything is going to be fine._

And more town signs go by. And they say, “Wallingford.” They say, “Hamden,” and “Shelton,” and “New Haven.” And they are getting pretty close to New York. This was the way they went, when Howard took Tony to New York, after he got out of Whittier before. And that was in 1936, it was right in the middle of the Great Depression, and Howard kept pointing to all the businesses that were shuttered. And he said, “It's _that man_ in the White House's doing. If we'd just stayed the course, Herbert Hoover is a good man.” And they _drove_ down, but the next day they took the train over to Danbury. And Howard said, “Your mother's not strong, Tony, I'm not going to let you impose on her,” and he took Tony to Danbury, and found him an apartment on Main Street, just up from the park ~~(and there were screams, you could hear _screams_ , and they might have come from the park)~~. And Howard said, “You will be _fine_ here.” He said, “Tony, you will be fine, and your mother and I will come for a visit once you get settled.” And here is a funny thing: Tony does _not_ remember if they ever came or not. You'd think a fellow would remember something like that.

And after a while, the car stops, and then Aunt Josie says, “We're here, Tony, we're here,” and so apparently this is Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo's house.

And Uncle Theo says, “Well, Loki, what do you think? I've been making some improvements.”

And it's a nice little house. Loki doesn't care, but it is an awfully nice little house. Uncle Theo and Loki are arguing some more, and Jarvis is saying, “Are you all right Tony?” And Tony says, “I'm fine, Jarvis. Everything is _just fine_.” It's a very pretty little white house, with roses growing in front, and Aunt Josie says, “Theo put in that apple tree in March.” She says, “We are expecting apples this fall,” and she shows Tony to the guest bedroom, and it has a window that overlooks the back yard.

And it is an awfully quiet little room. You can close the door, and you won't hear anything that's going on in the rest of the house. Uncle Theo and Loki could be arguing ~~, or _anything_ could be out there, the war or anything~~ , and you wouldn't know. And Tony hangs up his hat and his overcoat, and he sets his valise down by the bed, and then he sits down there. And you know, _anything_ could be happening out there? ~~Howard could be out there, he could be telling Uncle Theo and Aunt Josie what kind of person Tony is, and he will impose on you, there will be messes to clean up.~~ There in the guest bedroom, it is just completely peaceful. And Tony takes out his book, but he doesn't read, he looks out the window for some time. And there are an awful lot of trees out there, and there is a lawn, with some chaise longues on it, and it looks peaceful out there too ~~(and there aren't any screams, coming from the park)~~ , and maybe Tony will go out later.

And after a while, it starts to get dark. And Jarvis says, “It's suppertime, Tony.”

And Tony says, “It is suppertime at Whittier, Jarvis. We don't know what time they eat here.”

And Jarvis says, “It is suppertime, you are supposed to eat supper now, Tony. And after supper, you listen to _Little Orphan Annie_ , and then it's time for your medications.”

And Tony says, “That is at Whittier, Jarvis, things are different here.” And he says, “Stop worrying, Jarvis, everything is fine.”


	18. Uncle Theo's Sharp, Sharp Knives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was blood, there was an _awful_ lot of blood, and after that Tony knew he'd overstayed the visit.

_Something_ grabs him. There's nothing, and then there's something grabbing him, and Tony says, “Jarvis? _Jarvis_?”

And he's someplace he doesn't know, and someone's there. And she's Aunt Josie, she is Loki's Aunt Josie. And she says, “I'm sorry, did I disturb you? Tony, it's time for supper.”

It's not. It is very, very dark, and they _never_ have supper after dark, not even during the winter when it gets dark early. And Tony sits up, and he's...

And this is Aunt Josie's _house_. It's hers and Uncle Theo's house, and Tony is visiting, he's here for the weekend. And he sits up, and he sees that he fell asleep on top of the counterpane, and he did _not_ take his shoes off first, which was extremely rude of him. It's an awfully nice counterpane, it's white chenille, with a very pretty flower-pattern, and you can see the dust-marks where he put his shoes. And Tony says, “I'm awfully sorry, Aunt Josie,” and he leans over and tries to brush away the dirt away, but it doesn't come.

And Aunt Josie says it's all right. She says, “It's all right, Tony,” and they go into the dining room. It is _very_ dark outside, but the lights are on in the house, and the table is spread in the dining room, and there is an awfully nice smell coming from the food on the table. And Loki is there. He's sitting at one end of the table, and Uncle Theo is sitting at the other end, and they are arguing. And Tony is sitting next to Loki. He goes to his place, and he's sitting next to Loki, _and there is a knife at his place_.

There is a _sharp knife_ at Tony's place, a _very_ sharp knife. You never get a knife like that at Whittier, not even on One. A fellow could _hurt_ himself with a knife like that. There would be an awful lot of blood ~~(and mess)~~ , and Tony doesn't touch it, he doesn't even look at it.

And Aunt Josie is saying something. She is saying, “...a real Sabbath,” something about a real Sabbath. And she's saying, “roast chicken and potatoes. That was your favorite, wasn't it Loki?”

Loki says, “Jew-food.” He only says “Jew-food,” and then there is a clatter. Uncle Theo drops his knife ~~(his _sharp_ knife)~~ on the floor, and it clatters.

Roast chicken is something they _never_ serve at Whittier. They serve roast turkey on Thanksgiving, but it is already carved when you get it, you certainly won't need a ~~sharp~~ knife to cut it, and they serve ham on Christmas (Tony thinks they do, he is pretty sure he remembers eating ham there, and it was on Christmas Day), but that is pretty well all the meat you ever get at Whittier. Mostly you get stews and things. This is a very delicious-looking roast chicken, and there are roast potatoes and onions on the platter around it.

Tony's knife is _very_ sharp. A fellow could get _hurt_ with a knife like that, he could cut himself, and it would be... ~~Would be another _mess_ , a mess for Howard to clean up.~~ And he hears Jarvis. Jarvis says, “You don't have to use that knife, Tony. If it bothers you, just push it away.” And Tony pushes, he pushes too hard, and the knife goes on the floor, and it is a horribly loud clatter.

And Loki looks at him. He says, “Tony, are you all right?”

And Tony says, “Of course I am, everything's fine.” And everything _is_ fine, now that knife is gone, and it's on the floor now, and no one can hurt themselves with it ~~(and it won't cause a mess)~~.

And Loki isn't looking at him any more. He's looking at Uncle Theo. And Uncle Theo is cutting the chicken apart, with his sharp, sharp knife, and he is laying the slices on a serving platter. And he says, “I thought you were better.” He says, “Wasn't that why they let him come home for the weekend, Josie? It was because he was better?”

And Loki says, “You don't want me to be _better_ ,” Loki picks up his knife, he picks up his sharp, sharp knife, and he moves it from one hand to the other, and he says, “You want me to be just like you, Uncle, why don't you admit it?”

Loki had better be careful. That knife is going to hurt someone.

And Uncle Theo says, “No, Loki. I just want you to be _all right_ again,” he says, and he cuts the meat, he keeps cutting it with his sharp knife, and Loki keeps turning his knife over and over in his hands. 

And then there is a plate full of meat. Aunt Josie is passing it around the table, and she is saying something. Something about white meat, “Do you want some white meat, Loki?” But Loki is _not_ answering (and he has that sharp knife in his hands), and he says, “My parents _died_ ,” something about, his parents.

And Jarvis says, “Tony?” He says, “Are you all right, Tony?”

But Tony is _all right_ , it's just that no one is being careful with those sharp knives. Those knives are _dangerous_ , and Uncle Theo should have known better than to put them out. There is going to be a mess soon. And Loki keeps turning his in his hands, he keeps turning it and turning it.

And Aunt Josie says, “...meat.” And there is a platter in front of Tony, and she says, “...meat. Do you care for white meat or dark meat, Tony?”

And there is meat on his plate. He didn't answer, or perhaps he did (or perhaps Jarvis answered for him), but there is meat on his plate now, also some potatoes and onions. And Tony _doesn't_ need the sharp knife to cut it, it cuts just fine with his fork. And he will eat some of it, because it smells awfully good (and a gentleman always eats what his hostess has served).

Uncle Theo is saying something. He is saying, “They sent you here...” Somebody sent Loki here, and Uncle Theo is saying, “You have a _chance_ Loki, why can't you understand that?”

And Loki still has that sharp knife in his hands, and he keeps turning it and turning it. And then there's _blood_. There is _a lot_ of blood. The (sharp) knife slipped, and Loki is _bleeding_. And there's words, they come from somewhere. “I understand that I'm all alone.” Someone is all alone. Who is all alone? There is blood, _and Loki is making a mess._

And Tony's hands are on Loki's hands. And Jarvis is saying something. Far and wee, he is saying something, he is saying, “Are you all right, Tony, are you all right?” And Tony's hands are on Loki's hands, and there is blood there, there is blood all over, and Tony says, “Are you all right, Loki? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?”

And then there is pain. There is pain, and blood, so much, much blood. There is blood on Tony, and there is blood on Loki, and there is blood on the _floor_. And Tony's hand _hurts_ , and somewhere, someone says, “Tony.”

Someone says, “Tony.” Perhaps Jarvis? And there is blood, so much blood. Tony is bleeding, he has made a horrible mess, and _his hand hurts_. Someone, Jarvis perhaps, says, “Tony, are you all right?” And someone's hands are on him, and there is a chair, and there is cloth wrapped around his hand.

Nowseewhatyou'vedoneTony. _Look at this mess_. _All_ this mess, who will clean it up? Don't you ever do anything but _impose_? And the cloth is very red, the cloth on Tony's hand. It is red, and that is _blood_ , and that is _more mess_ (Tony's mess). 

And a voice says, “I'm sorry, Tony, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have...” Something. And another voice says, “Loki, I'm sorry, I only wanted...”

And someone (Jarvis perhaps?) says, “I am awfully sorry, I didn't mean to impose, and cause this horrible mess.” And someone says, “May I please go home now?” And it is _not_ Jarvis, Tony says it, and all he wants is to hear _Little Orphan Annie_ , and then have medications, and go to bed in the bed next to Clint's in the dormitory. And Tony says, “May I go home, please may I go home _now_?” And there are other things happening, there are people talking, and they are going different places and doing different things, but Jarvis is there, and Tony stays with him, and after a while things get quiet.


	19. The Infirmary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One cannot _always_ stay in the sky, Jarvis only lets you go there when you really need it. A strange nurse wakes Tony, but fortunately she is not the only one in there, and Nurse Potts brings good news.

And Tony was up in the sky. Jarvis came, and he said, “Tony, come here, Tony.” And then they went up there together, up where the sky was blue and quiet, and the fluffy white clouds clustered all around. And up there, you couldn't see anything, nothing at all, but sometimes Tony would look down. 

And he saw Loki. Loki was taking _someone_ , and they went outside, they went to Uncle Theo's Chevrolet, and they got in, and then Aunt Josie came out, and she brought an overcoat and a valise, and she put them in the car. And there were lights, and they flashed by in the dark. And there were voices, and they said an awful lot of things. And someone said, “Loki, how's your hand? Has the bleeding...” Something about Loki's hand. And someone said, “I'm fine, Aunt, I'm _fine_.” And they said, “Tony, are you all right? Dammit, if I hadn't...” And there was the hum-hum-hum of the engine, but it was soft and faraway, and the talking was soft and faraway. You don't hear much, when you're up in the sky.

And after that there were bright lights, and hard hands. And there were needles, an awful lot of needles (and even up there in the sky, you could still feel it when those needles went in). And there were voices, and they said, “Dammit, hold him still.” And they said, “Give him a local. – Nurse, didn't I _say_ , give him a local?”

And Jarvis said, “Tony...” He said, “Tony, are you all right?”

And Tony said, “I'm _fine_ , Jarvis you worry too much. We're up here in the sky, aren't we? Nothing can happen to me up here.”

And the sky was very blue, and very quiet, and the friendly white clouds were all around. But you know, you can't stay in the sky forever, sooner or later you will have to come down. And Tony comes down, and there he is in a hospital bed, and he can't move his arms, and he can't move his legs, and there is a strange nurse looking at him.

All the beds, all the hard, empty, white beds... And there are straps holding him down (and his right hand _hurts_ ). And there is a strange nurse, and she has a bowl in her hand, and she is looking at him. And the nurse says, “You're awake? Boy, you certainly pitched a fit last night!”

Sometimes it is an awful chore just to make it, when you have to stay on the ground, but Jarvis won't always take you up in the sky, only when you really need it. Tony would like to sleep, but there is a nurse, and she is talking to him. And there is bright sunlight, coming through the window, an awful lot of bright sun, shining in Tony's eyes. And the strange nurse is blocking some of the sun, and she keeps standing there, she keeps looking at Tony. And she says, “Tony, right? I'm Nurse Lewis. I brought you your lunch.”

The strange nurse has a bowl in her hands, and there is a spoon in it. This is Tony's lunch. And you should _always_ eat whatever they give you, here at Whitter. There are people watching if you eat, and if you don't, you _will_ lose privileges. But Tony doesn't want to eat. He only wants to be away, somewhere where the bright sun is not in his eyes, and his hand doesn't hurt any more, and if he can't go back to the sky, perhaps he could sleep at least.

Something happened. There was blood, such an awful lot of blood (such a horrible _mess_ ). And Loki was there. He said, “Tony, are you all right? Hang on Tony.” And then there was a car, and he said, “He's still bleeding, Uncle, won't this thing go any faster?” And Uncle Theo said, “We won't get there any faster if a cop stops me, just hold your horses, Loki.”

And there is a chair next to Tony's bed, and the strange nurse is in the chair, and she has a bowl in her hands, a bowl with a spoon, and she says, “Tony, I've got your lunch here.”

Tony closes his eyes again (and he _sees_ Loki, _sees_ blood, and those sharp knives, and that horrible mess), but he can still hear the strange nurse, she is still talking. And she says, “Listen, I know it's not gourmet cuisine, but you could at least _try_ it, you've got to be hungry, Tony.”

Tony is not hungry. And the stew in the bowl does not smell good (and the spoon clinks against the side of the bowl and it makes a hurt-y sound). And he wants to turn away, but there are straps on his arms and legs, and he turns his head and he doesn't answer the strange nurse.

And the strange nurse says, “Tony.” She says, “Tony, Tony, Tony.”

Where is Loki? He was here, and now he is not here. He was somewhere, and his Uncle Theo and his Aunt Josie were there too. They were _arguing_ , and then there was blood. And Tony says, “Jarvis...” He says, “Jarvis, is Loki all right?”

And it seems like Jarvis is going to answer, because he usually answers, but then there is a voice, and it is the strange nurse's. And she says, “Tony?” She says, “TonyTonyTony?”

_Where_ is Loki? He was here, and now he's not. And where is Jarvis? Jarvis should be here, Jarvis is always here. And the strange nurse says, “Tony,” and she says, “You have to _eat_ , Tony, you should _eat_.”

Strange nurse should be _hit_ , perhaps that would make her go away. She should be hit, or kicked perhaps, and that bowl of hers should be thrown out the window. Maybe then she would go away and it would be quiet here. But you can't do much with your arms and legs strapped down. Tony would like to turn away, but he can't even do that, and he closes his eyes, and he says, “Jarvis,” and why does no one answer, why?

And then someone says something. Someone, _somewhere_ , says something. It's difficult to tell where a voice is coming from, when you are strapped down and all you can see is the window and the strange nurse. _Someone_ says, “Leave him alone, Nurse Lewis,” and her voice is Nurse Potts' voice, and it certainly does feel good to hear someone familiar in here!

And there is someone in front of him. And it is Nurse Potts, and she is talking to the strange nurse. She says, “You can leave Tony alone, he'll eat when he's ready to.”

And the strange nurse says, “Yes, Ma'am.” She says, “What would you like me to do right now?”

And Nurse Potts says, “Martinson... – The hives-patient? – Go feed him.” And the strange nurse says, “Yes Ma'am,” and she leaves. And then there is only one person in here, and she puts a cool hand on Tony's forehead, and she says, “No fever, there's no fever.” And she says, “My goodness, Tony! Were you that eager to be back here? I'd have thought you'd like a break.” 

Nurse Potts brings him a glass of cool water. She brings him aspirin tablets, and she undoes the straps on his wrists, so he can sit up and take them. And she says, “Tony, can I trust you to behave if I take these straps off? Leave the bandage alone, your hand has to heal.”

There is a large bandage on Tony's hand (where the _blood_ was, where the _knife_ got him), but his hand doesn't hurt as much, now that he can rest it on the bed. 

And Nurse Potts says, “I want to keep you here another night to make sure there's no infection.” She says, “You'll behave yourself, won't you Tony?”

And Tony rests his hand on the bed, and it doesn't hurt as much like that, and perhaps now he can get some sleep. But Nurse Potts is still here, she is still talking to him, and she says, “I'll get you another blanket, it's a little chilly, and Nurse Lewis will be in to check on you in a while.”

And perhaps he can get some sleep soon, but Tony is also thinking about Loki. And he says, “Where's Loki?”

And Nurse Potts says, “Loki is all right.” She says, “He's with his family, which is where you would be, Tony, if you hadn't rushed to impale yourself on the first knife you saw, you'd better be awfully grateful you're still on Three, after what you did.” And she says some other things as well. Nurse Potts really keeps talking for quite a long time, but it doesn't seem that Tony needs to keep listening. And he can move, now that the straps are gone, and he can rest his right hand on the bed, where it won't hurt as much. And soon Nurse Potts brings him a warm blanket, and Tony closes his eyes.

And there's Jarvis right there, like he ought to be. And he says, “Tony, are you all right?”

And Tony says, “I am all right, thanks awfully for asking, Jarvis, and I think Loki is all right too.”

And after that, there is nothing. There is nothing, for an awfully long time, just the quiet fluffy clouds, and the blue, blue sky. And that is all right, because Tony is in the infirmary, and once they are sure there's no infection, he will go back to Three, and he will _not_ be transferred, because he is going to behave himself. And probably soon, Loki will be back from visiting his family.


	20. On Ward Three Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he gets back to Three, Tony finds that Parker has been transferred there (and he somewhat inclined to pitch a fit, because Tony can't go to OT until the bandage is off). Reed is there too, though, and he is a good friend. And so is Loki a good friend, when he returns on Monday.

Well Tony goes back to Three, and Reed is there, so it is probably still the weekend. But Loki is _not_ there. Tony looks over at Loki's place, and it's empty, and Rhodey says, “Don't worry, Tony. Your friend's coming back tomorrow, remember?”

And Tony remembers. Loki is at Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo's house, and he is all right, he will be back on Monday. But it is sometimes difficult to keep track of the days, especially when you're in the infirmary, and the only people you see are Nurse Potts, and the other nurse (whose name is Nurse Lewis), and Jarvis.

It is definitely still the weekend though, Sunday, probably, because Reed is _right there_ (and not at OT). And he comes over, and he says, “Tony! It's awfully good to see you. I was getting worried that something had happened to you, and perhaps it was some more of Dr. Doom's machinations.”

Reed is being delusional again, but that is all right, that's just how he is. And Reed says, “Look Tony, look who is here.” And apparently while Tony was gone, Parker has gotten a transfer, because he's here too now. And Reed says, “Isn't this wonderful? Now we can all go to OT together.”

And then Rhodey says, “Well Tony won't be going to OT for a while, not until you get that bandage off, isn't that right, Tony?”

And Reed says, “Oh, that is unfortunate.” But Parker seems inclined to pitch a fit about it. And he says some things, he says, “...bastard,” something about Tony is a bastard, and “You can't be bothered to think about your _responsibilities_ , you are a _bastard_ , Tony.” And you know, there are times when you don't mind that sort of thing, but there are also times when you really do. And right now, Tony's hand _hurts_ , and he is still somewhat tired, from being in the sky.

And there are some people talking, quite a lot of them, and they are all talking at the same time. And Rhodey is saying something. He is saying, “Do you _like_ your transfer, Parker? Do you like being on Three?” And Reed is saying, “Oh...” Oh, and then something, and then, “That's quite enough, this isn't Tony's _fault_.” And Parker is still saying “bastard,” and he is saying other things as well, quite a lot of other, very loud things.

Then Jarvis says, “They're arguing.” He says, “Tony. Are you all right?”

And Tony says, “I don't know, Jarvis, I really don't know.”

And there is more talking, and there are people, and they are moving around in various directions. And then there is Rhodey, and he is saying something. “...Something, Tony... And maybe you'd better leave.” And Reed is saying, “...Outside,” something about the outside. And then Rhodey says, “No, he still has his grounds-pass, Reed.”

_Someone_ still has his grounds-pass.

And Reed says, “Tony.” He says, “Are you all right, Tony? Perhaps it would be a good idea if we took a walk outside.”

And Tony says, “I'm all right, if Parker would stop being jumpy.”

And Rhodey says, “Parker had better stop being jumpy.” He says, “I've got a seclusion room with his name on it if he doesn't.” And he says, “Reed, you're a good friend. Take Tony outside until this is over.”

And then they are leaving Three. Tony and Reed are leaving Three, and Happy is unlocking the door for them. And Tony says, “I'm all right. Jumpy people make me jumpy.”

And the sun is shining outside. And there is a little breeze, not a bad enough one that they need a jacket. And Reed says, “What happened to your hand, Tony?” He says, “What happened to your _hand_ , is Dr. Doom responsible?”

And the further you get from the building, the better the air starts to smell. And Tony and Reed go to the garden, and they sit on a bench and they smoke. And Reed says, “Dr. Doom did that, didn't he?” He looks at Tony's hand, at the bandage on Tony's hand, and he says, “Dr. Doom is vile, but I wouldn't have thought he'd stoop to hurting my friends.”

And Jarvis says, “Tony, are you all right,?” And Tony says, “I think so.” And it is _quiet_ outside, just some birds chirping and Reed talking about Dr. Doom. And the air smells like flowers, and Tony's still got practically a whole packet of Lucky Strikes in his pocket.

And he says, “Reed, you know, it wasn't Dr. Doom who did this.” He says, “I was at Loki's family's house, and I cut myself, and it's going to be all right.”

And Reed says, “Well Dr. Doom had better leave you alone. You're my friend, Tony, and heaven knows, I protect my friends.”

And Tony says, “I know I'm your friend, and you're my friend too Reed.”

And after that they stay outside for a while, and they smoke a few cigarettes. And when they go back inside, it's almost time for supper. And supper is meatloaf and peas, and it does not taste awfully good, but Tony is hungry. And after supper, it is time for _Little Orphan Annie_ , and then medications, and then bed. 

And the next day is Monday. And on Monday, Tony _always_ goes to OT, only today he can't go, because of the bandage on his hand. And Reed and Parker go without him, and Parker says, “This is _your fault_ , Tony. We are going to have to have someone else, and they probably won't know what they're doing, and this is _all your fault_ , you bastard.” And then Reed says, “No. Don't start blaming Tony, this isn't his fault.” And then Rhodey says, “Another word out of either of you, and I'll call down and tell them that you're not coming.” And then they all leave, and the ward is finally quiet again.

And there is _no one_ there, not Loki, or Reed, or Parker. And Happy says, “There's Clint. Why don't you play cards with Clint?” But Tony doesn't want to play cards. And Happy says, “Say, why don't you go outside for a while?” But Tony doesn't want to go outside. And after a while, he goes and gets his book from the dormitory, and he reads for a while, but it seems that he can't get very interested in it.

And after a while it is lunchtime. It is almost lunchtime, and Tony is going to go to lunch with Three today, because he did not go to OT. And he won't get a knife, and he won't be able to pour his own coffee, because he is not eating with One, but Tony will behave himself, and he'll eat what is served to him, because they will be watching, and he doesn't want to lose privileges.

And then someone comes into the dayroom. Loki comes in, and Uncle Theo and Aunt Josie come with him. And Aunt Josie comes over to Tony, and she says, “Tony, are you all right?” She says, “Are you all right Tony, because Loki was worried.” And she also says, “I brought you some cookies, because you missed dinner the other night.”

And Uncle Theo says, “We're awfully sorry you had to leave early, Tony. You'll have to come again. Would you like to do that, Tony?”

And Jarvis says, “Speak up for yourself, Tony. Tell him you don't want to go.” But you know, Tony doesn't _know_ if he would like to go again. There were some awfully nice things about Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo's house. That dinner Aunt Josie made certainly did smell good, and perhaps he would like to sit on one of those chaise longues in the back yard for a while. And Jarvis says, “Tell them,” he says, “Tell them, Tony.”

Then Happy says, “Well Nurse Potts says you can have another weekend-pass if you want one. She thinks some time away from Whittier would be good for you.”

And Tony says, “I don't know, but I will certainly think about it.”

And you know, what's funny, is that Loki is _right there_. He is right there, behind Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo, but he has _not_ come over to talk to Tony yet. He's looking at him, but he has not come over.

And Tony goes over to him, and he says, “Loki, how was your visit,” because this is a polite thing to say. And then when Loki doesn't answer, he takes out his pack of Luckies and offers him one, because it's always a friendly gesture, to offer another fellow a cigarette.

And Loki says, “No thank you, I have my own.” And then he says, “How many times do I have to tell you, Tony, don't give away all your cigarettes.” And then... Then there are tears in Loki's eyes. – There are _tears_ , in Loki's _eyes_. – And Loki grabs hold of Tony, and he says, “Tony, are you all right? It's _my fault_ , I should have watched out for you better.”

And Loki's _hands_ are on Tony's arms. No one ever touches him, but Loki's hands are on his arms, and his head is on his shoulder (and Tony can feel some wetness on his face, and it is Loki's tears). And you know, it's funny sometimes, what you will do when something happens. And it has been an awfully long time since Tony hugged anybody, not since Maria ~~( _Mother_ )~~ used to visit, and she never visited very often. And you'd think he would have forgotten how, but now that someone's hugging him, it seems that it all comes back again. And Tony holds Loki very tight, and he pats his back, the way you do when you're hugging someone.

And he says, “It's all right, Loki.” He says, “It's all right, because you know, I always have Jarvis to take care of me.”

And Loki just stands there for a while. He just stands there, and his arms are still around Tony. And after a while, he says, “You have me too now, we'll always be friends, Tony.”

And Tony says, “Of course we will.” And he pats Loki some more, and he says, “This will all be all right.”

And after a while Loki pulls away again. He pulls away, but he just stands there looking at Tony. And then Uncle Theo says, “Perhaps we can take Loki and Tony into town for a little while, and get some lunch?”

And Happy says, “Well, I will check with Nurse Potts, but probably it will be all right.” And you know, it is all right. And Uncle Theo and Aunt Josie take Tony and Loki to lunch, and they don't get back until it is almost suppertime.

And Jarvis says, “You certainly have been spending an awful lot of time away from Whittier lately, Tony.”

And Tony says, “That's all right, isn't it?”

And Jarvis says, “Yes, it's all right.”

And you know, Uncle Theo's car still looks _just fine_ , there are no traces of the mess Tony caused (with the _blood_ ), none at all. And Loki doesn't say _one word_ about Jarvis, and he doesn't argue any with Uncle Theo, he is very good, the whole time they are out. And when they get back to Three, Tony offers him a cookie, and he takes one. And so do Reed and Parker, and Happy brings them all some coffee, from the nurse's station.


	21. Loki's Transfer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki gets a transfer. He's transferred to One, which is the highest ward at Whittier, and he doesn't want to say good-bye to Tony. But Tony is used to saying good-bye. A fellow says that a lot, here.

Well, it is May, 1940. Tony has an awful lot of extra time on his hands, because until he gets the bandage off his hand, he can't go to OT with Reed and Parker. And he goes by the nurse's station just about every day. He goes, because you never know when a fellow might be up for a transfer, and it helps when you show a good orientation with reality. And the calendar says, May, and it has a pretty picture of a woman with long legs, sitting on a fence (this is called a cheesecake picture). And first, it is May 20th (that's the day when Loki gets back from visiting his family). Then it is May 21st , and then is is May 22nd, and Reed and Parker go to OT (and Tony just stays in the dayroom). 

And he is sitting with Loki. They're in Loki's spot, over by the window, and they're smoking cigarettes. And first Tony offers Loki one of his Lucky Strikes. And Loki says, “ _Don't_.” He says, “I have plenty of my own, you know that." And then he says, "Do you want one?”

Loki is a Chesterfield-smoker. Everyone knows, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, and Tony still has almost a pack of cigarettes left, and he says, “I believe I'll pass, thanks. You know me, I am a Lucky-smoker from way back.”

And after that, they talk for a while. And Loki is talking about Princeton. He says, “Art,” something about Art. And, “Of course, Uncle Theo says that's not very practical.” And he says, “They want me to go back, Tony, I don't know if I can, I'm not ready.”

And Jarvis says, “Where are they taking your friend, Tony?”

And Tony says, “College, Jarvis, they're taking him to college.” Tony went to college. It was an awfully long time ago, and an awful lot of things have happened since then, but he did go, he _remembers_. He went to M.I.T., and he was an Engineering major, and they used to talk about what a bright future he had. Howard used to say, “The future is yours, Tony, you can do anything you want.” They would say that, and you know, the first year was good. After that, it got rather difficult to concentrate, and then the War came. And Howard used to say, “You need to go back, Tony.” He said that a few times, but he hasn't said it in quite a long while. Perhaps he would say it, if he were ever to visit again. And Tony says, “You should go back, Loki. College is a very good opportunity for a fellow.”

And Loki says, “I suppose you're right, Tony. I just don't know if I'm _ready_.”

And they smoke a few more cigarettes together, they smoke until Happy says no, he will not light any more for them. And neither of them says very much. And then something happens. And Rhodey comes over, and he says, “Loki, get ready, you have a doctor's hearing.”

A doctor's hearing means Loki is going to get transferred. They don't usually schedule a hearing unless there is a good chance you will get a transfer, and so Loki goes off with Rhodey, and when he comes back, he says, “Tony, they're transferring me to One.”

One is the highest ward at Whittier. If you go there, you are probably going to be released soon. And now Loki is going there. He is going to leave Whittier, and perhaps he will have an apartment of his own, and a key to let himself in and out, and a job. ...But no, because he said he wanted to go back to college, didn't he? He wants to go, when he is _ready_. Its is an awfully big opportunity to go to One, regardless, and when a fellow gets an opportunity like that, the correct thing to do is congratulate them.

And Tony says, “Congratulations, Loki,” and he puts out his hand for a handshake.

And Loki just stands there. He doesn't shake Tony's hand, he just stands there, and he says, “I'm not ready.”

This is what he's been saying all along, but Loki is ready. The doctors would not have given him a transfer if he weren't. And Rhodey claps Loki on his shoulder. He says, “You're _ready_ , don't you worry so much, Loki.” And he says, “What's the worst that could happen? If you aren't ready, you'll just come back here. Tony would like that, wouldn't you, Tony?”

People go and come _all the time_ at Whittier. A fellow never really gets to know someone, but what they are getting transferred, or released or something. You don't tell them you want them to come back. You _never_ say that, fellows are here because they're _sick_ , do you want them to stay sick?

And Jarvis says, “Loki is leaving? _Now_?” And he says, “Where is he going, Tony, is he going to college?”

And Tony says, “It's a transfer, Loki is going to One.”

And Jarvis says, “You'll miss your friend. Are you all right, Tony?” 

Tony is _all right_. He has an awful lot of friends at Whittier, for instance there are Reed and Parker, and they're just downstairs at OT right now, they'll be back after lunch. What does Jarvis think, that he'll be all all alone because Loki leaves? Anyhow, Loki is ready to be released, he needs to go back to college.

And Tony says, “The future is yours, Loki. You can do anything you want.”

And then Loki says, “What if I don't want to go?” But he needs to go, there is no future for him, here at Whittier.

And Rhodey says, “Well you're going, whether you like it or not. You fellows better get your good-byes said, because they're expecting Loki over at One.”

And then Tony says, “Good-bye, Loki.”

And Loki says, “I'll come back and visit you.” Fellows always say this, when they leave. They don't visit, because no one comes back to Whittier if they don't have to, but they say it, and then you say thank-you. 

And Tony says, “Please give my regards to Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo.” And he says, “Tell them I enjoyed visiting their house, because I don't believe I ever got to thank them properly.”

And Loki looks away. And he doesn't say anything for a while. And Rhodey has his arms folded, and he is tapping his foot. He looks rather impatient. But he waits, and then Loki turns back again, and he says, “Tony...” He says, “Tony,” and he puts his arms around Tony's shoulders. And his hold is _very_ tight, and he says, “I wish I could stay and keep an eye on you. What are you going to do without me, Tony?”

And Tony... He has Jarvis. Little Jarvis, up-in-the-clouds, he's so faraway right now (but not as faraway as Loki is going to be). Jarvis says, “Tony, your friend is _leaving_.”

And Tony says, “But you're still here, you'll always be here.”

And Jarvis says, “Tony, say good-bye to your _friend._ ”

No. There are sounds that are not sounds, and there are feelings that are not feelings, and you can get through the day, if you don't hear the sounds, and you don't feel the feelings. And Tony has Jarvis. _He has Jarvis._

And somebody says, “Tony?”

Tony says, “Jarvis?” But Jarvis doesn't answer, he is so faraway and so very, very small.

Somebody says, “Tony?” They say, “Tony?” And Jarvis is ~~(is _all he has left_ )~~, so faraway, he's so small.

And there are hands, and Happy's voice says, “Tony, are you all right?” Happy says, “Why don't you go outside for a while?” And that's a good idea, perhaps Jarvis will be there outside, waiting for him.

And someone ~~(Loki)~~ says, “Good-bye, Tony.” And all the people a fellow meets here at Whittier, and they come and they go. And sometimes they come back, and sometimes they don't. ~~(But there is only one Loki.)~~ And hospitals are for _sick_ people, do you want your friend to be sick?

And the sun is very bright, outside, and the breeze is blowing the pretty white clouds across the sky. And Tony goes over to the garden, and he sees that the rosebuds are all opening. He'll have to bring Reed out here, and perhaps he'll bring Parker (if he ever gets a grounds-pass). And there are birds. You can hear them calling in the trees, and sometimes one will come down on the grass and peck for food.

And there's Jarvis after all. And Jarvis says, “Loki is going to visit, Tony. He said he would, and I believe him.”

And Tony says, “Please be quiet, Jarvis.” He says, “Do you want me to pitch a fit, right out here in the garden?”

There is a path you can take. It's a nice path, with white pavement, and it goes all the way around the hospital. Tony walks the whole thing once, very quickly, then, when he's done, he walks it again, and after that, it is time for lunch.


	22. Tony's Hand is Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's June 3rd, and Tony gets the bandages off, and he gets the stitches taken out. And Nurse Potts says he can go back to normal activities, and that means he goes to OT again. And one awfully good thing about OT, is afterward, you go to lunch with the fellows from One.

Well Three is not quiet or lonely, with Loki ~~( _gone_ )~~ transferred, it is just fine. Reed is there, and Tony will talk to him. And Parker is there. He is for a while anyhow, then he pitches a fit in the dayroom, and they take him to seclusion, and he doesn't come back (and that probably means he is on a lower ward now). Reed's always there, though, and he can be interesting to talk to, and when he has OT, well, Tony can always play cards with Clint.

Clint plays Hearts, and it seems like he always has a game going. And Tony will go into the dayroom, and Clint will be there, and he'll say, “I'm skunking all the suckers. Like they say, there's a new one born every minute, hey Tony, want I should deal you in?” And he'll lend you cigarettes if you don't have any. And he will _not_ let the other fellows look at your cards, if you drop them, trying to play one-handed. He says, “We're pals, Tony. You and me go way back, I always do a favor for a pal.”

And May goes by, and then it's June. And the picture on the calendar at the nurse's station is a woman with dungarees and a fishing pole (and it's another cheesecake picture, someone on Three is awfully fond of them). And it's June 3rd (which is a Monday), and Reed goes to OT, but Tony can't, of course, because of his hand. And it is very quiet on Three, and Tony goes into the dayroom. And there's Clint, and he says, “Hey Tony, want I should deal you in?”

Well Tony says, “Yes,” and he is about to sit down, and then Happy comes over. And Happy says, “Tony, I'm taking you to the infirmary, you'll have plenty of time to play later.”

And they go to the infirmary, and Nurse Lewis is there. She says, “See Tony, I'm not always a meanie.” And she takes the bandage off Tony's hand, and then Nurse Potts comes in, and she says, “Well, you've healed up nicely, these stitches can come out.” She uses a scissors to take them out, but she doesn't cut Tony any, and if you don't look, you don't have to see the horrible black thread, and the places it goes in and out of your hand. 

And Jarvis is there, and he says, “You're all right, Tony, you are _all right_.” And then Nurse Potts is done. And she looks at Tony's hand, and then she says, “Good as new, you're awfully lucky, Tony.” And she says, “You can go back on normal activities.”

Well, they go back to Three, and it's almost time for lunch, and lunch is creamed chipped beef on toast (“Shit-on-a-shingle,” Clint says, but he eats it, and so does Tony, you learn to keep your nose clean, after you've been here a while). And then after lunch, Reed comes back from OT. And Reed says, “Oh my goodness, are you finally back on OT, Tony?” He says, “It's awfully hard, when it's just two of us working, and this new fellow, Bruce, that's been with me since Parker left, really isn't worth much.”

And they go outside. Tony and Reed go out (and Happy unlocks the door for them), and they go over to the garden. And the roses are all in bloom, and Reed says, “Someone should pick these, they'll keep blooming if you pick them,” but he knows better, and Tony knows better. Picking flowers is _strictly_ against the rules, it's the kind of thing that'll make you lose privileges right away.

Reed sniffs the roses, and he says, “They certainly smell sweet, don't they, Tony? And they are awfully pretty too.” It is a nice warm day, sunny, and with just a little breeze. And Tony and Reed find a bench in the sunshine, and they sit down and talk for a while. Tony doesn't have any cigarettes (because you won't, if you play cards with Clint, he always wins all of them), but Reed shares his Phillip Morrises, and they talk for a while out there. Reed says, “You know, these warm summer days, I really start missing my wife.” He says, “I haven't seen her around here, it's strange, because Dr. Doom is here.”

If Reed has a wife, that's news to Tony. And he says, “Have you got a wife?” 

And Reed says, “I have. Her name is Susan, and she lives in New York, and ever since Doom sabotaged my experiment, she has the power of invisibility.” 

Reed is being delusional, like he always is, but you know, it feels awfully nice, sitting in the sun with him, and a fellow needs something to talk about. And Tony says, “That's awfully interesting, Reed.”

And Reed says, “You should get a wife, Tony, it really helps a fellow to have someone in their life that they care about.”

And you know, there are times when a person can say something, and it doesn't really seem to mean very much. And there are other times when... ...Well, there's Loki. What was it about Loki? ~~(He's _gone_.)~~ Tony says, “I have my friends.” ~~(But not Loki, Loki is _gone_.)~~

And Reed says, “Friends are good, but sometimes a fellow wants someone closer.”

 ~~(And Loki hugged him, he hugged him, and he _cried_. And he said, “Tony, I want to take care of you, what are you going to do without me, Tony?” And Loki is _gone now_.)~~ Tony says, “I have Jarvis.”

And Reed says, “I suppose that's something.” Then he says, “Don't you ever get lonely, Tony? Don't you want someone real?”

Delusional people, talking about loneliness, should shut the hell up. Then Jarvis is there, and he says something. What's he saying? “Reed doesn't have anyone...” Something about Reed, and, “...Real people, at least you have Loki.” ~~(Loki is gone.)~~

Delusional people, and their delusional wives, and they keep talking and talking. And Reed says, “Loneliness,” something about loneliness. (And Jarvis says, “Loki,” he says something about Loki.)

And Tony says, “Shut the hell up, Reed. Your wife is _not_ real, she is a delusion, you're being delusional.” (And Jarvis says something, what does he say? He says, “AreyouallrightTony”.)

And Reed says, “Delusional is not a nice word.” He says, “You are going to make both of us lose our grounds-passes, and frankly, I don't want that, Tony,” and he goes away, he goes inside and leaves Tony in the garden alone.

And Jarvis says, “Tony, are you all right? Reed is very delusional, and he doesn't have a wife. You have me, and you have Loki.”

Loki is going home, he is going back to college. And Tony says, “Are you delusional, Jarvis?”

And Jarvis says, “Loki is _still here_ , he is on One, remember?”

And after a while, it starts to get cold outside, and Tony goes in. And it's almost time for supper, and he and Reed go to supper together (and Reed talks about Dr. Doom, he is still being delusional). Tony does not hold a grudge against Reed, for the way he talked out in the garden. It doesn't pay to hold grudges at Whittier, there are only so many people here for you to talk to. He goes to dinner with Reed, and they go outside together on Tuesday. And then on Wednesday (the 5th of June), he goes to OT with him.

And Bruce is there, when they go down there. It is nice to see him again, it's always good to see old friends. Bruce says, “I'm in Five now, but I think I will get a transfer soon.”

And Reed says, “I'm sure you will.” He says, “You have really been keeping your nose clean lately.”

Bruce says, “Probably they will transfer me to Three, with you fellows.” And he says, “Have they got a radio on Three?”

And Tony says, “Yes, but we don't have anyone who is good at fixing it.” That was always what Bruce was good at, was fixing the radio, and sometimes he would adjust it, and it would get other frequencies, and he and Tony would _laugh_. And he says, “Do they let you fix the radio on Five?”

And Bruce says, “Well no, but Three is an awfully high ward, I'm sure they will when I'm there.”

And probably they will, they did before when Bruce was on Three with Tony. And Tony and the others do their work together, and they talk some while they're working. Bruce and Reed are interesting fellows to talk to. And after they finish, they go to lunch. And you know, here is where things start to get interesting. After OT, they go to lunch with One. You have to eat with One, on OT days, because the work takes so long, and Three has already had lunch by the time you finish. And Tony and the others go to lunch with One, and they go into the dining room, and Loki is there.

Loki has just sat down. And he sees Tony come in, and he says, “Tony.” He says, “Come sit over here, Tony.”

And Tony goes over there. He sits down with Loki. (And Reed and Bruce come too, they sit down at the same table.)

And Loki says, “How are you, Tony? Have you been taking care of yourself?”

And Tony says, “What about college?” He says, “Weren't you going back to college, Loki?”

And Loki frowns. He always was one for frowning, and getting irritated, Tony remembers that about him. And he says, “I'll go if I'm ready, they can't make me, Tony.”

That's another thing that Tony remembers about Loki: He was always saying he would not go until he was _ready_. But Loki needs to get ready, he needs to go. There is no future for him, here at Whittier. And Tony says, “You have to go Loki.”

And Reed says, “Go? To college? Certainly you should go, education is very important.”

And Bruce says, “Of course I never went to college, but not everyone has my technical skills.”

But you know, Loki doesn't look at either of them. He doesn't look at Reed or Bruce, Loki is looking at Tony. And he says, “Anyhow, I can't go back until September, that still gives me some time to decide.” And he says, “How are _you_ , Tony?”

Tony says, “I'm all right, everything is all right.” And he says, “I hope you will give my regards to Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo, the next time they visit?”

And Loki says, “You can tell them yourself. They will be here on Saturday, and I'll ask them to go see you.” And he says, “Tony, why are you here?” And he looks at Reed and Bruce, now he looks at them, and he says, “Don't tell me you and your friends all got a transfer at the same time?”

Then Reed says, “Oh no. After OT, we always eat lunch with One, isn't that right, Bruce, isn't that right, Tony?”

And Bruce says, “Yes, oh yes.”

And Loki says, “Let me see your hand, Tony. Has it healed up all right?” And he laughs a little, he laughs, and he sounds awfully happy, and he says, “Oh Tony, it is _good_ to see you again.”

And you know, it's good to see Loki again too. And just for a little while, it's like when he was on Three, and they used to eat together. They would sit at the same table, and perhaps they would talk some while they were eating (but this is better, because when you eat with One, you get a knife to cut your food, and they let you pour your own coffee).

Loki says, “So, you eat lunch with One every time you have OT? How often is that?”

And Reed says, “We go Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and yes, we always eat lunch with One afterward.” And he says, “I thought you'd know that, didn't you see us go?”

And Loki says, “I suppose I wasn't paying attention.” And he says, “Tony, I will tell Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo to visit you, the next time they're here.”

And Tony says, “Thank you.” And Loki is there. He is _right there_ , and they're eating lunch together, like they've done so many times before. And you know, they're going to do it again. They'll do it on Friday, and then again next Monday (because Tony goes to OT three times a week, and you always eat with One after OT).

And there's Jarvis, and he says, “Your friend is here, Tony, that's good, isn't it?” And it is good, it is awfully good. And he says, “You know he won't always be on One, Loki _is_ getting released soon.”

Tony says, “He'll visit, Loki said he would visit.”

And Loki says, “Stop talking to Jarvis, talk to me, Tony.”

And Tony does, he talks to Loki for quite a long time. And it's interesting, because after a while, Rhodey comes, and he takes Reed and Bruce back to One. But he says, “You stay and talk to your friend for a while, Tony. I'll come back and get you later.” And they go to the dayroom of One, even though that is not Tony's ward, they go there, and they talk some more. And it is almost suppertime when Tony gets back to Three.


	23. Loki Goes Outside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It seems like Loki was never one for going outside before, but now he is, he really is. And Reed is usually very nice about going off for a while, so Tony can talk to him.

Well, it's funny, because you know, Loki never was one for going outside much, Tony remembers that about him. And it seems like after that first time, when they have lunch together, there he is outside whenever Tony goes out. And he'll go out. Usually he goes with Reed, Reed likes it outside. They'll go over toward the garden, which is looking awfully nice in this warm weather, and there will be Loki, every single time. He'll be on the path, or he'll be in the garden, because perhaps he got there first.

Loki will say, “Say Reed, you don't mind if I borrow Tony for a little while?”

And Reed will always say, “Hello Loki, nice day isn't it?” Reed is usually very polite. And he'll say, “Nice to see you out here, Loki, I didn't know you had a grounds-pass.”

Loki _has_ a grounds-pass. Perhaps the staff on One gave it to him, or perhaps he's had it all along, and he just didn't want to use it before. And Loki will always say, “You don't mind if I borrow Tony.” He'll say, “It is a nice day, and you don't mind if I borrow Tony for a little while, do you? Perhaps you could walk by yourself for a while, Reed?”

Reed is usually very polite, and he will say, “Oh no, certainly, that is quite all right, Loki.” He'll go off, and he'll do something. Perhaps he is talking to his (delusional) wife, or perhaps he is studying the shrubs along the path from a botanical point of view, because Reed has always had an interest in botany.

But Loki and Tony will go off together. And Loki will say, “There is a little breeze out here, isn't there?” And he'll say, “You should have worn your jacket, Tony, do you know where your jacket is?”

Tony _always_ knows where his jacket is. The staff on Three keeps it for him, and if he needs he he will ask Happy or Rhodey, whoever is on duty in the dayroom. Loki would know this if he had ever gone outside much when he was on Three.

And Loki will say, “Here, we'll sit here.” Loki likes to choose a bench in the shade, he is not much for sitting in the sunshine. And he'll say, “We can have a smoke and talk for a while. Have you got cigarettes, Tony? You haven't been letting Clint cheat you out of them all again?”

Loki asks this, because if Tony doesn't have any, he will share with him, and he knows his brand isn't Tony's brand. Loki smokes Phillip Morrises, whereas Tony is a Lucky Strike man from way back. But you know, since Bruce got transferred, Tony hasn't been playing cards with Clint much. And Bruce rolls his own, he smokes Prince Albert, and he never borrows from Tony. 

And Loki says, “You used to share your cigarettes with me Tony, remember?” He says, “I was such a cigarette-hog, but you'd always share with me, remember Tony?”

And Tony says, “We're friends. You'd do the same for me.”

Loki says, “I didn't very often though, did I?” And he doesn't look at Tony, he stares off across the garden instead. And he says, “I don't think I was a very good friend back then, was I?”

Loki was _always_ a very good friend. He has always been the most interesting person there is to talk to at Whittier, ever since he got here. And it's funny, because when he says that, it seems like it makes Tony think about what it would have been like if Loki hadn't been here, and how boring it would have been, and how lonely perhaps (even though he's always got Jarvis to talk to). And you know, it seems that's the first time he ever really thought about it that way, and there doesn't seem to be anything to say to Loki, so he just stays quiet.

After a while, Loki says, “I put the enrollment papers in the mail today, Tony.” He says, “I am definitely going back to college in the fall, only not to Princeton, not right away. The doctors say perhaps a smaller school...”

Loki is going back to college. Loki is _ready_.

And Loki says, “...Boston College.” He says something about Boston College. “Something-something... Catholic college, but they will waive chapel requirements. ...An added fee, I think.”

Loki is going back to college, because he is ready ~~(and Tony will be alone, he'll be _all alone_ here)~~. Loki has the whole future ahead of him, he could do anything ~~(and everyone leaves, Howard and Maria – _Mother_... – and Loki)~~. Loki is going to Boston College, and he will get an education, and that's a good thing, a fellow should always get an education if he has a chance ~~(but he will be gone soon, and Tony will be _alone_ )~~.

And Jarvis says something. He says, “...Loki.” Something about Loki. And Tony... ...And Tony...

And Loki's hands are around Tony's hands, he is holding onto Tony's hands quite tightly. And he is saying something. “Stop...” Something about stopping, Tony should be stopping ... _something_. He says, “Tony, _stop_. Stop Tony, Tony, calm down and _listen_.” And Loki wants Tony to listen ...to _something_ , and he says, “Tony, the doctors want me to come back here for therapy. I'll be here twice a week, and I will visit you, I am _not_ leaving you, Tony.”

And Loki keeps talking, and he keeps saying, “I am not leaving,” and he says, “I'm going to get a car, can you imagine me driving? But at first I'll be going by train, and I'll be here Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

And Jarvis says, “Your friend is leaving?” He says, “What's happening, Tony?” 

But Tony doesn't explain, Loki has hold of his hands very tightly, and he says, “Don't talk to Jarvis, Tony. I am _right here_. Talk to me, I'm going to miss you when I'm gone.”

It's a funny thing for him to say. Loki has never talked about missing anyone, _ever_. And at first he used to talk about Art, or he'd talk about Music. ...Or his delusional home in Asgard, my goodness, that was a long time ago! And then after that, he'd talk about... What did he talk about? Really, it's hard to say, but he never talked about missing anyone before, that 's certain. And you know, when people talk to you that way...

And Tony says, “Loki.” And that's all he says, is, “Loki,” and then Loki puts his arms around him, and he holds him very tightly. And Jarvis is there, and he says, “You can hug him too, Tony.” And Jarvis is making an awfully good point, it seems, and Tony does hug him, he hugs him, and his head is against Loki's chest.

And Loki keeps talking, and he is talking about Boston College. Boston College is an _awfully_ good school. It's a Catholic school, but they will allow Jews to go there too (or perhaps anyone), and Loki is a Jew, so that works out really well. And Loki is saying, “...Art critic...” He wants to be an art critic, and he says, “Of course Uncle Theo thinks that's awfully impractical, but I am going to study Journalism. Did you know you can major in Journalism here in America, Tony?”

And Loki keeps talking. And he says, “We're going down to look at apartments...” He and Uncle Theo and Aunt Josie are going down to Boston to look at apartments. And he says, “I want one with an extra bedroom, and it will be _your_ bedroom, and you can visit.” And he says, “I know you can get a weekend-pass Tony, if you behave yourself.”

After a while, Reed comes back, and he says, “I believe I saw my wife. I was walking around the hospital, and I think I saw her. She was wearing a nurse's uniform.” And he says, “You fellows are sitting awfully close together, are you cold?”

And Tony says, “No.” They weren't cold, Loki was just hugging him, and it seems like he forgot to stop for a while.

And Reed says, “Well, I feel rather de trop here. Is this a private moment?”

And Loki says, “No.” He says, “We'd better go in, it's almost time for supper.”

And they walk back together as far as the courtyard, and Reed and Tony go inside, but Loki stays outside for a little while longer. And Reed says, “Well, what were you two fellows talking about for so long out there, Tony?”

And Tony says, “Loki is going to leave soon, he is going to leave, and go to Boston College.”

And Reed says, “That is awfully good. An education is important.”


	24. Reed Pitches a Fit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well Reed's (delusional) wife does not seem to be giving him much comfort, and he pitches a fit and has to go to Seclusion. Tony only finds out about this afterward, because he was outside in the garden with Loki (and Loki was telling him some important news).

Well Friday is the 14th of June, and of course Tony goes to OT. He goes with Reed and Bruce, just like always. And Reed is being _extremely_ delusional, and he keeps saying, “Oh, I know my dear Susan is here, I know she is here at Whittier.” And he says, “I saw her. She can turn invisible, you know, but I saw her over on the other side of the hospital. Why won't she come visit me? What do you think has happened, Tony?” He keeps talking about his wife, who is not real, and is a complete delusion. And he says, “Do you think she is being held prisoner, Tony? Do you think that's why she doesn't visit? That's probably what it is, it is more of Doom's machinations.” And they go downstairs, and they do their work, but he keeps on talking that way.

And Bruce says, “That fellow is making me sick. Why can't he shut up about his wife?” 

And Tony doesn't mind, really. A fellow needs someone to care about, even if it has to be a delusion. But Jarvis doesn't like it. Jarvis wishes he'd shut up too.

And Bruce says, “If he doesn't shut up, I am going to smash him." Smash is not a good word, it's one of the Other Guy's words. But nothing happens, and pretty soon after that they go to lunch. And Bruce sits at a different table from Reed. He says, “I am going to have to smash him, if he keeps on like that, there is only so much a fellow can stand, Tony.”

But Loki says, “He can sit at the same table with Tony and me,” and he lets Reed sit down at the end, where they don't have to listen to him. And they eat lunch, Tony and Loki eat lunch together (and Reed is down at the other end of the table), and Bruce eats lunch at the other table by himself. And afterward, Loki says, “Well I would like to go outside.” He says, “I would like to go outside,” to Coulson, who is the orderly in the dining room at the time. “Would that be all right, and can Tony go with me?”

And Coulson says yes. He says, “Yes, certainly, Loki,” even though Tony should be going back to Three. Rhodey always comes after lunch, or perhaps Happy, and Tony _always_ goes back to Three with Reed and Bruce. But Coulson says, “You may go.” He says, “You may go, Loki and Tony, and say you other fellows, Reed, Bruce, would you like to go outside as well? You both have grounds-passes, don't you? I will tell Happy to look for you when you're ready to come inside.”

And Reed says he wants to go outside too (but Bruce doesn't). And they go outside, and Reed goes for a walk around the hospital, but Tony and Loki go over to the garden. And it is an awfully nice day, very warm, with only a little breeze. And the roses are still blooming, you can smell them without even getting close, there are so many of them. And Loki says, “You like the flowers, don't you?” He says, “Here Tony, let me pick one for you, I can see they make you happy.” And he chooses one of the red ones, one that is open, and very very fragrant. He says, “Here, Tony, let me pick this for you.”

And Tony says no. You should not pick the flowers, _ever_ , it is _completely_ against the rules, and will get your grounds-pass revoked for sure. Loki doesn't know these things, he was never one for going outside (until recently), and he hasn't learned the rules. If he doesn't watch himself, he could get stuck inside, without a grounds-pass (or possibly transferred to a lower ward). And Tony says, “No.” He says, “Loki, don't you know that's against the rules?”

And Loki says, “I'm so close to leaving now, I don't think it would matter.”

It _would_ matter though. Tony has seen people sent to lower wards, even when they were right about to be released. It's happened to him (he thinks, it is sometimes difficult to keep track of these things). He is _not_ going to see Loki lose his release, not when he is about to go to Boston College and have the future he wants (as a journalist, and possibly an art or a music critic). And he says no.

And Loki says, “Well all right, you don't have to get upset about it.” And he says, “But you watch out, as soon as I have the release-papers in my hand, I will come out here and pick _all of the roses_ and bring them to you, and possibly I will give some to Reed as well. He likes flowers, doesn't he?”

Loki is being very generous to think of Reed. He's not really Reed's friend, he is Tony's, and he's never seemed like to think much about people who aren't his friends before. And Tony says, “Thank you.” He says, “Reed will like that, probably.”

After that, he and Loki stay outside for a while. They sit there on a bench (in the shade, because Loki is not much for the sunshine), and they smoke some cigarettes together, and they talk. And Loki says, “Tony.” He says, “Tony, I have found the apartment I want, and they are holding it for me.” And he says, “I don't want to sign the lease-papers until you see it, Tony, and Uncle Theo is going to take both of us to look at it next week, he's already cleared it with Nurse Potts. Tony, you'll remember, won't you?”

Loki has found an apartment. And he says, “I want this to be all right for you too, Tony, and we'll go over there next Tuesday, we'll go right after breakfast. I don't want it to be a surprise, so you'll remember, won't you?”

Loki has found an apartment, and he wants to show it to Tony. And he says, “You'll have your own key, Tony, and you can keep it, and visit me on weekends.”

Loki is going to give Tony a key. To his apartment. And Tony can visit him on weekends (as long as he can get a weekend-pass). And there's Jarvis. Jarvis says, “This will be almost like having your own apartment, Tony. You can go out when you want to, and when you come back, well then you can lock the door.”

And Tony says, “What about Loki? How will he get in?”

And Jarvis says, “Well, he'll have his own key too.”

Loki is going to have an apartment, and there will be _two_ keys, and one of them will be Tony's, and the other one will be his. And Loki says, “Tuesday.” He says, “You won't forget, will you, Tony?”

And _of course_ Tony won't forget, this is an awfully big thing that is going to happen, and it is going to happen on Tuesday, right after breakfast. And he says, “I won't forget. Nurse Potts will remind me, or perhaps Rhodey, and Jarvis will remind me too.”

And Loki laughs. He laughs, and he says, “I suppose if I have you visit, Tony, I will have to have Jarvis as well. You must tell me what a warplane eats.”

Jarvis does _not_ eat, not in his astral-transubstantiatory body that he is in right now. Someday he will have a different body, and perhaps he will eat then. But this does not seem like an important thing to talk about, they can talk about it later. And they walk back as far as the courtyard together, and then Loki goes over to One, and Tony goes to Three (and Happy is right there to open the door for him).

And Tony goes inside. He goes in the door, and then Happy says, “Well Tony, you just missed all the excitement.”

And it turns out that Reed has gone and pitched a fit. He was outside taking a walk, and he pitched a fit. It was something to do with his (delusional) wife, probably. And then Bruce found out, and his Other Guy pitched another fit as well (probably about smashing Reed, because he wanted to do that earlier), and now they are both gone. And Happy says, “Poor Bruce.” He says, “Poor Bruce, he can't seem to catch a break, can he? But I think Reed will get another chance on Three. He usually behaves himself pretty well.”


	25. Loki's Apartment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some days can really be awfully good, and there are not very many things nicer, than going someplace with a couple of other fellows. Perhaps you go see the apartment your friend is going to rent, and it is a _good_ day, and everything goes very well.

The grey flannel suit was a gift from Howard. And it was the fall of 1936, when Tony got out of Whittier the last time, and Howard said, “Your clothes are in _rags_ , Tony.” He said, “With all I pay, you'd think _that hospital_ could take better care of you.” And he took Tony to Brooks Brothers, and he got him the suit (also a couple of ties, a blue one, and a red one with a foulard pattern). And after that, Howard took him over to the apartment in New York, but just for one night, the next day they went to Danbury. 

And it was funny, because then just the next week, they had to go back to New York. Because Howard always says, “You can tell a man by the suits he wears.” He says, “ _Never_ buy an off-the-rack suit, Tony, I can't stand the type of upstart fellow who wears those.” And of course, they had to go back to Brooks Brothers the next week, to pick the suit up, when it was ready. And Tony tried it on, and there were some alterations that had to be made. And they went to lunch, at a steakhouse, and then went back and got it in the afternoon.

Well, Tuesday is June the 18th, and Tuesday is the day Tony is going to Boston with Loki. And Happy comes and gets him right after breakfast, and he takes him into a dressing room. And he says, “Say Tony, you'd better get changed, you remember, Tony, you're going to Boston with Loki today?”

People are always asking if you remember things, and they usually don't give you a chance to say whether you do or not. And Happy brings out the flannel suit, and he says, “Here, Tony, this'll look just fine. See, Tony, you can hardly see where the blood was.”

The _blood_ is from where Tony cut his hand. Tony remembers, he was visiting Loki's family, and there were... And they had... He was _visiting_ , and then afterward, he had to be in the infirmary, and there was so much... And Jarvis stayed with him the whole time he was there, and then after that, he couldn't go to OT for _quite a long time_ , until they took the bandage off.

Happy says, “I think Loki's really learned his lesson, he'll take better care of you this time, Tony.” And he brings out a nice white shirt with some starch in it, and he gives him that, and the blue tie. And he stands Tony back, after he gets dressed, and says, “You look good enough to eat. That suit certainly has held up well. You can't beat real quality, Tony.”

And Happy gives Tony his hat. He says, “You can really be proud of Loki, Tony. Your friend is doing so well.” And they go into the dayroom, and Loki's there. He is wearing the same flannel trousers and tweed jacket as the last time, and he is talking to Uncle Theo. And Happy says, “You can really be proud of him, Tony, look how good he's doing.”

Loki is going to have an apartment in Boston. He is going to give Tony a room there, and a key so he can lock and unlock the door. And Jarvis says, “It will be almost like having an apartment of your own, Tony.” But this will _not_ be Tony's apartment. It will be Loki's, he needs it so he can go to Boston College and have a future. You have to remember these things, even when it's hard, because they are _important_ (and perhaps Jarvis is being a slight bit delusional here).

And Uncle Theo comes over, and he claps Tony on the back and he says, “Us men. It's just us men today, fellows.”

Uncle Theo drives an awfully nice green Chevrolet sedan, that Tony remembers from the other time. It is not new, but he takes good care of it, and he brings it around to the front of the hospital, so they can get in.

And Loki says, “Your old car.”

And Uncle Theo says, “I suppose you're going to get one that's completely different? Some European import or something?”

Loki is getting into the car, and he says, “I'm just starting out, I'll take whatever I can get.”

And Uncle Theo says, “Loki, you know Josie and I will help out, not to mention the money your parents...”

He says that, Uncle Theo does. He says something about Loki's parents, and Loki slams the door with a loud crash. And he says, “Don't...”

And Jarvis says, “Uncle Theo and Loki are arguing, Tony.”

But you know, some days are _good_ days, and things go better than you might expect. And after a while, Loki says, “Well, we don't need to talk about that now, do we Uncle?”

And Uncle Theo says, “Certainly not.” And he says, “Say Loki, look what the old man got. I took the car into the shop, and look what they put in for me!” And there is a clicking sound, and after that there is music.

There is music, _right in the car_ , and Uncle Theo says, “A radio in the car, Loki! Did you ever think you'd see that?”

And Loki says. “It certainly is a wonder, Uncle. What do you think, Tony?”

Music is playing, and you couldn't hear it any clearer if you were right by the radio in the nurse's station, back on Three. And Jarvis says, “I wish Bruce were here.”

And Tony says, “Yes, Bruce would like to see this.”

Well then Loki says, “Oh yes, _Bruce._ He's the one who likes radios, isn't he?” And he turns some dials on the radio. He says, “I don't want to listen to Rudy Vallee all the way up to Boston, you don't mind if I change the station, do you, Uncle?”

And Uncle Theo says, “Just don't break it.” (And just for a moment, Jarvis thinks there is going to be some arguing, but there isn't, there is not, this is a _good_ day.)

And changing the station sounds just like it does on a normal radio, indoors. And after a while Loki finds a station that is playing Judy Garland, and he says, “This will do,” even though Loki is really more one for your classical music, he's said that about a thousand times.

Judy Garland has a very lovely voice, and really a fellow could do a lot worse than just to sit for a while and listen to her sing, especially duets with Gene Kelly, who is a new young singer, and very talented. And how amazing it is, that you can sit in a _car_ now, and listen to the radio, just as if you were at home. This is the future that Howard used to talk about (and now Loki will be going to Boston College, and it will be _his_ future).

And after a while they are in Boston. And Loki's apartment is on a nice, quiet street. And it's in a nice white house with a chimney. And the landlady says, “I don't need the money, but I like the young people around, it keeps me young myself.” And she says, “How do you do, Tony. My name is Mrs. Comstock. Are you a student too, Tony?”

And Loki says, “Tony is like a brother to me, he is a dear, good friend, and will be staying here sometimes, on weekends.”

And Mrs. Comstock says, “That's fine, just fine. It's good for you youngsters to have an older person around, it keeps you steady.”

After that, they go upstairs. And Loki's apartment is right at the back of the house, and it overlooks a nice yard, with some flowers, and a vegetable garden. It is awfully quiet in there, you can shut the door, and you won't hear anything, no noises from outside, not even anyone in the house.

And Loki says, “See Tony, this is my room,” and he shows him a room that is _rather small_. And he says, “This is your room, Tony,” and he shows him a room that is also very small, but very comfortable, with a quilt on the bed, and a bureau with an embroidered cloth on it. And he says, “The bathroom's down the hall, but we don't mind that, do we, Tony? At least we won't have to share it with a whole ward, like at Whittier.”

And Uncle Theo says, “Well I'm still not sold on the kitchen arrangements. See here, you only have a hot plate and this little icebox.”

And Loki says, “She serves regular meals downstairs, she explained that to us, remember?” He frowns a little (and Jarvis starts to worry that there will be _arguing_ ), but then Loki laughs, and he says, “I am not much of a cook. Tony, are you much of a cook? I am sure this will be _fine_ Uncle, and besides, the price is right.”

He says that, and really, the apartment is fine. It is _so_ peaceful, and it is _so_ comfortable. And they go downstairs, and Mrs. Comstock has some papers for Loki to sign. And she says, “I'll hold the keys for you, Loki, and I'll give them to you in September, when you move in.”

And Loki says, “Two keys, isn't that right? One for me, and one for my friend?”

And Mrs. Comstock says, “Yes, two keys, that will be fine.” And she says, “Won't you fellows stay and have lunch with us?”

And Loki says, “Certainly,” and Uncle Theo says, “That sounds fine.” And they stay, and lunch is chicken pot pie, and a salad, and Indian Pudding for dessert.

And it is awfully good food. And afterward, Tony says, “My goodness, that certainly hit the spot.”

And Mrs. Comstock smiles at him. She has a lovely smile, and crinkly blue eyes (like a mother), and she says, “I like a fellow with a healthy appetite.” And she says, “I usually give the boys cold cuts in the middle of the day, but with you fellows coming, I thought I'd make something special, and it certainly is nice to see you enjoy it, Tony.”

Sometimes a day can be _awfully_ good.


	26. Loki Has to Leave Whittier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He _has_ to leave, you certainly can't live _here_ , and go to college in Boston. But he _will_ visit, probably next week, he _promised_.

Well, the calendar at the nurse’s station says August the 30th. The picture, which has been up for an awfully long time now, shows a lady in a boat, and she has a very short skirt, and a very low-cut top. Really, they need to stop displaying these cheesecake pictures, which are _rather_ off-color, and could give some of the sicker fellows ideas. And August the 30th is a Friday, and of course you always have OT on Fridays, and so Tony and Reed go downstairs right after breakfast, and Happy goes with them. 

For a change, Bruce is there. It’s awfully nice to see him again, and Bruce says, “Well, I just got transferred. They have me on Five now.”

Bruce has Coulson with him, he’s on one-on-one right now, and he has to have an orderly with him when he goes somewhere. And Coulson says, “Bruce has been doing a fine job of controlling himself, we thought he could handle going to OT again.”

And Reed says, “That certainly is fine.” He says, “It’s good to see you again, Bruce, isn’t it good, Tony?”

And it is good. And Tony says, “Yes, it’s fine.”

And Reed says, “Old friends are best friends, that’s what my wife Susan says. She says, make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver, but the other is gold.” 

And after that, they clean the psychiatrists’ offices, and they talk some while they are cleaning. And they go to lunch together, just like they always do, they go with the fellows from One. And Loki is there, just like he always is.

Loki says, “Tony, I see you and Reed have a helper today?”

And Reed says, “Yes, Bruce is here, you remember Bruce, don’t you, Loki?”

And Loki says, “Oh yes, of course.” He says, “How have you been, Bruce?”

And Bruce says, “Well, the Other Guy gave me a good bit of trouble, but I am better now, thanks.”

Lunch is tuna wiggle and toast, and that is not one of the better things the cafeteria makes, here at Whittier. The good thing about eating with One though, is that you can serve yourself, you don’t have to take as much as when you are here with one of the other wards. And Loki takes four slices of toast. He takes the toast, and he doesn’t take any tuna. He says, “That tuna looks like vomit, and it smells like vomit too. Don’t you take any, Tony, I’m not going to.”

And Reed says, “Oh Loki, do you have to speak so disgustingly?” He does not say Loki is wrong, because he isn’t wrong, but he says, “Do you have to speak so disgustingly?” And he takes some of the tuna, as well as the toast. And Tony takes some of the tuna too, and Bruce does. People watch you here, you will lose privileges, if you don’t eat what is served. 

And Bruce says, “You’d better take some too, Loki.”

And Loki says, “Oh, I don’t think so.” He says, “Thank you for your concern, but I don’t think so,” and he goes to the table where they always have lunch together, and he sits down, and Tony sits with him. And Loki’s lunch is toast and black coffee. That’s all he takes, and it is all he eats, but no one says anything to him. And after he finishes, he says, “Tony, let’s go for a walk. Let’s go over to the garden.” He says, “Reed, would you like to come? And perhaps your other friend would like to go outside too?”

Well Bruce was never a fellow for going outside much, but he says, “Oh yes, that would be nice.”

And Loki talks to Coulson, and he says, “You will go with him, won’t you? Because I don’t think our friend here has a grounds-pass.”

And Coulson says, “Well certainly.” He says, “Certainly, just this once. It will be quite nice for me, getting paid to take a walk for a change.”

And Reed says, “Oh that is awfully good. It will be a red letter day for everyone, and perhaps you fellows can go for a walk with me, while Tony and Loki are in the garden.”

And Bruce says, “That will be fine, just don’t talk too much, Reed.”

And then _everyone_ goes outside. They all go out, and the other fellows go somewhere. They take a walk, or perhaps they go back inside. But Tony and Loki go over to the garden, and it is an awfully good day for it, warm, but not too warm, and with a little breeze, that blows the clouds away.

And they sit on Loki’s favorite bench, which is under a quite nice tree, a sycamore, or perhaps an elm tree, because Loki has never been one for sitting in the sunshine. And Loki takes out his cigarettes. He says, “Tony, have you got cigarettes?”

And Tony doesn’t, because it is almost Saturday, and besides, he has been sharing with Reed quite a lot lately. And Loki gives him one of his. It is always nice having a smoke after a meal, especially when you can share it with a friend. And they just sit together for a while, and they smoke a cigarette and then, when the first one is finished, they have another one, and they light it from the butt of Loki’s first one.

And at first, they are just quiet together. Then after a while, Loki says, “Say, Tony.” And he says, “You remember that I’m leaving in the morning, you remember that, don’t you, Tony?”

People are always asking you if you remember things. Tony _remembers_ : Loki is leaving, because he has to move into his apartment. It is almost September now, and in September, he is going to Boston College, which is quite a good school, only rather small.

Loki says, “Tomorrow is Saturday, and I am leaving because I need to be moved in, you remember, don’t you, Tony?”

And Tony says, “I remember.”

And Loki says, “Oh Tony, I don’t think I could have made it here, if it hadn’t been for you,” and he hugs him. Loki hugs him all the time, any more. You can get used to it. You don’t have to talk, or even think about anything, you just sit there quietly for a while and hug each other.

And it’s a _very_ long time, and Tony and Loki sit there, and they just hug each other. After a while, Reed comes into the garden. And Reed says, “Oh dear, I believe we are de trop. Mr. Coulson, Bruce, would you care for another turn around the hospital?”

Bruce says, “No.” He says, “I want to go in _now_ , it’s hard to concentrate with you talking so much, Reed.”

And Coulson says, “I’ll take you fellows inside, and Tony and Loki may come when they’re ready.”

But Loki says, “That’s all right.” He says, “We’re ready.” And he takes Tony’s hands, and he says, “Tony, don’t forget, I’m leaving in the morning, Tony, this is good-bye.”

And Tony says, “Yes of course, it’s good-bye, but not forever, you’ll be back.” Loki will be back. He promised. Everyone thinks you forget what they say to you, but Tony _remembers_.

And then Loki says, “Oh Tony,” again, and then they go inside. And it is still early in the afternoon, and Bruce goes to the nurse’s station, because there is a small problem with the radio, and they are going to let him fix it. And Tony goes with him to help, and Reed goes, and really, it is _rather_ crowded, with all of them in there, especially since Bruce still has to have Coulson with him wherever he goes. And after that, it’s suppertime, and supper is beef stew and Harvard Beets. And after that, it’s time for _Little Orphan Annie_ , and then medications, and then it’s time for bed.

And the next day is Saturday. Saturday is always the day they go to town. They go right after breakfast, in the old brown station wagon, that is not as nice as Uncle Theo’s car, but it has more room. And of course they go to the drugstore, and Tony gets a new Tarzan book, and several packs of Lucky Strikes (Lucky Strike means fine tobacco), and Bruce gets the new issue of _Popular Mechanics_.

And they eat at the lunch counter, because they _always_ eat at the lunch counter, and Clint gets a hamburger. Clint _always_ gets a hamburger. And he says, “Hamburg with onions, you can’t beat that. Say Tony, why don’t you get a hamburger too?”

But Tony gets a club sandwich and cole slaw on the side. And Reed says, “Oh, I don’t know what I want, it all sounds so tasty.”

Clint says, “Hamburg with onions, that’s the _only_ good thing they serve here.”

And Happy says, “You better get a hot dog, you can’t go wrong with a hot dog.”

And then Reed gets a club sandwich. He says, “That’s what Susan likes, I know she would want me to get the club sandwich, and besides, yours looks so tasty, Tony.”

And Bruce says, “Can you fellows just _be quiet_? How’s a fellow supposed to eat, with all this _noise_?” But he doesn’t pitch a fit, it’s a good day, and after a while they get back in the car, and go back to Whittier.

And it’s still afternoon. It’s just the middle of the afternoon, a long time before suppertime. And Reed says, “Say Tony.” He says, “Say Tony, I could use some fresh air, would you like to go outside?”

And Tony says, “Certainly I would.” It is an awfully nice day, very warm, but with a cool breeze, and really, a fellow doesn’t like to be cooped up indoors on a day like this. And he goes outside, and Reed goes outside with him.

And Reed says, “Say Tony, I suppose you will want to walk over to the garden?”

Tony _always_ goes over to the garden, when they go outside, and he says, “Certainly.”

And Reed says, “That’s fine, and I will take a walk around the hospital, and perhaps I will see Susan.”

And Tony goes over to the garden. He goes over there, just like always, and you know, there is _no one there_.

And there’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “Tony, your friend _is not here_.”

Loki isn’t there because he left today. He left, so he could get moved in, because he starts classes next week. Loki is going to Boston College, which is a very good school, only rather small, and he had to leave, so he could get moved in. Tony remembers, he did not forget, it is only Jarvis who is forgetting.

And Tony says, “Loki will be back, he said he would visit me next week.”

And Jarvis says, “Loki is _not here_.” Jarvis can be _very_ talkative sometimes.

And Tony says, “It is quite nice just to have some time to myself for a change.” And he takes a seat, in the sun, because he does not have Loki to consider. He takes out a pack of Lucky Strikes, and gets himself a cigarette, and he lights it from the butt of his last one.

And it is awfully quiet, sitting there in the garden. And Jarvis is there. He says he will talk, but you know, Tony doesn’t really want him to talk to him, not right now. He says, “Jarvis, can you please be quiet?”

And Jarvis says, “Your friend is _not here_ , I will talk to you if you want, Tony, because you must be lonely.”

Tony is _not_ lonely. Loki is going to visit, he said so, Tony remembers. He said he’d visit, probably next week. You don’t forget things when your best friend says them.

And Jarvis says, “Tony, are you all right?” He says, “Tony, you must be lonely, Tony, do you want me to talk to you?”

And Tony says, “No.” He is _not_ lonely, everything is _just fine_ , why does Jarvis have to talk so much? And he says, “I am _fine_ , Jarvis, please be _quiet_.”

After a while, Jarvis is quiet, and he is there with Tony, and Tony smokes some more cigarettes, and the garden is ~~very lonely~~ awfully ~~quiet, and _empty_ , and Loki is _not here_~~ peaceful. The sunshine is nice, and you can hear birds ~~(because it is _too quiet_ in here, because Loki is _not here_ )~~.

Some more time goes by. It is just Tony and Jarvis there in the garden, but that is _all right_. After a while, Reed comes back. Reed says, “Well, I think I saw Susan, but perhaps I was mistaken. I called to her, I said, hello, but she didn’t answer, perhaps I was mistaken.” And he says, “Tony, you are _all alone_ today. Tony, where is Loki?”

Reed has forgotten that Loki ~~(is _gone_ )~~ has left. He had to leave, because you certainly can’t live at Whittier, and go to Boston College and get a future. But Reed has forgotten. Poor fellow, he is very sick, and can’t be expected to remember things.

And Tony says, “Loki left this morning, Reed. He has to move in, because he starts classes next week, he told us, don’t you remember?”

And Reed says, “Of course, certainly I remember.”

Tony says, “Loki is going to visit, probably next week.”

Reed says, “Well that is something to look forward to, isn’t it?” And after that, he sits down on the bench next to Tony. And he says, “My goodness, isn’t the garden nice today, and so _quiet_!”

It is _not_ too quiet ~~(even though Loki is _gone_ )~~. But Reed is awfully sick, poor fellow, he can’t be expected to notice everything right.

And Tony says, “The roses are still blooming, and look, there are those yellow and white flowers as well.”

And Reed says, “Those are _chrysanthemums_.” He says, “Those are chrysanthemums, Tony, you know I know these things, Botany was always an interest of mine.”


	27. September

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> September begins ~~(and Loki is _gone_ )~~. And Tony is _just fine_ , everything is _fine_ (if only Reed wouldn't talk so much). And Tony _does not need anyone_ , all they seem to want to do anyway, is just to spread their sickness and their delusionality. And only Bruce seems to be all right, at least he doesn't talk so much.

Sunday is September 1st. The calendar at the nurse’s station says, September 1st, 1940. And there’s a new picture, and it shows a lady in a _tight_ skirt, and she is reaching up to write her name on a blackboard, and _various things_ show. Various, _quite unladylike_ things show. If Tony had a wife, he would _not_ want her to look like the ladies in these cheesecake pictures, which are really not decent, and probably give the sicker fellows _all sorts of ideas_.

Tony does not have a wife. He is not delusional like _some people_ , and he does not think he has a wife. Tony has never had a wife. There were some ladies, when he was in France. Well, they weren’t really _ladies_ , they were what the French call, “filles de joi,” or as Howard says, they were “women of ill repute.” Howard always said, “Tony, don’t go to women of ill repute.” He would say, “Tony, I understand a fellow has needs, but there are plenty of girls out there, Tony, perhaps a mill girl, or a girl from one of the shops. Don’t go to women of ill repute, Tony, those girls will give you _diseases_.”

The filles de joi in France did _not_ give Tony diseases. And he would go sometimes, when the other fellows went. He went there a few times. But it was always _very_ crowded, in the houses where they worked. And the music there was awfully loud, and then the President would be there, and he would be shouting, because the noise was so loud. And you know, sometimes you would look at those girls faces, and you could _tell_ they worked for the Hun. It was in their _eyes_ , and the way they _smiled_ , you could see they were working for the Hun, and taking your thoughts away.

And besides, Jarvis would say, “Tony, a fellow’s pay only goes so far. Why would you want to go to those women,” he’d say, “who only cost you a lot of francs, and will give you diseases besides? We’ll go out walking instead, Tony, that will help you concentrate.” And they’d go walking, and sometimes it would be morning before they got back to camp. And one time he couldn’t find his way back, and that was awkward.

Well, on Sunday, September 1st, Tony does _not_ go outside. This is _entirely his choice_ , a fellow doesn’t have to make the same choices every single day, it’s only extremely sick, extremely delusional people who do that. And Reed comes over. Reed says, “Say Tony, wouldn’t you like to go outside for a while?” He says, “Say Tony, it is an awfully nice day, wouldn’t you like to go outside for a while, and we can walk over to the garden, or perhaps take a walk around the hospital?”

Tony says, “No thank you, Reed, I don’t believe I would care to.”

And Reed says, “Oh dear, Tony, is that because Loki won’t be there?” He says, “You can walk with me, Tony, and perhaps we can ask Coulson, and he will take Bruce out too. Bruce is awfully good company, Tony.”

Reed is sick, and very delusional. Sometimes you don’t want to listen to people who are as sick and delusional as he is.

And Tony says, “No thank you, Reed, I don’t care to go outside, can’t you stop talking for a while?”

Some people _can’t_ stop talking. Some people think you want to stand there and listen to their sickness and their delusionality _all the time_ , and they _can’t_ stop talking.

And Reed says, “Oh Tony, you should _go outside_.” He says, “It’s not good for a fellow to stay _cooped up in here_ , you should go outside with me, and with Bruce perhaps, if he wants to come. It doesn’t matter that Loki won’t be there.”

And Tony says, “No.” He says, “No, go away, Reed,” but Reed _can’t_ go away, he has to stay there, spreading his sickness and his delusionality. 

Reed just stands there. He says, “Oh, Tony, come outside, oh Tony, it’ll be _fine_ ,” and some more things, and, “Oh Tony.”

And then Jarvis is there. Jarvis says, “Tony, it’s all right.” He says, “It’s all right to go outside, Loki said he’d come back, remember, Tony?”

Jarvis is also being delusional. He thinks this is about Loki, but it _isn’t_ about Loki, people just make different choices sometimes, that is _perfectly within their rights_.

And Jarvis says, “Oh Tony, you should _go outside_ , you know you will like it out there, and the _fresh air_ , and the _exercise_ ,” and some other things. He says, “It’s all right about Loki, because he is _coming back_ , Tony, he _said so_.”

_So_ much delusionality. And so many people. And they want to control you, _they_ want to make _your_ choices for _you_. And Tony does _not_ need them, he does not need Loki, and he certainly doesn’t need Reed. Tony doesn’t need anybody ~~(not even Jarvis)~~.

And there’s Rhodey all of a sudden. Rhodey says, “Tony, are you all right?” Something-something, and, “…Step outside, perhaps you’d better step outside, Tony.”

And Reed says, “I was just talking about going outside.” ~~(Reed is going to get himself hit in a moment.)~~

And Rhodey says, “Nurse’s station. Something-something… Magazine… A new issue, Tony.”

Rhodey is delusional. He thinks Tony wants a new body for Jarvis. Tony _could not care less_ about Jarvis, or anyone else ~~(especially Loki)~~. Tony _does not need anyone_ , Tony is _fine_.

Rhodey says, “Something else… A cup of coffee?” ~~Certain cups of coffee are going to get _thrown at the wall_ if they’re given to him.~~ Rhodey says, “I don’t want to see you get in trouble, you’ve been doing so good, Tony.”

You know what’s funny about “doing so good”? You are _still here_ , you are _still at Whittier_. Other people leave ~~(Loki leaves)~~ , and you are _still here_ , and all there is around you is sickness and delusionality.

And Rhodey says, “I know Reed can be annoying, but you don’t have to talk to him, Tony.”

And Tony doesn’t “have to” talk to anyone, Tony doesn’t _need_ anyone.

And Rhodey says, “Some coffee, Tony. Or say, how about if you talk to Bruce for a while?” He says, “I know _some people_ can be annoying, what say we go and you talk to Bruce?”

And they go into the dayroom, and there’s Bruce. And Rhodey says, “Say Bruce, why don’t you talk to Tony for a while?”

Bruce says, “I don’t want to talk to anyone,” and Bruce has his _Popular Mechanics_ , and he says, “I’m reading, I don’t want to talk.”

And Rhodey says, “You don’t mind if Tony stays here with you for a while?” He says, “Because Reed is being _rather talkative_ , you know how he can get.”

Bruce says, “He can stay.” He says, “Just don’t talk to me, Tony, I’m not in the mood to talk.”

And Tony is not in the mood to talk either. He stays there with Bruce for a while, then he leaves. And he goes back to the dormitory, and lies down and he sleeps for a while. And then he goes to the library, and he looks at the books. But none of them are _interesting_. And Reed is still in the dayroom, and he wants to talk.

After a while, Sunday is over. It’s suppertime, and then it’s time for _Little Orphan Annie_ , then medications, and then it’s time for bed. And Monday, Tony does _not_ go outside. And he does _not_ need anyone, ~~not Loki, or anyone,~~ and he certainly doesn’t need Reed, with all his sickness and delusionality. 

But Monday is the day you go to OT, and of course Tony _has_ to be with Reed, and he has to go to lunch with him afterward. And Coulson is there, he’s there with Bruce, and he says, “Say Reed, what say you sit over here. You leave the other fellows alone Reed, just for today.” And then Reed sits at one table, and Bruce and Tony sit at another. They sit by themselves, and their table is _very quiet_.

And then after lunch, something else happens. Rhodey comes over. He comes over, and Tony’s there, and Bruce is sitting there with him. And Rhodey says, “Say Tony.” He says, “Say, Tony and Bruce, Nurse Potts was just saying the radio could really use a look. Wouldn’t you fellows care to take a look, and perhaps fix some things?”

Bruce knows an awful lot about radios. He is one of the more intelligent fellows on Three (unlike _certain people_ , who are full of sickness and delusionality). And he says, “Well, it sounded all right to me last night.” He says, “Didn’t it sound all right to you, Tony?”

And it did, actually, as far as Tony can remember. And he says, “Yes, Bruce, it certainly did.”

Rhodey says, “It can’t hurt to take a look, can it? And there are bound to be things that need oil, or perhaps tubes that need fixing?”

And Bruce says, “Well radios don’t work that way.” He says, “You certainly don’t know much about radios, do you? But I know an awful lot, and I am teaching Tony.” And he says, “Say Tony, why don’t we do them a favor and take a look? And, remember when I adjusted the frequency, we got Chicago, remember? WGN, 720. And then Clint pitched a fit.” 

Tony remembers. It was _awfully funny_ (although the nurses were somewhat upset).

And Rhodey says, “Well, you fellows won’t do anything like that today, will you?”

And Bruce says, “Oh, certainly not.” He says, “What I don’t know about radios isn’t worth knowing, and I am teaching Tony.”

And then Rhodey says, “Say, you don’t mind letting Reed come too, do you?” He says, “He is feeling _somewhat bored_ today, because no one will go outside with him.”

And Bruce says, “Well, I don’t mind.” And he says, “Say Tony, you don’t mind if Reed comes?”

And Tony says, “Well, I suppose not.” Reed can’t help it that he’s sick and delusional. And he says, “He can come, perhaps he’ll learn something.”

And Bruce says, “But you’re my main assistant, Tony.”


	28. Loki Visits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well Loki visits on Tuesday, just like he promised. And you can't say Tony forgot he was going to visit, Tony _remembered_ , he is doing _fine_. And Loki is doing fine too. He talks to Tony, and he talks to Rhodey. He tells them about his classes, and he is doing fine.

Jarvis is there, and he keeps talking. And he keeps saying, “Loki is coming back, Tony, he said he’d be back on Tuesday, he _said_ , so, remember, Tony?” Jarvis is delusional. He thinks everything is about Loki. There are an awful lot of things on a fellow’s mind, an awful lot of reasons for him to be ~~irritable.~~ …There are _reasons_ why a man might be… Why he might…

It is Tuesday, September 3rd, and Tony has _not_ been thinking about Loki at all. He has spent his weekend quite well, thank you very much ~~(all _alone_ )~~. He has enjoyed the company of his good friend Bruce, in various activities of mutual interest, and he has also spent some time with Reed (who is not a bad fellow, although _very_ sick and delusional). If ~~they~~ Jarvis…

People who think that one can only do one type of thing: They are mistaken. This is a very common delusion. Men have more than one interest.

On Tuesday, a fellow does not have OT. Tuesdays are a day for ~~going outside~~ staying on the ward, and getting to know one’s friends. There are a plethora of things one can do. One can read a book, or perhaps a magazine. One can talk to one’s friends, about subjects of mutual interest.

And here it is, and it is Tuesday, and Tony has been talking to Bruce. Reed has gone outside. He went out an awful long time ago, and he said he was going to look for his wife. And it is Tuesday, perhaps the middle of the afternoon. And they have had lunch, and Tony has said that he does not want to go outside. He told Reed that, and then he told Coulson too, when he asked him. _Tony is quite content indoors_.

And Bruce does _not_ want to talk. He says, “I’m reading, Tony, can’t you go get something to read too?”

Tony can. There is nothing to read at the library, though, and there is nothing to read at the nurse’s station. This is not Tony’s fault. If people think he’s got control over what there is to read around here, they are delusional.

There is still an awful lot of time until suppertime, perhaps a fellow could try taking a nap. Only going to sleep in the middle of the day is _very_ difficult (it wouldn’t be easy at night, if it weren’t for the medications they give you).

It is a sign of insanity, not being able to sleep. Tony can sleep _just fine_ , only not during the daytime. Normal people don’t sleep during the daytime.

All of a sudden, Rhodey comes, and he says, “Say, look who’s here to see you, Tony.” Then there’s someone else there, and it’s Loki. “Say, look who’s here to see you,” Rhodey says, and then there is Loki. He’s here, because he promised he’d visit, Tony remembers that.

Loki says, “Did you miss me, Tony?” 

Loki is here because he promised he’d visit. Tony remembers that, you can’t say he forgets things, you can’t say he isn’t doing _just fine_ ~~(all alone)~~. And he’s here, and he says, “Did you miss me, Tony?”

Rhodey says, “Certain people have been a little _upset_ , since you’ve been gone.”

“Certain people” is a delusional way of talking. And it doesn’t apply to Tony, Tony has been _just fine_.

And Loki says, “Well, I promised I’d visit.” He says, “Don’t you want to see me, Tony?”

And Rhodey says, “Give him some time, he’ll come around. Gosh, it’s great to see you back, Loki, how have you been?”

Loki says, “Well, I wanted to take Tony into town.”

Rhodey says, “Give him some time.” He says, “Tony has really been missing you, since you’ve been gone.”

This is a lie. Tony is _all right_. Tony does not _need_ anyone.

And Rhodey says, “Here, you sit down, Loki. You sit over here, and tell us about your apartment, and what you’ve been doing.”

And Loki says, “That’s another thing, is I brought Tony his _key_. You remember, Rhodey, I said I’d give him a _key_ to my apartment?”

Loki did say that, Tony remembers. You can’t say he forgets these things.

Rhodey says, “Did you?” He says, “Oh, that’s just fine.” And he says, “Don’t you worry, Loki. Tony will come around. He’s been _just frantic_ since you’ve been away, honestly, there’s been times I’ve worried.” And he says, “How have _you_ been, how does it feel to be on your own, Loki?”

Well Loki says, “Oh Rhodey.” He says, “Oh Rhodey, you sound like my psychiatrist, are you planning to set out a shingle and take all his business?”

And Rhodey says, “Those psychiatrists don’t know anything us orderlies don’t. All they’ve got is a paper from some college, a lot of talk about Mr. Freud and them fellows.” And he says, “Say Loki, why don’t I go get us some coffee from the nurse’s station, Tony, do you want some coffee?”

And Tony says, “No,” or perhaps Jarvis does. And Rhodey goes, he brings back the coffee. He also brings some cookies. There aren’t usually any cookies, on Three, and these are molasses crinkles. That is a _very_ good cookie. And Rhodey says, “Here, Loki, here, Tony, would you like a cookie?”

Tony takes one.

And Loki says, “Oh Tony, are you all right?” He says, “I’m sorry I left, Tony.”

Loki had to leave. Loki is going to Boston College, and he is going to have a future as a journalist, or perhaps an art or music critic.

And Tony says, “I’m fine, Loki.” He says, “I’m all right.”

And Loki says, “Oh Tony.” He says, “I have missed you, Tony,” and then he’s over there, and he’s hugging him.

Loki is hugging Tony. Loki smells like Phillip Morrisses and coffee, and his arms are warm, and very, very tight. Tony thinks he might pull away. Tony is _fine_ , he doesn’t _need_ anybody. But then Jarvis says, “Tony, it’s all right,” and you know, perhaps Jarvis has a point.

After a while, Tony hugs him back, and they sit there for a while, and they’re in the dayroom, and neither of them says anything. And some time goes by, and Loki says, “Tony, would you like to hear about college?”

Tony says, “Yes.”

And Loki tells him, and it seems, classes start this week, and Loki went to his first class this morning. Loki says, “English 1, it is a very easy class, Tony.” And he says, “Tomorrow, I have Journalism, and Fine Arts, and World History.”

And Rhodey says, “That’s fine, fine.” He says, “It sounds like you’re doing really well, isn’t that fine, Tony?”

Loki was always going to do well. Loki is very intelligent, anyone would know that who has talked to him.

And Loki says, “Here, Tony, here.” And he takes Tony’s hand, and he puts something in it. He gives Tony a key, and says, “Here is the key to my apartment, just like I promised.”

And Tony says, “Thank you, Loki. You’re very trustworthy, everyone knows that.”

And Loki says, “Yes.” He says, “Yes,” and he doesn’t say anything more. He doesn’t say anything, for a very long time, and he doesn’t let go of Tony’s hand. And he says, “Oh, Tony.”

Rhodey says, “You’ll be fine, Loki.” He says, “Everyone is frightened when they’re on their own for the first time.”

And Loki says, “I’m _not_ frightened.” Then he says, “You and my psychiatrist, you sound just the same, Rhodey.”

Rhodey says, “It’s what anyone would say, we’ve all been young, Loki.”

No one says anything, for a long time after that. And Tony eats his cookie, and so do the others, and they drink their coffee. After a while, Rhodey says, “Say Loki, it’s getting late, were you going to take Tony into town?”

And Loki says, “Yes, if I may.”

And Rhodey says, “Certainly,” and after that, they go.

They go to the cafe in town, and Tony gets a piece of pie and some coffee, but Loki just gets coffee. And you know it’s awfully nice. They just sit there, and they talk for a while, and no one looks twice at you, they could be just anyone. And after that, they go to the drugstore. Loki says, “I know you Tony, you’re going to run out of cigarettes before Saturday, you’ll probably share all of yours with Bruce or something.”

And Tony says, “Well, Bruce always rolls his own.”

And Loki says, “I’m feeling generous,” and he gets Tony two packs of Lucky Strikes, and he also gets a can of Prince Albert for Bruce.

After a while, it’s time to go back to Whittier. Loki says, “Tony, remember. I’ll be back to visit again on Thursday, you won’t forget, will you Tony?”

And Tony says, “I’ll remember.”

Loki says, “Tell Jarvis to remind you. I don’t want to think about you missing me while I’m gone, Tony.” And he hugs Tony again, and this time Tony doesn’t want to pull away.


	29. Loki's Second Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki visits every Tuesday and Thursday. He visits in the afternoon, Tony remembers. And it is _good_ , spending time with a friend of yours, it is always good (although they may say things a fellow doesn't like).

Monday was Labor Day. This is a Federal holiday, when the post office is closed, and there is no school (and Howard always says, “Damned Socialist holiday, I wouldn’t have thought it of Cleveland, Tony, giving a lot of Socialists and god-damned Anarchists their own holiday. You vote for a Democrat Tony, you’re _throwing your vote away_.”). And Loki says this is why he didn’t have class on Monday. He says, “Well, I was there, and I went over to campus, Tony, but everything was locked up.” And he says, “It is awfully pretty, I’ll take you and show you, Tony. Gasson Hall, that’s the main building, and it’s just as pretty as anything at Princeton.”

It is Thursday, September 5th. It’s afternoon (because Loki _promised_ he’d visit every Tuesday and Thursday, in the afternoons, Tony remembers that), and Loki is there, and he and Tony are outside. They are in the garden together.

And Loki came. He came into the dayroom on Three, and he said, “Where’s Tony?” He said, “Oh Tony, it’s _good_ to see you, oh I have so much to tell you, Tony.”

They did _not_ go to town this time (a fellow doesn’t have to do the same thing, every time someone visits), but instead, Loki said, “Why don’t we go outside and talk in the garden?” And he said, “It’ll be just like old times, Tony. Why don’t we go outside and talk, and say, what if Reed goes with us?”

And Reed _is_ inside for a change (perhaps he was waiting for Loki too). And Loki says, “Say Reed, would you like to go outside with Tony and me,” and then Reed says, “Certainly, that sounds just fine.”

But Reed _always_ goes for a walk around the hospital when he goes outside. He says he is trying to find his (delusional) wife, and perhaps this will be the day she comes and talks to him, and then they will probably leave Whittier together. Poor Reed is awfully delusional. He can’t help it, it is his sickness.

And Reed goes for his walk, but Tony and Loki go over to the garden together. And Loki chooses the bench he wants, which is in the shade (Loki doesn’t like sitting in the sunshine), and they sit down. And Loki says, “Tony, have you got cigarettes?” And of course Tony does, Loki just bought him two packs on Tuesday. And Loki says, “Say Tony, look at this.” Loki takes a pack of matches out of his pocket, and he says, “Look at this Tony, no more bumming a light for us, no more chain-smoking.”

And he says, “I should give you these, Tony.” He says, “It can’t be fun having to go to the orderlies, every time you want a smoke, I should give you these _matches_ , Tony.”

Loki knows that matches are _strictly against the rules_ at Whittier. This is for a very good reason, because probably one of the sicker fellows would get hold of them, and he would set a fire. That would be _extremely unsafe_ , probably someone would get hurt (perhaps Tony), and so it is better for everyone if no one has matches, not even the fellows on the higher wards like Three. But Loki has never been a big one for rules, Tony remembers that about him, it seems like he has always been breaking the rules ever since the first day he got here.

And Loki says, “I should give these to you,” but Tony says, “No.” And then Loki says, “That’s all right, but they won’t know if you just use them while I’m here.”

And Loki says, “Well Tony, I have been to all my classes now, and really, they are awfully interesting, it’s just English 1 that is boring.” He says, “I wish I didn’t have to take it, but you know, it is important to be able to write like an American, if I want a job with an American newspaper.”

Loki could probably write like whatever he wants. Loki is _extremely_ smart, and _very_ talented and interesting.

And Loki says, “The assignments are quite silly. I turned in the first one this morning. Listen, Tony, they wanted us to introduce ourselves.” And Loki says, “Do you think I should have told them I spent the past year here, Tony?”

Loki was here. He was here at Whittier, and Tony will never forget when he met him, and he was the most interesting fellow on Three (but _very_ delusional, and you had to watch out for him, when he had a cigarette). Loki had a chance to go to college and have a future, that’s why he left. There are not many fellows here at Whittier who get a chance like that.

Loki says, “It was a year ago, Tony, we met a year ago, do you remember that?”

And Tony says, “I remember.”

And Loki says, “We’ve both come a very long way, haven’t we, Tony?”

_Loki_ has come a very long way. _Tony_ is still right here where he used to be, he is still right here at Whitter. And they’ll always say, “Tony, we can’t release you. Tony, where would you go, now that your parents are in California?” And it seems that they won’t let him get an apartment. They say, “Tony, that didn’t work before, Tony, be realistic.” And here he is, and sometimes it seems that he will _never_ leave.

~~Perhaps he could stay with Loki. Loki has an apartment. And he gave Tony a room, and a key. That’s _Tony’s_ room there, he could stay there. And he would be _very_ quiet. He would not bother Loki, not while he was studying (not even if the war got in). Tony could stay with Loki, and he could leave Whittier.~~

And Loki says, “You’re awfully quiet.” He says, “Just let me get settled, Tony. Right now I don’t know anybody, I’m just finding my way around.” And he says, “Be really good, Tony, I want to be sure you can get a weekend pass. I’ll take you to Boston for a visit really soon, Tony, probably next month.” And Loki says, “You can wait until October, can’t you? It’s just a month away, Tony.”

That is _Tony’s room_ there (in Loki’s apartment). How does it make sense that he should have to wait? People are always telling you that you’ve got to wait for things, and it’s never your decision.

Loki says, “Tony, I’d take you now if I could. Tony, my psychiatrist _said_.”

Loki has never been one for following rules (but now he is following this one).

And Loki says, “Tony, just wait and see.” He says, “I _will_ come back for you, Tony, you can wait, can’t you?”

And there’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “It’s _all right_ , Tony. Loki _always_ keeps his promises, if he says he’ll be back, he will be back. You _don’t_ have to get upset, Tony.”

And Tony says, “I wasn’t upset.”

And Loki says, “Aww, Tony.” He says, “Tell Jarvis hello for me, tell him he has to take good care of you. Please Tony, just hang on. I want you to be able to get a weekend pass when I come back, probably in October.”

And Tony… Jarvis says, “It’s all right, Tony, Tony, it’s _all right_.”

Loki says, “I could take you right now.” He says, “I’m sure I could sneak you out, but that would be breaking the rules, what would they do when they caught us, Tony?”

Loki has never been one for following the rules, until now.

Jarvis says, “They’d put Loki _right back in Whittier_ , wouldn’t they, Tony?” He says, “You wouldn’t want that, would you?”

Tony doesn’t. He _doesn't._ And there are noises coming, there are all kinds of noises. And some of them are war-noises, and it seems like they have never been louder. And Tony says, “I want to go inside.” Why don’t they go inside?

Loki says, “All right.” His voice is far and wee, and he says, “All right,” and the noises are so loud, they are so _very_ loud. Why won’t the noises go away?

Loki says, “Tony, are you all right?” He says, “Please be all right, Tony, please be all right.”

And Jarvis says, “It’s all right, Tony, it’s all right.” And Tony…

Tony says, “I want to go inside,” and then they go inside. And he says, “I can wait, it’s all right, Loki.” It is _always_ Tony who has to wait, it is _never_ anyone else (and why are the noises so loud, the war-noises?).

And Loki says, “I’m sorry, Tony.” But they’re inside now. Rhodey says, “Tony will be fine, Loki.” He says, “Don’t you worry, Tony will be fine.” (It is _always_ his job to be fine, and it is _never_ anyone else’s. Why?) And then Loki is gone, and there is an awful lot of noise and commotion. But Tony doesn’t go to Seclusion. He settles down, and he behaves himself. Tony has _learned_ to keep his nose clean, thank you very much.


	30. Jarvis Has an Idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Jarvis's idea, but it makes awfully good sense. Because of course Loki can't have Tony visit, a fellow has to get settled himself, before he can have a lot of people visiting. But perhaps Howard would come and rent Tony an apartment of his own, perhaps he'd do it, if Tony were to write and ask.

Well it’s Tuesday. And it’s the 10th of September, and there’s a nice nip in the air. Happy comes in, and he says, “Nice nip in the air, gonna have to start raking those leaves again soon.” And a fellow does _not_ go to OT on Tuesdays, and Reed says, “Well, no OT today, say Tony, is Loki coming again? Because if he is, perhaps I’ll wait and go outside with you fellows.”

Loki has _promised_ he would visit, every Tuesday and Thursday, because Loki has been released from Whittier. He was here, but now he is in Boston, going to college. And he visited last Tuesday, and he visited last Thursday as well. He came in the afternoon, and he said, “My English 1 class is in the morning, Tony, and then I have to see my psychiatrist, and then after that I’ll come visit you.” Loki keeps his promises. He’ll be here.

And Reed says, “Perhaps I’ll wait and go outside with you fellows. What time is Loki coming, Tony?”

Then Rhodey says, “He’ll be here in the afternoon. If you want to go out now, Reed, maybe you better go.”

And then Reed goes outside. He says, “It’s a nice morning, and perhaps I’ll meet my dear wife Susan, and we’ll take a walk together.”

Rhodey says, “Fine, you do that, Reed. Here, you better wear your jacket, it’s chilly outside.”

And Loki comes in the afternoon, just like he promised. And first there’s lunch. Lunch is American Chop Suey. It does not taste very good, and the noodles are soft, and very slimy, but Tony eats it anyhow. You should always eat what they give you, here at Whittier. And Reed is back inside by then, and he and Tony talk some after lunch. And then Loki comes, and the clock on the wall says, 3:00 PM.

Loki is wearing a nice tweed jacket. He says, “Say, Tony, do you want to go outside?” And he says, “You’d better wear your jacket too, Tony, the breeze is a little cool.”

And Reed says, “Certainly you should wear it, Tony. I was out before, and it was _rather chilly_.” He says, “I saw Susan down at the south end where the low wards are, and she was wearing a pretty jacket with a blue fox collar.” Reed is very delusional. He always thinks he sees his wife, but it is only a delusion, Reed does not have a wife, as far as Tony knows. He is a good fellow though, and can be good company, when Loki isn’t around.

Loki says, “Did you, Reed? That’s fine, that’s just fine. I suppose you want to come outside with us? Well you’d better get your jacket too.” And then Rhodey goes and gets Tony’s jacket, and he gets Reed’s. And they put them on, and then they go outside.

And Reed says, “I think I’ll take a walk around the hospital.”

And Loki says, “Why don’t you do that?” He says, “Say, if your wife’s there, why don’t you bring her back and introduce us? I always like to meet a pretty girl.”

Reed says, “I might just do that, Loki.” And then he goes, and then after that, Loki and Tony walk over to the garden.

And the leaves on the trees are starting to turn color, and they’re dancing in the breeze, which is a cool breeze, like Loki said. And Loki says, “Well, it’s a little cool, why don’t we sit in the sun today, Tony?” Loki always prefers the shade, but today he says, “Why don’t we sit in the sun?” And so they do.

And Loki takes a pipe out of his pocket. Loki has _always_ smoked cigarettes, and his brand is Phillip Morris, but today he has a pipe instead. Loki says, “A lot of the fellows at college smoke a pipe, Tony, I thought it would be a good way to cut down on my smoking.” And he takes out some tobacco and he fills the pipe, and then he takes out some matches. And he says, “You’ve got cigarettes, haven’t you, Tony? I brought some for you, if you don’t.”

Tony _has_ cigarettes. Town day was Saturday, and he bought three packs, and he still has most of one pack left. And he takes them out, and then Loki says, “Here, why don’t you take these anyhow, only perhaps you should consider cutting down on your smoking too, Tony.” He says, “It’s not good for you, Tony. Too much smoking is _not_ good for you.”

Well Tony knows too much smoking can be bad for you. Don’t the ads always say so? And it seems like you can’t pick up a magazine without seeing it, too much smoking can be _very_ bad, it can irritate your throat, and that’s one reason why you need to pick your cigarette brand carefully. Luckies are toasted, that makes them better for you, and don’t 26,279 doctors say they are less irritating? And he takes the cigarettes, and he says, “Thank you, Loki. I’ll be sure to be careful.”

And Loki says, “You do that.” He says, “You’re my friend, Tony, I want you to take care of yourself.”

Loki is a _good_ friend. And Tony says, “I will, Loki. I’ll take good care of myself, and of course Jarvis will watch out for me too.” And he says, “How about you, Loki? How do you like college?”

Loki says he likes it fine. He says, “It’s awfully small, after Princeton, but that just means you can get to know the professors better, doesn’t it?” And he says he likes it fine, only it is a very religious school. He says, “A fellow tried to convert me the other day, how about that, Tony?” And he says he likes it fine, only there seems to be some prejudice there. Loki says, “Of course the fellows there are all right, but they don’t seem to like Jews very much. I was thinking about going back to Levinson, because that’s Father and Mother’s name, but now I don’t know, even Odinson draws attention.”

Loki is a Jew. And it is terrible, but some people don’t seem to like Jews very much. Tony’s seen it, for instance, Howard is _quite_ prejudiced. Howard calls them the Chosen People, and he’ll say, “Be careful of the _Chosen People_ , Tony. I’ll never join a club or a business organization, if they let any of the _Chosen People_ in.”

And Loki says, “It’s only a few fellows who are really prejudiced, anyhow.” He says, “The others are fine, and the professors are fine, and I’m learning a lot in my classes.” And he says, “Mrs. Comstock is nice, you remember meeting her, don’t you, Tony? And the other fellows living with me are all very nice, and it’s awfully nice having an apartment so close to campus.”

Loki has an apartment. It’s an awfully nice apartment, he showed it to Tony one time. ~~And he gave Tony a room there, and he gave him a key.~~

And Loki says, “I haven’t forgotten, Tony. I’m going to have you for a weekend visit very soon, just let me get settled.” And he says, “Oh Tony, there’s so much work, I feel like I’m always studying, Tony.”

~~Loki _gave_ Tony a room in his apartment. He _promised_ he would bring him for a weekend visit, but he hasn’t yet, and who knows when it will happen?~~

And it seems that Jarvis is there, and Jarvis says, “Perhaps Howard could come and get you, Tony. He could rent you an apartment.”

Tony says, “Howard is in California.”

Jarvis says, “People travel, Tony. Perhaps Howard could come. He could rent you an apartment in Massachusetts, and you’d be close to Loki, and you’d be close to Whittier, in case there was trouble.”

Sometimes there is trouble when you have your own apartment. ~~(And Tony does not really want his _own_ apartment, he would rather share one with Loki. But perhaps Loki doesn’t want him.)~~ Sometimes it’s good to have someone close, and if Tony’s apartment were in Massachusetts, Loki would be close, and Whittier would be close too, in case things got really bad.

Jarvis says, “You could _write_ Howard, Tony.” He says, “Probably he would come, and he could rent you an apartment in Massachusetts. It’s all right that Loki can’t have you stay, because of course he is still getting settled, but perhaps you could write Howard to come and rent you an apartment of your own.”

And Loki says, “Tony, talk to me.” He says, “Tony, what are you thinking about? Talk to me, Tony.”

Some things, you cannot talk about with people. They will _always_ think you’re delusional, and then there’ll be trouble. Jarvis is making an awful lot of sense, though. Tony can’t get a release, because Howard’s not here to watch out for him. But now there’s someone else here, Loki’s here, and he could watch out for him. Tony could have his own apartment, and it would be here in Massachusetts. It would be _his own apartment_ , and he’d have the only key, and he could lock everyone out if he wanted to.

And Loki says, “What are you thinking about? Tony, talk to me.”

And Tony says, “It’s all right, Loki.” And he says, “I understand, you can’t have me stay yet because you’re still getting settled, it’s _all right_ , Loki.”

Loki says, “Oh Tony, I hope it is.” Loki shouldn’t worry so much. Tony is all right. Tony can take care of himself (especially when _other people_ don’t seem to be doing a very good job of it).

And after a while, Reed comes back, and he says, “Oh fellows, isn’t it a _fine_ afternoon!” 

And they walk back to Three together, and Tony and Reed go inside. And Loki gives Tony a hug before he goes, and he says, “Tony, you take care of yourself, I worry about you, Tony.”

And Tony hugs him back. He says, “I’ll be fine, Loki. I know you worry, but I’ll be fine.” And he goes inside and he closes the door. And there are paper and envelopes in the library. A fellow can get those, and if he wants to, he can get a stamp from one of the orderlies. After Loki leaves, Tony goes over to the library, and he writes a letter, and you know, it’s the first letter he’s written to Howard in an awfully long time.


	31. Tony's Apartment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's just a matter of time until Howard gets here. How long does it take a letter to reach California?

Howard’s in California. And it’s been an awfully long time since Tony’s seen him. It’s been, oh, a year maybe, possibly more. And Howard visited… When was it? It seems that it was autumn. And he had ~~Mother~~ Maria with him, and she…

Then some things happened. You know, he wasn’t really in the trenches. That part was a delusion, it was brought on by sickness, but Tony is much better now. …Howard came (with ~~Mother~~ Maria), and some things happened, and some of them _seemed_ real, but they weren’t really. And Howard is in California now. He is living, probably at the La Jolla house, where they used to stay in the winters. Jarvis would say, “Well Tony, guess it’s time to pack up. The snowbirds will be flying south any time now.” And then they’d go. They’d take the train, and it would be a four-day trip, and Tony could pick what he wanted in the dining car. (There’s one thing anyhow: _Tony has Jarvis._ Whoever Howard’s got now, he won’t be as good, he won’t be a friend.)

Well, when you send a letter to California, you have to expect it to take a while to get there. It’ll take, oh, perhaps a week (even though the postal service is very quick). And then after that, there’s the time it’ll take for the answer to get here. And Howard has _never_ answered his personal mail, he _always_ gives it to his secretary, or perhaps he dictates. (And what is he dictating? What is he telling her to write? It’s a four-day trip east by train, but perhaps he is taking a plane. There are several fine choices for transcontinental travel, and they can get you across the country in less than a day, and you can even enjoy a delicious meal in the air. Perhaps Howard is flying by TWA, or possibly United, and he’ll be here _very_ soon, and he’ll get Tony an apartment.)

And it’ll be… Oh, morning, probably. Howard always comes in the morning. And Tony will come into the dayroom, possibly after breakfast. Rhodey will say, “Well Tony, we’ve got you all packed, come get changed Tony, you’re leaving. You have to change of course, because you don’t wear you’re your street clothes at Whittier. The clothes you wear here would look down-at-the-heel, even at the most casual resort probably, and that’s because the sicker fellows, well, they don’t notice, and the rest of you want to keep your good clothes for when you go home. And he’ll come in one morning, and Howard will be there. He’ll take Tony out to the car, and the driver will put his luggage in the trunk. And perhaps he’ll let Tony stay with him and ~~Mother~~ Maria for the night at their place, before they go get an apartment.

No, he won’t do that. Howard lives in California. It’ll be just the apartment, then.

Howard will come. Probably he’ll say, “They say you’re better now, Tony, I have to say, I don’t see it. You seem just the same to me, but I suppose they know.” And they’ll drive to the apartment. – In Massachusetts, right here in Massachusetts. Tony is _being_ realistic. He doesn’t want to live in New York, or Danbury ~~(or California, where Mother is)~~. Tony _knows better than that._ – And Howard will say, “Stop woolgathering, Tony, pay attention when I talk to you, Tony,” and they’ll go to the apartment ( _in Massachusetts_ ). Howard will say, “Wait here, Tony,” and probably that will be in a sitting room, or perhaps a parlor, and then he and the landlady will iron out all the details.

Perhaps Howard will find him a job too. And he’ll say, “Now Tony, I talked to a friend of mine, I told him all about you, and he’s got a place for you, Tony.” A job is a big responsibility. You have to look professional, which means a pressed shirt, and shoes with some shine on them, and you have always got to be there on time. “Something quiet,” Howard will say. “Something that’s not too difficult.” And it’ll be… Oh, it’s been so many different jobs. There was the bookstore. And there was the notions store, and… Where was it that he worked in the storeroom? Oh, and then there was the office. It was a law office, wasn’t it? And he worked in the mailroom. And Howard always says, “Do your best, Tony, for God’s sake, I’m tired of getting complaints.” But you know, even when you do your best, it’s not easy to keep track of everything (and sometimes the War gets in).

So Tony sent the letter. It was either on a Tuesday or a Thursday, because Loki visited that day. Loki _always_ visits on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and first he’ll go to his English 1 class in the morning, and then he’ll take the train out from Boston. Then he’ll see his psychiatrist and then, well then he always comes and sees Tony. And usually it’s 3:00 PM or thereabouts when he gets here. Tony sent the letter on a Tuesday (or perhaps a Thursday), and it’s Tuesday now (September the 17th). That’s a week, isn’t it? That’s plenty of time for the letter to get there, and now all there is, is to wait for Howard to answer.

Perhaps he won’t even bother with an answer. Perhaps he’ll just come right away. Perhaps he’ll fly, you can get across the country awfully quickly these days, if you fly.

You know, sometimes a fellow thinks, why is it Howard _always_ has to rent Tony’s apartment for him, why can’t Tony just do it himself? Other fellows don’t have their father rent places for them, other fellows never have to do that. But probably Howard would say no, if he asked him. Probably Rhodey and the other orderlies would say, “Tony, that wouldn’t work, Tony be realistic.” Tony always has to be realistic, and that always means doing what you’re told. Sometimes it can get awfully tiresome.

And Reed says, “Say Tony, look who’s here.” Tony was just sitting there. He was in the dayroom, and he was sitting, and he was thinking. And Reed says, “Look who’s here, Tony.” And sure enough, here it is almost 3:00, and Loki comes in.

Loki says, “Tony, you look well.” He comes over, and he gives Tony a hug, and he says, “You look well, Tony, oh and say here’s Reed. How are you today, Reed?”

And Reed says, “I am very well, thank you for asking Loki. How are you?”

And Loki says, “I’m well, only I seem to be getting a slight cold. You’d better not come too close, Tony, I don’t want you to catch it.”

Then Happy says, “You better gargle with some salt water before you leave, Loki. We don’t want our prize pupil getting sick.”

And Rhodey says, “You want me to go get a gargle from Nurse Potts?”

But Loki says, “ _Salt water?_ The hot kind? Oh, uggh, no.” (Loki doesn’t have to do what the orderlies say, because he’s been released. He can tell them no, and there is nothing they can do to him.)

Rhodey says, “You must be joking, I thought all you fellows _loved_ that stuff.”

And Reed says, “Oh no, it’s actually quite awful. I know I don’t like it, do you like it, Tony?”

And then Happy laughs, and Rhodey laughs. People do that. They laugh at you, when you did not intend to be funny. People here don’t always have very much respect for a fellow.

And Loki doesn’t laugh. He says, “Well I’m not having any, and you shouldn’t either, if you don’t want it, Reed.” He says, “But if you get sick Tony, you’d better have it. It’ll make you better, won’t it Rhodey? Won’t it Happy?”

And Rhodey says, “That’s what Nurse Potts says.”

And Happy says, “She oughta know.” And he says, “Listen, if you fellows are going to go outside, you better get going. We don’t want Loki to miss the train back to Boston.”

And they get their jackets, and they go outside. Reed says, “Loki, are you going to Boston tonight?” 

And Loki says, “Every night, Reed. I have an apartment there now.”

And Reed says, “Oh do you? That’s good, Loki.” And he says he’s going for a walk around the hospital, he wants to find his wife Susan. And then he goes, but Tony and Loki go over to the garden.

And the breeze is cool, and the air smells like burning leaves. And the leaves are starting to fall, but there are still some flowers blooming, some yellow ones and some white ones. And Loki says, “Chrysanthemums, isn’t that what those are called?”

It is. – Tony thinks it is. – Reed called them that one time, didn’t he? And Reed has studied Botany. Tony says, “Yes.”

And Loki says, “It’s just the same in German, how funny.” He says, “Shall I pick you one, Tony? No wait, I’d better not. I’d probably get you in trouble.” And he says, “I don’t want to get in you trouble Tony, that’s the last thing I want to do.”

Loki is a good friend. And he doesn’t want to get you in trouble, and he _will_ come get you for a weekend visit, just as soon as he is settled in. (Only perhaps he won’t have to, perhaps Howard will get here first.)

Loki says, “I _haven’t_ forgotten about your visit, really, Tony, I know it probably feels like I have.” He says, “Just give me some time Tony. School is…” And he says, “My psychiatrist said it might be hard at first. You know how they are, Tony, they always want to treat a fellow like an invalid. It’s _not_ hard, I like to study, only it’s been a while since I’ve done it, and some of the fellows are…”

Loki is a good friend, and he would _not_ leave you here. It’s just that he has to right now, he has to get settled.

And Loki says, “Can you wait, Tony? Tony, are you all right?”

Loki is worried about Tony. You know, you don’t ever want to tell people too much. About your _plans_ , you don’t want to tell them too much, because they’ll worry, and they’ll tell you, “You are delusional, Tony, be realistic.” Only Loki is worried. Most of the time they aren’t worried, most of the time they just want to stop you doing things, you could do perfectly well.

But Loki is worried. “You don’t need to worry,” Tony says. “You don’t need to worry, Loki, I’m just fine, and say, perhaps I’m going to get my own apartment, sooner than you’d think.”

And Loki says, “What? Your own what?”

Sometimes you’re wrong about what people will think when you say things. Sometimes people get upset, or surprised. And Loki says, “What? How would you get an…” And he says, “Tony, if that were going to happen, wouldn’t the orderlies have told me?”

Sometimes people don’t trust you as much as they thought you would. You know, it doesn’t make sense to talk when people don’t trust you. You should just be quiet.

Loki says, “Tony, just tell me what you’re talking about, Tony, I’m not angry.”

(No, but he doesn’t trust you.)

Tony says, “It’s all right, Loki.” He says, “I just didn’t want you to worry.”

And Loki says, “It’s all right, Tony, I wasn’t worried.”

Tony says, “You have to get settled, Loki, I don’t want you worrying about me while you get settled.”

Loki says, “I wasn’t worried.” He says, “Was it a lie then? Tony, were you telling me a lie so I wouldn’t worry?”

Sometimes it’s easier if people think something’s a lie. People worry, and they can pretend they’re not worried, but you can always tell.

Tony says, “It was a lie, Loki.” He says, “It was a lie, I didn’t want you to worry. You can take as long as you need to get settled.”

But when Loki looks at him, you know he can see it’s not a lie. He can see something isn’t a lie, and the word for the look in his eyes is _doubt_. It’s not good to see doubt in your friend’s eyes (only sometimes it can’t be helped).


	32. Loki is Angry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something happens, and it's because Tony told Loki about the letter. What happens? It doesn't seem to make much sense (but Loki says Tony's going to visit him _this weekend_ ).

They go inside, and Loki goes over to Rhodey, and he says, “Rhodey.” He says, “Can I talk to you for a minute, Rhodey?”

And Rhodey says, “Sure Loki, sure.” He says, “What do you want to talk about?”

And Loki says, “What is this about Tony’s _father_? What’s the story, I want to know.”

Well there’s Reed, and he’s looking. There’s Bruce… Well really, everyone seems to be looking at them, really. Clint, and the other fellows he’s playing with, and everyone.

And Rhodey says, “Oh you know, Loki.” And he says, “Everyone knows, I thought you knew, but it’s not that difficult to figure out, is it?”

And there’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “They’re talking about you, Tony.”

They’re talking about Tony. And everyone’s looking at Tony (or some of them are looking at Rhodey and Loki). But Rhodey and Loki are talking about Tony. They’re talking about him, and everyone’s looking at him. And Jarvis says, “What are they talking about, Tony?”

And they’re saying, “It’s pull, Loki, do I have to spell it out for you?” (That’s Rhodey who says that.)

And they’re saying, “ _Pull_.” (This is Loki talking.) “I’m sorry, I don’t understand that word.”

Rhodey makes a gesture. He makes a gesture with his hands (money-gesture). Rhodey looks at Tony.

And there’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “This is bad.” He says, “Tony, this is bad, you don’t want to be here for this, Tony, let’s go to the dormitory, or perhaps to the library.”

And there’s Reed. Reed says, “What in the world is he talking about?” He says, “Tony, what is he talking about, what is Rhodey talking about, Tony?”

Bruce is there too. Bruce says, “They always talk about a fellow right to his face. Do they think we’re deaf as well as crazy?”

And there’s Reed saying, “What is he talking about?” And Jarvis is saying, “Tony, this is bad, Tony, let’s get out of here.” And Bruce is saying, “ _Your friend_ is always pitching fits, Tony. Why is _your friend_ always so loud?”

And Rhodey is saying something. He’s saying, “Incurable.” And he’s saying, “Of course his parents are big donors.” And, “Collins Foundation, that’s his mother’s side of the family, Loki,” and, “You know he should be in South Wing, because there’s no hope.”

There’s Reed. (Reed puts his nose where it doesn’t belong.) He says, “South Wing is where the low wards are. Tony, who is going to South Wing, Tony, do you know?”

Bruce says, “Nobody is going to South Wing.” (And Bruce is too close, too crowd-y.) He says, “Reed, can’t you make sense?” And he says, “Tony, why is your friend pitching fits? How did he ever get out of here anyhow? _Your friend_ is crazier than anybody.”

And Reed is nosy, and Bruce is too close, and there’s Jarvis, and he keeps saying, “Tony, let’s go, Tony, let’s go, Tony, let’s go.” And there’s something happening. – _Bad_ something. – People are talking about Tony. Loki and Rhodey are talking, and Loki says, “You know he isn’t like those fellows on South Wing.” –

_Tony_ isn’t. He’s talking about Tony. –

And Rhodey says, “All the fellows here on Three, they’re either still in treatment, or someone’s paying to keep them here.” He says, “If you’re gonna feel sorry for somebody…” –

_They_ are talking about Tony. Loki and Rhodey are, and it’s because he told, because he told about the letter. –

Jarvis keeps saying, “Tony, are you all right?” And there’s Reed, and he’s saying, “What is Rhodey talking about? Is someone getting a transfer?” Bruce keeps saying, “Nobody is being transferred, stop being so stupid, Reed.” He keeps saying, “ _Your friend_ , Tony, _your friend_ ,” and he’s getting angrier and angrier. –

(Somewhere that letter is still on Howard’s desk. Howard is still reading it, or perhaps he’s already read it, and he’s on his way across country. That’s still true, isn’t it? And nothing’s changed, nothing, just because of all this noise. Sometimes things work that way.) –

Then Loki says, “Who I feel sorry for is you!”

And Bruce says, “He is being too noisy, make him stop being noisy.” Bruce is getting angrier and angrier, Bruce is going to pitch a fit. And Rhodey says, “Listen, will someone see to Bruce?”

And Bruce says, “My god, all this noise,” and Rhodey says, “Someone see to Bruce,” and Loki says, “All of you here at Whittier, who only see us as patients, and these fellows are _people_ , can’t you see that, but no, you’d rather just put a label like “incurable” on them, you make me sick.”

And there’s Bruce all the time, he’s saying, “MY GOD THE NOISE.” He’s saying, “GODDAMMIT, THE _NOISE_ ,” and, “THE OTHER GUY,” and, “HULK HATE NOISE!” And there’s Reed, Reed’s saying, “I wish I could go outside, oh why can’t I go outside?” And there’s Rhodey, and he’s saying, “For god’s sake, Reed, just go outside, nobody’s stopping you. Where the hell is everybody, Happy, Coulson, can’t you see we have a situation here?” And Jarvis keeps saying, “TONY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? TONY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? TONY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?” And he says it very loudly, and he says it over and over, he says, “TONY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?”

And there’s Loki, he is right over there. Loki takes hold of Tony’s arm. And he gets Tony’s arm, and he says, “Let’s get out of here.” And Loki says, “Let’s get out of here, Tony, you still have a town-pass, don’t you?” And then they go, they are out of Three, and then they are out of the hospital. Loki says, “I’ve had enough.” He says, “You don’t mind, do you, Tony, and I’ve had enough, I just had to get out of there, and everyone just wants to put a label on you, they don’t look at what’s inside, they just put a label on you and they think they know you.” And they are moving very fast, and Loki has hold of his arm, and where is Jarvis? Where is everyone? Where are they going?

Then they’re in town. And they’re at the café, and Loki is saying, “For two cents I’d just take you home with me.” He’s saying, “My god, Tony, why do people do that? Why do they have to _label_ people. Tony, let’s go in here, let’s get a cup of coffee, Tony, I just need some time to cool down.” 

And they go inside. Loki says, “If anyone so much _looks_ at you…” And they go inside, and no one looks at them, and they sit down.” And Loki says, “I’m sorry Tony.” And he says, “Perhaps I overreacted, oh but Tony, they just made me so _angry_ , Tony, why do they do that? Tony, you don’t belong with those crazies on South Wing.”

Here comes a waitress, and she says, “What’ll you fellows have?” And the waitress asks what they’ll have.

Loki says, “Tony, you go first,” but Tony doesn’t know what he’ll have, things are happening, an awful lot of things are happening. Loki says, “I’ll get us pie and coffee, do you want pie and coffee, Tony?” And he gets them pie and coffee, and it’s apple pie, and the waitress brings cream without asking.

And there’s the pie, and Tony doesn’t eat it, and he doesn‘t drink his coffee.

Loki says, “It makes me sick.” He says, “They put a label on you, and they think they know you, and you have a better heart than any of them.” And he says, “For two cents, I’d take you home right now. Tony, do you want to go home with me?” Then Loki says, “No, that would be hard for you, wouldn’t it? Tony, I’m sorry.” He takes Tony’s hand, and he says, “I’m sorry, those fellows at Whittier, they just make me sick.”

And Loki is holding Tony’s hand. And they are sitting there in the café, and no one is looking at them, they could be just anybody. (And Loki is still very angry.)

Tony says, “Loki, are you all right?”

Loki says, “I suppose so.” He takes a breath, and he says, “I suppose so, Tony, I’m starting to cool down.” And he holds Tony’s hand tight, and he says, “I promise you, Tony, you’re going home with me this weekend no matter what.”

And Tony is going home with Loki. He’s going home with Loki this weekend, _no matter what._

Tony says, “It’s all right.” He says, “It’s all right, Loki.”

And Loki says, “Don’t tell me about your father, I don’t want to hear about your father, Tony. Maybe he’ll come. Why shouldn’t he come, you deserve it as much as anyone.” And he says, “Do you want to come home _with me_ , Tony?”

And Tony is going to go home with Loki. He is going to go home with him, _if he wants to._

Loki says, “Do you want to?”

And Tony says, “I want to.”

And that’s all, that’s all they talk about. And after a while, Loki eats his pie, and Tony eats his pie (but the coffee is cold). 

And after a while, they go back to Whittier. Loki says, “I suppose I’ll have to take the late train.” He hugs Tony hard, and he says, “I suppose I’ll have to take the late train, I don’t care Tony, it was worth it.”

And then Tony hugs Loki. He says, “Take care of yourself, Loki.”

And Loki says, “You too, Tony, you take good care of yourself.”

And Tony goes on inside. He goes into Three, and there’s Happy waiting for him.

Happy says, “Well, Tony, I was beginning to wonder if you’d ever get back.” And he says, “Look, Coulson, our prodigal has finally returned, say, what do you think Coulson? Did you ever expect to see Loki pitch a fit like that?”

Coulson says, “What was that all about anyhow?”

And Happy says, “I don’t know, something about Tony.”


	33. The Weekend Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Jarvis still thinks Howard is going to come, he's being delusional (but he might come). Tony has _better_ things to do than sit and wait, he's visiting Loki.

Jarvis says, “Well Tony, Howard’s going to be coming soon probably.” He says, “Howard’s going to be coming soon, and he might come while you’re at Loki’s apartment, what then, Tony?”

Tony says, “He won’t.”

It has been how long now, since Tony wrote to Howard? It’s been two weeks, perhaps three. Sometimes you lose time, and it’s hard to tell, but it seems like it’s been about two weeks now, and Howard isn’t here yet.

Possibly he’s not coming. This would be exactly the kind of thing he’d do. Howard has never cared about Tony, he may have pretended for a while, but he finally showed his true colors. Howard took ~~Mother~~ Maria, and he moved her across country, and Tony will never see her again. This is Howard’s fault (there are other things).

Howard has never cared about Tony. He only gotten him difficult apartments, and difficult jobs, places where things could get frightening. You ask him to come, and where is he? Every time you ask him to come, he never does, and you’re alone, and everything is on you. _This_ is Howard’s fault.

And Tony says, “You must be delusional, Jarvis. If you think Howard is coming, you must be delusional, and it is sickness, you really ought to stop it.”

( _But perhaps he might come._ )

Jarvis says, “If Howard comes, and you’re in Boston, how will he find you?”

And Tony says, “He won’t come.” (But he might.)

Well it’s Friday finally, and here’s Loki (who never visits on a Friday). And Loki says, “Tony, are you ready?”

Happy says, “We’ve got your houseguest all packed.”

Tony has his valise, and he has his overcoat (because it’s getting chilly, this late in the year), and he has his hat. And Loki says, “Say Tony, we’re going to take the train, it’s just a short trip, just a couple of hours.” And he says, “We’ll eat when I get you home.”

This is not going to be a short visit, Tony’s going for the whole weekend. And you know, it seems like it’s been an awful long time since Tony’s been away from Whittier for an _entire_ weekend. When was the last time? It seems like he visited Loki another time, and it was …oh, it was a while ago, and it ~~went bad~~ … 

That was when he visited Loki’s family, wasn’t it? And it was a while ago, and it… Some _bad_ things happened, is what happened, and Tony… And there was the _cut_ , from the sharp knife. But that wasn’t for a whole weekend, was it? That was just one night.

And before that, oh… Before that… You know now he thinks of it, Tony may not have visited anyone for a whole weekend, the entire time he’s been at Whittier, not this stay anyhow. Howard was never one for having people to stay, and who else is there that he could have visited?

It’s nice that his first time should be with Loki.

Well a trip to Boston is only a couple of hours, but of course supper is over by the time they get to Loki’s apartment. And Mrs. Comstock says, “Well, I kept some warm for you, fellows.” And she says, “Tony, I remember you, how have you been keeping yourself? And Loki, I kept some warm, here, let me get it out of the oven, it’s creamed codfish, you like my creamed codfish, don’t you?”

And Loki says, “I don’t like it.” He says that to Tony, not when Mrs. Comstock is in the room, and he says, “You Americans, you add cream sauce to everything, why is that, Tony?”

Creamed codfish is not really so bad. It’s better than what they serve a fellow at Whittier (and there’s Grape Nuts pudding for dessert). And Loki’s apartment is awfully nice. You can go in there, and you can lock the door. _No one_ can get in, and you’re completely quiet, if you want to be.

Loki says, “Are you tired, Tony?” He says, “I have some studying to do, but say, if you’re tired, you go to bed.” And he says, “Do you want to listen to the radio first, Tony? Here, let me put it your bedroom, oh, and here, they gave me these at Whittier, and Rhodey says you have to take them every night.”

Loki gives Tony his medications, and Tony takes them. You _always_ take medications, _every_ night. They help you sleep. And Loki says, “Did you bring your toothbrush?” And of course Tony did, he brought everything you need for a visit.

And Tony goes down the hall, and he brushes his teeth, and then he comes back to the apartment and he puts on his pajamas. And he goes into his room. Door has to be shut, because Loki’s studying. And he turns on the radio.

_Little Orphan Annie_ is _over_. It’s that late, _Little Orphan Annie_ is over, and when was the last time Tony went to bed so late? ~~(When he had the apartment in Danbury.)~~ There’s a program of dance music playing. The lovely sounds of Les Brown and his band of renown, coming to you live, from the beautiful Roseland Ballroom. And you know, dance music can be a very peaceful thing to listen to, but it’s ~~(not the same, it’s too different)~~ … What is it? …You get used to things, that’s probably what it is. A fellow gets used to things. ~~( _Bad_ things can get in, when you’re not used to things.)~~

Well it’s no matter anyhow, because those medications they give you at Whittier are awfully powerful. And it seems like no time at all goes by, and say, there’s Loki. Loki says, “Tony, let’s get you to bed.”

And do you know, the radio is still playing? And it says, “Station identification: This is WBZ 990, CBS radio, from Boston. Tune in tomorrow, for the morning news.”

And Loki says, “Let’s get you to bed, look at you, you went to sleep in the chair, Tony, aren’t you cold?”

And Loki’s still in his clothes. He’s still got his shirt and pants on, and even his jacket. And Tony says, “Haven’t you been to bed yet? How late is it, Loki?”

Loki says, “Oh not so very late.” And he says, “I had some studying, but it doesn’t matter. Tomorrow’s Saturday, we can sleep late if we want to.”

Here is one thing that is going to take some getting used to: You get up at 6:00 at Whittier. You _always_ get up at 6:00, _every_ morning. But you don’t have to think about that right now, and those medications are still working, and Tony goes to sleep.


	34. Tony's Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And he's been here one day, possibly two now, and Tony likes ~~his~~ _Loki's_ apartment just fine.

Well it seems like he’s been here forever, but it’s only been… How long has it been? A day, possibly two? No, it’s been _one_ day, because he came on the train on Friday, with Loki. They rode the train to Boston, and they came to ~~_Tony’s_~~ the apartment, and Mrs. Comstock had supper warm for them.

And then it was morning. And sunshine comes right in the window here. How long has it been, since Tony woke up with the sun shining right on his face like that? Well at Whittier, he’s too far from the window, and those windows could really use a good cleaning anyhow. They’re the mesh kind of glass, no bars. And the new fellows always say, “Oh, I thought there’d be bars.” And Tony will say, “This is unbreakable glass, see?” And if you look, you can see the mesh. But there’s no mesh here, there’s just plain glass. And Tony went and forgot to shut the blinds that first night, so in the morning, the sun came in and woke him up.

And the whole apartment smelled of coffee. There’s another thing a fellow doesn’t get in a hospital. Whittier’s an awfully good hospital, but it’s a _hospital_ , it’s not home. At _home_ , you can smell coffee in the mornings. And sometimes you can smell bacon. The house at La Jolla always used to smell of bacon. You’d come downstairs, and Jarvis would be singing “Ta Ra Ra Boom-De-Ay,” or perhaps he’d be singing, “Oh You Coon.” He’d look up and he’d say, “Morning Tony, you ready for some eggs?”

Well, ~~Tony’s~~ the apartment doesn’t smell like bacon, but it does smell like coffee. And Tony gets up, and he comes in, and there’s Loki.

Loki says, “I made coffee, do you want some?” And he gets Tony some coffee, and he says, “I have some rye bread, and some cheese. What do you like for breakfast, Tony?”

Here’s a question you don’t get asked very often. At Whittier, you get what they serve, and it’ll be oatmeal with lumps in it, or sometimes it’ll be eggs. (And Clint will say, “Powdered eggs, Tony. They think you can’t tell, but the taste is obvious. These eggs ain’t fresh.”) Loki says, “What do you want for breakfast?” And you know, you have to think about a question like that. When he had an apartment before, Tony used to keep some bread in the kitchen. He’d make toast (only you know, sometimes you’ll forget, and the bread will get moldy, sometimes you’ll forget for a long time, and people will say, “Tony, you’re so _thin_ , Tony, when was the last time you _ate_?).

Loki says, “I think I could make an egg, would you like an egg, Tony?”

Tony says, “Well perhaps I’ll have some toast, may I have toast, Loki?”

And Loki says, “I don’t have a toaster,” and Tony has the bread just cold. It is very _dark_ bread, and sourish-tasting. And Loki says, “Rye bread, it’s what we ate at home, I found a bakery.” And he says, “Here, have some cheese, do you want some cheese, Tony?” And Tony has some cheese, and it doesn’t have much taste, not like the cheddar Jarvis used to give him, but it makes the bread taste better. And he has some more coffee.

And Loki has to study after breakfast. That’s all right, you need some time to look around ~~your~~ the new apartment, and of course you haven’t seen the yard yet. Loki says, “Just give me until lunchtime. We’ll go out after lunch, and I’ll show you the campus.”

Tony says, “That’s fine.” He says, “That’s just fine, Loki,” and he looks around, he looks at everything.

And _his room_ is even nicer in the daylight. There’s plenty of room in the bureau, he could put all his clothes in there. What clothes does he have any more? Well, there’s the suit, and… They’re going to have go get out all the rest of them for him, back at Whittier ~~(and they’ll be _so surprised_ , when he says, “Pack those up, I’m taking them with me.”)~~. And there’s a white bureau-scarf, and it has embroidery on it, and there’s a vase on there, with some flowers, and a book called _Scenes from Old Boston_.

And the front room has a sofa, and a bookshelf with Loki’s books in it. And there’s a carpet with flowers, and a stand with a fern in it, by the window. And Loki says, “I’ll be done soon, just give me a little more time.” And he says, “I’ll be done soon, Tony, perhaps you could go for a walk.”

And Tony says, “That’s just fine.” You want to know what ~~your~~ the yard is like. And he goes outside. The front yard is very small, but there’s a back yard, and it’s bigger. And Tony goes back there. There’s a garden, and it’s got some vegetables growing, and there’s a tree with apples.

Jarvis is there, and he says, “Apples.”

And Tony says, “I’d better not pick any.”

Jarvis says, “Why not, Tony? This isn’t Whittier, this is _your home._ ”

Tony says, “It’s not my home, it’s Loki’s.” ~~(It is _Tony’s_ home.)~~

And Jarvis says, “Well, it’s _both_ of yours, isn’t that what he said?” He says, “You can pick an apple, there aren’t any rules against it, you won’t get punished, Tony.”

Jarvis says, “It’s awfully pretty out, today, and look, there’s a summerhouse.”

It’s a little cool in the summerhouse, but there’s a nice bench in there, and Tony sits down. He eats the apple. It’s very sweet and nice (better than rye bread and cheese). And he takes out his cigarettes, only who is there here, for him to get a light from?

And he goes inside. There’s Mrs. Comstock, she’s kneading some dough in the kitchen. Tony says, “May I have a light, please?”

And Mrs. Comstock says, “Oh, Tony.” She says, “There’s a box of matches on the mantel, Tony, if the other fellows haven’t gone and used them all again.”

There _are_ matches on the mantel. When was the last time Tony used a match and lit his own cigarette? But he’s not at Whittier right now. He can use these matches, there are no sick fellows he has to watch out for. Tony lights his cigarette. He takes a few more matches, and puts them in his pocket. These are the wooden kind that can strike anywhere, like Jarvis used to use. Jarvis would say, “Tony, get me a match, I want a smoke,” and he’d show Tony how you could strike it anywhere, even on the sole of your shoe, if you had to.

Tony goes back outside, and he sits in the summerhouse and smokes a couple more cigarettes. ~~And he thinks about how he’s home now, he’s home for good.~~ No, this is _Loki’s_ home. ~~(Loki’s and _his_.)~~

After a while, Loki comes out. Loki says, “World History.” He says, “Funny how you teach it, here. The professor says Bismarck attacked France in 1870, but everyone knows it was the other way around, and the Emser Depesche proves it.” And Loki says, “Don’t mind me Tony, I’ve just been studying too long, I’ve been studying World History.”

And Tony says, “You can tell me, Loki.” It was always very interesting when Loki used to talk about things back at Whittier, and he’d talk about Art, or perhaps Music. And Tony says, “You can tell me, it’s interesting.”

And Loki tells him about what he’s been studying. He tells him about the War of 1870, and how the American professors have it wrong, and France started it, and Germany won a great victory. And he says, “All that should be ancient history, but you know, at home, they used to talk about it like it was still going on.” And he says, “You know, sometimes I really miss my home, Tony.”

Loki is _at_ home, of course, but you’d have to be a fool not to know what he means, you’d have to be blind. Loki means his old home, when he lived in Germany, and he can’t go back there now, because of the war.

Loki says, “Sometimes I miss my home.”

And Tony says, “You have a home here.” And he says, “Perhaps you can go back, someday, perhaps after the war.”

And Loki says, “I might go back before then, I might join the Army.” He says, “Your country is going to have to get involved sooner or later, you can’t stay isolationist forever, and Hitler is evil, and he needs to be stopped.”

Loki is… Something, what? …You know, sometimes it is difficult to keep track of whether things are real or not. Some things seem very real, but people will always say, “Oh, Tony, that’s a _delusion_ , it never really happened.” There is …probably not a war that gets into Tony’s head, but he was at _a_ war, although perhaps it happened a while ago, perhaps that one is over. Perhaps this is a different war, and perhaps Loki will be all right, if he goes to it.

Tony says, “You’re getting an education, Loki, that’s important.”

And Loki says, “You sound just like Uncle Theo.” And he says, “I know my education is important, Tony, but that’s my _home_ , I’m not going to let that bastard Hitler keep it.” And he says, “Perhaps your President Roosevelt will take so long deciding, that I’ll have my degree by the time America’s even in the war, don’t worry, Tony.”

And Tony says, “All right,” and he doesn’t worry (much). And you know, they’re walking, the whole time they’re talking, and by now they’re downtown.

And Loki says, “Well here it is lunchtime, Mrs. Comstock will have cold cuts, or we can get something in town.”

And there’s a drug store right there, and it’s just like the one near Whittier, it’s got a magazines, and paperbacks, and a lunch counter. Tony and Loki go in there, and they get some lunch. Loki gets a club sandwich, and Tony gets ham. And afterward, they buy some things. And Loki gets some pipe tobacco, and he says, “Tony, let me buy you some cigarettes.”

But Tony has money with him, and he pays for his own cigarettes. He gets four packs of Lucky Strikes, because there they are, and there’s no limit on how many he can get if he wants them. Then they walk back through town, and Loki shows him the campus, and it is suppertime by the time they get back to ~~their~~ the apartment.

Mrs. Comstock is serving supper. And she says, “Come on in, fellows, supper is on the table, it’s fish pie, and I made an Apple Brown Betty for dessert.”

And Loki says, “You Americans, you put fish in everything, why do you have to put fish in everything, Tony?”

And Tony says, “I don’t know.” But really, the fish pie isn’t so bad, and there are fresh cucumbers to go with it. And after supper, they go upstairs. Tony _remembers_ his medications, but really, he doesn’t need them. It’s awfully easy to go to sleep, when you’ve been walking all afternoon.

 ~~Tony’s~~ apartment… ~~Loki’s~~ apartment… _The_ apartment ~~(but really, it _is_ Tony’s)~~ is very quiet and peaceful. And tonight, Tony remembered to put the blinds down.


	35. A Bad One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was a bad one. Because Loki said, "We have to go," and you know, you can't hide when that happens. And why, why would they drag you out of _your home_ and take you away?

Loki comes, and he says, “Tony, I’m going to Mass today, Tony.” And it’s breakfast time, and they’re eating rye bread and cheese, and they’re drinking coffee. And Loki says, “I’m going to Mass today, and it’s at the chapel on campus, and it’s at 11:00.” And he says, “Tony, do you want to come?”

Well, Mass is what the Catholics call church, everyone knows that. And the Catholics hold their church in Latin, and Howard always used to say, “Catholics, they’re a bunch of ignorant foreigners, Tony.” And he’d say, “Aside from a few Huguenots, Tony, there’s not one of them I’d want you to associate with. They’re a bunch of foreigners, and they can’t even hold their church in English.” Well Howard probably wouldn’t go to Mass, even if his best friend was going, and you know you don’t have to do everything the way Howard would do it, but here’s the thing:

And Tony says, “Loki, I thought you were Jewish, why aren’t you going to a Jewish church, Loki?”

Well, Loki says Jewish church is called Temple, and it seems the Jews go there on Saturdays, not on Sundays. And Loki says he never goes to Temple, he says, “No one in my family goes to Temple, only Aunt Josie always made us go on the High Holidays.” And he says, “All the fellows here go to Mass, Tony, and it was just easier, it’s all right if you don’t go, Tony, but I’m going.”

Well Tony says, “Certainly I’m going.” And he says, “You’re my friend, Loki, I’ll go wherever you want, and if that’s a Catholic church where they don’t speak English, well fine, I’ll go there.”

So that’s what they do. And Loki puts on a tie, and really, it seems like it’s the first time Tony’s ever seen him wear a tie, and it’s a very nice tie. And he looks very nice in it. And Tony wears the suit Howard got him at Brooks Brothers, and really, it looks quite nice too. And you can hardly see the stain any more, from where the… Well, he got the stain when he visited Loki’s family’s house one time, but you don’t need to talk about that. You can hardly see it at all, anyhow, the dry cleaners did such a good job, and once Tony has his overcoat on, well then you really can’t see it.

And Mrs. Comstock says, “Oh, are you fellows going out?” And she says, “Are you going to church, well it certainly is a nice day for it, and be sure to be back in time for dinner.”

And Loki says, “We will be.” He says, “We will be, you’ll see, Tony, Mrs. Comstock always puts on _quite a spread_ for Sunday dinner.”

And it seems Mrs. Comstock puts on quite a spread, because all the other fellows that live here are Catholics. And Catholics don’t eat before they go to Mass, it’s a tradition for them, and so they’re always _quite_ hungry by dinnertime.

Well Loki says, “We’ll go to Mass, Tony,” and they go. And it seems like it’s been an awfully long time since Tony’s been to any church, and it doesn’t matter that this is a Catholic church, does it? God is God, isn’t he?

And the Catholic church smells spicy, and Loki says it’s incense. And there are an awful lot of candles burning, in front of statues of saints. And the priest sounds like Barry Fitzgerald, it’s a very Irish voice, and he says, “Mr. Odinson, isn’t it? It’s nice to see you back again, Mr. Odinson, and who is your friend?”

And Loki says, “This is Mr. Stark.”

And the priest says, “Pleased to meet you, Mr. Stark, and I hope you’ll come back and join us again.”

He’s awfully nice, and really, Mass isn’t that bad. And God is God, isn’t he? Isn’t this just as good as the Protestant church Howard and ~~Mother~~ Maria go to?

And Tony says, “Certainly I’ll come back, I’ll be happy to come back, any time that Loki comes.” That’s going to be every Sunday, isn’t it? Because he’s trying to fit in, and things go easier for a fellow, if he looks like everyone else.

And after that, they go back home for dinner. Mrs. Comstock has made a boiled dinner. That’s really just meat and vegetables, but it’s awfully good meat and vegetables, much better than anything they serve at Whittier. And there’s cake for dessert, and when was the last time Tony had cake? It had to have been a year ago, possibly more. And this is awfully good cake, with raisins in it, and plenty of white frosting. And Mrs. Comstock says, “I like to see a fellow eat, go ahead fellows, have as much as you want, here Tony, would you like more cake, and can I get you some more coffee?” And really, it’s an awfully nice meal, it’s the best meal Tony’s had in a long time.

And then something happens. Loki says something, and he says… Well, he says, “Tony…”

Well, Loki says, “Tony…” He says, “Tony, we have to…

Well, it’s time to _go_ is what it is, and Loki says, “Tony, it’s time to _go_ , Tony, we’d better…” _Something_ , we’d better something, and he says, “Tony, we’d better, we’d better, Tony.”

And there’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “I think this is going to get bad.” He says, “Tony, you don’t have to stay, let’s leave Tony, I think this is going to get bad.”

Loki says, “Tony.”

And why would it get bad? They’re just _here_. They’re at their home, he’s at home, and Loki’s at home, and what is there that would get bad?

Loki says, “It’s time to _go._ ” He says, “It’s time to go, Tony, we have a _train_ to catch.”

Someone else says something. And Tony says, “No.” And little, soft sounds start. Little soft, war-sounds. The bombs are falling far away, far, far away. Don’t let them come any closer. And Tony says, “No.” He says, “This is my home, didn’t you say it was my home? Why would I need to leave _my home_?”

There’s noises that come after that. Little, whispery noises, Loki’s noises. And the war moves closer, and Tony says, “No.”

Someone says something. Loki says something. No, it’s Mrs. Comstock, or it’s somebody. How are you supposed to hear with all the war noises going on? “No,” Tony says, “No,” and he says, “My home, my home, why would I leave my home, Loki?”

Something. Loki. And Mrs. Comstock. And they can’t make you leave if they can’t catch you (and the war noises). And you go, and there are stairs, there are so many stairs. And here’s a basement, and all the dampness, and the spiderwebs, and the smell (the smell is death, and it’s dead bodies). And they won’t get you down here, they won’t catch you, and why would Loki do this? “This is your home, Tony,” he said that, didn’t he?

And the pipes, such low pipes, and the furnace (very hot furnace). And no one can see you, and the war sounds, they’re just in your head, no one can hear them, no one can hear you.

And there’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “Tony, I said we should leave, I said this was going to get bad, Tony.” And he says, “Do you want to go up in the sky?”

And Tony says, “Yes.”

And the soft, fluffy white clouds. And the big, blue sky. And they’re down there, the men are down there. And they pull someone who is not you, they pull him out from behind the furnace. And they say, “Stop acting so crazy,” but someone doesn’t stop. And then one of the fellows says, “Handcuffs.” And he says, “I didn’t want to do it, but…” 

And Jarvis is right there. Jarvis says, “Tony, do you want to look at that, Tony?”

And Tony says, “No.”

You know, there’s only the air. The soft, serene air, and all the fluffy clouds. And the noises are far away, the screams, and the sound of the stick hitting someone. “Just a little one,” he says, “just to settle him down, look at him, he does’t even feel it.” And the smell of the blood, and the other things, and the sound of the siren. None of it matters, and you’re up here, and it’s all down below, it’s so far down below.

And, “Well, Tony, you do have a way of letting us know when you get back.”

And, “Be up to me, he wouldn’t ever get a pass. What is this, two times? Three?”

“Four, I think, but he always keeps his nose clean when he’s here.”

“Crazy’s crazy, come on Tony, let’s get you inside. Say, fellows, can you get these cuffs off? Come on, bring the key over, here, where’s the straitjacket?”

Jarvis says, “Tony, do you want to stay down here?”

And Tony says, “No, I want to be in the air.”


	36. Something Bad Happened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You don't have time to find out what happened, and here it is, things are getting bad again (and sometimes a fellow has to go up into the sky, sometimes he needs the quiet up there).

Well there’s Jarvis, and Jarvis says, “Tony.” He says, “Are you all right, Tony?”

And Tony says, “I'm _fine_ , I’m up here in the sky, aren't I? Everything is fine, up here in the sky.”

But you can't always stay in the sky forever, sooner or later you’re going to have to come down. And Tony comes down, and he smells... And the smell is... Well what it is, is he’s in _Seclusion_. Tony’s in Seclusion, and the smell there is… Well, everyone knows what fellows will do in there. Fellows who have their hands free.

Tony doesn’t have his hands free. He’s wearing a... It’s called a _straitjacket_ , that’s what it’s called. They put them on you when you pitch a fit, Tony must have pitched a fit, and now they’ve put this straitjacket on him, and he’s here in Seclusion. He’s lying on the mattress, and he wants to stand up, but it’s hard to get up when your arms aren’t free.

And someone’s outside. Tony hears someone, and they say, “Well, that was a good one last night, it sure was.”

And that’s someone’s voice. Whose voice is it? It seems to be Rhodey’s, but it’s hard to be sure, when you can’t see out the window in the door.

And there’s another voice. It seems to be Happy’s, but you know, when you can’t see… Happy says, “Say, Rhodey.” He says, “Say Rhodey, _you know who_ is here.”

Rhodey says, “Oh.” He says, “I was afraid of that.” And he says, “I tried to tell him, didn’t you try to tell him, Happy? We all tried to tell him.”

And Happy says, “Is _he_ awake?”

Rhodey says, “He wasn’t when I checked.” And he says, “He might not even recognize him, that was quite a relapse last night, it was the relapse to end all relapses.”

And Happy says, “Is he staying on Three?”

Rhodey says, “I don’t know.” He says, “Last I heard, Nurse Potts hadn’t decided. Money talks, but you know, there’s only so much disruption… We have to watch out for the fellows who are in treatment.”

Happy says, “Yeah.” And he says, “I dunno, Tony’s usually all right if you watch him.” He says, “Anyway, we better get him up. _You know who_ is here, and his psychiatrist says to let him see him, says it’ll be good for his recovery.”

_You_ know who. _Somebody_ knows who. Jarvis is there, and he says, “Tony, who are they talking about, Tony?”

Tony _doesn’t_ know who. He was up in the sky, and things are always very different up there.

Well, there’s Rhodey outside the door. Rhodey says, “ _Recovery_.” He says, “A fellow’s gonna recover, he recovers, he’s not, he doesn’t.” And he says, “Don’t get me wrong, I certainly wish him all the best, it’s not like we can spare another bed if he gets admitted again.”

And Happy says, “Yeah, I don’t get…” He doesn’t get something.

And Rhodey says, “Me neither.” He doesn’t get it either. And he says, “Least we can do, we’ll clean him up first.” And you can hear the door being unlocked, and then there he is, and he’s looking at Tony. Rhodey says, “You awake, Tony? Well, you have a visitor, guess we’d better get you cleaned up.”

Happy says, “I heard that was some fit you threw, look at you Tony, what happened to your _face_?”

And Rhodey says, “I think he did that. He slammed into a wall, that’s what the cop said. And another one on his shoulder.”

And there’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “Who’s here? Who are they talking about?” He says, “Who are they talking about, what’s happening, Tony, are you all right?”

Tony is in a dressing room. And pretty soon the straitjacket is off, and there are Rhodey and Happy, and they’re looking at him.

Rhodey says, “This poor suit. It has seen some wear.”

And Happy says, “Well, they insist on giving him weekend passes.” He says, “Tony can’t handle them, you better stay right here, isn’t that right, Tony?”

There’s the grey suit. Tony’s wearing the grey suit Howard got him, at Brooks Brothers, and it seems that it has seen some wear. And there are _stains_ on it, there are brown stains on the jacket, and there’s a wet stain on the pants. And it _smells._ You know what it smells like, it smells like…

Tony says, “I’m sorry.” He says, “I’m sorry.” You don’t want people seeing you like this, and if there’d been a bathroom…

Rhodey says, “Don’t you mind it.” He says, “Don’t you mind it, Tony, we know it’s not your fault.” He says, “You can’t help it, it’s _certain people_ , they keep treating you like you’re fit to be let out.” And there are some clothes. Rhodey brings him some clothes, and he helps him get into them, and he says, “Well, you have a visitor, better go on into the dayroom.”

Well, Loki is in the dayroom. Jarvis says, “It’s Tuesday.” Loki always visits on Tuesdays.

And Tony says, “Is it Tuesday? Because I was up in the sky.” 

Well there’s Loki, and he says, “Oh, Tony.” And he hugs Tony, and his arms are awfully tight, and he says, “Oh, Tony, are you all right?” 

And Tony says, “I’m fine, everything is fine.” And he says, “How are you, Loki?”

And Loki says, “Oh, Tony.” He says, “Your poor eye, and your poor shoulder, and I’m going to file a complaint, those policemen…”

And those policemen something. And Loki… Tony did something bad, didn’t he? He… ~~_made a mess._~~

Loki says, “And Mrs. Comstock is going to file a complaint, Mrs. Comstock…”

Mrs. Comstock _something._ And Loki says, “Oh, before I forget, she sent you these, these are for you, Tony.”

Here’s a box. Here’s a box, in Tony’s hands, and it’s a _white_ box. And the smell…

Smell is bad, it’s cinnamon, and it’s spices, and it’s _bad_.

Loki says, “Here, these are for you,” but Tony doesn’t want them.

Rhodey says, “Look at him.” He says, “You’ll see pretty soon if you’re not careful, Loki. You think he always is like he is with you?”

Well there’s some hands, and they’re taking the box. Somebody’s hands. And somebody’s voice, Rhodey’s voice. Rhodey says, “You’ll see what he’s like.” And he says, “Here, let me take those, Tony, Happy, why don’t you put these somewhere, we don’t want them.” And he says, “He’s good when he’s with you, but Tony can be a ball of fire.”

And there’s Loki. Loki says, “That’s another thing.” And he says, “Stop talking about Tony like he’s not there. He’s right here, stop… Stop talking… And something, talking…”

And, “Now now, don’t you get agitated.” Somebody is saying that. And, “A relapse,” somebody is talking about a relapse. And Loki, and he says, “Listen, Tony…”

Listen to what? Listen to _something_.

Loki says, “This is my fault, you think I don’t know that? And I should have something, and if I’d …something… And I should have made sure Tony…”

And somebody says, “Don’t get agitated,” and who are they talking about? Who is agitated? And somebody… – Loki? – Somebody says, “Don’t talk about agitated, and don’t talk about upset. Some things are worth getting upset about, but _you_ , you just want everyone to go around like an automaton,” and he says … _something_.

And it’s just very _noisy_ , is what it is. And after a while, Jarvis is there. Jarvis says, “Well, they certainly are very loud.” And he says, “Do you want to go up in the sky, Tony?”

And Tony says, “Yes.”

_Somebody_ is being awfully loud. Down on the ground, they’re being awfully loud (but Tony is up in the sky). And somebody says, “Report…” And, “This is going in your report.”

And somebody else… Loki, or _somebody_ else, says, “Your stupid reports, reports are for _sick_ people, and I…” Somebody says, “This wouldn’t have happened if I’d explained better, and you know it, and don’t let me catch you putting Tony on one of those horrible wards, and you know…” Something… “And he’ll be better… Something, he’ll be better…” (A fellow can’t be bothered listening too well to what happens on the ground, not when he’s up in the sky.)

Someone is being very loud, not Loki, but _someone_. And there are hands on his arms (but he is not Tony). Someone will be in Seclusion again, or perhaps he’ll be in tubs. And there’s Loki, Loki says, “Oh Tony.” He says, “Oh, Tony,” but Tony is _all right_ , he is up here in the sky.

And somebody… – Rhodey? – Somebody says, “There, now you see what he’s like.”

And Loki says, “I don’t see anything.” And he says, “Oh Tony,” and, “Time… Just give him more time.”

But Tony has _all the time in the world_. He is up here in the sky, and he has _all the time in the world_ , and the blue sky, and the fluffy white clouds.


	37. Loki Visits Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wouldn't have thought he would come again, not after what Tony did. And it was something _bad_ , that he did (even though he can't quite remember what it was). But here Loki is, and perhaps things will be all right.

Well, here’s Nurse Potts, and she says, “Mr. Rhodes, have you checked on Tony?”

And here’s Rhodey. Rhodey says, “I think he’s asleep. He quieted down a while ago, I think he’s asleep.”

Nurse Potts says, “I’ve made a decision,” and she says, “We’re keeping him on Three.” 

Well, Tony is not asleep. Has he been asleep? Tony was _up in the air._ And somebody down there has been having a _very_ bad time. And he’s in pack, pack is when they wrap you very tightly, in cold, cold wet cloths, and that poor fellow down there is in pack, because he pitched a fit. But Tony was up in the air. And Jarvis is here. Jarvis says, “Tony, are you all right?”

Tony says, “I’m fine, Jarvis?” He says, “We were just up in the air.”

And Jarvis says, “Well, you can’t stay up in the air forever.”

And Tony says, “I know I can’t, don’t I?” And he comes down, and Jarvis is right there. And here’s the thing…

Pack, this is pack, and it’s cold cloths, cold, cold, _wet_ cloths. And he can’t move, Tony can’t move. And he hurts, _something_ hurts.

Well, pack is in a big room, with a lot of beds. And there seem to be some other fellows in here, but they aren’t saying much, they are just lying there. And here’s Nurse Potts. Nurse Potts is saying something. She’s saying, “Two-on-one, please don’t be difficult, Mr. Rhodes.”

Here’s Rhodey. Rhodey says, “ _Two-on-one_? We’re understaffed… And something, understaffed.”

Nurse Potts says, “You can make it work, you and Mr. Hogan.” And she says, “I trust you, you’re my best orderlies, if anyone...”

Well here’s the thing, it’s very peaceful up in the air, with the blue sky, and the friendly white clouds, but down here on the ground… Down here… Well, it _hurts_ , that’s one thing. And… And _bad things,_ he did _bad things._ Howard would say, “You did a bad thing Tony, Tony I'm always cleaning up your messes,” only… Only Howard’s not here. Who’s here? Loki’s here. And it was bad, what he did was bad (whatever it was) and he did it to his _friend_ , to Loki.

Jarvis says, “Are you all right, Tony?”

And here’s Rhodey. Rhodey says, “You’re kidding, aren’t you kidding? After what he did?” And he says, “We’ve already got Bruce on one-on-one, how are we going to… How are we going to …something.”

Nurse Potts says, “You can double up… You can double …something up.”

You close your eyes, just for a while, and things will happen. Tony closes his eyes. When he opens them, there are hands touching him. And there go the cloths, he is sitting up. And somebody’s voice, Happy’s voice.

Happy says, “You gonna be good, Tony?”

Here’s Rhodey. Rhodey says, “So I guess we’re supposed to watch both of ‘em at the same time.”

And Happy says, “You and me? That’s just fine, until one of ‘em decides to pitch a fit.”

And Rhodey says, “Nurse Potts said it was her idea, but you know what I think.” And he says, “You know who.” And, “Influence,” something about influence, and, “Certain people sure are throwing their weight around.”

And Happy says, “You and me,” something about you and me. He says, “I ain’t worried about Tony, you’ll be good, won’t you, Tony? No more scratching and biting?”

_Scratching…_ Did he scratch? He was in _pack_ , and his hands were tied up, how could he scratch? Well, _somebody_ scratched, and they bit, and here Tony is, and they are blaming him for it.

Tony says, “I’m sorry.” And he says, “I’ll be good.”

Well, Happy hits him a hard one on his back. Happy says, “I know you will, Tony, Tony, you’re a good egg, and you know how to keep your nose clean.” And he says, “I don’t know about Bruce.”

Rhodey says, “I think things are about to get _really interesting_ on Three.”

And Happy says, “Well, I ain’t worried about Tony here.” And he says, “You’ll be good, won’t you Tony, and here, let’s get you dressed, bet you’ll be glad to get some warm clothes on, Tony.”

Well Tony is glad to get some warm clothes on. It seems like it’s gotten awfully cold while he was in pack, and he is _glad_ to get some warm clothes on. And he goes into the dayroom. And Rhodey and Happy are _right there_ , they are there with him wherever he goes, that’s what two-on-one means.

And here’s Bruce. Bruce says, “I heard you pitched a good one.” He says, “I was at OT, me and Reed, but I heard you pitched a good one, Tony, Tony, what happened?”

Tony says, “I don’t know what happened.” And he says, “What day is it?”

Bruce says, “It’s Tuesday, didn’t you check the calendar, Tony?”

Well, the calendar is at the Nurse’s Station, and pack is the other way, a fellow would have to be delusional to think you would go by the calendar, on your way back from pack. But Tony doesn’t say anything. You know, the fellows here at Whittier are sometimes _very sick_ , and it’s not polite, calling attention to it.

And Bruce says, “It’s Tuesday, and it’s almost lunchtime I think.” And he says, “Say, Tony, the rest of us fellows went ahead and had some of those cookies Loki brought, I hope you don’t mind, Tony.”

Cookies? Loki brought cookies? Tony does _not_ remember any cookies. He doesn’t remember… Did Loki come? _When_ did Loki come? And, Tony-you-did-a-bad-thing-Tony-I-am-always-cleaning-up-your…

Well Bruce is saying something. He says, “Happy saved some, I think. Say, Tony, those were awfully good cookies, and they had raisins, and we had coffee to go with them.” And he says, “I hope Loki brings more of ‘em. When he visits today, I hope he brings more, say, _your friend_ is turning out to be a pretty good fellow, Tony.”

Loki. Is Loki going to… Well, Loki _always_ visits on Tuesdays. But Tony did a… He did _something._ ~~(And perhaps Loki won’t come.)~~

Here comes Rhodey. And here comes Happy, here they come together. And Rhodey says, “Fellows.” He says, “It’s time for lunch, fellows, come line up for lunch.”

And here’s the line for lunch. All these fellows are lined up, and they’re going to lunch. And here’s Clint. Clint says, “Powdered eggs at breakfast again, I’ll tell you Tony, you didn’t miss much.” And he says, “Say, those cookies Loki brought sure were good, I hope he brings more of ‘em.”

And here they go. And the line is _very_ long, and it’s cold outside. And here’s the cafeteria, and it smells of wash water in here. And here’s Clint. Clint says, “Stew, again.” He says, “Sure wish it was Saturday, I could sure go for a hamburg with onions.” And he says, “Say, Tony, Bruce, you fellows gonna be able to go to town with us on Saturday?”

And Bruce says, “Of course we are. I’m on one-on-one, and Tony’s on two-on-one, we’re not confined to ward, who said we were confined to ward, Clint?”

Clint says, “Well I don’t want a fight.” He says, “I just _asked_ , I don’t want a fight.” And he says, “My, that stew smells worse than usual, it smells burnt!”

The stew tastes burnt too, but Tony eats some. He tries to eat some, you don’t have much appetite when you’ve been up in the sky. And he eats some bread, the bread is usually all right.

And after that, well, they go back to Three. And Bruce sits in his usual place, he has a chair over by the window, and he sits there. And Tony sits with him. And Bruce smokes a cigarette, and he says, “Say, Tony, you want one?”

Bruce rolls his own cigarettes. He has a can of Prince Albert, and he will always roll his own, but Tony smokes Lucky Strikes. And Tony _has_ cigarettes, doesn’t he? It seems like he had some. And he says, “No thanks, Bruce, I have my own,” but then when he goes and looks in his pocket, well, there aren’t any there. And Bruce rolls him one, and Tony smokes it. And it’s not bad, it’s better than nothing.

And some time goes by, and after a while here comes Rhodey. Rhodey has a magazine, and he says, “Here, Tony, I thought you might want to read or something.”

Tony _doesn’t_ want to read. And he says, “No thank you, Rhodey, I’m just tired.” And some more time goes by.

Well, all of a sudden, here comes Happy. Happy says, “Say Tony, you have a visitor, Tony,” and here comes Loki.

Loki comes in, and he says, “Tony.” And he says, “I knew you’d be _fine_ here, Tony, that’s what I told them.” And he says, “I talked to them, and Uncle Theo talked to them, it’s wonderful what they’ll do with just a little encouragement, isn’t it Tony?”

Well, here’s Loki. And something bad happened… What was it? It was something. And Jarvis comes. He says, “Are you all right, Tony?”

Tony says, “What happened, Jarvis? What did I do, because it seems I can’t quite remember.”

And Jarvis says, “You were up in the sky.” He says, “You can’t be expected to remember everything, you were up in the _sky_ , Tony.”

And here’s Bruce. Bruce says, “Those were some awfully good cookies you brought yesterday, Loki.”

Loki says, “Those cookies were for Tony.” And he says, “I suppose it’s all right if you had some of them, did you get any of them, Tony?”

Well Bruce says, “Tony pitched a fit.”

And Loki says, “I wouldn’t talk, Bruce.” And he says, “I’ll bring more cookies, say, it always _smells_ in here, Tony, are you allowed to go outside?”

Bruce says, “Certainly he can go outside.” He says, “I’m on one-on-one, and Tony’s on two-on-one, but we’re not confined to ward, did someone say we were confined to ward, Loki?”

Loki says, “I don’t think so.” And he says, “I want to go outside, say, Rhodey, Happy, Tony and I want to go outside.”

And Happy says, “Sure, fine, fine.” And he says, “Not like I got nothing better to do, and me and Rhodey and Bruce.”

Loki says, “ _All_ of you? Does it have to be all of you?”

And Rhodey says, “Yes, and you better be grateful.” And he says, “Say, Coulson, can you handle things in here?”

And here’s Coulson. Coulson says, “I’m just fine, and Fury’s down the hall in Two if there are any problems, you fellows go get some fresh air.”

Well, here are their jackets, and they put them on, and they go get some fresh air. And the fresh air is very chilly today, and there are an awful lot of grey clouds. And Loki says, “Tony, are you warm enough?” He says, “Perhaps we should go back inside.”

Bruce says, “I want to go back inside.” He says, “It’s cold out here, I want to go back…” And something, and inside, something-inside. They don’t go back inside though, they walk on up to the garden. And Rhodey says, “There’s a bench.” He says, “Why don’t you sit over there and talk to Tony, Loki, and Happy and I will go look at the flowers with Bruce.” And he says, “You want to look at the flowers, don’t you, Bruce?”

And Bruce says, “No, it’s cold,” but they go, they go and look at the flowers.

And Tony and Loki sit down. And the bench is somewhat cold, and Loki… Tony says, “I’m sorry.” He says, “What happened? I know it was bad, Loki.”

And Loki says, “Oh, Tony.” And he says, “Oh, Tony, I should have _explained_ better, Tony.” And he says, “I wanted you to be happy, but I should have _explained_ , you know that’s _my_ apartment in Boston, don’t you?”

There’s an apartment in Boston. It’s Loki’s apartment. Tony doesn’t have an apartment. Tony would _make a mess_ if he had one, and there would be trouble. It seems like he knows this, and it seems like it’s always been this way, but it is awfully hard to remember things, when you’ve been up in the sky.

And Loki says, “I’m filing a complaint against those policemen, and Mrs. Comstock is filing a complaint.” And he says, “Mrs. Comstock is _on your side_ , Tony, and she says she will visit, you remember Mrs. Comstock, don’t you?”

It seems like Tony remembers Mrs. Comstock. And she lives in Boston, she has a house in Boston, and she likes to see a fellow enjoy her good cooking.

Loki says, “She is _on your side,_ and she says she’ll visit, and I don’t care what those other fellows think, Tony.” He says, “ _Some people_ can never seem to mind their own business, I talked to my psychiatrist, Tony.” And something about his psychiatrist, and something about, “Boston College isn’t working out so well.” And he says, “Don’t you worry, nobody’s talking about readmitting me, it’s just… And, Boston College… And, you know, an awful lot of newspapermen never go to college at all.”

Loki is going to college. Loki _has_ to go to college, this is his opportunity, an education is a very important thing.

But he says, “Right now, I don’t care if I never go to college again, and my psychiatrist says,” and something about, “Uncle Theo… And, it’s part-time at first, and …A weekly paper,” something about a weekly paper. And he says, “Princeton, I’d rather go back to Princeton anyhow. Or New York University is a very good school, and closer to home.” And he says, “You’ve been awfully quiet, Tony, what do you think, Tony?”

What does he _think_? Well a fellow doesn’t have to think much, not when he’s up in the sky, but here he is back on the ground now. And Tony _thinks_ , and here’s what he says. He says, “Well, Loki, you live in Boston, and New York is _not_ close to Boston.”

And Loki says, “Oh, Tony.” He says, “Don’t _worry_ about me, Tony, you just worry about _yourself_ , and I want you to come back and visit, you’ll visit me again, won’t you, Tony?”

Well here’s Jarvis, and he says, “What’s happening, Tony?” He says, “What’s Loki doing here, what is he saying, Tony?”

And Tony says, “Loki says he wants me to visit again, at his apartment in Boston, or perhaps in New York.”

And Loki says, “Oh, Tony.” He says, “Oh Tony, you tell Jarvis to take _good_ care of you, you _are_ going to visit again, Tony, and the next time will be _fine._ ” And he says, “I suppose for now, I’ve got to have Bruce and those other fellows around, _every_ time I come? And, will they let us go to town, do you think, Tony, because I certainly would like some pie and coffee.”

And it seems they _can’t_ go into town. And Rhodey says, “You better be glad you can take him off-ward at all.” Loki had better be glad. And he says, “Influence only goes _so far,_ and we don’t run this hospital for you, whatever you think, Loki.”

And Loki says, “I know that.” He says, “I know that, don’t I, I just want to see you fellows being fair to Tony.” And then they go inside, or perhaps just a little bit later. And they go inside, and there are still some cookies left, it seems. And Happy says, “Here, why don’t you fellows have some of these if you’re hungry?” And they’re good cookies. They’ve got raisins _and_ nuts in them, and Happy gets them some coffee, from the Nurse’s Station.


	38. Some Women Want to Talk to Tony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He really needs to start checking the calendar again, it's right by the Nurse's Station, and it would be easy. And today is Wednesday. Tony goes to OT with the others, because it's Wednesday, and tomorrow is Thursday, and Loki is going to visit. And those women? You don't need to worry about them, they're not important.

Here’s Happy. Happy says, “Reed, stop …something. Just… something, and stay away from Bruce, why can’t you? And listen, you fellows want to go to OT today, I could just as easily send you all to pack right now.”

Reed is bothering Bruce, apparently. He’s saying, “I just want to know, and it was _awfully difficult_ last time, and _just two of us_ , and I just want to know…” Something, he wants to know something.

Jarvis says, “Tony, are you all right?”

Tony says, “I’m _fine_ , jumpy people make me jumpy, don’t they? Bruce is being jumpy.”

And there he is, he’s being very jumpy. He says, “Always poking your nose in, Reed, and why can’t you ever mind your own business, why can’t you be _quiet_?”

And Happy says, “Just all of you, settle down.” And he says, “Coulson, huh?”

And Rhodey says, “Yeah, and I’ll stay on the ward.”

Happy says, “Well you certainly got the easy job.”

And Rhodey says, “Don’t I know it.” And he says, “You two will be fine, these fellows are gonna be all right, aren’t you, fellows? Just get ‘em working.”

Happy says, “There’s fine and fine, I don’t want to talk about what kind of fine this is, well Coulson, grab a bucket, let’s get going.”

Coulson says, “No, these fellows are fine.” He says, “Here, Tony, here’s a bucket.” And there is a bucket, Tony’s holding it, and it’s the heavy kind, it’s got wheels, but that’s no help on the stairs. Coulson says, “Here Bruce, and come on and get these mops, Reed.”

And here they are, they’re going down the stairs. Reed says, “I just wanted to know. Monday was just the two of us, and I wanted to know.”

Bruce says, “Monday he was in Seclusion, wasn’t he? How’s a fellow supposed to… And, Seclusion, something Seclusion.” And he says, “Reed, shut up before I make you.”

And then Coulson says, “ _Bruce,_ ” and Bruce shuts up.

Well OT is when you clean the psychiatrists’ offices, and they are a couple of floors down. And it’s not all that bad, they’re not very dirty, and the people are nice, and oh, it’s… Well, it’s just _pleasant_ down there, is what it is, with flowers on the desks sometimes, and a bowl of candy, and perhaps they’ll offer you one. Anyone who’s been down there, will want to go back, because it’s sort of homelike and peaceful. But here’s the thing, is there will be _women_ down there sometimes. And the psychiatrists see people from the Men’s Hospital and from the Women’s Hospital, so there will be _women_. You don’t want to talk to them, because sometimes they’ll make a fuss, and anyhow, you haven’t been introduced, and it’s not polite to talk to a lady when you haven’t been introduced. And Reed will see them, and he’ll say, “Oh, she looks like my wife, she looks like Susan.” Reed’s wife is just a delusion, and she’s not real at all, but he’ll see these _women_ , and sometimes he’ll make a fuss.

And here they are, they come downstairs, and here’s a woman in here. Reed says, “Oh, Susan?” And then he says, “Oh, she’s not Susan, but she looks just like her.” And he isn’t making a fuss today, he’s just taking the carpet sweeper. And Bruce takes one of the buckets, and Tony takes the other one.

Here’s the thing though, is there’s this _nurse_. There’s this nurse, and she’s here too, and she says, “Oh, Tony.” She says, “Oh Tony, do you remember me, I was in the infirmary, and your poor hand.”

Reed says, “She’s talking to you, Tony, do you know her?”

And Tony _does not_ know her.

There was an infirmary, because there was a _cut_ , a bad cut. And when was that? It must have been an awfully long time ago, a year or more perhaps. It was during the summertime, is when it was, there was this _cut_ , that he got ~~(from a _sharp knife_ )~~ somehow, and he was in the infirmary, and he does _not_ know this nurse, he doesn’t know her at all.

Well this _nurse_ says, “Tony, how are you, Tony, how is your _hand_ , oh Tony, your poor _face_.”

Reed says, “She certainly is pretty, she looks like my wife Susan, and she says she _knows_ you, Tony, do you know her?”

Tony doesn’t know her.

And here’s Coulson. Coulson says, “Nurse Lewis.” He says, “Nurse Lewis, I wish you wouldn’t come down here,” and, “Upsetting my men,” something about her upsetting his men.

And Nurse Lewis says, “Well I have just as much of a right,” and something, and, “My women,” something about her women.” And she’s just making an awful fuss, is what happens, and Coulson is making an awful fuss. It’s no wonder if a fellow might pitch a fit, with all this noise and fuss, sometimes you’d have to be crazy not to pitch a fit.

And Happy says, “ _Tony,_ ” but Tony is doing his work. He knows how to keep his nose clean, it wasn’t him that decided to start bothering people, it was this nurse, and he doesn’t want to get sent back to pack. And here’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “Tony, are you all right?”

Tony is _fine_ , he’s just doing his work. Everyone is doing their work, you just have to look around and see. And pretty soon the work is going to be done. You go to lunch with the fellows from One, after OT, and that’s pretty good. You can pour your own coffee, and you get it black, no milk unless you want to add some, and they’ll let you use a knife to butter your bread.

Well after lunch, they go back to Three. And things start to get interesting, and they walk into the dayroom, and here comes Rhodey. Rhodey says, “Tony here, here’s a letter for you.”

A fellow doesn’t get letters very often, and here’s Rhodey, and he says, “Tony, here’s a letter.” And the envelope says it’s from Mrs. Howard Stark. 

Well there’s Reed. Reed is being a nosy Parker, and he says, “Oh Tony, you got a letter, who is it from, Tony?” And he says, “Mrs. Howard Stark, is she your _mother_ , Tony, is she your _wife_?”

Here’s Bruce. Bruce says, “Always talking about people and their _wives_ , you’re delusional, Reed.” And really, he is being awfully delusional, but you know, some of the fellows here are pretty sick.

And here’s this envelope, and it says, Mrs. Howard Stark, and something, and, La Jolla, California. And Jarvis says, “Tony, are you all right?” He says, “Tony, what is that envelope, I don’t think you should open it, Tony.”

Well, Tony opens it, and there’s a _letter_ inside. There’s a folded letter… Letter smells ~~(like _Mother_ )~~ …Well, it smells like _Quelques Fleurs_ , is what it smells like, which is a toilet water that ladies will put on. _All sorts of ladies_ use it, and this letter could be from anyone, and you know, a fellow doesn’t get very many letters.

And Tony unfolds the letter ~~(that smells like Mother)~~ , and it starts…

Well, here’s what the letter says, it says: “Dear Tony, your father and I were so happy to get your good letter, and it’s always nice to hear from you, Tony, we’re so glad you felt well enough to write, Tony.” And it says, “A visit,” something about, “A visit,” and, “But your father’s awfully busy right now, and the Lend Lease program, and you’d think with him being so close to retirement, but you know your father, Tony.” And it says, “Send you,” and, “Buy yourself something.”

There’s really not much here.

Here’s Rhodey. Rhodey says, “Well look at that, will you, Tony, look, your mother’s sent you some _money_.” And he says, “You’re an awfully lucky fellow, what is that? It’s $20, what are you going to do with $20, Tony?”

Well there’s a paper on the ground, and the paper says, 20 on it, and you could think it was a $20 bill, couldn’t you? Well, you get a _letter_ , and it says Mrs. Howard Stark. A lot of delusional people think, “Say, that must be Tony’s _mother_ , or his _wife_ , it just goes to show how delusional people are. And here’s a letter from somebody, and she pretends she’s from La Jolla, how are you really supposed to know, though? Here’s a paper pretending to be money, it’s really all part of the same thing, isn’t it? Just pretending and more pretending.

And Tony knows how you’re supposed to behave. He takes the letter, and he takes the paper with the 20 on it. He doesn’t throw them on the floor, because that would be making a mess. And he says, “I believe I’ll throw these away.”

Here comes Rhodey again, and Rhodey is saying something. He’s saying something about, “Money,” and, “Something-something _money_ , and Tony, your _mother_.” Rhodey’s just being very delusional, is what, and his talk about Tony’s mother sounds like Reed, who it always talking about _wives_. Who is this woman? She just calls herself Mrs. Howard Stark, and she pretends she lives in La Jolla, California, and she sends things that pretend to be money.

The thing is, see, Tony _has_ family. He’s got Jarvis, and he’s got Loki. And Jarvis is… Well, he’s been Tony’s best friend all his life, he’s really more like a father than a friend. And Loki is more like a brother, Loki could be his brother, perhaps, on an astral-kind-of plane. …Loki is his astral-brother, and Jarvis is his astral-father (and he’s got an astral-mother too, perhaps, and perhaps she lives up in the sky with Jarvis).

And Jarvis is always here, and Loki… Well, Loki would be here more… He’s _always here_ , every Tuesday and Thursday, but he’d be here more, only he’s got to learn to be a newspaperman. You can do that without college, at least some people can, very intelligent, interesting people like Loki. Loki lives… Well, he lives _somewhere_ , not Boston though, not any more. He’ll be here very soon, it will be Tuesday soon, or it’ll be Thursday, and Tony can ask Loki where he lives if he wants to. Perhaps he’ll do that.

And here’s Rhodey. Rhodey says, “Money,” and something about, “You might want to buy something with this, Tony.”

Rhodey still has that paper in his hand, that paper with the 20 on it. And Tony says, “That paper means nothing to me, Rhodey, and if you want it, you may have it.”

And Rhodey says, “Oh no,” he says, “Catch me taking money from you fellows, I would never.” And he says, “I’ll just keep it until you want it.”

Rhodey is being _somewhat delusional_ today, he sounds almost like Reed, he’s so delusional. And Tony says, “Say, Bruce, did you tell me what day it was?”

Bruce says, “Well, it’s Wednesday, but Tony, you’d better start looking at the calendar, I can’t do everything for you, Tony.”


	39. October First, and It's a Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well Tony starts checking the calendar again, and really, it is an awfully vulgar picture they have up there, they should think twice about putting up calendars with pictures like that. And then Loki comes.

Here’s Reed, and he says, “My goodness, that is certainly _quite the picture_.” And he’s looking at the calendar, and he says, “She looks just like my wife Susan.”

Bruce says, “Will you shut up about your wife? Just shut up, Reed.”

Bruce is always telling Reed to shut up, and really, it is awfully tiresome, how he will talk about that wife of his, who is a delusion, and not real, and he pretends she’s right here at Whittier, and might visit him at any minute.

And here’s the calendar. My goodness, that _is_ quite the picture, isn’t it? And it’s another of those cheesecake pictures, and it has a lady with a witch-hat. She’s sitting on a broomstick, and… Oh, you can just see _everything_ about this lady, and her black clothing doesn’t cover _anything_ , not her…

You know really, they shouldn’t have these pictures up in a hospital. The sicker fellows are going to see this, and they’ll get upset, probably. This is _not_ an appropriate picture for a hospital, well really, it’s hard to tell where a picture like this would be appropriate, in a smoker perhaps, or at a gentleman’s stag party. You can see everything about the lady in this picture, she might as well be…

Well here’s Bruce. Bruce says, “Don’t know what they have to show those pictures for.” And, “Fired up,” something about fired up, and, “They get Reed all fired up.”

Here’s Clint, and Clint says, “Breakfast this morning, Tony.” And he says, “Morning, Bruce, didn’t see you there, and that breakfast they gave us, it was…” That breakfast was something, and he says, “Hoo baby, hot-cha-cha, that’s some picture!” Clint says, “I wouldn’t mind meeting _her_ , I’d show her a good time, I’ll tell the world.” And he says, “Wouldn’t you like to meet _her_ back behind the barn, Tony?”

Tony wouldn’t. Howard had a word for these kinds of women, he called them “Women of ill repute,” And he’d say, “Tony, don’t go with those women of ill repute, those women have _diseases_ , Tony.” And if you get one of those diseases, your babies are all going to die, and you will probably end up insane. Tony would _never_ go with a woman like that, and he just wishes they’d stop putting up these cheesecake pictures, that could upset the sicker fellows.

And Bruce says, “Fired up.” He says, “That picture certainly has Reed all fired up, I wish they’d take the damn thing down.”

Clint says, “Well, it’s a _calendar,_ you have to have a _calendar_ , don’t you?”

Certainly you have to have a calendar. They like it if you know what day it is, and they’ll ask, “Tony, do you know what day it is, Tony?” And then you tell them what you saw on the calendar, and that’s called having a good orientation with reality. You never know if the calendar is telling the truth, it might be or it might not, but that’s the answer they want, and you’d better be able to give it to them.

Well Bruce says, “Of course you’ve got to have a calendar, I understand that, don’t I?” And he says, “There’s calendars and calendars, do you like this one, Tony?”

Tony says, “No.”

And Bruce says, “I don’t, it just gets fellows fired up, and why not a puppy dog, or a nice nature scene?”

Clint says, “I’d rather have her, she’s my October beauty, hot-cha-cha.”

And here it is, October. It’s… Well, there’s the calendar (with the _cheesecake picture_ on it). Calendar says it’s October 1st, and it’s a Tuesday. And you look over at the window…

Oh, there’s _no sun_ there this morning, is there? It’s _raining_ this morning, a fellow couldn’t go outside even if he wanted to.

Tony’s not going outside. When you’re on two-on-one, you don’t go out much, because the orderlies have to be on the ward, they’ve got to watch the other fellows, and they’ll say, “Just stay in the dayroom, Tony, you stay inside.” But you know, it’s somewhat dismal in the dayroom, especially on a day like this, and the brown paint on the walls is dingier than ever. You can’t see the stains as much, but oh, it’s dingier than ever, and it seems like all the furniture is uglier than it usually is.

Three’s not that bad for furniture. There are some armchairs in here. They’re _old_ armchairs, and some of them look like they came from your aunt’s old place in Nantucket, and she left them out in the rain too many times, and perhaps she left them out all winter a few times too. They’re _armchairs_ , though, and you can lean a little when you sit in them, even though there aren’t enough of them. And some of the fellows will always be sitting on the floor. Some of the fellows _like_ to sit on the floor, but you don’t want to do that, not if there are chairs free. The orderlies will see it, and they’ll say, “Oh, look at him, he’s sitting on the _floor_ , he must be really sick, if he’s sitting on the floor.”

Well, here’s the dayroom, and Tony goes in. And there’s Bruce. Bruce has a chair he likes, and it’s an old wicker one, and awfully scratchy-looking, but he likes it, and he’ll pitch a fit if any of the new fellows try to sit there. And there he is, he’s sitting there. And there’s a chair next to him. There’s an empty chair, it’s one of the straight-backed kind, but you know, a fellow likes to sit down with his friends, so Tony goes over there.

Bruce says, “You want a cigarette, Tony?”

Bruce smokes Prince Albert tobacco, and he will always roll his own cigarettes, but right now, Tony is out of cigarettes. Here it is, and it’s, oh, Tuesday, isn’t it? But he is _already out_ of cigarettes, and he says, “Thank you, Bruce,” and then Bruce rolls one for him.

Bruce says, “ _Your friend_ is coming today, isn’t he, Tony?” And he says, “I hope he comes, Tony, and I hope he brings more cookies.”

Bruce means Loki. Loki always comes, every Tuesday and Thursday. And he’ll come in the afternoon, perhaps at 3:00 or thereabouts, after he has his appointment with his psychiatrist.

And is Loki coming today?

Bruce says, “ _Of course_ he is, Tony.” He says, “ _Of course_ he’s coming, it’s Tuesday, isn’t it? Stop being delusional, Tony.”

Well, delusional is not a nice word, and a fellow could get quite angry about a word like that, but Tony doesn’t want to go back to pack. Tony says, “I know it’s Tuesday, don’t I? I saw the calendar.” And he says, “Loki will be here, probably after lunch, and may I borrow another cigarette in the meantime?”

And Bruce says, “Well, I only have so much tobacco,” but he rolls him one anyhow, and Rhodey lights it for him.

And here’s the interesting part. Because it’s certainly not 3:00 yet, and they haven’t even had lunch yet, and here comes Happy all at once. Happy says, “Tony, you’ve got a visitor.”

And here’s Loki.

Loki says, “My goodness, it’s awfully _wet_ outside.” And he says, “Tony, how are you, Tony, I was going to get them to let us walk into town for lunch today, but Tony, it’s awfully _wet_ outside.”

Happy says… Oh, what does Happy say?

Here’s the thing, is when Loki comes, well, he will _hug_ Tony. He’ll always _hug_ him, and you know, most people never touch you, not unless you’re throwing a fit.

Well, Loki is hugging Tony, and Happy says something, and Loki says, “Well an umbrella.” He says something about an umbrella.

And then Happy says, “Four of us, Loki.” He says, “Four of us, and you, and how many umbrellas do you think we have?”

And Loki says, “The car.” He says something about the car, and, “I don’t suppose…” And, “lunch for all of us, I’ll pay.”

Here’s Rhodey. Rhodey says, “Unauthorized.” Something is unauthorized, and he says, “I haven’t cleared it…”

And Loki says, “Just for an hour, and isn’t Mr. Fury just down the hall?” And he says, “I’ll pay for gas…”

Rhodey says, “We won’t quibble about a few cents for gas.” And he says, “I suppose,” and, “Coulson, do you think you can handle this?”

Coulson says, “Well, I don’t know.”

And Loki says, “Oh, be a good fellow, I’ll bring you something, I’ll bring you whatever you want.” And he says, “This is a special day,” and, “my first story.” And he says, “I brought the newspaper to show Tony, and oh, for heaven’s sake, if I’m willing to _pay_.”

And here’s the thing, the _next_ thing that happens is Rhodey is there with Tony’s overcoat, and there’s Bruce in his overcoat too, and Rhodey and Happy are wearing theirs. And it is _awfully_ rainy outside, and they’re walking through the rain. It’s not Saturday, but they are walking to the car, and they’re driving to town.

And here’s Rhodey. Rhodey says, “In the back seat, Tony.” And Tony gets in, and Loki gets in with him, and Rhodey is on the other side. Rhodey says, “You fellows can talk, and I just won’t bother you.”

Then Loki says, “Here Tony, look at this.” Loki has a newspaper, and he shows it to Tony. He says, “No byline, not yet. Say, Tony, it’s the funniest thing, and you remember Milford, don’t you? And it’s so _small_ , but they need a police reporter, and they say I can move up.”

And here’s the newspaper, and there’s an article in it. Article says, “Police blotter,” and it says, “Second arrest,” and, “Public intoxication.”

And Loki says, “A small town, and its small crimes, I wonder what they’ll move me up to, perhaps covering the B’nai Brith charity banquet.”

And here’s Rhodey. Rhodey says, “A start is a start.”

Loki says, “I thought you were going to be quiet, oh never mind, I suppose it’s not important.”

Well they go into town, and it’s still raining awfully hard. What happens, is they drive into town, in the hospital car, and it’s awfully _large_ , with just the five of them in there. And Loki says, “I was thinking the lunch counter, but I suppose since it’s a special occasion,” and they go to the café, is where they go, all five of them go there. And Loki says, “Some pie,” and he gets a slice of apple pie in a box.

And Bruce says, “Get something for Reed.”

And Loki says, “Oh good heavens.” And he says, “I suppose I have to get something for every fellow on Three do I?”

And Bruce says, “Reed is my friend, and he’s Tony’s.” And he says, “Clint’s our friend too.”

And Loki says, “You’re a world-class extortionist, Bruce.” And he orders two more slices of pie, and then he says, “You fellows order whatever you want, it’s on me.”

And you know, it’s always awfully nice at the café. It’s sort of peaceful, and no one looks at you, and you could be anyone. And what did he eat? Well, that doesn’t matter, only it was quiet. And Loki says, “Here, Tony.” He keeps saying, “Here, Tony,” and he’ll give him some food, and you know, you eat it to please your friend.

Bruce says, “That was good.” And he says, “Do you know how long it’s been since I went to _that café?_ ” And he says something about his job, when he worked at the radio station.

Loki says, “Don’t expect me to take you every time, I’m not made of money.” And he says, “If it were just Tony,” something about Tony, and, “How much longer is this darned two-on-one going to last anyhow?”

Rhodey says…

Here’s Jarvis, and Jarvis says, “They’re talking about you, are you all right, Tony?”

Loki would _never_ talk about Tony in front of him, Loki has enough respect not too do that, at any rate. ~~(Loki says, “He is going to get better, isn’t he, Rhodey?)~~

Rhodey says…

Jarvis says, “They’re talking about you, _Loki_ is talking about you, Tony.”

And Rhodey says something. He says something about relapses, and, “ _Certain people,_ ” and, “starting to get _upset._ ”

Jarvis says, “They’re talking about you.” Jarvis should shut the hell up, Loki would never, he has too much respect. ~~And Loki says, “You and your relapses.”~~

~~And Rhodey says, “He’s incurable, Loki.”~~

Loki goes outside. And Happy says, “Tony, just cool down there, Tony.”

Rhodey says, “You want to go back to pack?”

Loki would _not_ talk about him, and _these fellows_ were talking about him, and you know a fellow doesn’t like things like that, a fellow likes some respect.

And Tony goes outside, and Rhodey says, “Happy.” And Happy says, “Aww Jesus, right after my pie…” He says something about pie.

And there’s Loki, and he’s standing… Well, he’s almost in the rain, is where he’s standing, and he’s got his coat collar up, and he’s got a cigarette out, he just lit himself a cigarette. And he says, “Incurable is just a word, Tony.”

And Tony says… Well, Jarvis is there, and Jarvis says, “Tony.” He says, “Are you all right, Tony, are you all right?”

And here comes Rhodey. He says, “Tony.” And he says, “Maybe we’d better go home now.”

And Happy is coming. You can see him through the door, and he’s got Bruce.

Loki says, “Incurable is just a word, Tony.” And Tony…

Well you know, they say _incurable_ , they will always say that. What it means… Well, what it _means_ … It means staying in Whittier forever, is what it means, and perhaps you belong there, perhaps you couldn’t be anyplace else, but you know, there are an awful lot of fellows at Whittier, and at least Tony’s got Loki.

And here’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “He was _talking about you_ , Loki was talking about you, Tony, are you all right?”

And here’s Loki. Tony says, “Incurable is just a word, Loki, are you all right?”

And Loki says, “Oh, Tony.”

Tony says, “Are you all right, Loki?”

And Loki says, “Oh Tony, I’ve lost so much, Tony, I’m not going to lose you too.”

Then Loki hugs him, and there they are, and it’s raining, and Loki smells like Phillip Morrises, and he smells like rain. And Tony says, “Jarvis said you were talking about me.” ~~(He _was_ talking about him.)~~

Loki says, “Oh, Tony.” And he says, “Sometimes I say things, Tony.”


	40. It's Still Tuesday, and It's Raining, and Loki Says Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, first Loki is talking about Tony again. Then he comes back, and he tells Tony something, about his Uncle Theo's place ~~(the one with the _sharp knives_ )~~. You know, a fellow can't always keep track of everything people say to him, no matter how hard he tries.

You go back to Whittier, and Loki says, “Rhodey. I want to talk to you, Rhodey.” 

Rhodey says, “Sure, Loki, what do you want to talk about?”

Loki is going to talk about him. He’s going to talk about him ~~(about Tony)~~. Everyone always says they have _respect_ for you, and then they will go and talk about you, and they’ll say all sorts of things. Loki said he had respect, but he’s going to talk about him just like everyone else.

Well Loki says, “Not here.” He says, “Say Tony, I’m just going to talk to Rhodey for a moment, I’m just going to talk to him, Tony.” Then he goes to the Nurse’s Station, and there goes Rhodey after him.

And here’s Clint. Clint says, “Say, what is that, is that _pie_?” 

Bruce says, “ _I_ got that for you.” He says, “Tony was going to forget, but I remember my friends, Clint.”

And here’s Reed. Reed says, “Pie? Is there a slice for me too?”

Bruce says, “I remember my friends, Tony was going to _forget_ , but I remembered.”

Bruce needs to shut his damn mouth. Bruce is talking about him too, everyone is talking about him, they always talk about him.

Reed says, “Say, that’s just fine.”

Clint says, “This is sure good pie.”

Everyone is right here, and there are so many people, so much talking and so many people. ~~(And Loki is somewhere, and he’s talking about him, and _what is he saying?_ )~~

Happy’s right there, and he says, “Tony.” He says, “Settle down, Tony, what’s the matter, Tony,” and, “Tony,” and, “Tony,” and, “Tony.” Someone is going to get themselves hit, or that pie will get thrown against the wall, perhaps.

Happy says, “Tony.” He says it again, and there are hands (on his shoulders). Happy says, “Tony,” and, “Why don’t you come out here?” He says, “A nice walk,” something about a nice walk, or a cigarette perhaps. And here’s a cigarette, and they’re outside, and it’s still raining very hard.

Happy says, “Look at you, what’s got you so upset all of a sudden?” And he says, “A nice lunch,” something about a nice lunch, and, “Your friend,” he says, “Here’s _your friend_ , he takes the time to visit you during the week, and this is how you act, Tony?” And he says, “You better shape up, not like he’s going to visit you every day of the week.”

Well, they will tell you to shape up. If they think you’re going to pitch a fit, they’ll say, “Shape up,” and if you don’t, well then you’re going to go to Seclusion, or you’re going to go to pack. 

Happy says, “Here, Tony.” And here’s a match, and his cigarette is lit, and Tony smokes it, and it’s raining, it’s raining awfully hard.

Here’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “Tony, are you all right?”

Tony says, “I’m all right.”

Happy says, “You better be.” He says, “It’s awful wet out here, we better go in.” Tony doesn’t _want_ to go in, and Happy says, “Well, I shouldn’t leave you out here by yourself, oh well, Tony, what are you going to do out here all by yourself?”

Tony could do an awful lot of things out here, if he wanted to. If you think there aren’t things a fellow could do out here in the rain, well you haven’t seen some of the sicker fellows. A fellow could pitch quite a fit out here if he wanted to, but Tony doesn’t want to. Tony’s spent quite enough time in pack lately, thank you very much. He just wants to smoke his cigarette. He wants some peace and quiet, and he doesn’t want to think… ~~(about _Loki_ talking about him.)~~

Happy says, “Well say, I guess I can watch you through this door, can’t I?”

Certainly he can. This two-on-one business is _quite_ a nuisance, and they ought to just get rid of it, Loki said that, didn’t he? ~~(Loki _talks about him._ )~~ Loki’s right, Tony doesn’t need it. Tony’s _just fine_ out here. ~~(Only Loki is _talking about him_.)~~

Happy says, “Say, you need another light, Tony?” But Tony doesn’t. You can light another cigarette from the first one if you’re fast enough. Tony’s _just fine_ out here, he just wants to be by himself and smoke. Anyhow, aren’t there things Happy should be doing inside in the dayroom?

After a while, here’s Loki. Loki says, “Say, Tony.” He says, “Say, Tony, I have to talk to you.” And he says, “Oh Tony, your hands are like _ice_ , Tony, why are you out here all by yourself, Tony, you’re going to catch your death.”

Death is what you can catch, if you’re out in the rain all by yourself, but you know, there are an awful lot of things that can happen to a fellow. Death is easier than some of them.

Loki says, “Inside,” and he says, “Right now.” He says, “Tony, get inside, they’re going to get you some coffee, why were you outside, Tony, why were you outside in the _rain_?”

A fellow can’t always explain everything that he’s doing. And Jarvis is there. Jarvis says, “Are you all right, Tony?”

Tony says, “I’m all right.”

Loki says, “Of course you are.” He says, “Say, Happy, bring some coffee, Happy, can you bring some coffee _now?_ ”

And here’s Happy. Happy puts a cup in Tony’s hand, a very hot cup, and it’s coffee, and it tastes rather good, actually. Happy says, “I was just right inside.” He says, “There’s no way he could have gotten into any trouble, I was just right inside the _door_.”

Loki says, “Apparently two-on-one means you’re there when you can get a free meal out of it, but you can’t be bothered to watch.” …Something. And watching, he says something about watching, and he says, “I was with Rhodey, I only had to talk to him for a minute, and I come back…” Loki says, “Tony, your hands are like ice, Tony, drink that coffee,” and Tony drinks it, and it’s pretty good coffee. Loki says, “Tony, I have to tell you something, I told Rhodey, and I have to tell you.” And he says, “Tony, you know I live in Connecticut now, don’t you?” He says something about Connecticut.

Happy says, “He can’t understand a word you’re saying, you can see that…” Something about seeing _something_.

Loki says, “Go bother someone who wants to be bothered, Tony and I are _fine_.”

And Happy says, “Two-on-one,” he says something about two-on-one, and then he goes away.

Loki says, “Tony, you remember Uncle Theo’s place in Milford, don’t you?”

And the place in Milford… ~~(is the place with the _sharp knives._ )~~ Tony remembers that place, it was near the ocean, and there was a yard in back, and flowers growing in front. And he visited there once… ~~(And there were knives, sharp, _sharp_ knives.)~~ And Aunt Josie said perhaps he could come again.

Loki says, “I’m living there, Tony, you know that, don’t you?” He says, “I’m living there, Tony, I can’t keep coming here twice a week, when I have a job in Milford, Tony, I’ll still visit on weekends, but not on Tuesdays and Thursdays, you understand, don’t you, Tony?”

Loki said something about Milford. He said something about the place in Milford, the one… ~~(with the sharp _knives_ )~~ …About Uncle Theo’s place in Milford. An awful lot has happened today, it’s difficult for a fellow to follow everything everyone says.

And here’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “Are you all right?” He keeps saying that, “Are you all right, are you all right, Tony?”

Tony says, “Why were you talking about me with Rhodey?”

Loki says, “Honestly?” He says, “I worry about you, Tony. I can’t keep coming twice a week to check on you, I just want you to be all right, Tony.”

Loki says, “Are you all right?” Jarvis says, “Are you all right?” Pretty much everyone keeps saying that, they keep saying, “Are you all right, Tony?”

Tony says, “I’m all right.”

And Loki says, “I know you are.” And he says, “Say, if you behave yourself, Rhodey says I can probably get another weekend pass for you soon, say, Tony, would you like to visit Uncle Theo and Aunt Josie again?”

~~(Uncle Theo’s place is the one with the sharp knives.)~~

Loki says, “Aunt Josie says she’d like to see you again, Tony. She says she’ll visit with me next Saturday, and she’ll bring you some cake, she made honey cake for Rosh Hashanah, and she says she’s going to bring you some.” Loki says, “She says she brought honey cake last year, but I don’t remember that, do you remember it, Tony?”

Aunt Josie brought cake. She brought some kind of cake, sometime. People do bring things.

Tony says, “I remember.”

And Loki says, “Of course you do.” He says, “Aunt Josie makes good honey cake, the best in America, I think, and you’ll remember,” he says, “You’ll remember …something, won’t you, Tony?”

Tony says, “I’ll remember.”

Loki says, “Please be good, Tony, you won’t go pitching a fit when I’m not here on Tuesday, will you?” And he says, “I’ll visit, I promise I’ll visit, not this Saturday, but next…” And he says, “I’ll bring Aunt Josie and we’ll visit, oh, you will be good, won’t you, Tony, I asked Rhodey to watch out for you, Tony.”

Loki asked Rhodey to watch out for him. Here’s Jarvis, and he says, “Loki is talking about you again.”

Tony says, “That’s not talking about me, that’s just asking for something.”

Jarvis says, “Are you all right, Tony?” But Tony is all right, Tony is _fine._ ~~(If only people wouldn’t always be _talking_ about him.)~~

Loki says, “Tell Jarvis to watch out for you too, Tony.” He says, “Tony, I want this to work out _so much_ , Tony, you _will_ be good, won’t you, and I’ll visit you next weekend.”

Tony says, “I’ll be good.”

And Loki says, “Of course you will,” and then he hugs Tony, and then he goes.

Here comes Bruce. Bruce says, “Coffee, eh?” He says, “I want some too, say, Happy, can I get some coffee?”

Happy says, “It’s too close to supper, Bruce, settle down.” And he says, “Both of you, settle down, why don’t you fellows smoke a cigarette or something?”

Bruce says, “I just wanted some _coffee_ , why does Tony get coffee and none of the rest of us do?”

And you know, here’s the thing. There’s still some coffee left in his cup, it’s a little cold, but it still tastes all right. And Tony gives it to Bruce, and he drinks it.

And Bruce says, “Thanks Tony, you’re a real friend.” And he says, “You want a cigarette?” But Tony got some when they were in town, he got three packs of Lucky Strikes, so he smokes one of those.


	41. Sometimes You're In Tubs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, Loki is dead, that's the first thing. Jarvis dropped a bomb, and Loki died, and his astral spirit lives up in the sky with Tony's mother. Now there's someone coming and visiting and pretending to be him, and goodness only knows who he is.

Here’s this fellow Parker, and he is talking about spiders. This fellow Parker has been awfully noisy, for an awfully long time, but he’s quiet now, and he’s talking about spiders. And he says, “House spider, Tony.” He says something about house spiders, and he says, “Note the distinctive, funnel-shaped web. Your house spider commonly eats crawling insects, such as beetles, earwigs, and cockroaches, interesting fact, Tony, house spiders have been known to survive for months, without either food or water.”

There are other fellows in here, but they’re not talking to you. They’re shouting, or they’re talking to themselves perhaps. Parker is talking to you. Tony was up in the sky, but he’s down here now. He’s down here, and Parker’s talking to him. This is tubs, because you’re in water, and there’s canvas holding you down, there’s tight, tight canvas. And it’s just Tony in here, Tony, and Parker, and some other fellows. The guards mostly leave you alone when you’re in tubs, they just come in now and then to check on you, because some fellows have been known to get loose from the canvas.

Parker says, “A house spider frequently abandons its web to make a new one. House spiders have been known to make up to 12 new webs a day, look, Tony, look at all the webs in the corners, those are house spiders’ webs Tony.”

There’s someone else in here. Who is in here? Well, it’s some fellow named Steve. It seems like Tony used to know Steve, but that was an awfully long time ago. And Steve says, “There certainly are a lot of webs, aren’t there?” And he says, “They certainly are messy, someone should clean up all those webs.”

And Parker says, “Well I suppose they’re all watching us.” He says, “They’re watching us, in case we get out of the canvas. I could get out if I wanted to, and then I’d climb up the walls just like a spider and get out of here, I could do that if I wanted to.”

Parker should just climb up the walls and get out of here, if he wants to so badly. No one wants him here, no one wants to listen to all his talk about spiders.

Here’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “Tony, are you all right? Tony, don’t slip under the water and drown, Tony.”

Tony says, “Can’t you see this canvas in the way, Jarvis?”

Parker says, “I wouldn’t let that canvas stop me, I’d just slip out from under it and climb up the walls like a spider.”

Then someone (an orderly or someone) says, “Settle down, all of you, can’t you just settle down?” And he says, “I could send you all to Seclusion.”

And someone else says, “They’re already here, that’s worse.” And he says, “Don’t you hate it when you got the crummy jobs? I should be in a ward doing regular duty right now, but instead I’m stuck here.”

Parker says something about spiders, and the other fellow (an orderly, probably) says, “Don’t I know it, and he says, “Say, go take a look-see and check on the crazies, willya?” And then some things happen.

Well, here’s Jarvis. He’s been here all along waiting, probably, but a fellow doesn’t always see him. Tony says, “I want to go up in the sky, Jarvis, I don’t want to be here.”

Jarvis says, “You can’t always be up in the sky, Tony.”

And Parker says something. He’s talking about spiders, something-something, and spiders. And that fellow Steve is shouting. And time is awfully strange when you’re in tubs, and sometimes it’s a minute that goes by, and sometimes it’s a year, or two years, or a hundred years. There aren’t any calendars, you can’t keep track, and none of the fellows here are going to tell you.

And after a while there’s someone here, and he says, “Tony, you’ve got a visitor, Tony.” And here comes someone into the room, and he’s gotten himself up to look just like Loki, but you know it can’t be Loki, Loki is dead, and his astral spirit lives up in the sky with Jarvis.

Someone (who looks like Loki) says, “Tony, oh, Tony, why? Tony, what happened?”

Someone (who looks like an orderly) says, “He’s been just awful, and he’s starting to calm down now. You better not set him off again.” And he says, “I didn’t think this was a good idea,” something wasn’t a good idea.

Someone who looks like Loki says, “I have a right,” he says something about having a right. And he says, “Tony, oh Tony, something,” and, “I’ve been raising holy Hell with Nurse Potts, to get you back on Three, but Tony, you’re going to have to… Something, you’re going to have to something, and, do you want to go back there in a straitjacket?”

Someone is not Loki, and if you had any doubts, well, Loki doesn’t talk about straitjackets. Someone is some kind of a pretense, and it’s the orderlies doing it probably (or perhaps he’s a dead man, walking). Someone says, “Tony, it’s Loki, talk to me, dammit.”

Someone is _not_ Loki. Loki died in an explosion. Jarvis is a warplane, he dropped a bomb. These things happen, at any rate, Loki’s astral spirit is in the sky now, with Jarvis.

Someone says, “Tony, I’m right here.” Someone is _lying._

And the fellow who looks like an orderly says, “You gonna try to talk sense to a loony?”

A week. Someone says, “A week,” something about a week. Someone is a goddamn liar, and they’d better shut the hell up. What does someone know, who shows up here pretending to be Loki, and they don’t even know Loki is dead?

He died in an explosion. Jarvis dropped a bomb.

Someone says, “That makes no sense, Tony.”

And someone else (an orderly perhaps) says, “Loony,” and he says something about loonies. Then he says, “You’re getting him upset again. Didn’t I tell you?”

Someone says, “Loki,” and he says, “Tony.” He says, “Dammit, Tony, I couldn’t visit, it was just a week, and I told Rhodey to watch out for you.”

 _Rhodey_ is an orderly. He works at Whittier, which is a mental hospital, and he works on Ward Three. Rhodey might or might not be dead, it’s difficult to remember, and there were an awful lot of bombs.

And here’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “Rhodey isn’t up in the sky with me, Tony, Rhodey is probably still on Three.” And he says, “Say, this fellow here is making an awful lot of noise, do you want me to drop a bomb on him, Tony?”

But there’s no reason to drop a bomb on him, he is probably just a dead man walking.

And Tony says, “Jarvis, I want to go up in the sky with you, Jarvis. I want to see Loki.”

But Jarvis says, “You know you can’t always go in the sky,” and Tony is stuck right here. He’s stuck here with this fellow who’s making all the noise.

This fellow says, “Tony.” (This fellow knows his name.) He says, “Tony, I brought Aunt Josie, Tony, you remember I said I’d come?”

 _Aunt Josie_ is Loki’s aunt. She lives in Milford, but sometimes she visits. She visits …someone … _somewhere_. (The sky is an awful lot easier than being down here, and having to talk to these people.)

This fellow says, “Cake,” he says something about cake. And he says, “Tony, I can’t always visit, Tony, you’ve got to learn,” and something, Tony has to learn something.

Aunt Josie should be in the sky. Loki is going to miss her, if she’s not up there, he’s going to miss her honey cake, which is the best in America. If only Tony could go up in the sky, and he could check if she’s there, but Jarvis says no.

Tony is _down here_. And this fellow keeps talking, he keeps saying an awful lot of things. And after a while he goes away. And here’s Jarvis. Tony says, “Jarvis, let me go up in the sky, Jarvis, let me go up there now.”

Jarvis says, “You have to stay on the ground, Tony.”


	42. Ward Fifteen Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you can live in the sky and on the ground at the same time, and Fifteen is not such a very bad place when you're living that way.

Here’s this fellow Parker, and he’s always wanting everyone to read the newspaper. And he’ll say, “Here’s the newspaper, you have to read the newspaper, you have to know what’s happening in the world.” Well, the thing is, it’s an awfully _old_ newspaper. Fifteen doesn’t have a subscription, and you look around, and you can see why. Fifteen is a very low ward, and most of the fellows here are awfully sick. You just look at how they treat their clothing, and their belongings, you know they’re not going to be able to take care of a newspaper.

And here Parker will come, and he’ll say, “Tony, read this, Tony, it’s the _newspaper_ ,” and Tony will take it. 

He’ll say, “Thank you, Parker, I certainly want to know what’s happening in the world,” and that’s called humoring him.

And here’s this fellow Steve. Steve will say, “What’s happening, is we’re going to get into the War soon, and my pal Bucky,” and something about his pal Bucky, he’s always talking about his pal Bucky. Steve is an awfully good friend, and he’s good company, only sometimes he’ll get delusional, and he’ll talk about something he was injected with, and how _strong_ he is now. And he’ll say, “Why I could win this War single-handedly,” and, “I don’t know why President Roosevelt doesn’t let me go over there, Tony, and I could win this War all by myself.” He’ll talk about the War, and about how strong he is, your best bet is just to avoid him when he’s like that, that’s what Fury says.

Well here’s an interesting thing that Tony has learned recently, and it seems that you can be up in the sky, and on the ground, at the same time. You wouldn’t think you could, would you? But apparently it’s possible, perhaps it’s an improvement in Jarvis’ technology. Lately he’s been letting Tony live in both places at once, he must have been improved sometime while Tony wasn’t watching (perhaps while he was in tubs). The thing is, not to question these things. When something good happens, you’d better not question it, or it might turn out to not to be true.

And Tony’s been living on the ground, and in the sky. He’s been living this way since he left tubs. And you know, Fifteen isn’t so _very_ bad, when you live this way.

And here’s this fellow Parker. Parker says, “Say, Tony,” and he says, “Tony, you have to read this, you have to read it _right now_ , Tony.”

And Steve’s someplace else. Steve’s been talking an awful lot about super-soldiers today, and you don’t want to go near him when he’s like that. And there isn’t anyone else to talk to, there’s just Parker, because all the other fellows on Fifteen are too sick, and they don’t make much sense. And Parker says, “Here, Tony, you have to read this.”

And Tony says, “Well thank you, Parker,” and he says, “It certainly is important to know what’s happening in the world.”

And Parker says, “Yes, it certainly is,” and then he starts talking about spiders.

Here’s Jarvis (in the sky-part). Jarvis says, “That fellow certainly does know an awful lot about spiders.” And Parker does, but you don’t have to listen too carefully, you’ve heard it all before. And there’s never anything new, Parker's only got one book about spiders, and some of the other fellows on Fifteen threw that one out the window. 

Tony’s got a pack of Lucky Strikes in his pocket. He’s got an almost-full pack, he’s not sure where it came from. And he takes it out. Tony says, “Say, Parker, do you want a cigarette?”

And that fellow Parker says, “You know I’m too young to smoke, those things will stunt your growth, Tony.” But he takes one anyway, and then Fury gives them a light.

And here’s something interesting that happens, it happens right after that. Because Tony looks around, and suddenly, there’s Loki. And here’s Fury. Fury says, “Tony, say Tony, you have a visitor,” and then there’s Loki.

Now you know you’re in the sky-part, because Loki is dead. Jarvis is a warplane, and he dropped a bomb, and there was a big explosion. Perhaps some other people were also killed, you’re not sure about that, but Tony’s _seen_ Mother and Loki up in the sky, he knows they’re up there.

And here comes Loki. Loki’s got someone with him, and she _seems_ to be Aunt Josie. Here is one place where the sky-part and the ground part are very close together, and here comes Aunt Josie (who is _not_ in the sky), and she’s walking next to Loki (who is). And here’s Fury (who isn’t in the sky), and he’s walking with them.

Loki says, “How is he?” He asks how someone is.

And Fury says, “He’s here, isn’t he? And not in tubs?”

Loki says, “Good,” and he says, “Oh, Aunt Josie, the last time I was here,” and something about the last time he was … _somewhere_. And he says, “He didn’t know me, he said I was …something.”

Aunt Josie says, “It hurts, doesn’t it?”

And Loki says, “I have to remind myself how it felt to be on the other side, and if you think that hurts, Aunt Josie, and something,” he says something else after that.

And then there they are. Fury says, “Tony, look who’s here to see you, Tony.” 

Fury doesn’t realize that Tony saw Loki just this morning. He doesn’t understand about how the sky works, no one does here, and they think it’s all a delusion. People can’t understand what’s in front of their plain eyes. It’s good to see him again, though, and Tony says, “Loki,” and then Loki comes over and he hugs him.

(Loki hugs him an awful lot, up in the sky. What’s strange, is this doesn’t make the hugs any easier down on the ground. This is a _sky_ -hug though, so it’s all right.) And Loki says, “Tony, it’s good to see you, Tony.”

Tony says, “It’s good to see _you_.” (Sky-Loki is very warm, and he smells like Phillip Morris cigarettes, and …something, he smells like something else, something spicy. And his voice is different than it was this morning.)

Sky-Loki says, “Look who’s here, and she came with me, Tony, and she wanted to visit.” And he says, “Oh, Tony, I’m so _glad_ to see you better, Tony, and I talked to Nurse Potts…” He says something about Nurse Potts.

Aunt Josie says, “Let him get a word in edgewise, Loki.”

Sky-Loki says, “I want him to _know,_ Aunt Josie.” He wants someone to know something.

Aunt Josie says, “Not right now.”

(If Jarvis were around right now, Tony would ask if Aunt Josie is up in the sky too, sometimes it’s difficult to tell who is and who isn’t. But he’s off somewhere right now, perhaps talking with Mother.)

Sky-Loki says, “Tony, we brought you something.” He says, “Look, Tony,” and here’s a basket, it’s a picnic basket. And he says, “Is there a table anyplace on this ward?”

Well there isn’t a table on Fifteen, of course. Most of the fellows here are awfully sick, and they’d probably knock it over or something. And Sky-Loki says, “Fury, can you…something?” And he says, “Perhaps if you’d let us,” and then there’s Fury, and he says, “It would be as much as my job is worth, Loki.”

Sky-Loki says, "I suppose this will have to do," and he takes Tony over. They go over and sit on some of the chairs by the window, and Loki brings out what he brought. Sky-Loki has brought a picnic basket. And there’s a thermos in there, and it’s got coffee in it, and there’s a box, and it’s got cake in it. This is sky-food, you can trust sky-food. And Aunt Josie says, “How are you, Tony, and do you have everything you need, Tony?” And she says, “Theo and I are looking forward to having you visit again.”

Sky-Loki says, “It _is_ going to happen.” Sky-Loki is acting rather groundish, all of a sudden. Just where is he, and just which Loki is he, really? Is he the real (dead) Loki, or is he the pretender from before, who was here _pretending_ (that was when Tony was in tubs)? That man was a dead man walking, a fellow doesn’t want dead men visiting him, he doesn’t want to touch them, and eat their dead food.

Here’s Fury, and he says, “Maybe you’d better…” He says, “Overstaying your welcome,” someone is overstaying their welcome.

Sky-Loki (if this _is_ him) says, “No, oh Tony, please.” And he says, “Tony, I’ll be back, here, Tony, I brought you something.”

Sky-Loki has brought cigarettes. He’s brought three packs of cigarettes, and these are sky-cigarettes, so they're all right. Tony says, “Thank you, Loki.”

Sky-Loki says, “I _will_ be back, Tony.”

Jarvis says, “Loki is already up in the sky, Tony, this is a dead man walking.” But the cigarettes seem to be sky-cigarettes, how does that make any sense at all?

After that, _someone_ (whoever he is) goes away, and Aunt Josie goes with him. After that Parker comes back again, and he says, “Tony, you have to read this.”

And here’s Steve. Steve isn’t being delusional right now, and he says, “Here, I’ll read your newspaper, Parker.”

And here’s Fury. Fury says, “Well, there’s still plenty of cake, Tony, what do you want me to do with your cake?”

It’s sky-cake, but the other fellows want some. Tony says, “Give them some, I don’t think it will do them any harm,” and he lets them have some of his sky-cigarettes too.


	43. Good News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, Tony is going to get a transfer. Loki tells him that, and apparently it's true. (This is _real_ Loki, the pretender has gone away.)

Well, here’s this fellow Parker, and he’s got a newspaper. It’s been a while since this fellow Parker had a newspaper. One of the other fellows flushed his other one down the toilet, that happened quite a while back, it seems like. But then Tony’s been on Fifteen now, for an awfully long time. He’s been here… Well it’s been years, in sky-time, he’s not sure how long it’s been in ground-time.

And here comes this fellow Parker. And he’s got this newspaper, and he says, “Here, Tony, here, you have to read this, this is the _news_ , Tony.”

This is a nice, clean copy of the newspaper, and Tony takes it, and he says, “Thank you, Parker,” and he says, “It’s always important to know what’s happening in the world.”

Parker says, “That’s _The Concord Enterprise,_ here, look at the date, Tony, look, it’s December 7th today, it’s December 7th, 1940.” Parker says, “Fury gave that to me, Tony, and he said it was today’s newspaper.”

Apparently, it is _December_ in ground-time, right now.

Tony has been on the ground for a while now, and that’s all right, you can’t always be in the sky. Things were getting rather bad in the sky anyhow. Howard got in there for a while. That was bad, and Jarvis… Well Jarvis is _gone_ , and first he left the sky. And Tony couldn’t leave the sky, but Jarvis left, and Loki, and Mother. And then it was just him and Howard up there, and it was _bad_. He’d rather be on the ground.

And apparently, it is December on the ground right now. And here’s this fellow Parker, and he gives him the newspaper. Parker says, “Here, it’s December 5th, here, read the headlines, Tony.” Then Parker reads them, and the headlines say, “Allied Victory. Greek Army Takes Gjirokaster,” and they say, “Allied Bombing of Dusseldorf Cripples Nazi Munitions Plant.” Parker says, “Those are very important headlines, that’s what’s happening in the world right now, Tony.”

And here’s Steve. Steve says, “Those headlines lie.” He says, “I was there, I saw. Those bombing planes were shot down, all of them were shot down, oh, why won’t President Roosevelt send me over there? I could win this war, I could win it single-handed.”

Steve is being delusional again. You can try to humor him, but it’s better just to get away. And Tony says, “That’s awfully interesting, Steve, say Parker, do you want to play cards?” There’s a deck of cards at the Nurse’s Station. It’s missing a few, but there are still some games you can play. And Tony says, “That’s awfully interesting, Steve, say, Parker, would you like to play Old Maid, or perhaps Go Fish?”

Parker says, “No, Steve, you’re wrong.” Parker takes the newspaper, he _grabs_ it, right out of Tony’s hands. Parker is acting like Howard ~~(perhaps this is Howard, in Parker’s body)~~ , he’s just being horribly rude. And he says, “You’re _wrong_ , Steve, here, look, the headlines _say_ , look what they say, Steve.”

Steve says, “You better take that back.” He says, “I think I should _know_ , I was _there_ wasn’t I, and didn’t I lead the Howling… _something_?” He says something about the Howling Something, and he grabs the newspaper right out of Parker’s hands.

(Steve is also Howard. They are up in the sky now, apparently. Tony wants to get out of the sky.)

Here’s Fury. Fury says, “You two fellows stop that, I’ll send you both to pack.”

(Fury is not in the sky. He’s on the ground, if Tony can get to him, he’ll be on the ground, or if he can get to the Nurse’s Station.)

Fury says, “You two fellows settle down.” Then that fellow Parker says, “My newspaper, goddammit, that’s _mine_.” Steve says, “You’re wrong, and I could win this war, and President Roosevelt…”

And Fury says, “Someone…” He says, “Someone, I need some help in here, where are all of you?”

_Loud_ footsteps come. Tony is over by the wall (somehow). Someone is over there. They say, “Tony, are you all right?” Jarvis is still not here. ~~(Howard has killed him perhaps.)~~ You wouldn’t think you’d miss him as much as this. But here’s someone, and they say, “Tony, are you all right?”

Tony says, “I _don’t_ want to go back to the sky.”

Someone says, “Of course you don’t, let’s get you out of here.” He says, “You fellows see to Parker and Steve, I’ll take Tony…” He’ll take Tony …somewhere. Then they’re at the Nurse’s Station. It’s nice and quiet there, and it’s definitely the ground (there’s no sky-halo).

Someone is Coulson. He’s an orderly, and Tony knows him from before. Coulson says, “Of course you don’t want to go back to… Where was it? It was tubs you said, wasn’t it?” He says, “It’s _Saturday_ , Tony, you know you have a visitor coming today.”

(Apparently, Tony has a visitor coming.)

Coulson says, “Loki always visits on Saturdays.” He says, “He certainly is reliable, Tony, and I never would have thought…” Something, he never would have thought _something._

Apparently, Loki is going to visit. If you think about it, you remember that he’s been here before. It’s difficult keeping track, what with the differences between sky-time and ground-time, but it seems like if you think about it, you can remember seeing him here. …It seems like you can remember another visitor too. There was a pretender, wasn’t there? And he pretended to be Loki ~~(perhaps this was Howard also)~~. It’ll be nice if the _real_ Loki visits for a change, because it’s been a long time since Tony’s seen him, not since he left the sky.

Coulson says, “Yes, Loki’s making a real success of …something.” (Apparently Loki’s making a success of something.) And he says, “You’re not doing too bad yourself, Tony, you’ve been keeping your nose clean, and a transfer…” He says something about a transfer.

Well it would be nice if Jarvis were here. It’s always good to have someone to talk to about a transfer. But Jarvis is gone ~~(probably Howard killed him)~~. Loki might come though, Coulson says he will, and then Tony can talk to Loki.

And Coulson says, “A magazine,” he says something about a magazine, and then there’s something in Tony’s hands. What it is, is an awfully _old_ copy of _Life_ , that he’s read an awful lot of times already. And it’s got pictures of warplanes on it, and that reminds Tony of Jarvis ~~(and Howard might be in these warplanes as well)~~. Tony gives it to Coulson. Coulson says, “Well, well, aren’t we picky?” And he says, “Loki will be here soon, anyhow, that’ll keep you occupied.”

It’s very quiet and empty, in the hallway by the Nurse’s Station, but it’s also very peaceful there. And there’s no one shouting or throwing things. And there are no loud feet running by. ~~(And Howard’s not there.)~~ Tony’s got half a pack of cigarettes in his pocket. It seems that he doesn’t quite remember how they got there, but there they are, and Coulson gives him a light. After a while, someone else comes, and it’s Loki.

This is ground-Loki. He doesn’t have a sky-halo, and he’s not Howard, you can tell. _Real_ Loki is here, and he says, “Oh Tony, such good news Tony, and a transfer.” He says something about a transfer, and he hugs Tony, and it’s all right, because this is _real_ Loki, so Tony hugs him back.

And here’s Coulson. Coulson says something.

Loki says, “ _Ten_ , that’s an awfully good transfer, and five wards, Tony.”

Tony says, “Perhaps Jarvis will be on Ten.” 

Loki says, “I’m sure he will be,” and he says, “You can start getting some privileges, Tony, they’ll let you go off-ward on Ten if you’re good, won’t they?”

Ten lets you go off-ward with an orderly, Tony _thinks_ it’s Ten where you can do that. Of course you have to keep your nose clean.

Loki says, “I’m not worried.” He says, “You’re good at keeping your nose clean, Tony, I remember, you were always better at it than I was.”

Loki used to be very _bad_ at keeping his nose clean, and he never had any privileges, and half the time he couldn’t leave the ward even with an orderly.

Loki says, “I’m looking forward.” He says something about looking forward, and he says, “A car, oh Tony, I can’t wait to show you my car.”

(Apparently, Loki has a car.)

Loki says, “Roadster.” He says something about a roadster, and he says, “Of course it was fearfully expensive, but a Christmas bonus, and you wouldn’t think a weekly paper would give Christmas bonuses, would you, Tony?”

(Apparently, Loki is going to get a Christmas bonus.)

Loki says, “I can’t wait to take you for a drive, Tony.” He says, “I’m a much better driver than you’d think Tony, Uncle Theo even lets me drive Aunt Josie, and I can’t wait to take you for a drive, Tony.” And he says, “Perhaps by Christmas.” Perhaps _something_ will happen by Christmas.

Perhaps Jarvis will be back by Christmas, and perhaps he can take a drive with Tony and Loki. And Loki says, “I’m sure he will, Tony, I’m sure Jarvis will be back soon.”

(Loki is trying his best, but he doesn’t really understand. Loki can’t always see everything in front of his plain eyes. Most people can’t.)

Parker and Steve aren’t in the dayroom any more, when Tony and Loki go in there. And Loki says, “Your friend Steve?”

And Fury says, “ _Certain people_ are in pack.” He says, “Him and Parker both, the two of them, kicking up such a fuss over nothing.” And he says, “Say Loki, you didn’t bring any of your aunt’s good cake?”

Loki says, “ _Cookies._ And they’re for Tony.”

Fury says, “That’s all right, Tony’s a good fellow, he’ll let me have some.”

Fury can have some, certainly, there are bound to be plenty, and more than Tony can eat himself. The strange thing is, though, that it seems that Loki’s brought cake and cookies before. Perhaps Tony was still in the sky then.


	44. Ward Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ten's not so bad. It's fearfully low, of course, but it's not as bad as Fifteen. And Tony has to talk to the fellows there, because Jarvis is not around ~~(Howard killed him)~~.

Here’s Wilson. Wilson says, “It’s a beautiful day outside, what say we go outside fellows, it’s such a beautiful day.”

Well Tony’s in the dayroom, he’s playing cards. And here’s this fellow Stephen. Stephen says, “My mystical powers tell me it is going to be cold outside.” Stephen is all right, but he _will_ talk about his mystical powers, and he says, “I don’t want to go outside, my mystical powers tell me it will be cold.”

Ben says, “Shut up and deal the cards, Stephen, are we going to play poker or aren’t we?”

Stephen says, “I prefer to be addressed by my title. I call you _Corporal_ Grimm, don’t I?”

Ben says, “To hell with that,” and he says, “Shut up and deal the goddamn cards.”

Here’s Wilson again. He says, “Both you fellows settle down,” and he says something about Tony, he says, “Have either of you fellows bothered to think what Tony might like?”

Well there’s the window, and it’s awfully cloudy out there, and it looks cold, and Tony says, “I’d rather stay inside, thank you.”

Wilson says, “You need to get out.” And he says, “You fellows have been cooped up in here all week, you fellows are starting to get stir crazy.”

Stephen says, “Allegations.” Something about allegations, and, “Who are you, _Mr. Wilson_ , to make allegations about other people being crazy?”

Wilson says, “I’m the guy that can send you to pack and we _are_ going outside.” He’s getting everyone up, and he takes the cards. Wilson says, “Say Cage, why don’t you put these away, why don’t you make yourself useful for once?”

Here’s this other orderly, this orderly called Cage, and he says, “I’m here, you don’t have to talk like you do all the work around here.”

And Wilson says, “Stephen, all you fellows, let’s go get your coats.”

Stephen says, “I prefer to be addressed by my title, call me _Doctor Strange_ , please.”

And there’s Ben. Ben says, “To hell with that.” He says, “I was playing cards, I don’t want to go outside.”

Cage says, “You’ll go outside and like it,” and then they go.

Well Ten isn’t such a very bad ward. It’s fearfully low of course, but it could be worse, it’s not as bad as Fifteen. On Fifteen, they just dump all these coats on the ground. You have to go over there and you grab whichever one you can, and some of those fellows on Fifteen don’t take such awfully good care of a coat. Here on Ten, at least you get your own coat.

Well they go outside. And it really is awfully cold out there. You’re out in the courtyard. You can see the sunshine, but of course none of it gets to you, not standing there in the courtyard. And here’s Cage. Cage says, “My God, it’s cold out here.”

Wilson says, “You sound just like the crazies.”

And Cage says, “We could take ‘em to the rec room, we could do some PT with ‘em instead.”

Wilson says, “That don’t do it, they need to be outside, or they stay just as loopy as before, ain’t you noticed?”

Cage says, “These fellows are always loopy.” 

Wilson says, “Don’t I know it.” And he says, “Over here, fellows, any of you need a light?”

Well Tony _has_ cigarettes. He has almost a full pack, Loki brought them when he was here… When was it that he was here? It was December, wasn’t it? And Loki brought him some cigarettes when he was here in _December_ , and Tony still has almost a full pack left. And he takes them out and he gets one.

There’s Ben, and he says, “Say listen Tony, I’m a little short right now, you mind spotting me one of those?”

Ben never has any cigarettes. He smokes Camels (I’d walk a mile for a Camel), but it seems like he never has any. You’d think he’d plan better. Store orders are once a week, a fellow’s supposed to order cigarettes then.

And Ben says, “Tony, say listen Tony, be a pal, I’d give you one.”

Sometimes a fellow likes to keep his own cigarettes. And here’s Stephen. Stephen says, “I’m afraid I’m a little short too.” And you know, there’s all these people, and they all want a cigarette.

Wilson says, “Why don’t you give ‘em one, Tony. He says, “Store order’s tomorrow, you can get more, why don’t you give ‘em one?”

Cage says, “You got plenty, and Tony, you want to go to pack?”

Tony has been in pack, and he doesn’t want to go back, thank you very much. He says, “Here, Ben, here Stephen.” And then Wilson gives him a light, and he lights the other fellows’ cigarettes too.

Well you have to talk to whoever you can find. Jarvis still isn’t around ~~(He’s dead, Howard killed him.)~~ , and Tony’s got to talk to whoever he can find here. And Stephen isn’t so bad, but right now he’s talking about Baron Mordo. He says, “Tony, my mystical powers allow me to see,” and something about his mystical powers, and, "Another dimension, and Mordo is controlling you, Tony, isn’t he?” You don’t want to talk to him when he’s like that.

And Tony goes over, and he talks to Ben instead. Ben says, “Thanks for the cigarette, you’re a real pal, Tony,” and he says, “Say, what are you going to do when you get out of here, Tony?”

People are always talking about what they’ll do when they get out of here, and then most of them never do. Loki got out of here. Loki’s working for a newspaper now. He’s living with Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo, and he’s working for a newspaper, and he’s making a real success of himself these days.

Ben says, “Me, I’m going back to Yancy Street.” He says, “I got pals on Yancy Street, I was a big guy there, I knew everybody.”

~~Sometimes Tony thinks he’ll never get out. He’ll die here, Howard will kill him (and he won’t be able to go to the sky, because Howard is up there).~~

Ben says, “What are you going to do when you get out, Tony?”

~~Sometimes you don’t want to think about getting out. Sometimes it seems like it’s never going to happen, you’re going to die here (Howard will kill you).~~ Tony says, “Perhaps I’ll go to California.” He says “Mother’s there, now that Howard’s in the sky, she’ll be glad to see me, and Jarvis.”

Ben says, “I know Jarvis.” He says, “I know Jarvis, he was a big guy on Yancy Street.”

(Ben doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He’s _never_ seen Jarvis, he doesn’t know anything about him.)

And Ben says, “Cool down, why don’t you cool down, Tony?” And he says, “It was probably someone else, and he just looked like him, I don’t want no trouble Tony, I don’t want to go back to pack.”

And it is _awfully_ cold out here. Wilson says, “You fellows get moving, you stand here, you’re just going to get colder.”

Where are they going to move around? It’s just this little courtyard.

Wilson says, “Well we’re not going anywhere else, they haven’t shoveled the walks yet.”

Ben says, “Well it’s _cold_.”

Cage says, “Let’s just go inside already, I ain’t staying out here any longer, these fellows have had enough exercise.” And they go inside.

They’re in the dayroom, and here comes Stephen. Stephen has stopped being delusional. He says, “Say Ben, say Tony, do you want to play cards?”

Ben says, “I’ll deal, you’re a goddamn cheater, Stephen.”

And Stephen says, “Allegations,” and he says, “I prefer to be addressed by my title, call me _Doctor Strange,_ please.”


	45. Here's Jarvis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki visits, and some thing happen, and most of them are good things (if only it weren't for the _horrible_ calendar).

Well, here’s Loki, all of a sudden, and he hugs Tony (he’s always hugging him), and he says, “Tony, such good news. And Wilson,” he says something about Wilson, and, “real progress, Tony,” _someone_ is making real progress doing _something._ And Loki says, “Saturday, you know I come every Saturday, Tony.”

(Apparently this is a Saturday.)

Loki says, “You have to start looking at the calendar, Tony, you know they like to see you showing a good orientation in reality, Tony.”

It’s true. Tony’s been to an awful lot of doctor’s hearings. They always ask what day it is, and they like it when you know, and that’s having a good orientation in reality. Fellows who have a good orientation in reality are always the ones who are going to get a transfer.

Here’s the calendar. It’s right outside the Nurse’s Office, Loki takes him there, and... Oh dear, this calendar has an _awful_ picture on it. _This_ calendar has a picture… ~~Of Howard, it has a picture of Howard, Howard is sitting there, and he’s _looking_. And there’s Tony, Howard is _looking at Tony._ Tony’s got a Christmas present, and Howard is _looking at him_. And here’s Mother looking (but Howard won’t let her get to Tony).~~ This is a horrible picture, what kind of calendar has a horrible picture like this? Tony won’t look at this picture.

You know, there are times when you really want Jarvis. Where is Jarvis?

Loki says, “Tony, it’s just a calendar, and something, Tony.” He says, “It’s just a calendar, Tony, it’s all right.”

Here’s the thing with a calendar, is you _don’t_ have to look at the picture. The important part of a calendar is the _date_ , it’s not the picture ~~(the horrible picture, with Howard _looking_ )~~, all you have to do is look at the date ~~(if only the picture weren’t so awful)~~.

Loki says, “It’s all right Tony,” and Tony looks, and it’s all right, as long as he only looks at the date. And apparently it is December the 14th. The _date_ on the calendar is December 14th, and it’s all right (it’s just the picture that’s awful).

Loki says, “It’s all right, Tony.” Tony looks at the ~~(horrible)~~ calendar, and he sees the date. Loki says, “I want you to look at the calendar every day, Tony, you know it’s important.” And he says, “Transfer,” something about a transfer.

You know, sometimes months last an awfully long time, some of them can last for _years_. And if only Jarvis were here, if only he were here right now to help Tony.

Loki says, “Promise me, Tony.”

And Tony says, “I promise.” (But if only Jarvis were here.)

And then Loki says, “Outside,” he says something about outside, and then here’s Cage, and Cage has Tony’s coat.

Cage says, “Cold outside, and you really want to go out there?”

Loki says, “Yes, and I want to go to the garden, Tony likes the garden.”

And Cage says something about off-ward privileges, Tony doesn’t have off-ward privileges. (This is _not_ just Tony, it’s not because he’s sick or anything. None of the fellows on Ten have them.)

Loki says, “Oh, for God’s sake,” and he puts _something_ in Cage’s hand, he puts some money there, and he says, “Half my paycheck, and bribery,” he says something about bribery.

Then Cage says, “If we got caught,” and he says, “As much as my job’s worth, you gotta make it worth a fellow’s time.”

And here’s the thing, is they go outside after that. And Tony’s got his coat on, and it’s buttoned up, and the collar’s turned up to keep the wind out, and they go outside, they go over to the garden. And the grass is green, but there’s snow on it, there are these little patches of snow, on the green grass. And the trees are bare, and there aren’t any flowers. And here’s this bench, it’s this bench in the sunshine.

Loki says, “Your favorite bench, Tony,” and he says, “Tony, do you remember?”

Tony remembers. He’s always liked sitting in the sunshine. And here’s this other bench, this one that was always Loki’s favorite. Loki does _not_ like to sit in the sunshine, but today the sun is shining on his bench too, because there aren’t any leaves left on the trees.

And Tony sits down, and then Loki sits down. And say look, here Loki has a picnic basket with him. And he opens it, and there is coffee in there, and he says, “Here, Tony,” and the coffee is warm, and Tony’s fingers were awfully cold.

Loki says, “I brought sandwiches, but drink your coffee first, Tony,” and he says, “Seder,” something about Seder, and he says, “Challah, and Aunt Josie’s roast chicken.”

You know, these are awfully good sandwiches, and the cookies are good, and they have nuts and raisins in them.

And Cage says something about, “Gee, that food looks really good.”

Loki says, “I _paid_ you, what more do you want?” And he says, “Here, Tony, I brought something, Tony.”

And here’s a picture in Tony’s hand. It’s an awfully nice picture of Loki, and he’s wearing his camel’s-hair coat with the collar up, just like he is now, and he’s got his hat on. And here’s something, there’s something in back of him…

That’s _Jarvis_ in back of him. You’d know him anywhere, that’s Jarvis, and he’s taken the form of an awfully nice little two-seater roadster, and it’s very shiny, and it’s definitely Jarvis. There has been more some astral-transubstantiatory transference going on apparently, because here’s Jarvis, and he’s with Loki now. Loki is doing very well, he is making a real success of himself these days, but Jarvis is always there when a fellow needs help, perhaps Loki needs help with something. (Perhaps he’ll come back to Tony, when Loki doesn’t need him anymore.)

And Loki says, “My new car,” and something about going for a ride, “Perhaps we can go for a ride, and Tony,” and he says, “You _have_ to check the calendar, Tony.”

~~(The _horrible_ calendar.)~~

Loki says, “You have to.”

(If _only_ Jarvis were here.)

Jarvis is with Loki, perhaps Loki needs him. And Loki says, “You have to _try_ , Tony.”

And Tony says, “All right.”

Most months are only a month long, probably this one will be too ~~(although it’s got Howard, he’s _right there by the Nurse’s Station_ , on that horrible calendar)~~. And if only Jarvis were here, but he’s with Loki, perhaps Loki needs him. Or if Mother were here, but she’s in California. (She is still there, isn’t she?)

And Tony says, “I’ll try.”

And then Loki says, “That’s good.” And he hugs Tony. And it’s cold out here, and the coffee is all gone, and this bench is cold. Loki’s hug feels awfully good, on a cold day like this. And after a while they go inside. 

And there is still some food left from their lunch. And here’s Stephen, and here’s Ben, and here’s this other fellow named Hank. And Loki says, “I suppose these are your friends, Tony? Are these your friends on Ten?”

Stephen and the other fellows are very sick, but of course Ten is an awfully low ward. A fellow has to make friends where he can, on such a low ward.

And Loki says, “Would your friends like some lunch, Tony?” And there’s still one sandwich left, and there are quite a lot of cookies.

Stephen says, “My mystical powers will multiply this sandwich,” and he waves his hand.

And Ben says, “You’re being delusional,” something about being delusional.

Stephen says, “Allegations.” Then Loki breaks the sandwich into three pieces, and he gives one to Stephen, and one each to Ben and Hank.

And Ben says, “Say, this chicken is great, I ain’t had such good chicken since I was back home on Yancy Street.”


	46. The Horrible Calendar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know, it's _not_ the picture that matters, with a calendar. It's really, just the days and the month that you have to look at, and now that Jarvis has taken the picture down, well Tony can look at this calendar every day, if he wants to.

If you just listen very carefully, you can hear him. He’s right there in the picture, see. Loki _gave_ Tony that picture, he _gave it to him_. And Jarvis is right there in it. And at first you don’t hear him. Loki says, “Here, Tony.” He says, “I want you to keep this,” and he gives him the picture.” He says, “You can have that now, Tony, but I haven't given up, we’re going to get you transferred, Tony, you have to look at the calendar, and once you've got off-ward privileges, well then I’ll take you for a ride in my new car.”

Loki has a new car. He took a picture of it, he’s standing there in front of it and he’s smiling. And he gave that picture to Tony, and _it has Jarvis in it._

Jarvis is in the car. Or perhaps he is in the picture, Jarvis hasn’t told him yet, which one it is. But he’s _there_ , Jarvis is there, and if you listen very closely, you can hear him.

And Tony took that picture. Loki said, “I have to go now, Tony.” And he said, “It’s so good.” Something was so good, and it seems like what that was, was being able to ride home with Jarvis. And then he left, and Tony went back inside with Cage.

Tony said, “I want my billfold.” Tony has a billfold. ~~Howard~~ _Someone_ got it for him. _Someone_ said, “Calfskin, Tony.” He said, “Always get the best, Tony, it pays off in the end,” and he bought him that calfskin billfold. There’s a space in it for holding pictures. Tony has some pictures in there. There’s a picture of Mother, from when he graduated from Andover, and there’s a picture of Jarvis, from when he was alive. A billfold is the right place for putting pictures, and then you can take it out and you can show them to people. And Tony says, “I want my billfold,” because he doesn’t have it, he doesn’t know where it is.

Cage says, “What’s that?” He says, “You have a billfold? Since when did you have a billfold?”

And there’s Wilson. Wilson says, “What’s he talking about?”

Cage says, “Something about a billfold.”

And Wilson says, “What kind of crazy idea?” And he says, “Tell him we only got what they sent over from Fifteen.”

Tony _has_ a billfold. He used to have it… Oh goodness, when did he have it? When was the last time? Well, he knows he had it when he was in Danbury, because he used to put his pay in there every Friday. And he’d take that money, he’d go to the market and get groceries. Or you could go to the lunch counter on the corner and get a hamburger, if the war-noises were too loud at the market. Or you could buy a bus pass. He had his library card in there, but where is it now? Where is his billfold?

Tony _wants_ his billfold, but he doesn’t get angry. They don’t like it when you get angry, and they’ll say, “Oh Tony, calm down, Tony, do you want to go to pack?”

Tony says, “I had it when I came here.” And they have a place. They’ll put all your things there when they bring you in, then when you’re released, there they all are, and they’ll give them to you. Tony says, “It’s _my_ billfold, get it for me.”

Wilson says, “Oh Christ, if it will get you to shut up.” He says, “I’ll _ask_ Tony, just give me some time.”

Wilson is going to _ask_. He’ll find Tony’s billfold, he’d better find it. It had better be there, and _someone_ ~~(Howard)~~ had better not have taken it. But Tony has a picture of Jarvis at any rate. It’s a picture of Jarvis and Loki, and he’ll put it in his billfold when he gets it. Right now, that picture is in his pocket. And it’s the next day when he finds out you can hear Jarvis from in there, it’s December the 15th.

And it’s morning, and Tony goes over to the calendar. It’s after breakfast, and he goes over there, and then here comes Ben. Ben says, “What are you doing over there?”

Tony says, “I’m looking at the calendar, aren’t I?”

Well Ben says, “What do you want to do that for?” Ben is awfully sick, and he doesn’t understand that you need to keep track of these things if you want a transfer. It’s called having a good orientation in reality, and they’ll ask you what day it is, and they like it when you can tell them.

And Tony looks at the calendar. The calendar has a _horrible_ picture. ~~Howard is in there, he’s in that picture, and Tony only has a gift in his lap, he only wants to open it, and there is Howard, and he’s _looking at him._~~ Tony sees that picture. He wants to look away, but Loki said, “You _don’t_ have to look at the picture, Tony.” And it’s the _date_ that matters with a calendar, not the picture, but oh… There is that picture ~~(with Howard)~~ and it’s horrible.

Jarvis says, “That picture doesn’t have to be there.” It’s a very soft voice, you can barely hear it, but it’s Jarvis’s voice. He says, “That picture doesn’t have to be there, Tony, it’s still a calendar without the picture.”

A calendar is days of the month, you don’t have to have any picture at all, but usually people will want something. And they’ll have a picture of a kitten, or perhaps a country road. Or on Three, they always had these cheesecake pictures. You couldn’t have something like that on a low ward like this, not with everyone here so sick, it would upset them. But that’s what they liked to have on Three.

Jarvis says, “It’s still a calendar without the picture, Tony,” and you know, Tony hadn’t thought of that before? And then Jarvis says, “I could take that picture down for you, that picture doesn’t have to be up there.”

And here’s Ben. Ben says, “Oh Tony, what are you doing, you better stop that, Tony.”

(It’s not Tony doing it, it’s Jarvis. But people don’t understand about Jarvis. They’ll always say, “Tony, you’re delusional, Tony, there’s no one there.” And they’ll write things down, and they’ll put them in your file. You never get to see your file.) Then Jarvis goes over and he grabs that picture ~~(that _horrible_ picture with Howard in it)~~. Jarvis pulls, and there’s that picture in his hand. Jarvis wads that picture up, he wads it up hard so Howard can’t get out, and then he throws it in the wastebasket.

Well here’s Stephen. Stephen says, “Tony did it.”

(Tony _didn’t_ do it.) Then here comes Wilson. Wilson says, “What did you go and do that for, Tony, our good picture Tony, and you tore it down, I should send you to pack right now, Tony.”

Here’s Cage. Cage says, “You try and give ‘em something.”

Wilson says, “I tell ‘em and tell ‘em. It’s wasted in these low wards.”

And here’s Jarvis. Jarvis is in Tony’s pocket, but you can hear him if you listen, and he says, “That picture is _gone_.”

It’s gone all right. Tony looks up there, and there’s _no picture_ , there’s just the bare wall.

Jarvis says, “Look at the calendar, Tony.”

And Tony looks, and there’s the calendar. The calendar is still on the wall, it’s just the days and the months, and the picture is gone, but the calendar is still there, and it says it’s Sunday, December 15th.

Jarvis says, “Are you all right, Tony?”

And Tony says, “I’m all right, Jarvis.”


	47. Tony's Billfold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fellow should have money in his billfold. Tony doesn't. _Why not?_

Wilson says, “Here’s your billfold, Tony.”

It is Wednesday, December 18th. The calendar at the Nurse’s Station says December 18th, and Tony went over there, and he looked at it after breakfast. This is a new calendar. This one has a picture of a kitten on it, she’s batting an ornament, and she’s in front of a Christmas tree. ~~(The old one had _Howard_.)~~ Well, Tony went over and he looked. And there was Ben, Ben said, “What are you doing over there, Tony?” 

Well here’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “Are you all right, Tony?”

Tony is _all right_. He’s just looking at the calendar, a fellow should look at the calendar. They will ask you what day it is, when you go for a hearing, and they like it when you can tell them. That’s called having a good orientation in reality, and it’s always the fellows who have a good orientation in reality who are going to get a transfer.

And Tony says, “I’m looking at the calendar, aren’t I?” Then he looks at it. Then he goes into the dayroom, but there’s not much to do.

And Ben says, “You want to play cards, Tony, you want to play bridge?” But there aren’t enough other fellows to make a bridge game. They are all walking around, or they’re talking to themselves. And Stephen is talking with Cage, he’s talking about Baron Mordo.

Well Ben says, “We could play poker.” But Ben always cheats when he plays poker.

Ben says, “I don’t cheat.” He says, “You better take that back, take that back or I’ll clobber you, Tony.”

Here’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “Are you all right, Tony?”

Tony is _all right_. (Jarvis keeps asking that.)

Jarvis says, “We’d better get out of here Tony, he’s going to pitch a fit.”

Tony is _all right_. There are only so many places you can go, on a low ward like Ten, and pretty much everywhere you go, some poor sick fellow will be pitching a fit.

Well Jarvis says, “We’d better get out of here.” 

And Tony says, “I know that, don’t I?” But where are they going to go?

And here’s Wilson. Wilson says, “Tony, that was a good decision you made to get out of there Tony,” and he says, “You pipe down over there, Ben, you to go back to pack?”

Well, Ben’s over there. Ben is _not_ Howard, he is not ~~(even though he sounds like him)~~. Ben is sick, this is his delusion. You can’t expect sick people to talk right all the time. And Ben says, “Well, he better not…” Something. He says, “Tony better not, and clobber, something about clobbering.” And he says, “A fellow doesn’t like it, and you better treat me with respect, Tony,” and he says, “Yancy Street, something about Yancy Street.”

And Wilson says, “You better pipe down, that’s all I’m saying.” And he says, “Good job, Tony, you keep making good decisions like that, and you’re gonna get a transfer in no time, and Tony, by the way, here’s that billfold you were making such a fuss about.”

Well, here’s the billfold. It’s calfskin, this billfold, because it always pays to get the best, and ~~Howard~~ _someone_ got it for Tony. And here it is, it looks just like it always did. And here’s Tony’s library card. And here are his pictures. Here’s his picture of Mother, and here’s the one of Jarvis from when he was alive. Here is the prophylactic ~~Father~~ … ~~Howard~~ … _someone_ gave him when he turned 18. And _where_ is his money?

There should be money in one’s billfold. ~~Father~~ … ~~Howard~~ … _Someone_ always says, “Keep a spare ten in there, Tony, you never know when you might need it,” and there should be… Oh, it is awfully difficult knowing _how_ much money should be in here. When was it when he came to Whittier this last time, and was it close to payday, or was it later in the week? Well there would have been money in there anyhow, wouldn’t there? Because after a while when the war-sounds got too bad, you didn’t like to go out much. And the fellows down the hall wouldn’t _always_ go out and buy things for you, you couldn’t ask them too much, or they’d get angry. ~~(And that one fellow spoke with President Wilson’s voice.)~~ Shouldn’t there be some money in here anyhow? Shouldn’t his spare ten be in here at least?

And Tony says, “Where’s my money?”

Here’s Wilson. Wilson says, “Stealing.” He says, “You accusing me of stealing, Tony, that is a terrible accusation to make, I can send you back to pack if you don’t behave yourself.”

And here’s Cage. Cage says, “What’s that?”

Wilson says, “You remember that wallet of Tony’s, he thinks I took some money out of it apparently.”

Cage says, “They’re always thinking something, aren’t they?”

And Wilson says, “I’m sick of Ten. Wish they’d transfer _me_ to one of the higher ones.”

And Cage says, “Fat chance, our luck, next time there’s a shake-up, we’ll be working tubs, or we’ll be over on the South Wing.”

Well here comes Ben again. Ben says, “Listen.” 

Tony is listening, isn’t he? _He’s listening._ But here’s his billfold, and it’s empty. There should be money in there, at least his spare ten, but it’s _empty_.

Wilson says, “How should I know where your money went, Tony?”

And here’s Cage. Cage says, “Listen, you think everything you get here is free? You think it don’t cost money, Tony, I bet they used your money to pay for your cigarettes, or your lunch at the drugstore, you rich boys are all alike, always complaining about somebody else, and then it turns out it’s your own damn fault.”

And here’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “Are you all right, Tony?”

Tony says, “I’m all right.” And he _had_ money, it was in his billfold, and now it’s _gone_.

Jarvis says, “Perhaps Howard took it.”

Howard is dead. Didn’t Tony see Jarvis tear him off the wall and throw him in the wastebacket?

Jarvis says, “Who took it then, Tony?”

Well there’s Wilson over there, he’s not doing anything important. And there’s Cage, he’s not doing anything important either. Tony says, “ _They_ have to find it for me.”

Jarvis says, “You better keep your nose clean.”

Well Tony is keeping his nose clean, isn’t he? He’s just _saying_. Because it’s his money that’s gone.

But here’s Ben, anyhow. Ben says, “Listen, Tony, I got us a foursome for bridge, Tony, and I got Stephen, and I got that other guy, Hank, listen Tony, do you want to play?”

And here’s Stephen. Stephen isn’t talking about Baron Mordo any more, and here’s that other fellow Hank. Hank isn’t looking for ants. And Tony goes over to the table with them, and he plays bridge for a while.


	48. Ward Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony gets a transfer, and it is an awfully good transfer. Here on a high ward like Five, a fellow can get some good privileges, if he knows how to keep his nose clean. Tony... ~~used to know how.~~ Tony _knows_ how to keep his nose clean. He's _always_ been _very good_ at keeping his nose clean. (Who is saying that he's not?)

Well here’s the calendar, and it has a picture of a kitten on it, and she is batting at a Christmas ornament with her paw. 

And here’s Ben. Ben says, “Tony, what are you looking at that damn calendarfor, Tony?” And he says, “That’s an awful ugly picture on that calendar, that picture is a girls’ picture.”

Here’s Cage, and he says, “ _Certain people_ tore the other picture up, didn’t they? You fellows had better be glad you got any picture at all, _certain people_ can’t be bothered taking care of what we got, this ain’t one of your high wards, where people can take care of things, Ben.”

Cage says, “certain people,” but he means Tony. It’s an implication, what he means is that Tony is sick, and he’s delusional, and he belongs on this low ward. Cage is wrong, and he’s horribly disrespectful (and he doesn’t know that it was Jarvis who tore Howard off the wall and killed him).

Cage says, “You just better behave Tony, I got my eye on you.”

And Ben says, “I was just asking about the _calendar_ , about that calendar with the girls’ picture on it.”

That picture does look like a girls’ picture. A man doesn’t want a picture with kittens on it like that one, a man would rather have a hunting dog, or a nice nature scene.

And Tony looks at the calendar (with the girls’ picture on it), and the calendar says it’s Saturday, December 21st. And then here comes Wilson. Wilson says, “Transfer Tony, come on, and are you going to keep me waiting all day?”

Usually, when a fellow gets transfer, he is going to go to have to have a Doctor’s Hearing first. And the doctors will want to talk to you, and they’ll want to know if you’ve got a good orientation in reality, and if you’ve been keeping your nose clean.

Well Tony says, “What about the Doctor’s Hearing?”

And Wilson says, “Oh Tony, just be glad you’re leaving why don’t you,” and something about the weekend before Christmas, and the doctors are at home with their families. And he says, “You better hustle, and we’re going to Five right now, Tony.”

Here’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “This is an awfully good transfer, Tony.”

It is an awfully good transfer. A fellow can get some privileges on Five, he can get OT, and perhaps he can get a grounds-pass as well. It’s been an awfully long time since Tony’s had any privileges.

And Jarvis says, “You’d better keep your nose clean on Five, Tony.”

One should always do one’s best to keep one’s nose clean, but it isn’t always awfully easy. Sometimes a fellow needs things. Sometimes things are taken from him ( _Money_ ), and what is he supposed to do then?

And Wilson says, “I’ll tell that friend of yours to look for you on Five. What’s his name? I’ll tell him you’re on Five, Tony.”

Wilson is talking about Loki. It’s Saturday, and Loki always visits on Saturday. Only this is the weekend before Christmas. Perhaps he’ll stay home to be with his family. That is, provided that Jews do that. Tony is not entirely up on the ways of Jews. ( ~~Howard…~~ _Father_ always said, “Those Jews will copulate with Christian girls, all those dirty Jew-tailors, just of the boat, and they probably all have diseases.” And _that’s_ not true, certainly, but sometimes it is difficult to tell exactly what is true and what isn’t.)

Well Wilson says, “Come _on,_ Tony,” and then they go. And Tony has to wear his coat, because they go outside, and up the walkway, and across the courtyard.

And then here’s Five. Tony has been on Five before, he remembers being here. And they go inside, and here’s Fury, apparently he works here now. And Fury says, “Well Tony, good to see you, what have you been up to?”

And Wilson says, “ _Certain people_ have been very demanding lately, and throwing around accusations, and saying folks are stealing from him and everything.”

Fury says, “What, Tony?”

Wilson says, “Don’t let that innocent face fool you.”

And Fury says, “Oh, I know that, I seen Tony get up to some things.”

Well then they go in. They go on into Five, and Fury says, “Here’s your bed, Tony.” And there’s a bed, and it’s near the window. That’ll be awfully cold this winter, but perhaps Tony won’t have to stay here that long. And here’s the dayroom. Wilson says, “Why don’t you go on in and get settled?”

Tony goes in. And it’s always nice when one knows someone on a new ward. And here’s Parker, Tony remembers him from… Oh, it had to have been Three where he knew him from, didn’t it? And here’s Reed, Tony remembers him from just _everyplace._

And Reed says, “Hello Tony, it’s been an awfully long time since I saw you, how have you been doing, Tony?”

Parker says, “Say Tony, there is a spider in the bathroom, I think it is a Triangulate Cobweb Spider, and it’s in the bathroom, say Tony, do you want to come and see?”

Parker has always been awfully interested in spiders.

And here’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “Tony, are you all right?”

Tony says, “I’m all right.”

And Parker says, “Do you want me to show you the spider Tony, and say Reed, do you want to see it too, I think it is a Triangulate Cobweb Spider.”

Reed says, “Thanks awfully Parker, but I think I will talk to Tony instead.”

And then they talk. Reed has always been a very interesting person to talk to. And they talk about… Oh, they talk about an awful lot of things. And Reed says, “Say Tony, it is awfully nice to have you here on Five, Tony.” And he says, “I believe I’ve seen Dr. Doom around here, but not lately, and it’s just awfully nice to have a friend here on the ward with me, that Parker isn’t so bad, but a fellow does get tired of spiders after a while.”

A fellow certainly does get tired of spiders. And they are pretty much all Parker ever talks about. And Reed is a very good friend. He’s been Tony’s friend for an awfully long time. And he served in the Air Corps during the Great War, and he trained at McCook, just a few months after Tony did.

And Tony says, “Have you got any privileges?

And Reed says, “Well I’ve got off-ward, but I want to get a grounds-pass, you know Susan always likes taking walks on the grounds here at Whittier.”

Susan is Reed’s wife, and she is _not_ real. She is completely delusional, and Reed doesn’t have any real friends or family. Tony has Loki who is his best friend, and he is just like family to him.

And Tony says, “Oh, that’s very interesting.”

Reed says, “If a fellow keeps his nose clean, he _will_ get privileges on this ward, that’s one good thing about Five anyway.”

Reed is saying that Tony doesn’t keep his nose clean. ~~(How does he know?)~~

And Tony says, “What do you know about anything, with your delusional wife, and your delusional Dr. Doom, you’re much sicker than you like to pretend you are, Reed.”

Reed says, “Delusional is not a nice word.” He says, “You aren’t going to get far on Five if you can’t be more polite than that, perhaps I don’t want to talk to you, Tony.”

Tony doesn’t want to talk to him either, and he goes over, and he looks out the window. It has started to snow, and the snow is falling down, and it’s making white drifts in the courtyard. And the sun’s not shining, it looks awfully grey and cold out there. And it isn’t much warmer in here by the window.

Here’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “Are you all right, Tony?”

Tony says, “I’m all right.”

And Jarvis says, “You have to keep your nose clean here on Five, Tony.”

Tony says, “I know that, don’t I?”


	49. Loki Visits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the weekend before Christmas, and all the doctors are at home with their families. But here's Loki, he's come to visit Tony, and he's brought Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo with him ~~(and they talk a lot of _War-talk_ )~~.

Loki comes, and he says, “Oh Tony, it’s awfully cold outside, Tony.”

Well here is Loki. He says, “It’s awfully cold.” And here are Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo, they have come with him today.

And here’s Fury. Fury says, “Really coming down out there, huh?” And he says, “Tony can vouch for that, he’s been standing by that window all morning.”

And here’s Loki. Loki says, “Oh, Tony Tony, are you all right, Tony?”

Loki _hugs_ him, and he says, “Are you all right, Tony?” Tony is _all right._ He’s just been standing here. A fellow has a right to stand where he wants to, doesn’t he? And he’s just been here by this window, this window that’s on Five. Tony got a _transfer_ today, an awfully good transfer. How could a fellow _not_ be all right, when he just got such a good transfer?

And Fury says, “It’s a good thing you’re here, maybe you can calm him down, Loki. Certain people just got here, and they’ve been already been arguing and carrying on, I don’t know what’s wrong with him, Loki.” Then Fury says, “Look here, Tony, see, you have some visitors.” This is how they’ll talk to you. They’ll say, “Oh look look, you have some _visitors_ ,” when you’ve already seen them, how could you help but see them, they’re standing right there in front of you.

And Tony says, “Hello, Loki.”

Loki says, “How are you, Tony?”

Why do people keep asking that? And Tony says, “I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be fine?” And he says, “Loki, why aren’t you home with your family?”

Loki says, “I brought my family with me.” And he says, “Uncle Theo and Aunt Josie wanted to come, it’s the weekend before Christmas, and they wanted to come, they wanted to say, ‘Happy Christmas,’ to you, Tony.”

And here’s Fury (listening to all Tony’s conversations). Fury says, “Do you celebrate Christmas, Loki?”

Loki says, “Here in America, everyone celebrates Christmas, and we have a Christmas tree, and something about carols.” Loki says something about carols, and he says, “And I think they’ll throw you out if you don’t listen to Lionel Barrymore on the radio every year.”

Fury says, “Jewish.” He says something about Loki, and he’s Jewish.

And here’s Aunt Josie. Aunt Josie says, “We celebrate Chanukah too.”

And here’s Uncle Theo. Uncle Theo says, “You can’t have too many holidays.”

Loki says, “Tony.” He says, “I suppose you don’t have a grounds-pass yet, Tony?”

Tony doesn’t. ~~(He should have one.)~~

Fury says, “Oh, he just got here today, Loki, your _friend_ just got here.”

Loki says, “We’ll just have to make do then.”

Aunt Josie says, “Well, we weren’t expecting.” They weren’t expecting something.

And Loki says, “Here Tony, see what we brought.” And he has brought a picnic basket, and some boxes with red and green ribbons.

Well these are _Christmas presents_ , is what they are. Loki has brought Tony some Christmas presents (and perhaps Uncle Theo and Aunt Josie have brought them too). And Tony is the _only_ person on Five who has _any_ Christmas presents. And they are awfully nice presents, and the ribbons are pretty and sparkly.

And Aunt Josie says, “I brought something for the other fellows too.” And what she has brought is another box. This one has cookies in it, and they are very pretty cookies, and they’re shaped like bells, and they have colored frosting. But they’re _not_ presents. Tony is the _only_ one who got presents.

Here come the other fellows. Here’s Reed and here’s Parker, well it’s just all of them coming. And they take the cookies, and they eat them. And Fury says, “What do you say I get you fellows some coffee.”

But Loki takes Tony, and he says, “We’ll just go over here where we can talk.” And it’s just the two of them, even Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo don’t come. And they go over to some chairs in the corner. And Loki says, “I’ve been thinking of you, Tony, how have you been, Tony?”

And Tony says, “Well I have your picture.” (This is the picture of Loki and Jarvis, that he gave him the last time he was here.) He says, “They gave me my wallet to put it in, but they took the money, Loki.”

A wallet should have money in it. Tony’s doesn’t. ~~(This is because someone _took_ it.)~~

Loki says, “What money was that?”

(It was Tony’s spare ten. A fellow should always keep a spare ten in his wallet, you never know when it might come in handy.)

Loki says, “Perhaps you’re mistaken.”

(Tony is _not_ mistaken.)

And Loki says, “Well it’s easily enough remedied, here, Tony.” And he gives him a two-dollar bill, and he says, “That’s all I’ve got right now, Ton, will it do?” And he says, “Here, you can have these too,” and he gives him a quarter and three pennies and a bus token. 

Loki says, “Will this do?” Well this is _Loki’s_ money. Tony’s is still gone ~~(stolen)~~. But one should always be polite, when one has been given something. Tony says, “Thank you, Loki.” And he puts the two-dollar bill in his wallet, and at least there’s _some_ money in it now. And he puts the coins in his pocket. The orderlies are going to have to get him his change purse for that later on.

And Loki says, “A wallet should have money in it, of course, Tony.” And he says, “Aside from that, how have you been doing Tony, I see you got a transfer, have you been keeping your nose clean?”

 ~~(Tony has _not_ been keeping his nose clean.)~~ Tony says, “ _Of course_ I have.”

Loki says, “You have to follow the rules, Tony.” And he says, “I know it’s hard, but you have to follow the rules, you know that’s how they decide who gets privileges.”

Tony says, “I know that.” ( _Everyone_ knows that.)

Loki says, “If something upsets you, you tell me about it, all right?” He says, “You write me a letter, and I’ll talk to them for you, and you won’t get in any trouble, and you’ll still get your privileges, oh Tony, we want you to get privileges, wouldn’t you like to talk out in the garden, instead of here in the dayroom, and come home with me for a visit?”

Loki is living at Uncle Theo and Aunt Josie’s house right now. Tony visited them there one time. ~~(There was a knife, and an awful lot of blood.)~~

Loki says, “We’re going to take good care of you, Tony. And I’ll drive you home in my roadster, and you’ll have a good visit, oh things will be _just fine_.” And he says, “But you have to follow the rules, you know they watch that, Tony.”

(Tony knows that, _everyone_ knows that.)

Loki says, “I know it’s hard sometimes.”

Oh, and here’s Aunt Josie. And here’s Uncle Theo, they’ve both come over here. Aunt Josie says, “You two haven’t eaten without us, have you?”

Loki says, “You know I wouldn’t do that Aunt Josie, oh and roast chicken and latkes, that’s potato pancakes, no one makes better latkes than my Aunt Josie, and plum pudding, Tony, she makes that every year too.”

And Aunt Josie says, “Ever since we moved here after the War.”

And here’s Uncle Theo. Uncle Theo says, “The _last_ war.” Uncle Theo looks at Aunt Josie, and he looks at Loki.

Loki says, “We’re going to get into this one.”

Uncle Theo says, “No we won’t, those isolationists will keep us out, Loki.”

And Loki says, “They can’t keep us out forever, and something about refugees.” And he says something about deporting, and “The British can’t take them all, and if those damn idiots in Congress think we’ll …something.”

And Aunt Josie says, “Well we _don’t_ have to talk about that right now, and if you two aren’t hungry, I know Tony and I are, aren’t you hungry, Tony?”

 ~~(Tony doesn’t like talking about _War_.)~~ He says, “Yes.”

Loki says, “I am too.” And then they eat. And the food is awfully good.

(And Jarvis says, “Are you all right, Tony?” Tony is _fine_ ~~, if they’d just stop talking about _War_~~.)

And they eat, and then Loki says, “Why don’t you open your presents, Tony?” And Tony opens them. And there is some stationary and stamps, and a pair of awfully nice gloves, and a whole carton of Lucky Strikes: _Three_ presents, and last year he got… Well, did he get any presents at all, last Christmas? When was the last time Tony got Christmas presents?

Tony says, “Thank you.”

And Loki says, “I hope you like them.”

They are _awfully_ nice Christmas presents.

And here’s Fury. Fury says, “I hate to interrupt you, but the snow.” He says something about the snow and, “If you folks don’t leave soon, you’re liable to get stranded here, you wouldn’t want that, would you?”

And Loki says, “Well Tony manages it every single night, doesn’t he?” He says, “I know, I know, you’re always saying how _crowded_ you are, and there’s no spare beds, and I suppose we’d better leave while we can.” And he says, “I wish we didn’t have to leave so soon, Tony, you understand, don’t you?” And he gives Tony a hug, he hugs him awfully tight.

Tony says, “I understand.”

Loki leaves, and then Tony goes over, and he stands and looks out the window some more. The snow is coming down _awfully hard_ , you can barely see out the window, and you can’t see the courtyard at all.

Here’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “Are you all right, Tony?”

Tony says, “Loki is driving home, in all that snow, take care of him, Jarvis.”

Jarvis says, “I’ll take good care of him, Tony, and I’ll take care of you too if you need me.”

And Tony says, “I don’t need you Jarvis.” And Jarvis goes, he goes to be in the car and take care of Loki.

And after a while Reed comes over. Reed says, “I saved a cookie for you.” And he gives a cookie to Tony, it’s one of the ones Aunt Josie made, and it tastes awfully good.

Tony says, “Thank you, Reed.” And he takes out his pack of Luckies, and he says, “Do you want a cigarette?”

And here comes Parker. Parker says, “There’s a spider in the bathroom, and it’s a Triangulate Cobweb Spider, do you want to come see it, Reed, and how about you, Tony?”

And Tony’s not going to stand here ~~(and think _War-thoughts_ )~~ all afternoon. “I’ll go see your spider, Parker,” he says.

And Reed says, “I might as well go too.”


	50. There Is a Christmas Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well these ladies are here, and they are giving a party. And they don't like any of you, not Fury or anyone, but they are here anyhow.

Here’s these ladies. These ladies don’t like you. Why are they here if they don’t like you? Why would they even come? But here they are. And they’re saying, “Oh, won’t you have some punch, Mr. Stark, won’t you have some cookies Mr. Stark, and why don’t you come join the carol singing, that will be fun, won’t it?”

Well this is a party. And it’s an awful honor if you’re here, they only let the fellows on the high wards come, if you’re on anything lower than Five, well, you’re just going to be sitting in the dayroom right now. And Fury says, “You don’t want to go Tony, you don’t have to go.” But everyone knows if you don’t go, they’ll put that in your charts. They’ll say, “Oh, he’s antisocial, he has an improper alignment with others.” _Everyone_ knows the fellows who get privileges are the ones who have a proper alignment with others.

And Fury comes, and he says, “Christmas party.” He says, “The Ladies Guild is giving a Christmas party for you, don’t you want to go Tony, don’t you, Reed, Parker?”

And here they are. And this is the party. There are some awfully pretty decorations in here. These ladies have put up some very pretty paper bells, and some pictures with Santa Claus on them. And they’ve put up a Christmas tree. It’s not real, but it is a Christmas tree, and it has lights on it, and those strands of tinsel that you’ll choke on if you swallow them.

_These ladies don’t like you._

Here’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “What’s going on, Tony?”

Tony says, “Well, it’s a Christmas party, isn’t it?

Oh goodness, now all the ladies are looking at him. They don’t like it when you talk to Jarvis, you know a fellow forgets that, when he’s on those low wards. On the high wards, well they pay attention to those things, a fellow has to have a higher standard. And now these ladies are looking at him, and they look like they don’t know what he’s going to do. And Tony thinks, “I could throw something, and oh goodness, wouldn’t those ladies _scream_!”

Here’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “Tony, they’re watching, Tony, keep your nose clean, you have to make good choices, Tony.”

(Jarvis has been listening to Loki. Jarvis’ soul is in Loki’s car, and he’s been listening to him. He _knows_ what Loki would say if he were here.)

Tony doesn’t say anything. And here comes one of the ladies, and she says, “Wouldn’t you like a nice cookie, Mr. Stark?”

It’s December 24th. These ladies should be home with their families.

Well here’s this lady. This lady says, “Excuse me, what did you say, Mr. Stark?”

Tony says, “It’s Christmas Eve, you should be home with your family, why don’t you go home?”

Oh, here’s Fury now. Fury says, “Tony, these nice ladies are here, and we’re going to be nice, Tony.” And he says, “We’re going to be _nice_ , or else certain people won’t be staying on Five long, will they?”

And here’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “Tony, keep your nose clean, Tony, make good choices.”

(Jarvis has been listening _too much_ to Loki.)

Well Tony says, “I don’t want a cookie.”

And Fury looks at him. His look is words, and the words say, “TONYMAKEGOODCHOICES, TONYKEEPYOURNOSECLEAN.”

Tony has _learned_ good manners, thank you very much. ~~(Even though it was these ladies who were being rude, why are they here if they don’t even like you?)~~ And he says, “No thank you ma’am, I would not like a cookie.” And he goes over to talk to Reed after that. Reed is not as rude as these ladies (who don’t like you).

Reed says, “That is an awfully pretty Christmas tree, isn’t it, Tony?” And he says, “My wife Susan always likes a Christmas tree, tell me, Tony, don’t you think my wife is here today?”

Reed’s wife Susan is _not real_. She is a complete delusion, and Reed only thinks she is real because of his sickness.

But Tony has learned good manners, he is not rude (like these ladies here). “Perhaps she is here, Reed,” Tony says.

And Reed says, “Yes, some of these ladies look an awful lot like my Susan, perhaps she is just in a different room right now, what do you think, Tony?”

Oh, here’s Parker. Parker says, “I want to go back to Five.”

Fury comes and Fury says, “Parker, what were you thinking, and you ate all those cookies Parker, what are those ladies going to think, and I can just take all of you fellows back to Five right now if you all don’t act right.”

Parker has apparently eaten quite a lot of cookies. Apparently these ladies don’t like that ( _these ladies_ don’t like much of anything).

Tony says, “How many cookies did you eat, Parker?”

And Parker says, “I ate the good ones.”

Fury says, “ _Certain people_ ate a whole plateful of cookies, _certain people_ apparently can’t handle themselves at a nice party like this, and if I weren’t watching the rest of you fellows, they would be going straight back up to Five right now.”

Tony wouldn’t mind going back to Five right now either. (These ladies don’t want him here, _these ladies_ don’t want any of them.)

Oh, here comes one of them now. And she says, “I hope you are having a nice time at our Christmas party, gentlemen.”

And Fury says, “The fellows certainly do appreciate you doing this for them, a fellow likes a party around Christmastime, doesn’t he, ma’am?”

And here’s this lady (who doesn’t like you). She says, “Well this time of year one likes doing a little something for those less fortunate, doesn’t one?”

Fury says, “My goodness yes ma’am, you certainly do.” Then he looks at Tony, and he looks at the other fellows. “Isn’t that right Tony, and isn’t that right, Reed and Parker?”

Fury’s look is words, and it says, “You have to answer.”

And Tony knows what he’s supposed to say. (He is keeping his nose clean, thank you very much.) Tony says, “Yes ma’am, you certainly do.”

The lady’s look is words too. She looks angry words at Fury. This is because Fury is colored. Father always said, “Inferior races, Tony, it’s simple genetics.” And he’d say, “They should be grateful, at least we don’t treat them like those Southerners do, you don’t see lynchings or any of that violence up here.” And he’d say, “That doesn’t mean we should have complete equality, and if you demand respect Tony, well the proper kind of colored fellow, he will give it to you.” Using a white man’s first name when you address him, well that is _not_ the proper kind of respect. You don’t think about that when you’re in here of course, in here quite a lot of the orderlies are colored, but that’s what it’s like outside. 

Well Tony certainly isn’t going to object if one of the colored orderlies addresses him by his first name. It would _not_ be keeping his nose clean if he were to do that. Anyhow, he doesn’t really mind. There doesn’t really seem to be that much difference between colored fellows and white ones. And there are colored patients here too, and Tony has spoken to some of them. They have their own wards, but he has spoken to them, they seem to be just like anyone else, and some of them are very sick, and some of them are just fine. Perhaps Tony really is as delusional as everyone says he is, and he just can’t see the difference between the races, because everyone certainly says there is one.

Well the lady (who doesn’t like Fury either now) looks some more angry words. And a little while after that the party is over, and it’s time to go back upstairs.

And it is awfully dark, and the dayroom is rather cold. And there aren’t any decorations up here, just the radio is on, with some Christmas music playing. And you this isn’t an awfully nice place for a fellow to spend Christmas, it’s not where Tony would like to be.

And Christmases, Mother and Father used to take him to Seattle, and they’d visit Grandfather and Deargrandmother there, or they would go to Milan and visit Nonna Carbonel. And there’d always be decorations. Grandfather and Deargrandmother liked a very tall tree, and they would put it in the Great Hall. It would be there when you got to their house, and then after the party on New Years Day, the servants would let Tony help take it down. Or Nonna had a crèche, and you’d go to sleep on Christmas Eve, and the manger would be empty, then the next morning like a miracle, the Gesu Bambino would be there. But here there aren’t any decorations, just one picture and that’s on the calendar.

And here comes Reed. Reed says, “Susan was at that party today, Tony.” He says, “She’s going to visit me today, she would be here now, only she has to stay and help with the party.

Reed is being delusional. But Tony is _not_ going to tell him that (Tony isn’t rude like those ladies at the party).

Reed says, “Perhaps Loki will visit, Tony, and you and he can sit in the garden for a while, and Susan and I will take a walk.” And he says, “Remember when we used to do that Tony, remember how nice it was?”

It was _awfully_ nice, sitting in the garden with Loki. And they would always find a bench in the shade, because Loki doesn’t like sitting in the sun, and they would talk (and that one time Loki wanted to pick all the flowers, only Tony said no). That was during the summertime. It’s winter now, it’s Christmas Eve, and Tony is here, and the dayroom is cold, and rather dark. And Loki is at home with his family, because they celebrate Christmas _and_ Chanukah, that’s what Jews do in America.

One could be quite rude right now, one could be at least as rude as those ladies at the party, and speak _quite sharply_ to Reed (who can’t help it, he’s only being delusional).

And here’s Jarvis (who has been talking to Loki). Jarvis says, “You have to make good choices, Tony, you have to keep your nose clean.”

Then Parker comes. Parker says, “That was a _bad_ party. The cookies were good, but the party was _bad_ and I don’t know why those ladies even came, those ladies didn’t like us, Tony.” Parker says, “If I were a spider, I would _bite_ those ladies, Tony, I would be a lady spider, and I would bite them, and I would lay my eggs in their abdominal cavity.”

And here’s Fury. Fury says, “None of that talk Parker, Parker do you want to stay on Five, because I hear they have some beds free on the South Wing, they have plenty of beds there.”

Those ladies at the party didn’t like Fury either (they really didn’t like much of anybody here).

And Fury says, “Well you got through the day fellows, and this isn’t so bad, is it, and tomorrow they’re making you a special Christmas dinner, won’t that be nice?”

Well, it won’t be nice of course, it won’t be nice at all. But one doesn’t want to be rude (like those ladies at the party).

Fury says, “I pulled duty this Christmas, it’ll be just me and you fellows tomorrow, say, we’re going to have us a fine time, aren’t we?”

Parker says, “That Triangulate Cobweb Spider is still in the bathroom, I’m surprised, usually they’re all dead this time of year.” And he says, “Do you want to come see the spider Tony, and Reed, do you want to see it?”

Tony says, “I’ll see your spider, Parker.”

And Reed says, “Certainly, why not?” He says, “You’ll call me when Susan arrives, won’t you?”

Fury says, “Sure, I’ll call you, Reed.”


	51. And Some Time Passes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's April now, and Tony has been keeping his nose clean, thank you very much. And Loki has some news.

Well, it is Saturday, April 12th. And you wake up, and it’s awfully cold. It snowed last night, and it’s still awfully cold this morning. And the coffee at breakfast is only just warm, but at least the oatmeal is hot. It tastes burned, but it’s hot, and a fellow can put his hands around the bowl and get them warm too. And then you have to eat it of course. They watch for that, it’s called a sign of progress, and you always get more privileges when they see you making signs of progress.

Well, Tony eats the (awful) burned oatmeal, and he drinks his coffee, and then he and the other fellows go back to Three, and they go into the dayroom.

And Parker says, “When are we going into town?” He says, “Saturday is town-day, and when are we going to town, we usually go right after breakfast.” And he says, “I’m going to get a newspaper when we go to town today.”

Well here’s Rhodey. Rhodey says, “You looked outside today, Parker? They just now got the road up here open again, and you better be glad I’m here, was Happy ever glad when I made it in this morning.”

Parker says, “I don’t care if you made it in, I want to make it out, why can’t we go to town today?”

It seems they can’t go to town, because the car is buried in snow. And Rhodey says, “You look around you, Parker, who do you see is gonna dig it out? We’re short-staffed as it is, of all the times for this to happen, because Maintenance gets Easter Weekend off.”

Coulson says, “The lucky bastards.”

And Rhodey says, “Don’t I know it.”

Well Coulson says, “They get Monday too. I don’t know what they got for leverage.”

Rhodey says, “They take that training course. Hospital thinks they could go out on the street any old day, pick up as many new orderlies as they want. Hospital thinks we’re a bunch of dumb schmucks, stand around with our fingers where the sun don’t shine all day, just have to step in and grab a patient now and then when he gets restless. They don’t know nothing.”

Coulson says, “You’ve got to develop a relationship. Take Tony over there.”

(They’re _talking about him_. Rhodey and Coulson are _talking about him._ Why?)

Coulson says, “You take Tony…”

And there’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “Are you all right, Tony?”

Tony is all right. (Except they’re _talking about him_.)

Coulson says, “Tony’s all right, once you get used to him, you just have to know how to manage him.”

And Rhodey says, “Hey, Tony, you and me are friends, ain’t we, Tony?”

(And Jarvis says, “Are you all right?”)

Well here comes Reed. Reed says, “When are we leaving, and can we stop at the Five and Dime, because I want to get one of those candy Easter eggs. I want to get one of the big ones, with the pretty views inside, Susan likes those things.”

And here’s Bruce. He says, “Your wife isn’t real, stop being delusional, Reed.” And he says, “I could dig the car out.”

Coulson says, “Yes, I’m sure you could, Bruce.” And he says, “How long you on for today, Rhodey?”

Rhodey says, “Standard shift, 8:00-6:00. Unless the night guys can’t get in here.”

And Coulson says, “Buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.”

And Rhodey says, “You ain’t just whistling Dixie, brother.”

Well apparently they are _not_ going anywhere today. It’s town-day, but they aren’t going anywhere, because the car has been buried under snow (and it’s going to be a bumpy ride).

And Bruce says, “We could walk,” but apparently they are _not_ going to walk.

Coulson says, “Be realistic Bruce, we’re short-staffed today.”

Bruce says, “Well I don’t want to hang around the dayroom with _him_ all day,” and he points at Reed.

And Coulson says, “You better keep your nose clean yourself.”

Bruce says, “Go take him out for a walk, Tony, go get him out of my hair.” 

And Tony says, “All right,” but apparently you can’t go outside, they haven’t dug out the walkways yet.

Well there’s Reed. Reed says, “Delusional isn’t a nice word, and if you aren’t going to be nice Bruce.”

Bruce says, “Go get him out of my hair, Tony.”

And Jarvis says, “Are you all right, Tony? You better go somewhere, because things are going to get bumpy in here.”

Jarvis is right. And the library is always a good place to go. And Parker wants to go along. He says there might be a book on spiders he hasn’t read yet. There won’t be, but that’s what he says, and he’s got off-ward privileges, so they both go to the library.

Well Parker finds a book, and he says, “This book is called _The Spider’s Web_ , by Miss Agatha Christie, but there aren’t any spiders in it Tony, it’s just a story.” But it looks like an interesting story, it is a mystery novel, and there are several other quite interesting mystery novels by Miss Agatha Christie in the library. And Tony takes two of them, because you never know how long things are going to be bumpy on Three, and Parker finds a book on insects, and he says that will be good enough for now.

And there isn’t anyone at the desk, but everyone knows what to do, you just write your name in the log, and stamp a due-date at the back of the book. And Tony and Parker do that, and they go back to the dayroom and read.

Bruce isn’t there anymore. Coulson says, “He pitched a little fit.” And he says, “Rhodey is just getting him settled, he’ll be back in a little bit, you fellows don’t worry about it, why don’t you just find someplace and read?”

And Parker reads some of his insect-book out loud, which is _somewhat inconvenient_ when one is trying to read, but Tony has learned good manners, thank you very much. And after a while here comes Reed.

Reed says, “Delusional is _not_ a nice word, and if anyone is delusional, it’s Bruce, he is awfully sick Tony.”

(They are both awfully sick, but one should use one’s good manners.)

Reed says, “You better be careful with that Bruce, you say one wrong word to him, and he’s sure to fly off the handle.”

And Parker says, “That’s his Other Guy. Bruce is all right.”

And after a while Reed goes away, it’s just Tony and Parker reading. And they’re both keeping their noses clean (and things don’t seem too bumpy in here right now). 

And then after a while it’s time for Loki to come. Rhodey says, “Well I don’t know if your friend’s gonna make it today, Tony.” He says, “Roads are still pretty hazardous, and I don’t know if your friend’s gonna make it.”

Loki should not come if the roads are too hazardous. Loki’s got Jarvis with him, Jarvis’ astral-soul is living in Loki’s new roadster, but you can get hurt even with Jarvis there. Tony’s gotten hurt an awful lot of times, even with Jarvis there, and Jarvis would take care of him afterward, but he couldn’t stop it when it was happening. There is only so much one can do when one is an astral-soul.

Rhodey says, “Don’t get upset, Tony,” and you know, Tony tries awfully hard. There are all these voices… All these _noises_ , but one can block them out if one tries. ~~(Sometimes it is awfully difficult to block them out.)~~ One can _do other things_. Sometimes there are new magazines at the nurse’s station, and of course there are the books from the library. …Or you can go outside. It would be easier blocking them out if the walkways were cleared and Tony could go outside.

What’s interesting though, is that after a while Loki _does_ come. And Rhodey says, “Oh Loki, you shouldn’t have.”

And Loki says, “I put chains on, I had no trouble at all.”

What he means is that he put chains on his tires (on _Jarvis’_ tires). One can drive safely, even when there is snow on the ground, by putting chains on one’s tires. Sometimes Father had to do that. They’d be going to Grandfather's and Deargrandmother’s for Christmas, and there would be snow in the mountains on the way up. Father always said, “These chains play hell with the roadway I’ll show you the potholes on the way back, Tony, but I suppose that’s what we pay taxes for, eh?” Loki put chains on Jarvis’ tires so he’d be safe coming today. Hopefully they will _not_ play hell with Jarvis, as well as with the roadway.

Loki says, “I suppose you haven’t been into town today then?”

And Rhodey says, “You suppose right, and if you think the fellows haven’t been getting stir-crazy in here? Oh my!”

Crazy is not a nice word. People shouldn’t call you that, certainly not when you’re keeping your nose clean, and you’re on a high ward like Three, but the orderlies _will_ do it.

And Loki says, “Well Tony has off-ward privileges, I could take him into town now, couldn’t I?” 

And Rhodey says, “I don’t see why not, just you get him back in time for supper, hear?” And that’s how Tony gets to go into town (and the rest of the fellows have to stay on the ward).

And Jarvis has his top up today. Jarvis’ new body is a convertible, but today he has his top up, and Loki has the heater going. It’s nice and warm in there, and Loki takes them to the drugstore.

Loki says, “I suppose you’ve had lunch already, but we could get something.” And they get hot cocoa, and the fellow at the counter puts whipped cream on top.

And Loki says, “Tony, what do you suppose, they’re putting me on full-time at the newspaper, Tony, and there’s a nice little apartment I’ve got my eye on.”

Loki had an apartment before. He had a very pretty apartment just down the street from Boston College, and Mrs. Comstock was his landlady, she was a very good cook, and awfully nice. ~~(It was _Tony’s_ apartment, not the whole thing, but one of the bedrooms was his, and they _took it away from him_ , why?)~~ Loki gave up that apartment after a while. He’s been living with Aunt Josie and Uncle Theo, in their house in Milford, and he’s been working for a newspaper there in town. And now he’s going to get another apartment.

Loki says, “I want you to come for a visit.” He says, “It’s got a guest bedroom, Tony, a nice, quiet guest bedroom, I know you’d like it, Tony.”

The new apartment has a _guest_ bedroom. ~~(Not Tony’s, not like the other place.)~~ Tony is going to be a _guest_ there.

Loki says, “I know they’d give you a weekend-pass, I asked Tony, and if you just keep your nose clean.” And he says, “I want you to come for a visit, and I am probably going to sign the lease at the end of the month, I just need to save for a few weeks for the down-payment. Wouldn’t you like to come for a visit, Tony, perhaps Memorial Day weekend?”

Memorial Day is at the end of May. It’s a day for remembering veterans who have died. Tony is a veteran, but he isn’t dead (not right now). Do people ever remember _him_ on Memorial Day? Do Mother and Father remember him (wherever they are), because he remembers them sometimes.

Well Loki says, “You can visit on Memorial Day Weekend, how would you like that Tony?”

Loki asks, “How would you like it,” and you know, Tony would like it an awful lot. And he says, “I’d like that, Loki.”

Loki says, “I’m glad.” And he says, “Oh Tony, I _want_ this to go well, and I am going to do my best, Tony.”

Loki is going to do _his best_. Tony is going to have to do _his best_ as well. (Jarvis is going to have to stay with him and help him.)

Jarvis says, “You’re going to have to try awfully hard to keep your nose clean, Tony.”

And Tony says, “I know that, Jarvis.”

Loki says, “I thought Jarvis lived with me these days.” (Sometimes Loki forgets that Jarvis’ astral-soul travels wherever he wants to go.)

Well Tony has an _awfully_ nice visit with Loki that day. And they have hot cocoa, and then Tony buys some cigarettes, and he buys another mystery novel by Miss Agatha Christie that's in the paperback rack. And Loki buys some candy bars for the other fellows back on Three. And he says, “Do you think I should buy something for the orderlies too? Oh what the heck, why not?” And he buys them some candy bars too, and then he buys a magazine with an _awfully racy_ cover, of a lady with her nightie on, and a lot of skin showing. And he says, “This should keep them busy, if they’re snowed in tonight.” (Sometimes Loki also forgets that things can get _bumpy_ , even on a high ward like Three, and then the orderlies don’t have to worry about finding something to keep them busy.) 

And then they go back to Whittier. And Loki walks Tony back to Three, and the fellows are awfully glad to see him, and then they get their candy bars. And Loki gives Tony a very tight hug, and he says, “Memorial Day weekend, Tony, you won’t forget, will you?”

Tony says, “I won’t forget.”


	52. Tony Has an Apartment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony _has_ an apartment. He's going to get the key one day and he'll go there. But this weekend he is going to visit Loki. That will be awfully nice too.

(The secret is, Tony _has_ an apartment. It is in the sky perhaps… It’s somewhere. And he has the _only_ key. When he locks the door, _no one_ can get in unless he wants them to. He’ll let Loki in, or Jarvis, or perhaps Mother and Father. One day he’ll get the key, they probably have it put away for him, that’s what they did with his wallet, he’ll ask them for it, and they’ll give it to him, and he’ll go there.)

_Loki_ has an apartment. It’s an awfully nice apartment. He brought pictures the last time he was here, that was on Saturday. It was Saturday, May the 17th. Today is Wednesday, May the 21st. Tony has been looking at the calendar every day, he has been _keeping his nose clean_.

And Loki brought pictures of his apartment, and he showed them to Tony. Loki said, “See Tony, here.” And he said, “It’s furnished, but I had to buy the linens, and this is my bedroom, see Tony?” And the picture was of a nice room with a bed that was painted white, and white curtains at the window.

Loki said, “I’ll give you the room when you visit, and I’ll sleep on the Murphy Bed in the living room.”

Loki means that he will _loan_ Tony his room. The room is _Loki’s_ , and it’s in _Loki’s_ apartment. (But this is all right, because Tony has an apartment, it’s just not here, perhaps it is in the sky.) He’s going to _loan_ Tony his room, in his apartment, when Tony visits this weekend, and Loki is going to sleep on the Murphy Bed. 

A Murphy Bed folds into the wall. You can’t even see it, and then you’ll pull the strap and it will come down, and then you can make it up. A Murphy Bed can be quite comfortable. Tony had one in one of his apartments, that was the one in Danbury perhaps. It was very nice and comfortable. But it wasn’t much help for getting away when the war-noises would start, the space under the sink was better.

And Tony is going to visit _Loki’s_ apartment. That is going to happen _this weekend._ He’s going to go there, it will be May the 24th when he goes, because Loki is working the police beat right now, and he doesn’t get done until late. And he’s going to stay until the 26th, Loki is going to drive him back in the morning, in Jarvis’ car-body, and he’ll be back in Milford in time for work that afternoon. This is going to be _quite a visit_.

And everyone keeps saying, “Tony, you’ve earned this.” And they’ll say, “Tony, you’ve been doing really well, and I know we can trust you, I know you’re going to keep your nose clean while you’re gone.”

Tony is going to try awfully hard to keep his nose clean while he is gone. Sometimes this is not so awfully difficult.

And meanwhile, here it is, and it’s May the 21st. And Tony goes to OT with Parker and Bruce. Reed is doing another OT lately, he’s working in the laundry now. Bruce says Parker is a _much better_ worker than Reed, but he isn’t, he just doesn’t talk as much. And they go downstairs, they do their work like they always do, and then they go to lunch with the fellows from One.

Lunch is roast beef hash, and there aren’t very many pieces of meat in it, and the potatoes are soft and powdery-tasting. And Clint says, “Those are powdered potatoes, you can’t fool me, and don’t we pay enough so’s we could have the real thing?”

Happy says, “You better not complain so much, you like being on One, don’t you?”

Clint says, “I’m eating it, ain’t I?” And he says, “You watch me, first thing I’m gonna do when I get out, I’m gonna go get me a big steak cooked medium-rare, and a baked potato on the side, I’m gonna get a real potato.”

Tony eats the food. You have to, you know. It’s always one of the things they look for. And the other fellows eat. Everyone is doing a good job of keeping their noses clean today. And one of the fellows from One throws something, and he has to be taken out. But Tony behaves himself, and the other fellows from Three behave themselves. And Clint behaves himself. And after a while they leave.

And it is awfully warm in the dayroom today. It’s been a _very_ warm week, and it is hot in the dayroom. But they can’t open the windows, because they’re the kind of glass with the wire in it, it’s not bars inside of the glass like on some wards. And on these hot days, one wishes very much for a little fresh air sometimes.

Bruce says, “I want to go outside.” Bruce has a grounds-pass, and he goes outside rather often lately, and sometimes Tony goes with him. And Bruce says, “I want to go outside, do you want to go outside with me, Tony?”

And Tony says, “Yes.” 

And Parker says, “I want to go too.”

And it is quite a nice day outside. There are some clouds, but mostly the sun is shining, and there’s a nice wind blowing the clouds away.

Tony walks over to the garden, and Bruce and Parker go with him. And there is a nice bench with the sun shining on it. Tony used to go to the garden with Loki. They went there… That was… Oh, it was a year ago, probably, perhaps two. Loki always liked a bench in the shade, and Tony would sit there with him. Now he sits in the sunshine mostly.

Jarvis says, “I am watching Loki, Tony.” He says, “I’m watching Loki, and I am taking _very_ good care of him for you, Tony.”

Jarvis is watching Loki, and he’s watching Tony too. One can be in two places at once, when one is an astral-soul, Tony has been one sometimes, and he _knows_.

And Jarvis says, “I’m taking good care of Loki for you, Tony.”

And Tony says, “I know you are, thank you, Jarvis.”

Bruce says, “Radios.” He says something about radios, and he says, “KGGM 610, my first job at KGGM 610.”

Parker says, “KGGM 610 is in Albuquerque, that’s in New Mexico.” And he says, “Our radio station is WAAB 1440, broadcasting from Worcester, Massachusetts, dance music all day, all your favorite serials every evening, starting at 6:00.” 

Bruce says, “I’m a technician, I’m one of the best, someday Tony and me will tell you about the time I switched the frequency, and we got WGN 720, my goodness Tony, remember how long it took for them to notice?” 

Parker says, “WGN 720 broadcasts out of Chicago, Illinois. There are 71 active radio frequencies in Chicago, Illinois, that number comes from the 1930 census.”

Bruce says, “When I get out of here, I’m going back to my job, my boss said he’d keep it open for me, said I was the best technician he ever had. That was WHN 1010.”

And Parker says, “WHN broadcasts out of New York, New York. Their frequency is 1010 kilohertz, and they started broadcasting in 1924. Back then they were called WGBS, and their frequency was 950 kilohertz.”

Bruce says, “You got a good head for radio, Parker.” And he says, “Ain’t he got a good head for radio, Tony?”

Tony says, “Yes.”

Bruce says, “Say listen, next time they want me to fix the radio at the nurse’s station, I’m gonna let you help. And Tony will help me too, Tony always helps me when I fix the radio, ain’t that right, Tony?”

And Tony says, “Yes.”


	53. Reed is Awfully Delusional

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Delusional people should be humored. (This means one pretends to believe _everything_ they say, whether it's true or now, and that's called going along with it, and it's good manners.) Tony is _not_ delusional, and how dare a sick, delusional fellow (like Reed) pretend that he is?

Well here it is, and it’s Thursday. It’s Thursday, May the 22nd, 1941. Thursdays are _not_ very good days. A fellow goes to OT, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. And Saturday is store-day, and then after you get back, well then Loki comes to visit. And Sunday is chapel, and sometimes Tony will go to that. Sometimes he’ll go to the Protestant service, or perhaps to the Catholic one, and that one always makes him think about Boston College. Loki used to go to Boston College. It seems like that was an awfully long time ago, but perhaps it wasn’t, sometimes it’s hard to keep track. And Tony visited him one time while he was going there. That was bad. And the sounds, and the smells, and the noises, quite a lot of noises. And then Tony was up in the sky, he was up in the sky for quite a long while after that, it seems. And then after a while he wasn’t. That was certainly very, very bad (but Loki says it won’t be like that this time when he visits).

Right now it is Thursday. And there is just nothing for a fellow to do on a Thursday. One can play cards, but Clint has been cheating _quite a lot_ lately. And then when you tell him, he’ll say you’re delusional, he’ll say, “Tony, you’re being delusional again.” Delusional is not a good word to use.

Or one can go outside. Usually that’s what Tony will do on a Thursday. He’ll go outside, and perhaps Bruce and Parker will go with him, or perhaps Reed will go. But today it is awfully hot, and the fan on Three is not working, because one of the fellows threw a book at it, and he broke it, and now it is _very_ hot in the dayroom, and you can smell the bathroom down the hall rather a lot. And Bruce says, “I want to go outside.” And he says, “Say, Tony, you want to go outside with me, how about you Parker, do you want to go?”

And Parker says, “Yes,” and Tony says, “Yes.” And then Reed comes along, and he says, “Are you fellows going outside, say fellows, I want to go too.”

Bruce says, “No. You always talk too much, Reed.”

And there’s Rhodey, he’s right there, and he says, “Say, why don’t you be a sport and let him go?”

Bruce says, “Well I don’t mind, only he talks too much, he always irritates me.”

Rhodey says, “You irritate yourself, Bruce, and if you make the choice to stay calm...”

Bruce says, “I stay calm, it’s just my Other Guy.”

And Rhodey says, “Just take him,” so they take him. They go outside, and Reed goes with them. And then Bruce says, “You go take a walk, Reed, I’m going over to the garden with Tony and Parker.”

And Reed says, “Well I don’t mind,” and he goes for a walk, and he says, “Perhaps I’ll see Susan out here today.”

Susan is Reed’s delusional wife. She is _not_ real, but poor Reed is awfully sick, and he thinks she is real. The polite thing in such cases is to pretend that what he’s saying is true. One can say, “Certainly Reed, perhaps today you will,” or something like that. It makes him happy, and it’s called going along with it, and they like it when you go along with it, when someone’s being delusional.

But Parker says, “How can you meet Susan, Reed, Susan is not real, she is a delusion, and not somebody here at Whittier.”

And Reed says, “Delusional is not a nice word, Parker.” Poor Reed looks awfully unhappy, and it makes one wish Parker would just go along with it, which is always the polite thing to do, but some people just don’t have good manners.

Parker says, “It’s true though, isn’t it?”

And Bruce says, “Of course it’s true,” and he says, “Let’s go, Parker, _certain people_ are being very irritating.”

And Parker goes, because everyone knows that you don’t want Bruce to get too irritated, because that’s when his Other Guy will come out, and then there’ll be trouble.

And Tony is going to go too. That’s why he came out here, isn’t it, and he always goes over to the garden, he’ll go out there with Bruce and Parker (or he used to go with Loki, when he was still here), and they’ll sit on a bench for a while and they’ll talk. Only Reed says, “Won’t you walk with me today, Tony?”

And Tony says, “Yes.” It’s funny, you know. Why does he want to say yes for anyway, because Reed is awfully sick, and he will always talk about his wife Susan, and all these delusional things like that, and why would Tony say yes, and take a walk with him? But he says, “Yes,” and they go for a walk, they go all the way around the hospital (and it is _rather cold_ over by the South Wing, where all the big trees are).

Reed says, “It’s an awfully nice day, only it’s a little hot, and doesn’t that breeze feel nice?”

And Tony says, “Yes.”

And Reed says, “This is where I saw Susan last time.”

And they’re standing… Oh, where are they standing when he says that? Well it’s over by the walkway that leads to the Women’s Hospital, is where it is, and there are some nurses going by. They’re wearing those nice, white uniforms, and the hats that are sharp enough to cut you.

And Reed says, “She was right over there, she’s like that nurse, only that nurse isn’t as pretty.” And he’s pointing at a nurse, and she isn’t so awfully pretty, and she has brown hair. And Reed says blonde, something. He says, “Of course Susan is a blonde, and she is prettier than that nurse.”

Reed is not being so awfully delusional right now anyway, and perhaps they’ll talk about something besides Susan-Susan-Susan today.

And Tony says, “Well tomorrow is Friday, and Loki is coming, and we’re going to visit my apartment.” This is an _awful slip_ , of course, because they’re going to visit _Loki’s_ apartment, not his, which is in the sky or somewhere. Tony is going to visit _Loki’s_ apartment. Loki lives there, not Tony, Tony is _only_ going for a visit, and he’ll come back here on Monday.

Reed says, “You don’t have an apartment, Tony.”

(Reed is _wrong_.)

Reed says, “You’re being delusional, Tony.”

(Delusional is a bad word, but Reed says it, he says, “You’re being _delusional_ ,” Tony is being delusional.)

And he says, “Say, why don’t we talk about something else?” Reed says that, and he says, “We could talk about pilot training perhaps, and remember when we were at McCook, do you remember that, Tony?”

(What does Reed know about delusions? His wife is a complete delusion, and he will talk about her and talk about her.)

Reed says, “You remember the drugstore, and the fellows used to go, and there was the one fellow, what was his name, Tony?”

Tony says, “I have got an apartment, what the hell are you talking about?”

Reed says, “Certainly you do, of course you do.”

(Reed doesn’t believe that, how dare he say it?)

Reed says, “What was his name, Tony, and he was married, remember?”

Tony says, “How dare you talk to me like I’m delusional?”

And Reed says, “Of course you’re not delusional.” 

(But he doesn’t believe it.)

And he says, “Remember him, and he was married, and the other fellows would make him buy prophylactics for them. What was his name, Tony?”

Tony says, “You’re the sickest fellow on Three, why don’t you just shut the hell up?”

Reed keeps on talking. ( _He keeps on talking._ ) And he says, “I think I’ll go inside.”

Reed had goddamned better go inside, or something will happen.

And he goes. Tony is alone. Jarvis says, “Are you all right, Tony?”

Tony says, “I’m all right.” ( _Tony is not all right._ )

Jarvis says, “Say, what does he know, Reed is delusional as hell, everybody knows it.”

Tony _has_ an apartment. (But why are there noises starting?)

Jarvis says, “Perhaps we should take a walk, Tony.”

Tony says, “I want to go to my apartment in the sky, Jarvis, take me there right now.”

And Jarvis says, “I don’t have the key to your apartment, Tony.”

And Jarvis doesn’t have the key. Where is the key? And where is his apartment, and why can’t he go there? And here is this _hospital_ , these are _hospital_ grounds, and there are _hospital_ walls, and if you go far enough you will get to a high fence, and it’s a _hospital_ fence, and it has a gate with a lock on it (but before you can get to it, there will be men wearing white, and they’ll stop you).

Jarvis says, “Perhaps we should take a walk.” But Tony doesn’t want to take a walk, and he goes inside.

And there’s Happy. Happy says, “Tony, are you all right?”

Tony says, “I’m all right.”

Happy says, “Well things ain’t gonna get any better if you pitch a fit.”

Tony is _not_ going to pitch a fit (probably). And he says, “I know that.”

But what does one do that is _not_ pitching a fit?


	54. Nurse Potts Makes an Exception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes one will pitch a fit, and then there are usually some privileges you are going to lose, and everyone understands that. Only Nurse Potts makes an exception, she says Tony can go with Loki this weekend anyhow. Loki thinks this is an awfully good idea, but Tony doesn't know what he thinks.

Loki comes. Rhodey is there and he says, “Loki is here.” Rhodey says, “Tony, you should be grateful, and Nurse Potts says she’s making an exception, but after how you been acting, I think she’s taking an awful chance.”

Happy says, “There’s gonna be a scene, you know there is, Jesus, sometimes I don’t get how they _think_.”

Rhodey says, “ _Nurses_. They sit in their station, see the fellows maybe once twice a day, when they get medication, I wish they’d listen to us now and then.”

Happy says, “You ain’t just whistling Dixie, brother.”

There’s Loki, and Loki says, “What happened, oh Tony, what happened?”

( _A fit happened._ ) Tony says, “I don’t know.”

Loki says, “Oh Tony, Tony, are you all right?” Loki takes Tony’s hands. He looks at them, and he says, “Oh, your poor fingers, oh Tony, what happened?”

( _Something_ happened, and there was noise, a lot of noise, and there was some pain… Was there?) Tony did _not_ smear filth. Some fellows will do that, they mostly will be transferred afterward, but Tony did _not_. (But there was all this _blood_. And his fingers _hurt._ )

Loki says, “Tony, you are lucky, Tony, we talked about this.”

(One talks about so many things.)

Happy says, “We got him all packed, and Loki, you sure you gonna be okay? You got problems with this, we can cancel right now.”

Loki says, “I wouldn’t do that to Tony, I know how much he’s been counting on this.”

Happy says, “They forget, you know, they forget real easy.”

Loki looks at him, an angry look, a _dangerous_ look (but at Happy, not at Tony, Tony didn’t do anything, _nothing_ ). He says, “You can’t really be that ignorant.”

Happy says, “You look at Tony there, how’s anybody supposed to know what’s going on in that mind?”

Loki looks danger at him again (and knives, sharp, sharp knives, and _violence_ ). Loki says, “Tony probably doesn’t know what’s going on in his own mind sometimes, you don’t when you’re here, that’s why you have to be here, isn’t it your _job_ to know _better_ than him, and you just stand there and say those things.” And Loki says, “Tony, let’s get your things, Tony, we have to hurry, we have a long drive, ahead of us Tony.”

They’re going away. Tony and Loki are going to Loki’s apartment, they’re going there for the weekend, and Tony has to come back here on Monday. Tony’s bag is packed (probably), and he’s wearing the grey suit Howard gave him (that was in 1938, and it’s still good as new, except for some blood stains), and he’s going to ride down to New York in Loki’s roadster, that’s Jarvis’ physical body (because Jarvis’ astral-soul can go everywhere, that’s what it means to be an astral-soul).

And Happy says, “What did I say, I didn’t mean nothing.”

Rhodey says, “You remember, it’s Loki.”

And Happy says, “Yeah, but he’s better now, ain’t he, why don’t he _understand_?”

But Tony and Loki are outside now. They don’t hear what anyone says, and soon they’re in front of the hospital. And Loki says, “You wait here, I’ll bring the car around.”

And then here's the car (the car that is _Jarvis_ ). Loki has the roof down, and he drives down to the gate, and you can feel the wind blowing through your hair, and you can smell the pine trees along the road.

Loki says, “I don’t care, you deserve to have a little fun now and then, Tony, but there won’t be any trouble, Tony, will there?”

And Tony says, “No.” This is something of a lie, one doesn’t always know if there is going to be trouble until there is trouble. But he says, “No.” Loki wants him to say, “No,” and Loki is his best friend (and Jarvis is his other best friend).

Loki says, “I don’t care, we’ve been through trouble before, I’m sure we can get through whatever happens.”

And there’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “What’s happening, Tony, is something happening?”

Tony says, “No, nothing is happening, it’s just Loki talking, Jarvis.”

Jarvis says, “That’s good, Tony.” And oh, there are the lights. It’s quite dark outside now, and there are the pretty lights going by, and there are so many of them (and the wind in your hair).

And Loki says, “It’s a bit of a drive, you relax,” but Tony doesn’t think he can relax. But a moment later, oh, there’s Loki’s apartment, and he must have been asleep.

Loki’s apartment is in quite a nice building, and Loki says, “Here, Tony, let’s go inside, let’s go upstairs, Tony.” And they go upstairs. Loki says, “Let me take your hat, Tony, let me take your coat, and here, I’ll put them right over here, and this is the bedroom, Tony.”

It’s quite a nice bedroom, and Tony says, “It’s awfully nice.”

Loki says, “You deserve to have a good time for once, Tony.” And he says, “All those people at the hospital, they make me sick, and if they could just be in your shoes for one day, do they think you do it on purpose just to annoy them?” Loki is talking an awful lot. (One cannot always keep track of everything everyone says.)

And Tony’s hat and coat are on the bed. It’s quite a nice bed, and a nice white bedspread, and the pillow tucked in very tidily. Tony moves his coat to the coatrack. He puts his hat on there too, and he sits down on the bed.

Jarvis says, “Are you all right, Tony?”

Tony says, “I’m all right, Jarvis.” But really, one hardly knows what all right means any more. What does it mean _here_ , and Tony is only _here_ because Nurse Potts made an exception, so where should he be instead? ~~(He should be at Whittier, and he should _always_ be at Whittier, and _never_ anywhere else, everyone gets an apartment, or they get to leave, but Tony can never leave, Tony _belongs_ at Whittier.)~~

Loki says, “Tony?” Perhaps he has said it before.

Tony says, “Everything is fine, Loki.”

Loki says, “It’s all right, Tony, you can tell me if something’s wrong.”

~~(Tony can’t tell him.)~~ Nothing is wrong.

Tony says, “Everything is just fine.”

Loki says, “It’s all right if it’s not fine, Tony, you can tell me.”

Tony says, “I’m all right, Loki, everything is fine.” (Fine is another of those words that doesn’t seem to mean very much any more.)


	55. At Loki's Apartment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony doesn't have an apartment. He is never going to have an apartment (this is because he is crazy, his mind is _broken_ ). He's not going to pitch a fit about that though, that's not what one does when one is a guest.

There’ve been so many apartments. How many have there been? There was the one in New York… The _first_ one in New York… When was that? Well, it had to have been 1920, didn’t it? It was after… Well, Tony was in that veteran’s place first. Howard moved him to the private hospital after that, and he was going to get a release from there, that had to have been 1919. Then there was the flu epidemic. That got really bad, and they postponed it. And then it was 1920 when he finally got released, and Mother said, “Howard, can’t he stay with us?”

And they were in the La Jolla house at the time. Tony went out there just for a visit, and Father said, “You have to give the boy a chance, Maria.” And he took Tony, they took the train back East. And Father got him an apartment in Manhattan, and he got him a job as a stockbroker’s assistant, and he said, “You can work your way up from there, Tony, New York is where the future is.” Tony never did work his way up, but the job wasn’t so bad while it lasted. The apartment was rather small, though.

And… How many apartments were there after that? Oh, there were so many. And sometimes they’ll all blur together, and you can’t keep track. Other times you’ll think of one of them, and it’ll feel like you just left there yesterday.

Lord, so many apartments... And then somewhere along the line, someone must have decided Tony should never be allowed to have another apartment. He used to get a release, it used to be just as easy. Then one day there were no more releases. He can try and try as hard as he wants, but it seems like he’ll be stuck at Whittier forever, any more. Why is that?

Well, it’s because he’s crazy, isn’t it? Something must have happened to his brain. It was probably when he was in France, and he crashed Jarvis into the ground that time. That’s when he broke his brain. But if it was broken then, why was he able to get the releases before? Was it because they didn’t know? They didn’t know he was crazy… Or perhaps they didn’t know just how crazy he is… Now they do, and Tony can do whatever he wants. He can follow all the rules, and keep his nose clean, but it just won’t matter, will it? And they’ll look at each other, and they’ll know: Tony is never leaving Whittier, and he’s never getting his own apartment, ever again.

_Loki’s_ apartment is awfully nice though. ~~(It’s nice enough that you wish it were yours, really, what’s the point of _not_ throwing a fit? It’s not like you’re going to get something if you keep your nose clean, really, what are you doing it for?)~~ _Loki’s_ Murphy bed has a nice, springy mattress, and when it folds into the wall, it looks just like a bookshelf. _Loki_ has a real bookshelf in there too. It’s a small one, and it’s got some books in it. Some of them are Loki’s textbooks from Boston College, Tony remembers seeing them when he was there at the other apartment. And some of them are books in German, because Loki used to live in Germany, before he came here. And one of those is called, _Der Struwwelpeter_ , and one’s called _Alle Märchen der Brüder Grimm_. One is called _Deutschland-Bericht der Sopade_ , and it’s a paperback book, with a picture of Hitler on it, and some pictures of some very, very unhappy-looking Germans. Tony doesn’t read those books, because languages have never been a strong point of his, but he finds a mystery story by Miss Dorothy Sayers, and that looks interesting, and he takes it over to a chair by the window and he reads it there, so he won’t have to turn on a light and wake Loki.

Loki is sleeping awfully late. There’s a clock on the table, and it says, 8:00. At Whittier, you always have to get up at 6:00, and one of the orderlies will come in and say, “Medications in 10 minutes, you fellows get up, you get up _now_.” You’d better get up when they say that. They don’t like calling you twice, and if you don’t get up the first time, well that’s going into your chart, and it’ll say, “He’s uncooperative, Tony is uncooperative.” This isn’t Whittier though. Here you can get up whenever you like. And Loki works late nights, he says he always gets up late these days. And he said Tony could get up late too, but that is rather difficult, when one isn’t used to it.

Jarvis is here, and he says, “Are you all right, Tony?”

Tony says, “Certainly I’m all right, I’m just here in Loki’s apartment, I’m just reading, aren’t I?”

Jarvis says, “This is an awfully nice apartment, isn’t it?”

And Tony says, “Yes.”

Jarvis says, “Why don’t you have an apartment, Tony?”

Oh, Jarvis, why do you have to ask that?

And Jarvis says, “Why don’t you have an apartment?”

Tony says, “Stop asking me that.”

And Jarvis says, “Why?” He says, “Why, Tony, why?”

Jarvis talks too much, he talks too damn much. And Loki is asleep, there’s no one awake here, it’s just Tony, and no one to talk to but Jarvis, and he talks too damn much.

And Jarvis says, “Why, Tony? Why does everyone else get what they want, but you never do?” 

And Tony says, “Never mind, Jarvis, just stop talking.”

Jarvis says, “It’s Howard, isn’t it, this is Howard’s fault.”

Tony says, “No, Jarvis.” This _isn’t_ Father’s fault. It’s Tony’s fault, there’s something wrong with him. …It’s his _mind_ , there’s something wrong with his mind, and he can never be like everyone else, never, no matter how hard he tries.

And Jarvis says, “Why, Tony?”

Loki says, “Tony, are you all right?”

Loki is awake. ( _Jarvis_ woke him.)

Tony says, “I’m all right, Loki.”

Loki says, “Did something wake you up, did you have a bad dream, Tony?”

No, it was just Jarvis, he was talking too much. And Tony says, “No.”

And Loki says, “I suppose it’s morning anyhow, isn’t it? It’s probably late, and you’ve been up for hours, I’m sorry, Tony.” And Loki gets up, and he says, “I’ll make coffee, say Tony, do you want breakfast? I got some white bread, you can have toast, I know you don’t like my rye bread, Tony.”

Tony says, “I didn’t mean to wake you, I’m sorry Loki.” He doesn’t say Jarvis was the one talking, people don’t understand when you mention Jarvis ~~(not even Loki)~~.

And Loki says, “That’s all right, Tony, I’m not being a very good host am I, to leave you all alone.”

Tony says, “That’s all right.”

Loki says, “Is something wrong? You can tell me, Tony.”

(Tony _can’t_ tell him.)

And they are in the kitchen now, and Loki’s made coffee. It’s bubbling on the hot plate, and it smells like awfully nice coffee. And Loki’s put bread in the toaster, you can smell it toasting.

Loki says, “Tell me what’s wrong, Tony.”

(How do you talk to someone when it’s _your_ brain that’s broken, and theirs is just fine, how?)

Tony says, “Nothing is wrong, everything is just fine, Loki, this is an awfully nice apartment, I’m certainly glad you’ve got a nice apartment like this, Loki.”

Loki says, “It’s not yours, that’s what it is, isn’t it?”

Tony says, “I know it’s not my apartment, do you think I don’t know that, I’m not going to pitch a fit like last time.”

Loki says, “I know that.”

And the coffee is ready. You can smell it, it’s ready, and soon it’s going to boil over if you don’t take it off the hot plate, coffee will do that. And look, the toast has popped up, someone needs to get it, you need to put butter on it before it gets cold.

Loki says, “I know, Tony.” And he says, “Oh, Tony, I wish things were different, oh Tony, I wish I could… But I can’t, Tony, I just can’t.” And he says, “I wish I could make everything right for you, Tony.”

(Nothing will ever be all right. This is because Tony’s brain is _broken_.)

And there, look, see? See, the coffee has boiled over, look at it, it’s going everywhere. And Loki says, “Look at that, will you, oh look at the mess I’ve made.” And he takes a washrag, and he wipes up the mess.

And there’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “Are you all right, Tony?”

Tony says, “I’m fine, Jarvis.” Is that a lie? Perhaps it is, perhaps it isn’t, sometimes it’s hard to tell.

Loki turns around. He says, “Oh Tony, all I want to do is be your friend.”

Loki is more than a friend. Loki is like family. And Tony says, “I know. You’re a good friend, Loki.”

And Loki says, “You’re my friend too, you’ve always been my friend, ever since I met you.” And he says, “I wish I could do more for you, Tony.”

Perhaps there is only so much you can do for someone, when their brain is broken. Tony says, “I understand.”

Loki says, “I know you do, Tony.” And Loki looks at the coffee pot. He says, “Look at that, will you? The coffee got all ruined, and look, the toast is cold too, why don’t we go out for breakfast today?”

And they go out for breakfast. They go to the cafe on the corner, and Tony gets eggs over easy, and Loki gets fried eggs and bacon.

And Loki says, “Look at me, I’m a bad Jew, and on the Sabbath too.”

And Tony says, “What’s wrong?”

Loki says, “The bacon, Tony, good Jews don’t eat pork.” And he says, “My family never worried about that much.” Loki’s face is very sad, and he says, “They thought that would protect them, we always said, ‘We’re Germans before we’re Jews. But those bastards don’t care about that, they don’t care what’s in your heart, or where your loyalties are, my father was a 100 times better German than that goddamned Hitler, or any of those murdering Nazi bastards.”

Loki’s father is dead. And his mother is dead, and all the family he had in Germany. Tony doesn’t remember where he learned that, maybe Loki told him. And Hitler is in power in Germany, and he killed Loki’s family, and that’s why there _has_ to be a war, and America has to fight in it, is so we can stop Hitler. 

And Loki says, “What a thing for me to talk about.”

Tony says, “It’s all right, Loki.” He says, “Is America going to be in the war soon, Loki?”

Loki says, “Pretty soon, Tony. You know I’m joining the Army if they’ll let me.”

Tony says, “Why wouldn’t they?”

And Loki says, “Well I’m not an American citizen, I don’t know about that, and you know, Tony, because I was in Whittier, they might think I’m going to break down again.”

Tony says, “Would you?”

Loki says, “I don’t know, but I’m going to kill as many Nazi bastards as I can before I do, at any rate.” And he says, “I talked to Uncle Theo and Aunt Josie, they’re going to visit you every week while I’m gone, Tony, and Uncle Theo says you’re welcome to stay at their place, any time you get a weekend pass.”

This is awfully nice of them. Uncle Theo and Aunt Josie really are very nice people, and it will be nice to see them ~~(although not as good as getting a release and an apartment of your own)~~.

And Loki says, “They like you, Tony, just like I like you.” And Loki looks down at his watch, and he says, “It’s getting late, isn’t it? And Aunt Josie wants us to go over to their place for dinner tonight Tony, is that all right, and what do you want to do before then?”

Tony says, “I don’t know.”

And what they end up doing, is they end up seeing a movie. And it’s a war movie, it’s called _Buck Privates_ (and just for a moment, Tony thinks he hears President Wilson, and he’s talking to him, but he doesn’t listen, and after a while he goes away). This movie stars Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, they’re comedians, and they are awfully funny. And Loki gets a Baby Ruth candy bar, and he says, “Tony, do you want anything?” And then Tony gets a Mars Bar.


	56. At Uncle Theo and Aunt Josie's House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Loki go over to Uncle Theo and Aunt Josie's house after the movie, and they have a very nice dinner, and Loki and Uncle Theo talk about some things.

Well after the movie, Tony goes over to Uncle Theo and Aunt Josie’s house, and Loki goes with him. They have dinner, and it’s cold chicken and salad, and some bread called challah bread. And it’s all very nice, there aren’t any ~~(sharp)~~ knives, and Uncle Theo brings out some wine to go with it.

Loki says, “This sweet Kosher wine, uggh.”

And Aunt Josie says, “I know you like Riesling Loki, but with this war…”

Uncle Theo says, “I’ve got some Rheingold in the icebox.”

And Loki says, “Never mind, I’ll just have coffee.”

Tony has some of the sweet wine. This is Jewish wine, apparently, and it is rather extremely sweet, it’s like when Jarvis used to mix the cough medicine with some grape jelly. And he’d say, “Here, open up, you know the doctor wouldn’t have left this if you didn’t need it, Tony.” And Tony would open his mouth, he wouldn’t do it for Nanny, but he did it for Jarvis every time, and he’d take the cough medicine, and then Nanny would put him to bed. This wine tastes like that, or it tastes like the elderberry wine Cook always made at Grandmother and Grandfather Stark’s house. And Mother would say, “No Tony, you know this is for grown-ups,” but you could always get a taste out of their glasses after they were finished.

Loki says, “Do you like that stuff, Tony?”

Really, one doesn’t like to say that it tastes nasty. Manners are important.

And Loki says, “I think you made a convert, Uncle Theo.”

Aunt Josie says, “That’s enough silliness. Theo, put that away, Tony, would you like some coffee?”

Then everyone has some coffee. And Aunt Josie brings in a raspberry torte for dessert.

Loki says, “Oh Aunt Josie, this tastes just like summer at home, tell me you have whipped cream.”

Aunt Josie says, “After a meat meal, you bad boy.”

And Loki says, “I won’t tell you then that we had bacon for breakfast, Tony’s a bad influence on me.”

Aunt Josie says, “Anyhow, there isn’t any whipped cream, you eat your torte and be good Loki, and Tony, Theo, do you want some more coffee?”

And Tony says, “Yes, thank you, Aunt Josie.” One needs to be careful about drinking coffee in the evenings, if you have too much, you might not be able to sleep that night, but the medication usually takes care of that.

And Uncle Theo says, “It’s a fine evening, let’s go out on the porch.” And they go out on the porch. There are flowers out there, the roses are starting to bloom, and someone has some other flowers growing somewhere, you can smell them a little, and it’s a nice smell. And there are some chairs out there, and they all sit down.

Uncle Theo says, “Here, Loki, have a cigarette, Tony, do you want one?”

Loki says, “Tony is a Lucky smoker, you won’t get him to take one of those.”

Tony doesn’t need one of those. They already stopped by the drug store today. Loki bought him a whole carton of Luckies, and Tony said, “You don’t need to Loki, I’ve got money,” but he did it anyway, and he said it was a gift. Tony’s got a pack of those in his pocket now, and the rest are in his suitcase. And he takes out a cigarette, and Loki gives him a light. 

Uncle Theo says, “I’m a Camel man myself, I’d walk a mile for a Camel,” and he takes out a pack of cigarettes. He says, “Not a cough in a carton, they’re toasted.”

And Loki takes one of his cigarettes, and Uncle Theo does too, and he gives them both a light.

Aunt Josie says, “Uggh, the smell, I wish you boys wouldn’t smoke so much, I’m going inside.” After that, it’s just the three of them on the porch, and it is awfully nice out there, there’s a cool breeze blowing on your face, and the stars are starting to come out. And for a while they’re just sitting there, and Tony finishes one cigarette, and then he lights another one from the butt.

And after a while, Loki says something. He says, “Uncle Theo, I’m going in to the recruiting office tomorrow before work.”

Uncle Theo says, “I’m surprised you didn’t do it before now, Loki, remember that article about the Niblack sinking the German sub, back in April? You’re the one that showed that to us.”

And Loki says, “I’m not an American citizen, I don’t know if they’ll take me.”

Uncle Theo says, “I don’t think that’s going to matter much longer, Roosevelt’s just about ready to take us in.”

Loki says, “Well it might matter now, anyhow, there’s the hospitalization.”

And Uncle Theo says, “What’ll you do if they don’t take you?”

And Loki doesn’t say anything. He’s sitting right there, on the seat next to Tony. You can feel him move a little, and he takes a couple of deep breaths.

And then Uncle Theo says, “Don’t do anything stupid.”

And Loki says, “Dammit, Uncle Theo, I knew you’d say that, I know I’m responsible for you and Aunt Josie. Hell, I’m responsible for Tony too for that matter, I’m the only family he’s really got.”

Uncle Theo says, “If they will take you, you go, Loki, I know how much it means to you.” And he says, “Don’t worry about us we’ll take care of ourselves, and don’t worry about Tony either, he’s already like family to us, and we’ll watch out for him.”

And Loki says, “Thank you, Uncle Theo.” And he gets up, and he hugs him.

And…

Well here’s the thing, is Loki and Uncle Theo have been talking quite a lot just now. They’ve been saying… Oh, what have they been saying? A lot of things, and sometimes they’ve been talking about Tony.

And here’s Jarvis. Jarvis says, “Uncle Theo just said he’d take care of you, Tony, and he and Aunt Josie are going to be just like family to you.”

The word family certainly was used quite a lot.

And Jarvis says, “He said that because Loki is going to join the Army, Tony.”

Tony says, “Loki has to join the Army, we have to stop Hitler, Jarvis.”

Jarvis says, “Are you all right, Tony?”

Tony says, “Of course I’m all right, Jarvis, Loki has to do this, he said so, didn’t he, and besides, he said he’d come back.” 

And… There are some thoughts that want to get into his head, there are some ~~( _bad_ )~~ ideas… People can’t always keep promises like that, things will happen, and not everyone comes back from a war. People will ~~( _die_ , they’ll die)~~… Well, things happen, is all, they happen to people, and you can’t always stop them happening, no one can. Loki might… ~~(He might _die_ )~~ He might… Christ, Tony’s an American, isn’t he? And Loki’s an American now… He’s American and he’s German, he’s got two reasons why he wants to stop Hitler. And Hitler _killed Loki’s family._ Can you blame him for wanting to go over there?

Jarvis says, “Are you all right, Tony?”

And Tony says, “I’m fine, of course I’m fine, Jarvis.”

And Uncle Theo says something. He says, “The Navy,” something about the Navy.

Loki says, “Fine way to get cooped up on a submarine for months at a time.” And he says, “Perhaps I’ll be a pilot, like Tony, say Tony, do you think Jarvis would come overseas with me?”

(Jarvis is an astral-soul, he can go wherever he wants.)

And Uncle Theo says, “You hold out for officer’s training, Loki, you’re too smart to fight as an enlisted man.”

Loki says, “I’ll take whatever they offer, as long as they’ll have me.” Loki’s standing over by the railing. He says that, and he turns around, and he’s looking at Tony. Loki comes over and he gives Tony a hug, and he says, “You’ll be okay, won’t you, Tony?”

_Tony_ is going to be fine, he’s got Jarvis, and now he’s got Uncle Theo and Aunt Josie, but what will happen to Loki? He might… ~~( _die_ )~~ And Tony says, “I’ll be fine, Loki.”

Uncle Theo says, “Of course he will, doesn’t he have me and Josie watching out for him?”

(And Jarvis. Tony will _always_ have Jarvis.)

Loki says, “This is the right time to do this, you know it is, Uncle Theo.”

And Uncle Theo says, “I know it, but that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it, Loki.”


	57. Postlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Twenty-five years later, Loki reflects on his friendship with Tony.

_Strong at the Broken Places_ … What do I think of it? Standard interviewer-speak for you don’t think it’s very good? You don’t have to deny it, I’m not offended, and I’m not disagreeing with you either. Random House offered me the opportunity to choose one of my early works for its classics series, and I chose this one, but it wasn’t because I thought it was the best thing I’ve ever done. I did it to honor a friend of mine. And it came out…

…Lord, that was ten years ago, wasn’t it? And now they’ve got another new edition. _Deluxe, leatherbound edition_ , if you please, of what was never really much more than a juvenile potboiler. A little more earnest than most, perhaps…

“For Anthony Edward Stark, who taught my soul to fly.” I wanted that dedication in the first edition, but the publisher nixed it. He was right of course. Tony’s parents were still alive then, and they would have caused trouble. I ended up writing ‘For Tony.” ...And I published the damn thing pseudonymously. That was my editor’s advice, because otherwise people might think it was autobiographical.

He knew it was, of course. I remember telling him the reason I’d gone into writing was to serve Truth… Truth capitalized, you understand. I think I thought of her as sort of a goddess. …I’d gone into writing to be Honest, and to serve Truth, I said, and I would be damned if I’d start out, by publishing my first book under an assumed name. And he told me the publishing world would eat me alive if they knew I’d been in an insane asylum. Considering the times, he was probably right.

…Considering the times, and that I was a new writer. Untried…

Well, the times are changed now, aren’t they? Here it is, the 1960’s… It’s _1965_ now, god help me. …I’ve been a published writer for almost 20 years. …Hell, I’ve got a _deluxe, leatherbound edition_ of my first book coming out in time for Christmas this year. What do I have to worry about?

And besides, Howard and Maria Stark are both dead. And Tony’s dead… Oh lord, it’s been almost 10 years now…

…Tony’s in that book, you don’t need me to tell you about Tony.

…He’s in there, but he’s fictionalized. Perhaps it’s time… Since you’ve got to interview me, perhaps I should use the opportunity to talk about Tony.

Tony Stark: He was my first real friend after I came to America. He was my only friend, for all that long year I spent at Whittier Institute.

That’s what they call it, “Institute.” It’s still there, you know. For it’s kind, it’s not so bad, either. People have this mistaken idea: They’ve seen _The Snake Pit_ on The Late Show, perhaps they’ve read that book… What’s it called? The new one by what’s his name, Kesey, I think? …People think of mental institutions as grim, prison-like places. Some of them are, I’m sure, but not all of them. Whittier isn’t. If you have someone who needs that kind of care, best send them there. …If you can afford it, anyhow.

…Tony had already spent half his life in places like that by the time I met him. And I tried to rescue him at first. Oh lord, you wouldn’t believe how hard I tried. That’s why I published the book when I did, and why I was willing to do it pseudonymously. 1946, every young writer in the country was getting ready to publish his own war novel. I had mine too, you understand… 

…You’ve read that one have you? ...Oh, you saw the movie. They cast Paul Newman as me in that one. Do you think he did a good job? He did all right. 

…I had my war novel half-written, but I wanted desperately to be able to help Tony. I was horrified at how I’d seen some of the staff at Whittier treating him, and I still thought I might be able to find someplace better for him. And I had this manuscript…

Funny how life treats you sometimes. I joined the Army, hoping to fight on the front lines against the Nazis. Where I ended up was running a supply depot in Kansas, of all places. I suppose someone had to do it, but still… They don’t lie when they say “military intelligence” is an oxymoron.

…I met Victor there though, I suppose I shouldn’t complain.

…I’m not talking about Victor right now, I’m talking about _Tony_. Christ, everyone knows about Victor and me, don’t they? He’s made sure of that. _Mattachine Society_ , Jesus… Of all the people I could have ended up with, and it had to be someone who fights for gay rights. …Who announced he’s gay to the entire country... You’ve seen the _Times_ interview I suppose? “I didn’t survive Hitler _and_ Stalin, just so I could lie about my private life here in America.” That’s my Victor. …It was a good picture of him they ran though. You can barely see the scars. …Those scars Victor hates so much sometimes he swears he’s going to start going around in a suit of armor… As if he hasn’t earned the right to have a few scars with all he’s done.

…Tony: I visited him as soon as I got back to the States, of course. And of course he was all right. I don’t remember what ward they had him on that first visit. Not Three, it was one of the other ones I think. The orderlies… Well, I suppose they weren’t any worse than usual, but that first time back, it really struck me. I’d just given four years, fighting for freedom, and here was a man being treated like a chattel. …A man I called my friend.

And I had this manuscript I’d written while I was in charge of that damn supply dump. I took it around, visited publishers until I found one that was interested. That’s how _Strong_ got published. And it made a little money… Not a lot, you understand, but it was my first book. It _looked_ like a lot.

…And I took it… And I went searching for a hospital where they treated the patients like humans. …My words then, you understand… Oh lord, I knew so little.

And eventually I had to give up. Tony got transferred back to Three, that was part of it. He was always happiest on Three, I think, at least as happy as a man can be in a place like that. Lord, it wasn’t like I had custody of him, or whatever they call it, anyhow. I’d have had to go to his father to get him moved, and I doubt if Howard Stark would have agreed.

…I met him once, you know. Tony’s father, I mean. That was at Tony’s funeral, in ’55. I met them both, Howard and Maria Stark. He was about how I’d expected him to be: Rigid, arrogant as hell… She was the one who really stuck out though. There was just nothing there with that woman.

And she was supposed to have been a mother to him, and that’s all she was, just this shallow, empty thing, like a mirror set up to reflect her husband.

I introduced myself, but I don’t think she ever figured out what my connection with Tony was. I don’t think she cared. …And she didn’t recognize Harry or Jim… Christ, how do you do that? These were the men who’d been taking care of _her son_ … They were some of the best orderlies at Wittier… They came to his funeral, didn’t they? And… _How_ long had they been taking care of him? Twenty years? …Something like that, it had to have been… How could she not even recognize them after all that time?

It made me wish I’d brought all of them. I would have liked to have seen them there, Reed, Bruce, the spider-boy… Peter, I think his name was… I’d like to have seen how the Starks would have reacted…

I did try to work it so Reed could go. Bruce was on one of the lower wards… The ones where the acute patients were, you understand. He’d been having anger problems like he did sometimes, there was no way I could have brought him. …And Peter… No, _Parker_ , that’s what we called him. …Parker didn’t have off-ward privileges. You had to have those before you could leave the hospital. But Reed… I asked the nurse on his ward, and she said he could go if he wanted to, but poor Reed didn’t even remember Tony at that point.

I went though. And Harry and Jim went with me, and I was happy to have them there. It felt good to know someone remembered Tony besides me.

…And now that his parents are gone I can dedicate the book to him properly, and everyone will know his name. …Everyone who reads _Strong_ at any rate. …And bothers to look at the frontispiece.

It’s something anyway. …And now there’s this interview too, and it’s going to run… When was it you said? The August issue?

…Oh, December, of course. To coincide with the reissue. Clever of Random House to work it that way.

“For Anthony Edward Stark, who taught my soul to fly…” I should have said, “…and who was my best friend, the best friend any man could have, in an insane asylum or out of one.” …I should have said that to Tony before he died… There are always so many things a man should have said, aren’t there?


End file.
